by J. Daniels
I grinned. “Well, excuse me while I go throw out every other color I own. Won’t be needing them anymore.”
He stared at me, his eyes going intense but only holding that emotion for a breath before he lowered them, dropped his hands, and stepped back.
“You okay?” I asked.
“I gotta tell you shit, and I don’t know how you’re gonna react,” he began, and I held my breath because I knew, oh, God, I knew, he was talking about the stuff he was never planning on telling me.
But now he was here, ready to share it all with me, and even though I wanted to know everything about this man, even the dirty stuff he was ashamed of, I worried he wasn’t ready.
I stepped closer. “Sean, you don’t need to tell me—”
“Yeah, I do,” he cut me off. “You’re tossing out every color except the one I want, you need to know it.” He looked up at me then. He was breathing heavily through his nose. “I decided earlier I was gonna tell you. Worried about it the whole way here. Saw you, kissed you, forgot what the fuck I was doin’ here ’cause kissin’ you makes me forget shit, especially shit that’s weighin’ heavy on my mind. Then you say you’re only gonna wear that color on your mouth ’cause I want it and hearin’ that, feelin’ that, I’m rememberin’ why I’m here. I gotta tell you this. I want you knowin’ it and I don’t. I’m scared how you’ll look at me after. I like how you look at me now, I don’t wanna lose that.”
Okay. Wow.
Okay, okay, okay.
That. Was. HUGE.
“Uh.” I wet my lips. I was breathing heavily now too. “Can I just say firstly, that was probably the greatest compliment of my life. I’m glad you like the way I look at you and that kissing me takes you out of that dark place. That’s all I could hope for. I want you surrounded in nothing but light, Sean. I want that more than anything. You deserve it.”
He shook his head and cursed. “Now I really gotta fuckin’ tell you,” he growled, then he turned away and stalked over to the couch, taking a seat on one end. He braced his elbows on his knees. His legs were bouncing.
God, he was really worried about this. About how I’d react.
I sat down beside him and placed my hand on his thigh. “I won’t leave,” I said quietly.
Sean froze. He was staring straight ahead at a spot on the carpet.
“I won’t,” I repeated, just as softly.
His head slowly turned, and our eyes met. “I told you not to go diggin’ around about that cunt, yeah?”
I nodded. “Yes, and even though I wanted to, I didn’t. I busied myself with other things today we’ll get to in a minute.”
Sean blinked. “What other things?”
“You first.”
“They gotta do with me?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Then share.”
“I will after you, since I’m still going to be sitting here and looking at you the way I always look at you. Nothing you could ever say to me would stop me from doing that.”
Sean narrowed his eyes, then muttered a “fuck,” before he resumed staring off blankly at the carpet. His hands were clasped in front of him.
I kept my hand on his bouncing thigh exactly how it had been. I didn’t brace with light pressure. I did not move. I wouldn’t.
React on the inside. Do not show it.
Sean blew out a breath. “A lot of the shit I’ve done—I regret,” he began. “Most of it. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. This…this I do not wish I could take back. I don’t regret it.”
“Okay.”
He turned to look at me. “Last time I saw that bitch, she was dying. I’m talkin’ minutes away from takin’ her last breath, and I didn’t do shit to keep her alive. I didn’t do a damn thing. I killed her.”
I blinked and nodded slowly, encouraging him to keep going while willing my body and pulse to stay unreactive.
“Could’ve helped. Could’ve called the cops or whatever. I walked in to get out of the cold, found her lying on the floor with a needle stuck in her arm, lips blue, barely breathing. She was covered in puke. I felt her neck—there was a pulse—she was lookin’ right at me, starin’, I could’ve done somethin’, Shayla, and I didn’t. I stood there until that bitch died, then I took any money she had stashed in that house and left. I never went back.”
Again, I blinked and nodded slowly.
“That’s it,” he said; then he released a tense breath and looked away. “I didn’t want you diggin’ around ’cause I knew you’d find out she was dead and ask me about it, and I didn’t wanna tell you. Not ’cause I didn’t want you knowin’ she can’t hurt me anymore. I didn’t want you knowin’ who I am. Now you know—I let that cunt die. I killed her. A better person would regret it. I don’t. I’d do it again.”
I was processing Sean’s words and waiting for that rush of shock or fear to fill me. But all I felt was relief.
Sean was safe now. He never had to worry about that woman hurting him ever again.
And even though this act could’ve defined Sean as a person, it didn’t. I didn’t judge him any differently now. I didn’t look at him in a new way. I couldn’t.
I got it. I got him. This was Sean protecting himself. And I didn’t see it as murder or Sean assisting in someone’s death by not stepping in to help. I didn’t see it that way at all.
“Okay,” I said; then, before Sean could look over at me, I quickly slid onto the floor, moved in front of him, and knelt between his legs. I grabbed his face. “You see me looking at you?” I asked.
Sean’s beautiful copper eyes were dilated and jumping with worry. “Yeah.”
“Am I looking at you any different than I’ve always looked at you, aside from that time we weren’t talking anymore and I avoided looking at you because it killed me to do it when I didn’t think you wanted me looking?”
