by J. H. Croix
Later that afternoon, Janie was busy cleaning. It was Saturday, and she was doing what she usually did on Saturday—chores. Unsettled with how comfortable she was getting with Travis, she’d brushed him off this morning and insisted she had other things to do when he offered to take her and Stella out for breakfast. Stella had sulked briefly about it, but she’d quickly moved on to texting back and forth with friends. After cleaning the house, Janie tossed the trash and recycling in the back of her car and headed off to swing by the dump. She stopped her car at the top of the hill on the way out of the dump’s parking lot. Only in Alaska could someone consider going to the dump a scenic trip. Eagles were posted on every tree and any other possible resting spot. They swarmed the dump for scraps on most afternoons. Her eyes landed on an eagle stationed atop a boulder at the base of the drive into the parking lot. The eagle turned its head slowly, its sharp eyes landing on her. The regal bird quickly decided she wasn’t worth staring at and turned its head away again.
She looked beyond the highway to Kachemak Bay. Wind gusted forcefully today leaving the surface of the water choppy. The mountains on the far side of the bay were topped with snow, offering a stunning view of the jagged peaks against the bright blue sky. Looking out over this familiar view called to her heart because it was home. It settled her inside. Her gut had been churning with anxiety since last night. She needed to re-establish some sense of internal control when it came to Travis. At this moment, she felt calm and rational. She’d back off and slow things down. It was what she needed, and it was the smart thing to do for Stella. She didn’t want to barrel into this relationship with Travis without considering Stella. Stella was already getting attached to him, and Janie didn’t even know where things might be going with him, or how he might feel about any of it, including her ready-made family.
Travis kicked the snow off of his boots and stepped through the main entrance to the fire station. He quickly grabbed the shovel tucked by the door and stepped back outside. Within seconds, he’d cleared the snow that had already started to pile up in front of the door. A fast-moving snowstorm had rolled in last night, and they were still in the thick of it. He made his way back inside and aimed straight for the break room, pulling his phone out to check it out of habit. It had been almost a week since he’d had a night with Janie, and he was about half-crazed because of it. It wasn’t that she wasn’t talking to him, it was that she dodged every attempt he made to try to see her. He’d texted this morning before he left to see if he could stop by tonight. As of yet, no reply from her.
He walked into the break room and strode right to the coffee pot. He didn’t even look and started to lift it when he realized it was empty. “Dammit!” he exclaimed to no one. With a sigh, he set the coffee pot down and started to get another batch ready.
“Dammit what?”
Travis glanced over his shoulder to see Sylvia entering the room from the other side. “No coffee. You spoil us, so when it’s empty, well… you know how I feel,” he said with a wry smile.
Sylvia reached his side and nudged him out of the way. “Sit down. I’ll get this.”
Travis didn’t argue and sat down at the table nearby. Sylvia quickly started the coffee and then sat down across from him. She was quiet, although her mere presence was comforting. Sylvia functioned as a quasi-mother to all of them in the station. As such, with him feeling off kilter at the depth of his feelings for Janie and her recent dodges of him, he could use a dose of Sylvia’s warm, motherly presence. He ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. Sylvia stood and tugged the coffee pot out, quickly pouring him a cup before putting it back to allow the pot to finish filling. She slid it across the table to him as she sat down again.
“Figured you could use the strongest bit. Cream is right there,” she said with a nod to the small container in the center of the table.
He quickly poured a dash of cream in his coffee and took a gulp. Sylvia angled her head to the side. “You don’t look too good. Are you okay?”
He considered her question. He didn’t know how to answer because everything he was feeling inside was entirely foreign to him. Up to now, when he was having a rough day, it was usually based on the mundane annoyances life tossed out. In many ways, he’d led a charmed life. Beyond his family and close friends, no one had gotten close enough to him to rattle him in this way. As a firefighter and emergency responder, he’d witnessed his share of tragedy and loss, yet those tragedies and losses had belonged to others. He’d witnessed the emotional tidal waves that rocked lives, but he’d never really experienced them for himself. He wasn’t equating a week’s avoidance from Janie as anything like an actual tragedy, yet his emotional unsteadiness was so startling, he didn’t know how to deal with it. He missed her acutely and realized for the first time what it meant to care this deeply for her.
He took another gulp of coffee and met Sylvia’s eyes, lifting a shoulder in a half shrug. “Depends on what you mean by okay.”
Sylvia stared over at him, her eyes considering. She sighed and leaned back in her chair. “This must have something to do with Janie.”
Travis ran a hand through his hair and nodded. “Bingo. This is all new for me. I’m all out of whack and it’s just because I haven’t seen her in a week. It’s nothing major, but she’s always got a reason she’s busy. I feel stupid saying it out loud, but…” He gulped down more coffee and stood to refill his cup.
“You’re not stupid, you’re in love,” Sylvia said plainly.
He almost dropped his coffee, tightening his fingers around the cup at the last second before it fell loose from his grip. He turned the idea of love over in his mind. Problem was, his mind didn’t help much, not when his heart gave a resounding kick at the mention of the word. He returned to the table, unsettled inside. He met Sylvia’s warm gaze, his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. “You think?” he finally managed to ask.
