by Barbara Gee
After everyone was finished eating we cleared the tables and Jude put on Christmas music. JP’s mom started a jigsaw puzzle at the end of one table and a couple of ladies soon joined her. JP, Scott, and a couple other men made themselves comfortable around the fire and talked guy stuff. I joined a group playing fast Scrabble. It got pretty competitive, which was good because it kept me from glancing over at JP so much.
I finally bowed out of the game and went to the kitchen for another cup of wassail. The carafe needed refilling, so I strained some more from the pot on the stove.
“Mind pouring me a cup?”
I whirled around to see JP leaning over the island, his forearms propped on the granite. My heart began racing, causing me to feel a little light-headed, but I managed a tight smile.
“Sure.”
I filled two cups without spilling a drop—a major victory considering my reaction to the man. I handed him one, careful not to let our fingers touch.
“Have you had Ava’s wassail before?” I asked. I felt like I had to say something, and commenting on the wassail seemed pretty harmless.
“I had some with dinner.”
I sipped and managed to swallow without an embarrassing choking incident. “It’s good, huh? It’s her grandma’s recipe. She used to make it for us every Christmas.”
He lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “It’s not bad, but it can’t compare to a good strong cup of coffee.”
I cocked my head, then pointed behind us. “There’s a whole pot of coffee right over there. Why aren’t you drinking that instead?”
His eyes crinkled in a sheepish smile. “Cuz you weren’t pouring it.”
I didn’t know what to say to that so I stayed silent, blowing on my drink and staring out over the room so I didn’t get drawn into those mesmerizing eyes.
“I’m glad you came.”
I risked a look at him. “Ava said we have to get used to being in the same room.”
“Think we can do it?” he asked, taking a sip of wassail and not quite hiding a grimace.
I chuckled and went over to the back counter to fix him a cup of coffee. He joined me there and I started feeling a little panicked. It was better when we’d had the island separating us.
“Do you take cream and sugar?” I asked nervously.
He waited until I looked up at him. “You know I don’t, Myla,” he said softly.
Yes, I did know that. I just didn’t want him to know I remembered.
I looked down and slid the cup toward him, trying to concentrate on breathing normally. “Ava sure knows how to throw a party,” I said a little desperately.
“She does.” He paused and I heard him let out a long breath. “Look, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I just wanted to at least say hi.”
I couldn’t resist. “Hi’s good. Or, you know, pour me some wassail. That works too.”
He chuckled. “I asked nicely.”
“Even though you didn’t want any.”
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t sure I should say what I really wanted to.”
I gave him a questioning look and saw humor glinting in his blue eyes.
“Obviously you have to say it now,” I told him.
He leaned comfortably against the edge of the counter and took a sip of coffee. Making me wait. Which made me remember how much he’d always liked to tease me.
“Spit it out, JP,” I said.
He grinned. “Fine. I wanted to tell you how beautiful you look tonight, but I was afraid that would be too much too soon. I don’t want to scare you away our first time being in the same room.”
I tried not to smile. “I appreciate your restraint. And the compliment.”
“And I appreciate the coffee.” He pushed away from the counter, which brought him closer to where I stood. My breath caught as I looked up at him. Way up. His height, all six-foot-three-inches of it, had always made me feel small and extra-feminine. I’d liked it then, and I liked it now.
“One more thing,” he said softly. “If you ever get the urge to send me another text, I wouldn’t mind too much.”
It was so unexpected I had to laugh. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“I’ll even text you back.”
“I’ll keep that in mind too.”
He chuckled and walked away, heading back over to the fireplace. I was blatantly admiring the rear view when Ava stepped into my sight line.
“Are you okay?” she whispered. “I saw him coming over here and didn’t know whether I should stop him or not.”
“I’m fine.”
She looked at me skeptically, then gave a slow, admiring nod. “Woah, you really are. Why? I mean, I figured talking to him for the first time would really upset you.”
