by Penny Jordan
She reached out and touched Sophy’s arm gently.
‘For your sake I’m glad that all this has happened, and that it’s giving you a chance to get to know your father, albeit rather late in your life, but the relationship you’ll have with him will of necessity be separate from the relationship you have with me…’
‘Like a parcel passed between two divorced parents,’ Sophy scoffed acidly. ‘At least as a child I was spared that.’ She saw Kate’s face and hugged her impulsively. ‘Oh, Ma, I’m sorry. I had a wonderful childhood, and if you think I’m blaming you in any way because my father wasn’t a part of that childhood, then don’t.’ She hesitated, and then asked almost nervously, ‘Are you really sure you don’t mind if I see him?’
Mind…of course she minded, but in so many complex ways that she could barely understand them all herself, and so she sidestepped the question and said instead, ‘He’s your father, Sophy. It’s only natural that you should want to know him and that he should want to know you.’
* * *
It was a very emotional evening, with John manfully trying to keep them all on an even keel.
‘Just wait until Mother hears about this,’ he commented, when Sophy had had a little weep and implored Kate for the umpteenth time to tell her if she minded if she saw Joss. In the end they spent the entire evening talking about what had happened, and the sheer coincidence of it happening at all.
It was late when Kate finally got up to leave, having arranged that both John and Sophy would come round to Joss’s apartment early the following afternoon.
‘I’ll drive you back, if you like,’ John offered, but Kate shook her head.
‘There’s no need,’ she reassured him. ‘I’ll get a taxi.’
While John rang for one, Sophy whispered dazedly, ‘I still can’t take it in. I feel like a kid who’s suddenly discovered Father Christmas has been in the middle of the summer, thrilled to bits and yet half expecting it’s all going to disappear again.’
‘It won’t,’ Kate assured her firmly, as they hugged one another.
* * *
On the way back in the taxi she wondered how Joss had spent the evening. Sophy must have been on his mind. He must have been worrying…wondering…and suddenly she was anxious to be with him, to reassure him that he need have no fears of Sophy rejecting him.
Her own fear of trespassing too intimately on the neutral ground between them, of embarrassing him with a warmth of emotion he could not want, were forgotten in her sudden urgent eagerness to assure him that Sophy was eager and willing to welcome him into her life.
Her own fears, her subconscious feeling that somehow he would come between Sophy and herself, were submerged in the vast, warm swell of emotion that rose up inside her and reached out towards him.
She glanced upwards towards the top of the building as she directed the taxi to stop, but could see no lights shining.
Did that mean that Joss was out? Absurd to feel so disappointed. After all, the news she had for him would quite easily keep until morning. So why did she have this let-down feeling…this sense of something almost approaching betrayal?
Paying off the taxi, she headed for the rear entrance to the building, relieved to see that it was well-illuminated; she felt all the country dweller’s nervousness at the thought of the dangers of the city late at night, but no one appeared as she unlocked the door and let herself inside the ground-floor hallway.
She rejected the lift in favour of the stairs, and then wished she hadn’t as she reached the top with a stitch in her side and her breathing uneven.
When she let herself into Joss’s apartment the sitting-room was in darkness. Joss was obviously out, she acknowledged dejectedly as she switched on the lights and removed her jacket.
With Lucille? She hated the way her heart thudded so painfully at the thought. Her throat felt dry and she was longing for a cup of tea.
She couldn’t wait up for Joss to return, of course, she acknowledged as she found her way to the kitchen and filled the kettle. The kitchen’s grey and white décor struck her as very cold and cheerless, even though it was undoubtedly very streamlined and fashionable.
She wouldn’t have swapped it for her own homely and rather shabby kitchen at home, she decided as she studied the small, hi-tech room.
Engrossed in her thoughts, she didn’t hear the door open, and jumped visibly when she heard Joss say her name in a harshly curt voice.
Putting her hand on her chest, she gasped out loud and whirled round.
‘Oh, Joss! You frightened me. I thought you were out.’
‘Are you all right?’ he asked her fiercely, ignoring her comment.
‘All right?’ She wasn’t sure what he meant.
‘You’re breathing heavily, as though you’ve been running. London isn’t exactly the safest place these days for a woman on her own.’
‘I’m out of breath because I walked up the stairs instead of using the lift,’ she told him quickly, but the stern look carving his mouth didn’t relax, and all at once she felt almost like a little girl facing an angry parent.
‘Why didn’t you come back this afternoon?’ he asked tersely.
Kate stared at him, nonplussed, not wanting to give him the real reason she had opted to go straight to Sophy’s—that being the fact that she hadn’t wanted to risk another meeting with Lucille.
‘I…I didn’t want to disturb you,’ she fibbed wildly. ‘I thought you might be busy… It’s enough of an imposition for you that I’m here at all—’
‘An imposition,’ he pounced, his frown growing heavier. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. If anyone’s being imposed upon, it’s you. I was…’ There was a small silence and then he said grimly, ‘I suppose it never occurred to you that I might be worried when you didn’t return?’
Kate’s eyes widened. It hadn’t. She was so used to living and being alone that it hadn’t occurred to her at all.
