“Do you think it hurts as much as being without him?”
She’d lost track of the many variable ways she could feel pain. “I’d rather be alone than hurt him again. And that’s what I’d end up doing.”
“What makes you think that?”
“I don’t know how to be myself anymore. I can’t forget everything that’s happened.”
“He doesn’t expect you to. He just wants to talk about it.”
No he didn’t. He wanted more than talk. He’d tear himself apart trying to help her with more than words, especially if she couldn’t respond in kind. “I can’t. He loves who I used to be. He can’t love what I am now.”
“Is that what you think? That he’s pretending?”
“No. But once he gets closer, he’ll figure it out.”
Natalie stared at her. “Caroline, do you like yourself?”
Why did the hardest questions come with the shortest answers? “No,” she whispered.
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t.”
Natalie scooted back in her chair. That wasn’t a particularly good sign. “What an incredibly shitty response. Think harder.”
“Would you like me?” Caroline asked.
“I do like you,” Natalie said. “And Jack loves you. He doesn’t care about the things you’re getting so hung up on.”
“He doesn’t know what he needs to be hung up on yet.” She shook her head back and forth. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t talk to him, I can’t let him touch me, I can’t do any of those things. He’s better off learning to deal with that.”
“And what about you?”
“I can handle it.”
“I’m not sure you can.”
“I don’t have a choice.”
“Of course you do. You can love him and still be angry with him.”
Natalie didn’t understand what she was trying to say. “That’s not fair to him,” Caroline said. “It’s not fair to either one of us.”
“Life isn’t fair. Why don’t you tell him how you feel?”
“I can’t do that. Too much has happened. We can’t go back.”
“You can go forward.”
How could she do that when she could barely get through the day? “With what? There’s nothing left. We can’t recreate something that never was.”
“That’s a defeatist attitude.”
“It’s the truth.”
“After everything you’ve told me, after everything I know about you, you’re going to make that assertion?”
It seemed entirely reasonable to her. “Yes.”
Natalie scooted her chair back further. If she moved any more, she’d be backed up against the door. “Do you know how much effort it’s taking for me not to yell at you right now?”
“You told me to be honest. I’m being honest.”
“You’re being pessimistic.”
“No, I’m not.” Why was it so hard for people to understand what she was trying to say? “I’m being realistic.”
Natalie leaned forward. “Caroline-”
“It goes away,” she whispered. “You can have it, you can try to hold onto it, but it always goes away.”
Natalie frowned. “This is about more than you and Jack.”
“Do you know what it’s like to lose everything? To have it happen more than once?” Caroline asked.
“No,” Natalie said softly. “But that doesn’t mean you have to give up forever.”
A wounded heart could only sustain so much damage. “I can’t do it again. I don’t have the strength anymore.”
“So you’re going to forget about your husband?”
“He’ll be fine. He can find someone else. There are plenty of girls around here who could hold his attention.”
Natalie shoved out of her chair and returned to her desk. “You and Jack. Jesus Christ. Part of me feels like we should lock you in a small room together until you sort things out yourselves.”
They’d undoubtedly destroy half the base before they were finished. “That would go over spectacularly, I’m sure.”
“I’m starting to think it’s a viable option. The two of you are being completely obstinate.”
“It’s not my fault Jack can’t handle reality.”
“Neither can you.”
Caroline narrowed her eyes. Natalie often challenged her but this was not how their sessions usually went. “What’s gotten into you today?”
“I’m sick of pussyfooting around this. You need to work this out with him. And either find a way to live with each other, or do the ‘moving on’ you claim you want to do.”
“I can’t be around him, Natalie. I don’t want to be around him. I don’t know how to feel. Half the time I hate him and the rest of the time I-”
“You what?”
No. She’d said too much already. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“Too bad. We’re going to talk.”
Caroline scowled. “You’re not being very much fun.”
“I’m not here to validate you,” Natalie said. “You’re beyond that. You don’t need me to reassure you or hold your hand or coddle you. You’re a strong woman and you’re getting stronger. And you’re going to have to fucking deal with this shit.”
“That was quite eloquent.”
“You bring out the best in me.”
“What if I don’t want to deal with it?”
“You’re not a child, Caroline. You have to deal with it sometime.” Natalie laughed. “I like that you’re starting to get pissed at me for something other than making you watch your own speeches.”
Caroline must not have done a very good job of hiding her glare. “You are so not funny.”
Natalie grinned. “I think I am.”
Caroline hid her own grin behind her hand. “Is this even a therapy session anymore?”
Natalie laughed again. “Would you have described any of what we’ve done as therapy?”
“I don’t know. Compared to the other therapists I’ve seen, you’re not, um, normal. But I’m not normal, either.” Caroline broke out into the grin she’d been holding back. “I think we’re getting a little off base here.”