Sylvia smiled slightly, nodding slowly as she did. “Oh yes. If she were just a woman you were dating, this wouldn’t bother you in the least. You might wonder, but you’d carry on. You certainly wouldn’t be moping about the station, cranky and snapping at the slightest thing. You’re an easy-going guy and you’ve been blessed with a life that made you that way. That’s why it makes it hard for you to be so stirred up inside. You’re not asking my advice, but I’ll give it to you. If she’s brushing you off, be direct with her. My guess is Janie’s as thrown by this as you are.”
“You think so?” He didn’t want to hope Janie was as unsettled as he was, but it was a relief to think she could be. It might signify she felt something akin to what he did.
“I’ve known Janie her whole life. Like I told you before, watching what her mother went through with Randy did a number on her. No matter what, this will throw her as much as you.”
Travis’s radio crackled from where he’d tossed it on the table. A report came through about a fire up on the hillside. He stood quickly and guzzled his coffee. “Gotta go!”
As he reached the door, he glanced back. “Thanks for the advice,” he said.
“Always. Make sure you take it!” Her words reached him as he raced down the hall.
Many hours later, he pulled into Janie’s driveway. He’d called her on his way back from the fire. It had been yet another chimney fire. Early winter resulted in frequent chimney fires, more often than not caused solely by people choosing not to bother with cleaning their chimney. Janie had started to demur when he asked about stopping by, but he’d taken Sylvia’s words to heart, so he’d been direct and told her he wanted to talk. He rolled to a stop and turned the engine off. The snow had ended a few hours ago, leaving several feet of white fluff covering the landscape. He leaned his head back and gathered himself. He hadn’t a clue what to say, but he knew he couldn’t stand to keep waiting without making sure she knew how he felt. He’d had hours to think since his brief conversation with Sylvia. After they’d dealt with the fire, he’d helped clean the fire trucks back at the station, restless to do a
nything to keep himself occupied. The activity had kept him busy, but his mind hadn’t stopped churning with thoughts of Janie. He was struggling to contain the emotions barreling through him, yet he was certain Sylvia was right. He loved Janie. Now, he just had to find the courage to tell her.
He shook himself and stepped out of the truck. The packed snow crunched under his boots. When he stepped onto the side porch, the kitchen door opened and Pansy dashed past him into the yard, immediately bounding into the snow. Stella stood in the doorway, grinning as she watched Pansy run in mad circles through the snow.
“Hey there,” he said.
Stella glanced to him. “Hey! I figured you were here. Pansy got all excited about something. Come on in.” She stepped through the door onto the deck and gestured inside.
Travis walked into the kitchen to find Janie putting dishes in the dishwasher. He distantly heard Stella calling Pansy’s name. One week. One single week since he’d seen Janie, and it was all he could do not to step to her, lift her in his arms and carry her to the closest place he could find. It wasn’t simply the driving need to be with her physically, but the deep need to connect with her intimately. Pansy dashed by him and came to a sliding stop in the middle of the kitchen. She stopped and shook, sending snowflakes in a swirl around her.
Stella closed the door, cold air whooshing in behind her. As she started to skip across the kitchen, Janie closed the dishwasher and looked up. “Stella, take it easy. Your ankle’s better, but don’t overdue it.”
Stella wrinkled her nose and rolled her eyes, but she obediently slowed to a walk and plunked down on a stool by the counter. Janie had yet to address him directly, but conversation carried on with Stella chattering blithely. At some point, she got distracted by a text and meandered out of the kitchen, texting back and forth with Parker. Travis glanced to Janie. “I guess texting is the modern version of talking on the phone for kids, huh?”
Janie burst out laughing. “Absolutely! She almost never makes calls to her friends.”
He couldn’t help but smile, it was so good to hear her laugh. As they stood there, her smile faded and she looked over at him. “You said you wanted to talk,” she finally said.
His chest tightened, and his heart jumpstarted. He managed to nod. “I did. Can I ask you something first?”
She was holding a dishtowel and began to twist it between her hands. After a moment, she nodded.
He didn’t have much of a plan for how to have this conversation, and he was definitely navigating uncharted waters, seeing as no woman had ever mattered this much to him. He took a gulp of air. “Have you been avoiding me?” he finally asked.
Her eyes widened, and the towel slid in a loop between her hands. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before shrugging. “Not on purpose, but maybe that’s what ended up happening,” she finally said.
Her words were a glancing blow. For a second, he reacted to the idea she was avoiding him, but then he managed to absorb the first part—that she hadn’t been avoiding him on purpose. He held onto that.
“Okay. I, uh… Look, I don’t know how the hell to explain any of this. It seemed like you were avoiding me, and well, I, uh, I miss seeing you. I guess we haven’t talked about us and maybe I should’ve said something sooner, but this is all new to me, so I didn’t. Here’s the thing…” He paused to catch his breath when he realized his words were tumbling out in a jumble. When he looked over at Janie to gauge her response, her eyes were pinned to him. He couldn’t read her expression. For a split second, he almost decided to forget it. He mentally gave a hard shake and forged ahead. “The thing is I think I love you.” That was it. That was all he could say. With his heart hammering, he gulped in air.