“I haven’t had a chance to tell you, but we actually talked before tonight,” I admitted. “It was the night you all went over to Hannah’s for dinner. I was out on my porch working on the Christmas lights you gave me when he drove past. He saw me and came over.”
Ava’s eyes got huge. “You two talked? Like, really talked?”
“Not for long. He just showed up and tried to explain some things.”
“And?” she prompted. “How do you feel about it?”
“Honestly, I have no idea. Let’s just say he gave me a lot to think about.”
She looked thoughtful. “Whatever he said definitely changed things. That’s why you aren’t freaking out tonight. I’ve been worried for nothing.”
“I wouldn’t have freaked out either way,” I declared. “At least, not on the outside.”
Ava chuckled and would have said more, but JP’s mom, Camilla, came over to us then. I immediately tensed up, but with Ava’s help we got through the “Hi, it’s so nice to see you, it’s been so long, how’ve you been” talk with a minimum of awkwardness.
An hour later, a yawning Hannah asked when I’d be ready to go. I assured her I was ready whenever she was, and she admitted to being dead on her feet. We said our good-byes and yes, I avoided looking at JP because I knew if our eyes met he’d be able to tell just how badly I’d wanted that one last look.
It was strange feeling as if I still knew him so well, when I really no longer knew him at all.
Chapter 8
B
eing back in Hidden Creek for Christmas day seemed like a dream. A good one, thankfully, and also a very busy one. Christmas dinner is my mom’s favorite meal to prepare and she goes all out. Last year she and my dad came out to Arizona to celebrate Christmas with me, but we had to do it a few days early so she could get back for Christmas lunch here. So many people count on it and she didn’t want to let them down.
Great Aunt Donna, Uncle Ray, their two daughters, and the daughters’ husbands always come. The girls have five grown kids between them and if any of them are in town with their own families for Christmas day, they come too. My dad’s single brother, Uncle Alan, is also a regular, and there are a few other aunts, uncles, and cousins who are hit and miss. Basically, any member of the family who is in town for the holiday will show up at Mom and Dad’s. Then of course there’s my brother, Thad, his wife Amy, and their precious little Alex.
There’s never been fewer than twenty people there, and the record is thirty-five. I know that because Mom keeps detailed records. Today there are twenty-four of us. Mom and Dad don’t have a huge house, but with several folding tables spaced around the rooms and tray tables for the sofas, we make it work.
Notice there aren’t any grandparents on the list I gave. Strange as it sounds considering I’m only twenty-six, I don’t have any living grandparents. My dad’s parents died in an accident when he was young, and my mother’s parents died three years apart when I was in my teens— Grandpop from a heart attack, and Grandmom from a brain aneurysm. Since then, Aunt Donna has kind of stepped in as my grandma. I love her for it, but man, she loves nothing more than getting up in people’s business. Between her and her church friends, no secret is safe.
I arrived at Mom’s at eight o
’clock that morning to help with all the preparations. She always likes to eat right at noon, so we had a lot to do in a short time. Dad had all the tables and chairs in place, but I took care of all the place settings and arranging the centerpieces of candles, holly, and pinecones. When that was done, Mom put me to work in the kitchen. I stirred, sliced, chopped, and boiled all kinds of things, only stopping when I needed to greet a new arrival.
It got louder and louder in the house as it filled up, but I didn’t mind. It was so much better than being alone in a quiet apartment.
I was frosting a cake in the corner of the kitchen when good old Aunt Donna sidled up to me with a look that told me she was going to ask questions I didn’t want to answer.
“So, Myla honey, have you been keeping busy now that the school is closed for the holidays?”
I smiled and nodded. “Oh yeah. I can always find something to do,” I said vaguely.
“I’m sure your social life has been hopping since you’ve been back. So many people to catch up with.”
“Not as busy as yours, from what I hear,” I said, deflecting. “I just talked to Uncle Ray and he says he hardly sees you anymore.”
