“Jack-”
“Don’t. You’ve made it clear that you don’t want to talk about it, so we won’t. All right?”
She wasn’t sure if she could believe him or not. “Fine.”
“Anyway,” he said. “Natalie and I have discussed it and given the progress you’ve made, you can resume your responsibilities.”
A bland, guarded statement that required clarification. “What does that mean?”
“No restrictions. Start training again. Whatever you were doing before.”
She rubbed her palm over her knuckles and stared at the floor.
His voice brought her out of her daydream. “Do you have a problem with my decision, Major?”
Caroline didn’t know why it stung when he addressed her by her rank, when such a reaction was usually evoked when he said her first name. “No,” she said quietly.
“Then what is it?”
She rubbed her knuckles again. “I don’t want to disappoint you.”
“In what sense?”
She looked up at him. His expression was unreadable. “I don’t – you’ve been giving me all these breaks and I don’t want to screw things up for you anymore.”
“Do you think you’re not ready to go back to work?”
She didn’t want to screw things up but she didn’t want to sit around doing nothing. “I’m ready.”
“The standards will be the same for you as they are for everyone else,” Jack said. “I’m sure you’ll have no trouble living up to them.”
He sounded so sincere. “You really believe that?” she asked.
Jack picked up the chocolate and shoved it in his desk. “Caroline, what do you want me to say? I had to pull you back after what happened with Buchanan. You know that. But you’ve improved over the last couple of months. There’s no reason to keep putting you through this without letting you see the light at the end of the tunnel.”
“Do I still need to meet with Natalie?”
“It might be helpful. Or you can chat. As friends.”
If that wasn’t code for keep talking to your therapist, she wasn’t sure what was. “Okay.”
“What else is there?” Jack said.
He wanted to keep talking. There were so many things she wanted to say to him but she had no idea where to start. “Nothing.” Caroline stood up. “May I go now?”
“I suppose so.” He lifted himself up from his chair, walking with her toward the door. He grabbed her arm.
“What?” she asked, spinning to face him.
Jack stroked her cheek, not speaking. Caroline started to turn around to leave, then noticed she was holding on to his shirt. How had that happened?
He pulled her into his chest and held her there for a moment. She could hear his heart beating, faster than normal. He was wearing cologne again.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I promised I wouldn’t try anything but it always feels so good to hold you. Even if that’s all I get, I’ll find a way to make sure it’s enough.”
Caroline very slowly brought her arms around him, leaning in. “Please don’t let go of me,” she whispered.
His strong arms kept her close and she held on until she couldn’t take it anymore. She pulled back from him, suddenly desperate to leave the room.
It didn’t matter how many times she was forced to see them. Her husband’s watery eyes broke her heart. And she didn’t know how to make them vanish, especially when they were so often met with tears of her own. Every moment she spent with him ripped him apart even further. She couldn’t let that happen even if he wanted it. She had to get out of there. Immediately.
“You’re as beautiful today as you were the night I met you,” he said quietly. Jack kissed her cheek and wiped the wetness from her face. “Don’t cry, sweetheart. I’m always here for you. No matter what happens.” His voice faltered. “Even if it’s only as a friend.”
“Thank you, Jack.” Caroline smoothed his shirt down where she’d wrinkled it, afraid that if she said anything else to him she’d start crying even harder.
“You’re welcome. I hope you have a good birthday.” He opened the door for her, hesitating ever so slightly, appearing disappointed when she walked through it without another word.
It was only after Caroline reached her apartment that she realized how much she wished she’d stayed with him for a bit longer. Let him hold her for as long as he wanted. Talked to him. Given him the answers she knew he desired, emotional consequences be damned. For a minute she contemplated turning around and going back, but she knew it was too late.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Time was fluid at the rebel compound. Sometimes Jack felt like he’d trudged through those gates only the day before, and sometimes he felt like he’d been stuck there forever. He wanted things to move faster; hell, they all did. But plans and partnerships needed to be cultivated and not simply thrown together. He knew how things worked, especially when military or government agencies were involved. Much of his corporate experience simply didn’t translate to what they were trying to do.
So he got frustrated. Often. It had been several months since Lieutenant Morton and his men had gone down. A failed mission, one that still needed to be completed. Equipment had been checked over and over again. Pilots had been grilled, questioned, and tested. Aptitudes had been determined. Jack knew they’d have to try again before the window closed. Before all their hard work was undone.
But shit, he didn’t want to have to ask for volunteers again. They had few opportunities for real, proactive military action, and the rebels were chomping at the bit to do something with their training. He prayed his wife wasn’t among them.
She’d been doing well, so far as he could tell. She’d been back on duty for a month and he’d heard of no incidents, no issues, no problems. He assumed she was still speaking to Natalie. After she left him in his office on her birthday…he had hoped she would continue to speak to him. But she was polite and cordial when they came into contact with each other and nothing more. Part of him wanted to force the issue but his ever growing insecurity pushed him further away. If she truly wanted him she’d come back. He was sure of it.
Unless she didn’t want him at all.
