He stroked her hair. “When you’re around, I’m focused as hell.”
She kissed his cock before looking up at him. “Then my goal is to make you lose your focus.”
Caroline didn’t waste any time. Jack was stressed and she didn’t see any point in goofing around. She wanted him to feel good but she wanted to get laid, too. Sometimes she preferred these nights, when he would be too tired or too preoccupied to play games. For them to be together, laughing and touching and spending hours in bed without worrying about anything or anyone else. She was more than happy to suck him off against the wall, but waited patiently for the moment when he’d tap the top of her head in a clear signal to move on to something else.
Maybe someday she’d get to finish him off. She had to figure out a way to make that happen. But it didn’t have to be tonight.
She felt his hands on her hair and knew he’d reached his limit…so far. Caroline stood up and kissed him again. “Feeling a little more relaxed?” she asked.
He pushed her toward the bed. “For some reason I’m feeling a little ramped up.”
She resumed unbuttoning his shirt. “I want you naked.”
Jack reached around her waist to unzip her skirt. “I want you any damn way I can get you.”
“I hope that means we’re both going to be naked.”
He kissed her, going to work on her blouse. “It does.”
She pushed his dress shirt off his shoulders. “I thought I was the one who was supposed to be seducing you.”
He bit her neck. “Hush. Let’s enjoy each other.”
They took their time, laughing as they undressed. It took a while before they finally made it to the bed, after Jack coaxed an orgasm or two out of her and she made sure that he was still raring to go. Caroline ended up on top of him, pressing her palms to his chest. “I like this position,” she whispered.
He rolled over on top of her. “I like this one better.”
She wasn’t going to complain. Not when it felt so good when he was inside her. “I love you.”
Jack kissed her cheek before biting her earlobe. “I’m so glad I have you,” he said quietly.
She tugged at his hair. “Let it be known that I only sleep with fine, upstanding men.”
He laughed. She’d achieved her goal. “I know,” he said.
* * * * *
America’s Political Sweetheart, my ass.
Caroline had been tossing and turning in her bed for the past several hours, nowhere close to sleep. The way she rejected Jack hung heavy on her mind. All he wanted was to stay with her for some of the final hours before fate took her away to whatever destiny she would fulfill. And she pushed him away. Again.
She wasn’t a sweetheart. Not anymore. The last year and a half had destroyed any remnants of that aspect of her personality. Now she could throw insults with impunity and destroy anyone within a ten foot radius. And she’d done it with Jack by throwing his greatest insecurity in his face.
“Who could ever love a selfish asshole like you?”
Of all the terrible things she said to him lately, that was by far the worst. All those years she’d spent untangling his insecurities and she’d blown it up with one spectacular lie. There was no need for her to be dishonest, though she’d done her best. She hadn’t even had to pile on and spin another lie by telling him she didn’t love him. Everything else had been enough to get the message across. She’d never seen him look like that before. Totally and utterly beaten. Unsure. Perhaps she would have felt more productive if she stabbed him in the heart and watched his life flow out of him onto the hallway carpet.
“I’m so goddamn lonely without you, Caroline.”
When had he ever said anything like that to her? He’d always been open and honest, loving, with just a hint of reticence. But he’d never been that raw. Laying himself bare. She couldn’t imagine what it had taken for him to break down like that.
What had she gained from her appalling behavior? A simple, fleeting moment of superiority? Of satisfaction? Of reveling in the pure misery of another human being? Maybe Natalie was right. Maybe she did enjoy the power she had over him. Her ability to hurt him more than anyone else. Her right to be unkind or unequivocally cruel in order to make herself feel better about her own situation. Her desire to break him over and over again until there was nothing left.
He wouldn’t have tried anything. He would have been happy to be in the same place with her. To hold her hand, let her fall asleep in his arms. He wanted to fill the emptiness with something meaningful. With her. And she’d pushed him away again. The purity of his intentions made her rejection worse.
Caroline wrapped her sheets around herself, even though the room was warm. She slammed her fist down on her pillow, trying to block out the memories that always seemed to come whenever she’d done something terrible to him. The constant reminders of what they’d had. Sometimes she wondered if it had all been a dream. Maybe this had always been her reality and she’d simply manufactured herself a good backstory.
Because there was no way her life had actually been that good.
* * * * *
Jack sloshed the whiskey in his glass. It was late. He’d had a few. He planned to have a few more. And maybe he should have reached out to Dr. Haddad before he opened that bottle. But he was in his apartment and she was likely in hers and would have no way of knowing what he’d done before he called her.
She picked up on the first ring. “Hello?”
The beauty of being in charge and having a recognizable voice meant he never had to say his name. “It’s me,” he said.
“Commander. What can I do for you?”
He took a gulp of whiskey. “I need to talk to you.”
He could almost hear her frowning through the phone. “What happened with her?”
How fucking predictable was he? Was Caroline? They were a pair of one trick ponies in a talentless shitshow. The alcohol loosened his tongue. “She told me what she really thought of me tonight.” He finished the drink. “She told me the truth.”
“Jack,” Natalie said. “Are you drinking?”