Natalie started twirling her pen in her fingers. “Want to be challenged?”
She wasn’t sure she had a choice, especially since her doctor had engaged her most favorite nervous tic. “I guess.”
“I’ll throw something at you. Remember in the hospital when you asked if I was interested in your husband? Well, I lied.”
It took mere seconds for Natalie’s comment to register. Those emerald eyes. Those pouty lips. Dr. Haddad was an extremely attractive woman. She’d flirted with him, flipped that jet black hair, done whatever it was that women in their twenties did to twist men around their little fingers.
I knew it. Mother. Fucker.
Caroline stamped her foot on the floor, pointing an accusatory finger at her. “You little bitch. You had your eye on him from the moment he got here, didn’t you?”
“That was quick. Jealous much?”
“Oh, fuck you.”
Dr. Haddad had a mischievous grin dancing on her lips. “We were making so much progress. It’s a shame it all has to end.”
That little shit. She’d been had. “You’re messing with me, aren’t you?” Caroline asked.
Natalie let out a short laugh, touching her finger to her nose.
“Goddamn it,” she muttered, staring at the floor. “Effing trickster.”
“He’s such a silver fox. I can only imagine what he looks like naked.”
Oh, that visual wasn’t helping. Caroline shook her head. “Stop, Natalie.”
Natalie laughed again. “Okay, I’m not being entirely truthful. I did develop a crush on him when I saw him at that fundraiser all those years ago.”
“He looked great that night,” Caroline said. “But that’s not the point.”
“You’re right, it’s not. I wanted to remind you that you’re s
till in therapy. And you have a few things to work on.”
No kidding. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.”
“That was funny. If you could have seen the expression on your face…I would definitely not want to get in a fight with you. Especially if you were armed.”
“No, you wouldn’t,” Caroline said. No doubt Natalie had waited for just the right time to spring that little test on her. “Jack always told me I was irrationally jealous. He found it flattering.”
“I think it’s funny,” Natalie said.
Oh, yeah. Fucking hilarious. “Whatever.”
Natalie twirled the pen in her fingers again. “I want you to remember something. It doesn’t matter how you think you’re supposed to feel. All of your feelings, whether you think they’re good or bad, matter. What’s in your heart matters.”
Was Natalie alluding to her divergent feelings for Jack? How could Caroline mentally collate all those conflicts when she could barely get up in the morning sometimes? “I know,” she whispered.
“I want to talk about something else,” Natalie said. “Something a little harder.”
There was a topic more difficult than her family life? What rock had her doctor been hiding under? “I don’t know if I want to.”
“I want to talk a little more about Jack.”
Of course she did. “I brought this on myself, didn’t I?”
“Indeed you did. Do you know what it was like when he arrived last year?”
“I don’t think I want to know.”
“You’re going to have to hear it anyway.”
Caroline leaned back in her chair. Best to make herself comfortable. This would take a while. Natalie was the queen of saying shit she thought Caroline needed to hear. She didn’t know whether to feel comforted or terrified. “Whatever. Just say it.”
Natalie set her pen down. “Jack was a mess when he first got here. He was barely holding it together. I’m sure you know why.”
Caroline shivered, like she always did when she thought about that night in the forest. “I have a vague idea.”
“He didn’t say much when he first arrived, aside from doing enough for us to feel comfortable letting him in. We all knew who he was but he looked terrible. You know how he got here, right?”
Natalie seemed to be under the impression that Caroline and Jack spent a lot more time together than they did. A strange idea to hold onto, since so many therapy sessions involved talking to Caroline about her inability to communicate with her husband. “No, I don’t.”
“He trekked across Canada then made his way south to us. I don’t know how he managed to get here in one piece. I can’t even imagine-” Natalie’s voice broke, and she stopped.
Caroline stared down at her shoes. She so did not want to have this conversation. Especially since it sounded like Natalie had already discussed it in great detail with Jack. “When did he arrive?”
“The end of March. When were you two separated?”
“The beginning of February.”
“That’s a long time to travel, isn’t it?”
She was trying not to do any mental calculations. “Yeah.”
“It was odd,” Natalie said. “I could tell he was devastated, exhausted, totally drained, but all the soldiers automatically looked to him as a leader. Strange, isn’t it?”
Was that some sort of reverse rhetorical question? “No, it’s not. You’ve known him long enough to know why.”
“We knew to give him space. But I took a chance, thought maybe he actually needed someone to talk to. Especially after he found out – after we thought that you hadn’t made it.”
Caroline wanted to run out of the room. Told herself to run. But she stayed in her chair. Maybe Natalie was right. Maybe she was making progress. Or she was simply afraid to leave. Which made her a damn coward. “How bad was it?”