His brows pinched. “You didn’t think I wanted you lookin’?”
“You turned me down and quit speaking to me so no, I didn’t.”
Why were we talking about this now? This was not important, Shay. Stay on track.
“Anyway, am I—”
“I always wanted it,” he rushed out, halting my speech. “At the time, I knew I didn’t deserve it. That’s why I pushed you off. I wasn’t good enough for you. Not even you lookin’ at me, no matter how much I liked it.”
I shook my head. “Sean…”
“I know different now. I’m just sayin’, that’s how it was before.”
That made me smile. Finally, he understood his worth. He was getting it.
“I didn’t think you were interested,” I told him.
“That was never the fuckin’ problem.”
I smiled bigger.
Sean watched my mouth, his jaw ticked, then he repeated in that low, gravelly voice that make my skin tingle, “Never the fuckin’ problem.”
Holy crap, the flirting skills.
Stay on point, Shay. Keep focus.
“Okay, so you know how I’ve always looked at you,” I prompted.
He met my gaze and jerked his chin.
“Am I looking at you any different right now?”
Sean stared into my eyes, breathing fast and heavy, studying me, searching for the slightest change—I could tell—and God, it was worrying him. I wanted so badly to tell him with words, but I knew he needed the proof, so I was staying silent and giving it to him. Then he reached out, slid his hands to the back of my neck, held there, and pressed our foreheads together. He kept staring, but his breathing was slowing, still just as heavy, but he was calmer now. He was seeing what I knew was there.
“Val got it too,” he shared, and hearing he’d told his ex what had happened, and she didn’t look at him any different after the fact, made me like Val a hundred times more, and I already liked her a lot. “Thought she’d run. She didn’t. Thought you’d leave…”
“I won’t,” I cut in, finishing his sentence.
“She was wrong.”
I blinked, curious
whom he was referring to. “Val?”
Sean shook his head lightly since we were still touching. “That bitch,” he answered. “Val didn’t run. My girls forgave me. The way you look at me…I ain’t nothin’.”
My heart swelled. God…thank God, thank God.
“Not even close,” I whispered, smiling, crying a little—I couldn’t help it. I was just so happy for him.
Sean’s thumb caught my tears, then he leaned in and kissed me, murmuring inside my mouth. “Baby…baby.”
Not the baby girl I’d been wanting before, and I was glad because this was better. This was mine.
“I want you,” he said, kissing the corner of my mouth and then my cheek. “Share what you got for me, and then I’m taking you here. I wanna touch you. Feel you touch me.”
Couch sex. Hell, yes to all of that.
I pressed one more kiss to his stubbled jaw, then I got to my feet and grabbed the list I’d made, returning to the couch with it.
I sat cross-legged facing Sean and held it out.
“What’s this?” he asked, looking at the paper.
“People you can talk to, if you want, and I think you should,” I told him, getting his eyes then. “They can help you, Sean. That nightmare…I don’t want you having them ever again. I told you I’d get you to a place where you’d never need that bucket. This is me getting you there.”
“I don’t like talkin’ about that shit,” he said, which was something I already knew.
“I know, and I know it’ll be hard, and if you don’t want to do this, I’ll understand. But I really think you should at least give this a try. These people are trained to heal. And you’re still hurting.”
He looked back at the list, read it again, rubbed at his mouth harshly, then kept reading.
I leaned in and placed my hand on top of one of his. “I can go with you if you want,” I said, getting his eyes again. “Or pick one and I’ll check them out first. I don’t care. But no one will see you unless you want them to, Sean. No one gets to you without going through me, and even though I’ve spent the afternoon checking references and studying backgrounds, I didn’t get the opportunity to meet anyone on that list face-to-face. I will be doing that. They don’t just need to be good, Sean. They need to be the best. You just give me a name, and I’ll make sure of that. I promise.”
Sean’s eyes got intense, then he looked at that list one last time before folding that piece of paper in half, getting to his feet, and stuffing the list inside his back pocket.
I smiled watching that happen because I knew it meant Sean was going to give me a name, possibly more than one, I’d scope them out in person, and then we’d get started on healing him.
I couldn’t have been happier in that moment.
Until I watched Sean pull his shirt off, toss it, and then get to work on his belt.
“I’ve never had sex on a couch before,” I admitted, getting to my feet now too so I could strip myself of clothing.
Sean unzipped his jeans. “Glad I get to cross that off your list.”
“Me too. I’m glad it’s you.”
He’d just sat down on the couch to work at his boots when he froze and looked up at me. Our eyes met. His flashed with lust, hunger, and so much meaning, I began to ache in a way I knew meant there was a good chance I’d hold a world record for orgasms tonight, the first one building already.
How crazy was that?
“Gonna cross it off a lot,” he promised.
I pulled my sweater off and grinned. “Awesome.”
He grinned back.
We resumed stripping, both of us holding onto our grins, then I got on my back, Sean got on top of me, we started kissing, touching, stroking, our moans coming soft and then building when Sean guided my legs around his waist and slid inside me.
Floor sex was amazing.
Couch sex was equally incredible, especially since Sean hadn’t lied about crossing this location off my list multiple times.