“Everything checks out,” Flaherty said.
Shit. Jack shook his head. He was in a meeting with his advisors and had gotten distracted again. Hopefully they hadn’t noticed.
“The equipment?” he asked. “Or the personnel?”
“Everything,” Flaherty reiterated. “We’ve been able to confirm there was no pilot error in the crash. Malfunctioning equipment was to blame, and the California Republican Army made sure to streamline our airfleet.”
Those soldiers were dead but it wasn’t by their own doing. Just a terrible accident, one that hopefully wouldn’t be repeated. “We’re good to go?” Jack asked.
“Yes.” Flaherty glanced at the other men at the table. “I believe it’s time to try again.”
Who knew if the maneuver was even feasible? “Is our operative still at the designated location?”
“He did some fast talking and was able to stay. He’s just waiting for us to come in and…capture him.”
Capture. Rescue. The distinction didn’t matter. They had a double agent and they needed to get him out of enemy territory. Too bad Morton and his men hadn’t been able to do it. Who knew what kind of shit their spy had to sling at his overseers for the past few months? Every day he spent in the employ of the United States government was another day he risked his own hide.
“Well,” Jack said. “Let’s go get him.”
* * * * *
A second mandatory meeting in a span of a few months. The rebels weren’t stupid. They knew what it was about. As Jack stood at the podium and looked out over the crowd, he caught a glimpse of Caroline. Sitting with her men, laughing and smiling. She looked good. Better than she had the last time he’d talked to her, even if he had been holding her in his arms and comforting her. He tried not to think about that,
since whatever emotional intimacy they’d achieved had been yanked away over the past month. But with her improvement in mood, maybe all wasn’t lost.
No one looked surprised at his call for volunteers. To finish the task their comrades had been unable to finish. To rescue a valued member of the rebellion. But Jack didn’t expect the room to stay silent. For no one to raise their hands. Until he caught some of the soldiers throwing glances at his wife.
Fuck.
He was out of the loop when it came to some of his troops, but he knew enough to recognize when people were respectfully deferring to their superiors. Goddammit. She’d been avoiding him on purpose. Planning shit. Planning this. He should have found some way to hold her out of the gathering.
Don’t do it, sweetheart. Don’t even fucking think about it.
If only he’d said it out loud. Or maybe he had. It didn’t matter. She never looked at him, just exchanged knowing looks with Gig, Crunch, Jones, and two recent additions to her unit, Rosen and Maier. They nodded at her and she rose to her feet.
“We volunteer,” she called out.
The room buzzed with soft voices and Jack shifted at the podium, trying like hell not to lose his composure.
“Major Gerard,” he said. “I haven’t explained the details of the assignment yet.”
Troops never got the goods until after they’d thrown themselves to the wolves. If he warned her ever so subtly, maybe she’d withdraw.
“We’re up for it,” she said.
Jones hooted as Crunch patted her on the back. Even Gig looked pleased.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Jack gave her a piercing look, forgetting about the other soldiers assembled. She locked eyes with him a moment before lowering her gaze.
There were two hundred other people in the room. It would be bad form for him to yell into the microphone, and even worse form to throw her over his shoulder and shake some fucking sense into her.
“Are you prepared for this?” he asked. “All of you?”
Caroline placed her hands behind her back, motioning for her men to stand up. “Yes, sir,” she said, and the rest of the room let out a cheer.
Jack opened his mouth to say something, then stopped. In five minutes he could lose his shit but he had to stay professional for now. “Eight o’clock in the briefing room tomorrow morning. Be there.” He motioned toward the rest of the assembly. “This meeting is over,” he said, and walked away from the podium and out of the room.
* * * * *
Jones patted Caroline on the back. “What the hell did you get us into, Princess?”
She grinned at him. Like he and the rest of the troops hadn’t been itching for her to raise her hand. “Nothing good, I’d imagine.”
“Don’t matter,” he said. “Didn’t come here to fuck around, did we?”
Maier came up to shake her hand. “We’re ready, ma’am.”
They’d all been ready. They’d talked about it before the damn meeting. “Cut that shit out,” Caroline said. “Come back for dinner and we’ll chat.”
Rosen smiled at her. “Sure.”
Jones and Crunch sauntered out behind them. Gig was still at the table. His eyes held more than excitement.
“You sure this is a good idea, Gerard?” he asked.
“Why not?” Caroline asked.
Gig lowered his voice, moving in closer. “None of these assignments are easy.”
Did he think she’d forgotten about Gabe? “I know that.”
“Just wanted to make sure you knew.” He shook his head. “I’m going to try to catch a nap before dinner. Sounds like we won’t be sleeping much the next few days.” He patted Caroline on the shoulder. “I don’t think the commander was too happy you offered our services.”
She frowned. That was precisely why she’d been avoiding him for the past month, among other reasons. “Not his decision to make.”
Gig pressed a finger to his lips and backed away. “I’ll see you at dinner,” he said.