He poured another glass. “No.”
“Please make this one the last, okay?”
He recapped the bottle. He could give her that much. “Okay.”
“What did she say to you?”
He wasn’t about to repeat it. “It doesn’t matter. She made her point.” He cleared his throat. “I’m done, Natalie. I’m fucking done. I want her healthy, I want her to stop hurting, but I’m not going to try to help her anymore. I can’t do it.”
“Jack-”
He took another gulp of whiskey to chase back the emotion in his voice. “I want you to promise me that you’ll keep helping her. I need you to be there for her. Because she doesn’t want me.”
“Jack, slow down. Let’s talk about this.”
“I don’t want to talk about it. I need to stay away from her. It’s best for both of us.”
Natalie sighed again. “Is what she said concerning enough that you need to pull her back from the mission?”
Jack finished his drink. “She wants to go. Let her go.”
“I’m not asking about that. Do you think she should go?”
“Her opinion of me has nothing to do with her capability as an officer. I don’t fucking care about that, Natalie. I just need to get through the next two days of being in the same room with her. But then I’m done. And I’ll need your help. Please help.”
“Jack, how many have you had? Is the bottle empty?”
Fuck, did he sound drunk? Maybe he sounded drunk. “I don’t know.”
“Okay, look,” Natalie said. “I can’t fix the damage you’ve already done to yourself tonight. But I want you to listen to me. Can you do that?”
He set the glass down on the coffee table. “Sure.”
“You cannot give up. Do you hear me? You cannot give up on her.”
“I can’t stand it. She needs to get better and I’m not the one wh
o’s going to help her do it. Being around me is counterproductive.”
“Stop talking,” she said. “I told you to fucking listen.”
She was cursing. He couldn’t remember her doing that very often when they talked. But she did curse when she got mad at him over his alcohol consumption. Maybe he had imbibed too much. “Okay.”
“I know you want to give up. I know you think she hates you and she doesn’t want you around her. But you’re wrong. She needs you, Jack. More than she needs anything or anyone else. I can’t be what she needs. Only you can.”
“I can’t do this,” he whispered. “It’s too hard.”
“It’s going to be hard,” Natalie said sharply. “And you’re going to have to put up with it. It will get easier. I promise. But she’ll say and do horrible things before you get to that point. I need you to trust me. Trust yourself.”
How could he do that when he questioned almost every decision he made with regard to Caroline? “I don’t know if I can do that.”
“You can,” she said. “Your brain is foggy right now but I guarantee that once you’re sober you can do what I ask of you. I know it sucks. I know she’s behaved terribly. Promise me you’ll do your best to handle it. I’ll help you two in whatever way I can.”
Did she want him to pinky swear? “I’ll try,” he said.
Her voice softened. “Are you going to be okay?”
Jack doubted it. “Ask me when she gets back from that mission.”
Natalie laughed. “Go get some rest. She’ll be fine. You both will. I swear.”
* * * * *
He brushed his teeth three times to ensure the smell of booze was gone. He wasn’t hung over. Not one bit. Once you started drinking heavily you no longer felt the effects in the morning. Or something like that. Jack knew he needed to listen to Natalie. Knew that everything she said was logical, reasonable, and correct. But he really didn’t want to see Caroline today. Maybe she’d be late. Or wouldn’t show at all.
Of course she was early. She arrived at the conference room shortly before seven. Jack busied himself with the papers and maps spread out over the table before looking up at her. He didn’t smile. She went over to the refreshments table and poured a cup of coffee, adding two packets of sugar before setting it down on the table next to him.
Jesus. A peace offering already? She’d lost her touch when it came to being diplomatic. He decided to play it off. “You don’t drink coffee,” he said, not looking up.
“It’s for you.”
He continued to stare at the papers. “You don’t owe me anything, and you certainly don’t need to pretend to be nice.”
“I didn’t sleep very well last night.”
Being antagonistic was a hell of a lot easier than feigning sympathy. “I told you not to drink that tea.”
“That wasn’t what kept me awake. I was worried about you.”
She brushed her fingers across his, and he brought them into a tight fist. He was a goddamn pussy because despite his anger he hoped she’d touch him again. “Why?” he asked.
“Because of what happened between us.”
Everything had happened. Nothing had happened. “It doesn’t matter,” Jack said. “Forget about it.”
“Is that how you’re going to perceive it? Pretend you didn’t say those things?”
If he could snatch the words back, he would. Fat lot of good they’d done him. “I spent most of the night trying to forget what you said.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Jack shuffled the papers into a pile and pushed them to the side. She was really going to apologize? Well, fuck it all, he wasn’t going to accept it. “Fine.”
He curled his fingers around the cup of coffee, making no move to bring it toward his lips. How much could she try to hurt him before he ruptured apart? Maybe she’d destroy herself in the process. He wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or not.
“I can’t be more than I am right now,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.”
Jack pushed the cup away and didn’t say anything. Maybe the silent treatment would help her figure out how much she’d fucked up. It barely took a moment before she spoke again.
“I shouldn’t have said what I did. You’re not an asshole. You’re not selfish, either.”