“Not true,” she said. “I cook him dinner every night. But I’ll admit, the girls and I stay on the go. Did I tell you Rose and I go walking almost every day? We go at least a mile and a half on the new walking trail. Priscilla joins us sometimes, but she can’t go as far because her sciatica flares up if she’s not careful.”
“Yes, she told me all about that,” I said. And she had, at great length, over lunch at the buffet after church.
Donna flapped a hand. “Getting old’s no picnic, let me tell you, but if you can stay active, it’s not so bad. I’m eighty-three and I really can’t complain.”
“You’re a very young eighty-three-year-old,” I said fondly. “In fact, you’re the only one I know who can charge a kidnapper with a tree branch and bounce right back,” I added, referring to her heroics months ago when one of Ava’s former colleagues tried to have her abducted. Thankfully Donna and Jude had teamed up to stop it.
Donna couldn’t stop her wide grin. “One of the highlights of my life,” she admitted. “But back to you—and don’t think I don’t know you’re trying to distract me, young lady. Have you seen JP since you’ve been back? I heard he moved to Mountain View, but with you and Ava being so close and him being Jude’s brother, I figure your paths are bound to cross.”
“I’ve seen him around.” I finished the cake off with a fancy swirl and reached for a pie to cut, needing to keep busy so I didn’t have to look at her.
“Have you two spoken? I hope it hasn’t been too hard on you, sweetie. I’d be happy to give him a piece of my mind if he’s being difficult.”
I chuckled. “We’ve talked a little. He’s not being difficult, so there’s no need to give him a piece of your mind at this point. I’ll let you know if that changes.”
“You be sure to do that. I won’t have him running you off a second time.”
I assured her I wasn’t going anywhere and then my mother hurried into the kitchen, her timing impeccable even though she didn’t know it. “Okay, people, five minutes and we’ll be saying grace,” Mom declared. “Let’s get everything set out so we can eat while it’s hot. Are all the desserts cut, Myla? It slows things down when people have to do their own cutting.”
“Finishing the last pie,” I said.
“Good girl. Aunt Donna, would you mind pouring some iced tea and water to have ready? That helps speed things up too.”
Pretty soon the island was loaded with ham, turkey, and side dishes, and the kitchen table with salads and all the desserts. We gathered and bowed our heads as my father said grace, then the chaos began. But it was good chaos. Chaos I’d sorely missed.
***
Later in the evening, when everyone had gone except Thad, Amy, and Alex, we had our family Christmas. Alex opened his huge pile of gifts first. The lucky kid was definitely reaping the benefits of being the only grandchild and nephew. Then us adults opened ours. Dad gave me a jewelry box he’d made in his wood shop, and Mom surprised me with a beautiful ruby ring that had belonged to her mother. I remembered Grandmom wearing it and I loved having that little piece of her. It meant a lot that Mom wanted me to have it.
I got home at nine o’clock, tired but content. I changed into flannel pajamas and slippers, then made a cup of hot chocolate. Rather than going out to sit on the porch swing, I pulled a chair up to the front window and propped my feet on the sill so I could look out at the lights while I sipped my drink.
I wondered if JP’s Christmas had been good. I knew Jude and Ava had gone to spend the day with Ava’s family in Virginia, but what had the rest of the Keller family done? Gotten together at Camilla and Hank’s? Did they have any family visiting? Had their meal been quiet and relaxing or loud and boisterous with cousins and kids?
I didn’t know his family’s traditions and he didn’t know mine. We’d met in the month of July and broken up in October, so we’d never spent the holidays together. It made me sad to realize that if things hadn’t fallen apart, this would have been our fourth Christmas together. We would definitely be married, maybe even have a child by now.
Instead, I was sitting here staring at the lights he’d hung, wondering how his day had gone. I sighed and closed my eyes, wishing and longing. What I wouldn’t give to be curled up with him on the couch in our house, wherever that might be, the room lit only by Christmas lights and a fire, relaxing after a day spent with family.