The words dropped like a stone in the room. Janie’s mouth opened and closed. Her eyes widened again and her breath drew in sharply. The long silence wasn’t exactly encouraging. He couldn’t say what he expected because he hadn’t thought about expecting anything. He’d simply wanted to make sure she knew how he felt.
The towel was twisting in a rapid loop between her hands. She finally spoke. “I…I don’t know what to say. I never…” She paused and shook her head sharply. “This is a lot, this thing with us. I won’t say I was consciously avoiding you, but I just needed a little time to try to think straight. You see, I don’t really do this kind of thing.” She dropped the towel from one hand and gestured between them. “I don’t know how I feel because I feel half-crazy inside. Can you give me a little time to slow down?”
Travis started across the kitchen. Maybe six feet separated him from Janie, and he fought the urge to close the distance and kiss her. He needed to show her what he meant. He knew what he felt when they were together. Maybe she didn’t know if she loved him, but he knew she felt something and something powerful, or it wouldn’t feel as if they were bound together by invisible threads. He forced himself to take a deep breath. Disappointment was nearly crushing him. Footsteps sounded in the hallway upstairs, reminding him Stella was here. In another second, she was jogging down the stairs.
“Mom, Parker wants to drive me to the dance next weekend? Is that okay?” Stella slid across the hardwood floor in her socks, skidding to a slow stop beside Janie.
Janie looked to her, her expression blank for a moment. Her eyes came into focus and she started to nod and then paused. “As long as the weather’s not bad. I don’t want him driving you two around if the roads are slick.”
“Mom, but…”
Janie shook her head firmly. “That’s the deal. If the weather’s bad, his mom and I can decide between us who’ll do the driving.”
Stella cast her eyes in Travis’s direction, but he whole-heartedly agreed with Janie. Not to mention, he wasn’t about to put himself at odds in this situation. He shook his head and gestured to Janie. “Don’t look at me. I completely agree with your mom.”
Stella rolled her eyes and quickly began texting something on her phone as she walked over to the couch in the living room and plopped down. She snagged the remote and turned the television on. Travis looked to Janie who had returned to twisting the dishtowel in her hands. Much as he wanted to insist she see to reason, or more accurately to heart, now wasn’t the time with Stella as an audience. “Look, I’ll get outta here. If you wanna talk some more, let me know.”
Something flashed in her eyes. “Travis, I didn’t mean…”
“It’s okay. Now’s not the time. You know how I feel. Unless I hear from you, I’ll give you the space you’re asking for.” At that, he tore his eyes away from hers and turned to the door. He was relieved for the low hum from the television, keeping Stella’s attention off of them. When he reached the door, he called a good bye to Stella and quickly left, not trusting himself to look in Janie’s direction again.
His heart was pounding so hard, he thought he might break a rib. As he drove away, he felt crushed. He didn’t know what he’d hoped for, but he’d definitely hoped for a little more than that from Janie. He supposed it was better that she knew how he felt, no matter what it meant for her.
Chapter 19
Janie walked down the hallway to her classroom. She’d woken to another gray day, which suited her mood perfectly. Almost a week had passed since Travis stopped by and announced he thought he loved her. In the intervening time, she felt torn to pieces. The truth was, she was pretty sure she loved him too. But she felt like a fool for how she’d reacted when he told her how he felt and one thing after another kept getting in the way of her finding a time to talk with him. Stella had recital practice every night right now, along with the weekly performances themselves. This time of year was always busy at school with students ramping up for testing and the interruptions of the holidays making mischief in the classroom, especially for students who needed routine almost as much as they needed air and water. Her days were filled with managing tiny behavioral outbursts, teaching to tests and racing home to take Stella to practice.
In the meantime, the gossip mill was abuzz over Randy
’s return to Diamond Creek and his arrest. It seemed like every time Janie turned around, someone was breathlessly asking her what she thought about it. Over and over, she was reminded of his outsized presence in her mother’s history and her own encounter with his fist. His presence was a painful reminder of why she’d chosen a life of independence.
A child raced past her, reaching the door to her classroom seconds before she did. “Danny! Slow down,” she called.
Danny skidded to an abrupt stop, his brown hair bouncing comically as he did. He looked up at her when she reached his side. “I didn’t wanna be late.”
She ruffled his hair. “I’d rather you be a few seconds late than running.”
He managed to speed walk to his desk and plop down just as the bell rang. Her day passed in a blur, while most of the time she had trouble focusing. She kept replaying the scene in the kitchen with Travis. By the end of the day, she was frazzled. After the last bell rang and her students hurried out of the classroom, she savored the quiet as she did a quick check of the classroom, tidying a few areas. She’d returned to her desk and was gathering some papers when she heard her name. She glanced up to see Tess walking through the door.
“Hey, what brings you here?” she asked, inordinately pleased to see Tess. She could use a few minutes of Tess’s warmth.
Tess brushed a loose curl out of her eyes and shimmied her hips onto Janie’s desk. “Checking in with Nancy about the numbers from the last school fundraiser. Figured you might be around, so I thought I’d check. How’s it going?”