He wondered if she realized how she sounded. Did she think she could fool him? He knew exactly what he was. What he’d done with his life. Did she think he was blind? She’d always been honest with him. It had been one of her best qualities.
Caroline crossed her arms in front of her. Same defense mechanism, different day. Christ. “I didn’t mean it,” she said. “It’s not up to me to tell you who you are.”
He didn’t want to dance around this topic all day. He had shit to do. Maybe some distance would help. “Drop it, Caroline.”
“I’ve never seen you like that before,” she said.
Dammit, she wasn’t going to let go. He shrugged his shoulders, taking a sip of coffee. “A lot has changed over the past year.”
“I wanted to make sure you’re okay now.”
“I’m fine,” he said. Another lie. All they did was lie. To themselves. To each other. How much longer could they keep it up?
Caroline took a deep breath. “Jack, we’re going to be working together all day on this. The least we can do for ourselves and for everyone else in the room is to try to act professional about it.”
It didn’t hurt to widen the gap a little more. “I’ll be professional, Major.”
“But you’re not okay.”
Goddammit. Fine. She wanted the truth, he’d fucking give it to her. “Why does it suddenly matter to you?” he snapped. “You haven’t given a shit the entire time you’ve been here and the day before you leave on a highly dangerous mission, you’re going to play that card?” He stood up, scattering some papers across the table. “Don’t give me your fucking pity, now of all times. I don’t want it.”
“I want you to be happy,” she whispered.
“You know what would make me happy?” he asked. “I’d be happy if I didn’t feel like I wasn’t allowed to call you by anything other than your rank, because God forbid you remember that I’m your husband. I’d be happier if I didn’t have to worry that the slightest thing I say or do would set you off. And I’d be happiest if you stepped down from this assignment. See? I said it. Is that what you were waiting for?”
“Jack, you know I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I want to go. I want to feel useful. I don’t want to sit here and do nothing because I’ve already paid my dues. I want to help.”
Was she telling the truth? He couldn’t tell. “You can help by staying here,” Jack said.
“And doing what?”
He took another sip of coffee and didn’t say anything.
“I’m not doing this to hurt you,” Caroline insisted.
A dubious statement. It was going to be a long day if she kept bouncing back and forth like this. “You’ve never kept anything uncomplicated, have you?” he asked.
“No,” she said quietly. “I guess I haven’t.”
Jack touched her wrist, pulling up her sleeve, turning her arm so they could both see the numbers tattooed on her forearm. “You’ve done plenty for this rebellion,” he said. “Enough for several lifetimes.”
“I know you don’t want me to go. And I respect that, Jack. Truly, I do. But I feel compelled to do this.”
Another questionable assertion. Did she respect him at all? He peered down into his coffee.
“Do you trust my judgment?” she asked.
His head shot up. “I’m sorry?”
“Do you?”
What kind of a question was that? He stared at her for a long time. “Of course I do,” he said. “I always have.”
“I’m asking you to trust me on this.”
“I’ll try.”
A short, clipped statement. She’d expected him to warm up. But he wasn’t going t
o play her games. Not today. Jack rose from his seat and handed her one of the packets of paper from the table. He promised Natalie he’d try. That he’d put up with her. But he needed to get away, if only for a moment. “I forgot something back at the office. I’m going to run over and get it before the meeting starts. In the meantime, take a look at this,” he said.
Caroline gave him a half smile that he didn’t return. “Thank you,” she whispered.
* * * * *
Jack let his guard down a little as the morning wore on. It was impossible not to. Maybe that was why he didn’t want to put up with Caroline’s behavior anymore; no matter what, she knew he’d come crawling back. He was still replaying the previous night’s conversation in his mind. Served him right for putting himself out there that way. Not when he knew she wasn’t ready for it. Or for him. But maybe she never would be.
It was impressive watching her interact with her men. Watching the way they cared about what she had to say. Even at her worst she knew how to lead. A precious skill to have. He realized he’d been staring at her for most of the morning instead of listening to his advisors give details on the mission. Flaherty was his top gun but Major Ballard knew all the intricacies of guerrilla warfare and unconventional approaches to military operations. So he was taking the lead on this one. Jack listened as he explained the tactical plan for getting their operative out.
“He’s been a double agent for over eighteen months,” Ballard said. “Things are getting hot and we have to get him before they discover the truth.”
“Where is he?” Caroline asked.
“The U.S. has a number of ‘rest homes,’ as they’re known colloquially, for certain employees who need a break from their assignments. One of them is at the former Nellis Air Force Base in Nevada.”
A base that was very close to the border with California. Caroline wouldn’t miss the connection.
“So we’re going in there to break him out?” she asked, turning to her men. “Seems simple enough, I guess. What’s the security situation?”
Ballard raised his hand before gesturing to the maps on the table. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Security is tight but not unreasonable. There will be another team going in with you, clearing the way so that you can achieve your objective here.” He pointed to the map, to a building near the edge of the base. “Our operative is located here and is considered a high risk, high value member of the rebellion in need of immediate extraction.”
Phoenix (The Bellator Saga Book 4) Page 38