‘You could have rung me at Sophy’s,’ she told him reasonably, remembering that she had given him Sophy’s number.
‘Could I?’ His voice was unfamiliarly harsh. ‘And what if something had happened to you? What if you’d changed your mind and gone home? For goodness’ sake, Kate. The arrangement was that you would come back here.’
Kate examined his taut features slowly. Was his concern genuinely for her, or for his relationship with Sophy? Had he suspected that she might have reneged on their agreement?
She gave him a cool smile.
‘I’m a grown woman, Joss, and probably as unused as you are yourself to accounting to anyone for my movements. I’m sorry if you were…concerned.’
‘Concerned?’
The look he gave her smashed through the cool barrier she was trying to erect to distance herself from him. Before she knew what was happening, he had taken hold of her, his fingers gripping her upper arms as he practically lifted her off her feet and shook her.
‘Concerned? Damn you, Kate, I was practically out of my mind with fear.’
She could hardly breathe for the panic engulfing her…not that he might hurt her, but that her unruly body might betray her completely by advertising how easily she was aroused by the scent and heat of him…by the sheer male proximity of him; so much so that it was making her feel light-headed and dizzy.
She made a soft sound of protest in her throat, and instantly Joss released her, his face unusually pale in the too harsh glare of the kitchen lights.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said tersely. ‘Did I hurt you? I’d forgotten how fragile you are. Bones like a bird’s, tiny…’ His fingers circled her wrist as though he was measuring its circumference, an abstracted absent gesture really, but one that made her flesh burn as though it was circled by fire.
Desperately she pulled away, the tension in the small kitchen almost a physical pressure tightening her skin.
Apprehension and excitement spiralled through her, twisting together to make one tight cord of sensation.
‘I’m sorry if you were wo
rried,’ she apologised light-headedly. ‘But there was no need. I’m an adult and perfectly capable of taking care of myself.’
She had said the wrong thing. His face tightened and so did his grip on her wrist.
‘Completely self-sufficient. But not in every way, Kate. There are still some things that need the participation of another person—like this…’
She knew that he was going to kiss her, but even knowing it did nothing to avoid the downward descent of his mouth, nor its hungry settling against her own.
She could feel anger, pain and relief emanating from him; familiar sensations, which softened her defences and made her want to reassure him.
Her hand touched his face, smoothing the rough flesh of his jaw—and finding the rasping prickle of his beard.
Once, long ago, she had touched him like this, feathering shy fingers over his jaw and then tracing the line above his upper lip where he shaved—a dangerous and heady exploration for a girl who had never even been kissed properly before she met him. He had seemed so male…so powerful…so adult and far removed for her.
He had teased her fingertips with his tongue and then his teeth, nibbling delicately at them until she had been quivering with a pleasure she hadn’t known existed.
Lost in the past, she was abruptly aware of tears smarting in her eyes. Then he had kissed her with tenderness and care; now he was kissing her with anger and dislike, and her comfort was the last thing he wanted.
As she lifted her hand from his face, he caught hold of her wrist. The pressure of his hard kiss slackened and he turned his mouth into the palm of her hand, caressing the soft flesh almost gently.
She had closed her eyes automatically when he’d started kissing her. Now she opened them and saw the dark fan of his lashes lying against his skin as his mouth moved delicately against her palm. He looked so vulnerable…so…
His lashes lifted and he looked at her, his eyes darkening shockingly as he saw that her own were filled with tears.
‘Kate, I’m sorry. I hurt you…I didn’t mean to. I was just so damned scared when you didn’t come back,’ he groaned.
And it was out of that fear and anger that he had kissed her, Kate recognised sadly, gently tugging her wrist free and stepping back from him.
‘This is a difficult and emotional time for all of us,’ she said huskily. ‘I expect it’s only natural that…that we’re going to say and do things that would normally be out of character. You didn’t hurt me, Joss. I could have moved…avoided you…your kiss…’
‘But you didn’t,’ he said slowly. ‘Why?’
There was something that had to be established between them so clearly that it would never be questioned, and now was the ideal time.
Taking a deep breath, she said quickly, ‘Because, in the circumstances, I think we can both accept that we should feel a little…curiosity about one another…as people do when they’ve been…close and then meet again in later life. Normally there are barriers between them that make sure that curiosity is controlled. They’re both normally married, or involved in other relationships. That…that doesn’t seem to be the case here, and…and I think that, while we both realise that it isn’t possible to go back to the past…tonight…with emotions running high…’
‘I gave way to my baser instincts and behaved as though we were still in the past and I’d every right to kiss you,’ Joss finished for her, stunning her, because that wasn’t what she’d meant at all. All she’d wanted to do was to assure him that she wasn’t going to misunderstand his reasons for kissing her and that he wouldn’t be embarrassed by her reading more into the embrace than there was.
She told him so, quickly, almost stammering in her haste to get the words out, not daring to look at him until she’d finished, and then surprising such a look of bitterness in his eyes that she stepped back from him automatically.
‘You’re very altruistic…or are you, Kate? Perhaps this is some kind of subtle warning disguised as concern, a warning not to try to intrude into your life because you don’t want me there.’