“I was in the meeting,” Natalie said. “We’d gotten some records from The Fed, from a guy we had on the inside. We got to yours and no one else had the guts to look at him. It was like the life drained from his body. He left immediately after that and everyone had the good sense not to go after him. A couple of days later I went to his apartment. It took a while for me to get him to open up. To convince him to come to my office to chat.” She looked around. “I like to think this setting makes it easier to keep it professional instead of loose and friendly.”
Caroline wasn’t sure about that. “He didn’t want to talk, did he? He has a hard time talking about difficult topics sometimes.”
“It took me a long time to get him to reveal himself. Once I did, all he wanted to talk about was you.” Natalie closed her eyes, pressing her fingers to her lips. It was a long time before she opened them again. “He was so upset about what had happened. I think I’m the only person he’s cried in front of, besides you. I was so grateful that he’d trusted me with that responsibility since he felt he had to be something entirely different in front of the other troops. And I felt guilty because I wanted to help him but I was so inexplicably resentful of you - of both of you - for having this connection I’d never seen before.” She cleared her throat. “He’s so steadfast in his commitment to you, Caroline. Even now.”
No, this was definitely a conversation she hadn’t planned on having. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because it’s what you want to hear. You miss each other. You have to find a way to deal with your feelings. Soon. But you and I are beyond that, at least for now. How do you feel about being off duty? Do you miss work?”
Caroline wished Natalie would have brought that topic up to start with. Maybe she could have escaped after ten minutes. “Of course I do. These last few weeks have been a pain in the ass.”
“Anything you want to do that you haven’t?”
Nice of Natalie to let that perceived insult slide. “I want to know more about our plans. The information we’ve gathered. I know they have the flash drive that Jack had, but not much else.” That was all she knew, and all Gig had told her too. And he was the intelligence guy for their unit.
“Jack would tell you more if you asked him,” Natalie said. “We have a lot more than that, though I don’t know all the details.”
“Apparently we have quite a few records from The Fed.”
Natalie shifted uncomfortably. “Yes. From one of the few contacts we have.”
“You’ve seen them?”
“Many of them.” She flushed. “I already had an idea about a few of your friends before we started talking.”
Natalie looked so shamefaced that Caroline knew she had to reassure her. “It’s okay,” she said. “I’m not surprised. You’re a thorough person. Are they very detailed?”
“Not all that much. Yours was the longest one I’ve read. They didn’t go into many specifics.”
Caroline supposed the records didn’t need to say much aside from the final result. “I see.”
“We’ve got a few other pieces of information, spies in certain areas, that sort of thing.” Natalie looked down at her hands. “And we take a few personnel risks from time to time.”
Caroline thought of Gabe. Something she rarely did, if she was honest. She hadn’t even talked about him during her therapy sessions. The realization flooded her with guilt. “We don’t appear to have a firm game plan.”
“No,” Natalie said. “We do not. Does that bother you?”
It had bothered her much more in the beginning than it did now. “A little, but it’s not like I knew what the hell I was doing when I started investigating Santos. That may have cost me, I guess. I just hope it doesn’t cost us.”
“It won’t. Jack and his advisors have backup plans in place, strategic designs. I know there’s been some backdoor movement in the international community. We’ve been putting feelers out since the secession. But not much has come of it.”
“Something has to happen soon, right?”
“One would think.”
“I want to go back to work,” Caroline announced. “I want t
o help.”
“Do you think you’re ready?”
She wasn’t quite ready for that sort of insight. “What do you think?”
“You’re close. I know it drives you nuts not doing anything all day.”
“Yeah. Going to the gym for hours at a time isn’t really cutting it.”
“Maybe we can do something about that.” Natalie looked at her watch. “Want to grab some lunch? My next appointment isn’t until this afternoon.”
An hour of easy conversation and extra dessert sounded thoroughly appealing. “Sure.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jack sat down in one of the chairs across from Natalie’s desk. “Thanks for meeting with me today.”
Natalie grinned. “Between you and your wife, I’ve been quite busy.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yes. We talked for quite a while this morning before I went to lunch with her.”
“How was it?”
“Fairly pleasant, actually.”
Encouraging words he needed to hear after a restless night and an equally unsettling morning. “Good.”
“Were you worried about something?”
“Yesterday was stressful. I’m glad she’s okay.”
“Did anything happen? Between the two of you, I mean.”
He closed his eyes. “In a manner of speaking.”
She didn’t seem surprised by his evasive answer. “Okay. Let’s talk about it.”
“Not sure I’m ready to do that.”
“All right. Then tell me what you meant yesterday. About reverting to who you were. I don’t think we’ve resolved that yet.”
Fuck, he had no idea where to start. “Something happened between Caroline and me in her apartment. That day after she flipped out in your office when she watched that speech. It made me realize that I’ll never stop being who I was. Who I am.”
Phoenix (The Bellator Saga Book 4) Page 32