* * * * *
Caroline stuck around to speak with a few more soldiers, then finally left to relax a bit. She saw Jack in the hallway surrounded by some advisors. He motioned for them to leave before gesturing toward an empty meeting room.
“In here,” he said.
He’d been waiting for her. Very predictable. “Fine,” she said.
Jack flicked on the light and shut the door behind them. “What the hell was that?”
She expected him to be angry, just not this angry. “Excuse me?”
“You volunteered on purpose,” he said.
Of course she had, with permission from her team. And the rest of the rebels. The rumor mill wasn’t so bad once you learned how to use it properly. “Isn’t that what volunteering is? Voluntary?”
“Cut the bullshit. You knew that there was no way I’d be able to reject your offer in a room full of other soldiers.”
That was exactly why she’d done it. “I didn’t come here to sit around and twiddle my fucking thumbs,” she snapped.
“Caroline, you have no idea what you just threw yourself into. I didn’t even explain the purpose of the mission.”
She didn’t think they’d be delivering cookies to grandma. She assumed they would be doing whatever it was Gabe and the others had set out to do. “So?”
He paced the room. “This isn’t a fucking game!”
Yelling at her wasn’t going to accomplish much. “I want to do this. My men want to do this. You asked for volunteers and we stepped up.”
“Why?”
“Those people tried to kill me. More than once. I trained for this. I want to fight. I want to help.”
“That’s not why you’re doing this. You’re doing it out of some misplaced sense of obligation to Lieutenant Morton.”
It was frustrating that he knew her so well. She had once found it endearing but was now finding it increasingly inconvenient. “Who cares what my motivations are? We volunteered, you accepted, and we’re going. You don’t get to back out.”
“I care what your motivations are. Are you doing this to hurt me?”
This wasn’t about Gabe. Or her, for that matter. “Get over yourself. This has nothing to do with you. Christ, how does your ego manage to fit into this tiny room?”
Jack moved toward her until their noses were nearly touching. Her pulse quickened. One more move and her heart would leap out of her throat. Damn him.
“This has everything to do with me,” he whispered. “Don’t deny it.”
She shoved him in the chest, not wanting him to see the reaction his tone of voice had brought on. “Oh, fuck you. You’re way off base.”
He glowered at her. “You’ve wanted to destroy me ever since you got here.”
She refused to let her temper bubble over. Not yet. If he was going to flip out she had to remain calm. “How dare you accuse me of that.”
“You threw your relationship with Morton in my face. You rejected every attempt I made to communicate. And now you’re chucking yourself into a situation for which you are completely unprepared.”
He was jealous. And hurt. And scared. And she didn’t care. A thought that would have bothered her but for the defensive anger simmering in her chest. “I’m doing this because it’s time for me to pull my weight,” she said. “I trained for months. I battled back from near death so I could fight for this country, not so you could keep me here to watch people I care about risk their lives to bring it back.”
“I’m the commander. I can keep you here if I want.”
“Funny, that’s the same attitude the folks at The Fed had.”
Jack flinched. She’d wounded him. But he quickly shook it off.
“It’s not the same thing and you know it,” he said. “Don’t throw that argument at me.”
Caroline was tempted to yell at him about misogyny and patriarchy but knew it wouldn’t get her anywhere. “Why is it you don’t want me to go? Do you not trust my leadership abilities? Do you think I can’t handle it
physically? Is it because I’m a woman? Is it because you can’t stop thinking with your dick?”
He started pacing again. “It’s because you’re my fucking wife. I’m not going to send you on a dangerous mission if I don’t have to. You have a death wish and I don’t want to grant it.”
“I’m your wife in name only. Don’t act like it’s anything else.”
“I’m not acting. You might have made decisions about our relationship but I don’t agree with them. And your words sure as hell don’t match up with some of your actions.” He grabbed her upper arms. “Do you want to die?”
Caroline stared at him.
“Well?” he asked. “Do you?”
She wrenched free of him and stepped back, rubbing the spot where he’d gripped her.
“How can you expect me to let you go when you’re not in the right mindset?” he asked.
If she sounded indifferent, would that be more convincing? She certainly didn’t want to sound defensive. “Then pull me back. You know you can.”
Jack ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “What is wrong with you?”
She folded her arms across her chest. “How much time do you have?”
“This isn’t funny, Caroline. You’re treating this like a joke. Is this a joke to you?”
It was anything but. “No.”
“Then why? Why are you going?”
She knew where his train of thought was headed. “You’re making this personal when it doesn’t have to be.”
“How can it not be personal?” Jack fumed. “You pretending that it isn’t makes me even more concerned for your wellbeing. This is completely personal.”
“It’s personal if you force me to stay here,” she said.
“How can you act like this is nothing to you? That I’m nothing? You can’t wipe away our relationship because it suits your needs. Jesus, Caroline.”
How odd to have their roles reversed, with him unable to control his emotions. “You need to calm down. If you won’t let me go, I’ll figure out a way to join the battle against Santos on my own,” Caroline said. “I have men loyal to me.”
Phoenix (The Bellator Saga Book 4) Page 35