My fantasy was interrupted when my phone chimed from over on the coffee table where I’d laid it. I recognized Ava’s tone and I figured she wanted to know about my day. I retrieved the phone and saw I was right. I sent a quick reply telling her it had been great and asking about hers.
I returned to my chair by the window and we chatted back and forth for a while. They were on their way home and expected to get in around midnight. I told her about the ring Mom had given me, which I was currently wearing on my right hand. It looked a little silly with my polar bear printed pajamas, but I didn’t want to take it off yet.
After we said good night I sat there holding my phone in both hands, wondering if I dared text JP. He’d made it clear he wouldn’t mind hearing from me, but for some reason that actually made it harder for me to follow through. Texting him now, when he’d all but dared me to do it, would be making a statement. It would be telling him I was open to continued contact, which meant…what? What came after that?
Was I ready to make that statement? Was I ready to find out what came after?
I opened our text thread and read the short texts we’d exchanged a week ago. The grand total of two seemed laughable. Back when we were together we’d texted all the time, and I’d had to delete literally thousands of them when I left because just knowing they were on my phone had been too painful.
Now I had a whopping two. Did I want to start adding to the list again?
My thumbs started moving before I made up my mind. At least that’s how it felt.
Me: Merry Christmas. Hope you had a good day.
I hit send and waited. Maybe he was already in bed and wouldn’t reply until morning, but I hoped he was still up. I wanted to talk to him on Christmas Day, even if it was only words on a screen.
The reply bubbles appeared, which meant he was typing. I held my breath as I waited.
JP: Merry Christmas to you too.
A second message came through before I could respond.
JP: I’m not too proud to admit I checked my phone at least fifty times today.
My pulse immediately sped up. Had he really been hoping to hear from me all day? Was it possible I’d been on his mind as much as he was on mine?
My hands trembled as I typed a reply.
Me: Were you at your parents’ house?
JP: Yeah. You?
Me: All day. Mom’s Christmas lunch preparations start early. Twenty-four people.
JP: Wow.
All family?
Me: Yeah. Mostly Aunt Donna’s crew.
JP: Sounds fun. It was just Janna and me at Mom and Dad’s.
Me: I’m sure it was a lot quieter.
JP: Yeah it was good. Hey I’m gonna ask you something but no pressure, OK?
Me: Ok.
I waited anxiously for his response. I had no idea what he was going to ask but I hoped it was something that meant I would get to see him again. And yes, I knew exactly what was happening—I knew I was getting sucked back into something I’d vowed to never, ever go back to, but I felt powerless to resist the pull of him. Powerless to protect my heart from the man I’d tried so hard to hate.
If he hurt me again, I’d have no one to blame but myself. But what if he didn’t? What if this time…what if it worked?
His text arrived.
JP: Janna asked me to take a look at the house that was donated to Find Your Rest to make sure the structure is sound. I’m going to drive over to Caldwell tomorrow afternoon to check it out. She said you told her you’d like to see it sometime and that I should bring you along.
I read the whole message twice, my heart in my throat, and then he sent another one.
JP: Like I said, no pressure. If you don’t want to go, that’s fine.
The question wasn’t whether I wanted to go, it was whether I should. Saying yes meant I’d be alone with him in his truck for the forty-minute drive to and from Caldwell. Was I crazy for even considering it?
I released a long breath and drew my knees up to my chest. A few minutes ago, simply texting him had seemed like a big deal. Now I was contemplating spending an entire afternoon with him. That was a huge, giant leap past a few text messages.
But oh how I wanted to go.
I forced myself to count slowly to ten before I made a decision. Then I did it again. In the end, my desire to see him overruled my caution. Apparently JP was my kryptonite. He made me weak when I’d sworn to myself I’d be strong. And it was all because of that one question that kept rising to the top. What if this time it worked?