I came once on my back. Once on my knees with Sean taking me from behind while I gripped the armrest. Once with Sean’s fingers sliding inside me when I thought we were taking a break, but Sean’s break included exploring my body the way he always did when we’d lie naked together, and when Sean explored, he explored thoroughly.
Last, I came grinding my hips down on top of Sean while he licked and sucked on my breasts. That orgasm surprised me because I thought it would take a while, but it didn’t, thanks to Sean’s tongue and the words he spoke against my flesh while he went to town there. Sean talking dirty was possibly at the top of my kryptonite list.
I didn’t stand a chance.
Though, I had a feeling if it did hold top billing, it wouldn’t hold that title forever. Sean was always surprising me with something that make my heart ache or beat so, so wildly, and before the night was up and he went home, he did it again.
We were standing at the door kissing, Sean dressed and me in nothing but my oversized sweater and panties. I didn’t want him to leave, but we’d see each other at Whitecaps tomorrow morning, so I didn’t protest.
Still, I kept attacking his mouth every time he pulled away, so I had a feeling he knew where I stood on him leaving.
Finally getting enough (not really), I kept my arms around his neck and rocked back onto my heels.
Sean smiled down at me. Then he topped the dirty talking, giving me compliments, going shirtless, and everything else he’d ever done.
He topped it all.
“I’m sellin’ the trailer.”
My lungs ceased working for a beat, then I pulled in a breath and grinned the biggest grin of my life. I rolled up onto my toes again and went in—I had to.
Sean was the one who attacked my mouth when I pulled away that time, which led to longer, harder kisses.
He eventually went home. It just took him a while.
Chapter Eighteen
Sean
Eight Days Later
I got five hundred bucks for my trailer, exactly half of what I paid for it. I was expecting less than that, so I felt good about what I got.
Shayla was beaming as she stood there watching that transaction happen.
Now I had an extra five hundred dollars, which wasn’t a ton of money, but it was still extra, and I wanted to do something with it, or at least something with the two-fifty I’d have after giving Val her cut.
She’d paid for enough on her own while I was away.
I wanted to give her the full amount, but she suggested I treat the girls to something with the rest.
I liked that idea.
Shayla did too when I told her.
“What are you thinking for them?” she’d asked me when I picked her up later that afternoon after speaking to Val about it. “We’re going to get something, aren’t we? I know we are.”
“Why’s that?”
“We never take your truck anywhere.”
She had a point.
My truck was a piece of shit that served the purpose of a truck, nothing more, which was why I kept it. I liked my bike better and went for that unless I needed to haul something.
I’d choose my bike and Shayla holding on to me and pressing close any day.
I pulled away from her apartment, sharing, “Found a playground in the paper this guy is selling ’cause his kids don’t use it anymore. It’s nice. Small, but has swings and a slide. My girls will love it.”
Shayla smiled over at me, then she unlatched her seat belt and slid across the bench seat, burrowing against my side. “Good choice,” she said. “Can’t think of a better way to spend that money.”
I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, liking the feel of her against my side almost as much as I liked the feel of her at my back.
Maybe my truck wasn’t so bad.
Once I paid the guy and we got the playground broken down and loaded, Shayla and I spent the afternoon putting it together at the house.
We talked like we always did. We laughed too, especially when Shayla jok
ed about being an expert at heavy lifting, referencing my cock and how well she manages with that.
It was good fucking day.
I was having a lot of those lately with Shayla by my side.
Then later that night after we got cleaned up, we headed over to Syd and Brian’s place for family dinner.
I didn’t know what to expect going over there. I never got invited to shit like this unless it was dinner over at Bridgett’s house when Val and I were together. I figured I’d talk to Shayla most of the night and field questions from the other girls who showed up, since they didn’t know how not to talk to me, and truth be told, I didn’t mind it. What I hadn’t anticipated was getting pulled into conversation by everyone there.
And it started the second we walked in.
The girls latched on to me first—Tori and Jenna, Brian’s sister I’d met the other night. They pulled me into the kitchen, where everyone was standing around, talking and waiting for the food to be ready. Syd was in there cooking, and once she saw me, she got in on it too. Brian and Jamie, who I met when Shayla brought all that furniture over last month, got a few words in when their women quit talking long enough to take a breath. They welcomed me and told everyone to ease off, which didn’t happen. Even Jenna’s kids, Oliver and Olivia, stayed close and fired questions at me. I wasn’t used to attention like that.
I didn’t mind it, though. It felt good—everyone wanting me there and not being shy about making sure I knew it. I understood real fast why they called it family dinner.
This was family.
The conversations carried throughout the meal, which was damn good. I hadn’t been expecting that.
I found out the guys owned a surf shop together— this place called Wax. Cole, their friend and the guy Kali was seeing, worked there as well. He couldn’t make dinner, and Kali was working with the new girl Lauren whom Tori kept complaining about, and once it was clear she was gearing up to complain for a good while, the guys stepped out on the deck and asked me to join them.
Each of us took a seat around the glass patio table, drinks in hand, while Oliver and Olivia, Jenna’s kids, chased Sir, Syd and Brian’s dog, around the yard.