He was making a statement, not asking a question, but Kate was too dumb with shock to respond anyway.
‘If so, you’re going to have to teach your body to fall into line with your brain,’ he told her harshly, and as his glance slid deliberately down to the swell of her breasts Kate flinched to see the betraying outline of her distended nipples pushing against her silk dress.
It was an effort of will not to cross her hands protectively in front of her body. All desire for a cup of tea was gone. All she wanted now was to escape from Joss.
‘It’s late,’ she told him, half gabbling the words. ‘I think I’d better go to bed.’ And then, as she hurried past him towards the door, she stopped and turned round, guilty colour staining her skin as she remembered what she had not yet told him.
‘Sophy was…thrilled to learn that you’re her father,’ she told him nervously. ‘She was shocked at first, of course…but once I’d explained… She and John are going to come round tomorrow as we discussed. Sophy did mention how surprised John’s parents were going to be, and I realised that we hadn’t talked about how public you wanted to make your relationship with her.’
He looked at her broodingly, as though she had angered him in some way.
‘I don’t care who knows that Sophy is my child,’ he told her flatly. ‘Why should I?’
His eyes challenged her and she gulped nervously.
‘Well, no reason, only this afternoon Lucille seemed not to know why I was here.’
‘She doesn’t. It’s true that I don’t care who knows about Sophy, but until she had agreed to see me I felt honour-bound to keep our relationship private. In due course, Lucille, as my personal assistant, will have to be told about Sophy…’
‘Your personal assistant…I thought the relationship between the two of you was rather more…intimate than that.’
Oh, lord, what was she saying? No wonder Joss was looking at her like that.
‘You what?’
‘It’s no business of mine, of course,’ she pressed on doggedly, realising she had come too far now to back down, ‘but if Lucille is going one day to be Sophy’s stepmother…’
Joss made a sound under his breath that made her flinch.
‘Her stepmother? What the devil gave you that idea? I’ve already told you I am not sleeping with Lucille, never have slept with her and have no plans to sleep with her, let alone marry her. In point of fact,’ he added dangerously, ‘I haven’t slept with a woman…any woman since my marriage broke up.
‘I appreciate that in your eagerness to keep me well and truly out of your life, my marrying Lucille would appeal to you. But it doesn’t appeal to me.’
Unable to say a word, Kate opened the door and fled, and not until she was safely tucked up in her solitary double bed did she allow herself to dwell on exactly why she should be feeling so deliriously pleased that Joss was not involved with Lucille.
Did she really need to ask herself? Hadn’t she known from the moment she saw him again that nothing had changed…that despite her age and maturity she was no more proof against loving him now than she had been at sixteen?
The difference was that now she recognised the implausibility of that love being returned.
CHAPTER EIGHT
SOPHY and John were due to arrive at two, and after a telephone call from John to say that they were on their way Kate said quickly to Joss, ‘I think it might be a good idea if I wasn’t here. My presence will inhibit you both.’ She bit down hard on her bottom lip to stop it trembling. This was one of the hardest things she had ever done, but she owed it to both of them. They needed the opportunity to reach out to one another without being afraid of hurting her.
‘I’ll go and do some window-shopping.’
‘If that’s what you want,’ Joss told her harshly, his mouth compressing.
Surely he didn’t want her here? She had done what she had said, had broken the news to Sophy. He must surely
want now to be with her, without Kate hovering at their sides.
Instead of being grateful to her, though, he was behaving as though she had somehow betrayed him. She had thought that he would welcome the opportunity to get to know Sophy on his own. It seemed that she was wrong. He was standing with his back to her staring out of the window, his stance almost one of defeat.
‘Please stay, Kate,’ he begged gruffly, without looking at her. ‘I’m so damned scared I might say or do the wrong thing.’ He turned round, pushing irate fingers through his hair in a gesture of open uncertainty. ‘I need you to be here, Kate.’
He needed her…
‘We both need you to be here,’ he added quietly. ‘Don’t you see—you’re the only real link between us? The only bridge.’
‘But you’re her father.’
‘I’m a stranger,’ Joss contradicted her flatly, and in his face Kate read both pain and anger. Even though she knew she was not to blame for the fact that he had never known about Sophy until now, she found herself weakening. She wanted to be there. She wanted to be a part of what was happening and not excluded from it.
‘I’ve never been so damned scared in my life,’ Joss burst out unexpectedly. ‘What did you say when you told her, Kate? How did she react?’
She could hear the yearning in his voice and the force of her own jealousy shocked her. Jealous, of her own daughter. It was ridiculous.
She struggled to subdue her own feelings and responded quickly, ‘She was shocked, of course…but excited. She wants to see you very much.’
She watched as hope and wariness struggled for supremacy, watching the subtle shifting of expressions crossing her face, and impulsively she reached out and placed her hand on his arm, saying reassuringly, ‘She won’t reject you, Joss. Remember this is as difficult for her as it is for you.’
‘Not quite,’ he told her with a wry grimace. ‘She’s my child and I already love her. She may not feel the same way about me,’ he added bluntly. ‘Love isn’t always reciprocated.’