by CM Foss
“I never meant it that way…”
“But it sticks. It sticks, Jace, and I can’t forget it. It never leaves my mind, and every time it rings in my ears, I lose a little bit of confidence. A little bit of myself.” I looked down at my body, what was left of it. “I don’t have any more to give.”
His hands were limp at his sides, and pain was written all over his face. I needed that. I needed him to feel what I did.
“I’m sorry.” He blew out a breath and turned away, running his hands through his hair multiple times. He walked over to the fence line and leaned his forearms across the top board, looking out over the hills and trees. “God, I’m so sorry. I don’t really know how to do this, Tessa. You’ve always been someone I’ve looked after. I watched you grow up, and I can’t… I can’t just switch that off.”
“And I can’t be with someone who doesn’t respect me and my choices. You’re the one who taught me that, remember?”
I leaned on the fence beside him and he turned, taking me into his arms. The feel of his embrace made my heart pound and my chest tighten while the rest of me warmed to his touch and threatened to melt into him, to let him take care of me, just like he wanted to. But he wanted more than I was willing to give.
He tightened his grip, wrapping me into a full-body hug, burying us together.
“So this is it?” he whispered roughly into my hair. “You wanna give up before we even get started?”
I pulled back but he held me close, resting our foreheads together, his fingers tangled into my hair. “I don’t see another way out.”
Chapter 31
Four days later, I was racing again. I hadn’t heard from Jace, not that I’d really expected to or could think of anything to say if I did. But there was a part of me that hoped.
The upside was that, aside from deeply desiring a gallon of water, my mood had put a serious dent in my appetite, so my weight was relatively easy to make. I’d worked out in the morning in my rubber suit and spent a half hour in the box, sweating out any excess fluids. I hadn’t thrown up in days. I also had barely spoken to anyone outside the track, so there was a direct correlation.
In the jockey room, I pulled on my gear, then sat on the bench, ready to weigh in. A few bug girls were there as well, chatting about their plans once they got down south. It was their first time going to race, and their voices were filled with anticipation. I listened with one ear, trying not to be jealous of their excitement and their camaraderie, but also having no desire to join in on small talk.
Cooper walked in and smiled at me, plopping down on the bench with a sigh. “How you doing?”
“Super.”
She patted my thigh. “You missing being down those five pounds?” She jerked her head at the bug girls. “Just remember, if you get a little jealous, they’ll be in your shoes soon enough.”
I snorted and groaned at the same time. “Ha-ha.”
She just laughed. “Hey, I’m going down to Florida a week early, just to get a little chill time. Hang on the beach and give my body a break. You wanna come? I’m driving down on Monday.”
I bit down on my lip. It was so tempting, but I’d heard that I might get the ride back on Trouble, and I didn’t want to risk losing that. “I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. I’ll sit around and be jealous of you though, if that helps.”
“It totally does.” She stood and stretched. “Ride smart out there today.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Cooper walked out and silence descended upon the room. I realized the other girls had stopped talking and were staring at me.
“What?” I asked, my voice icy.
“You guys are friends?” one of them asked.
I shrugged. “Yeah. Pretty much.”
They exchanged glances. “Javier said she was bad news. Drugs, scripts, fighting.”
I bristled at the man’s name. “Yeah, well, Javi’s a dick. I wouldn’t listen to much that comes out of his mouth.”
“Still, it’s true. I asked around. She was banned for a while and everything.”
I thought about Cooper’s quiet demeanor, never judging but always encouraging, supportive but tough. In that moment I felt so much older than those girls, and my blood boiled over that jerk spreading rumors, true or not. “This is a tough business, girls. You just better hope that your fuckups never get spread around.”
I rode my four races on autopilot, winning two and placing on the others. It was great. It didn’t feel great, but it was. Drew was happy, the owners were happy. I was indifferent, my mind consumed with my shitty week and my discomfort over the jockey-room conversation.
My day might have been done, but there were two more races, one being Trouble’s, so I settled at the rail to watch. As much as I wanted to be the one on her back, I was anxious for her to do well regardless. She held the number one post position, and I knew she’d get antsy waiting in the gates. I’d tried to talk to Javier about it, but he’d brushed me off, unwilling to hear me out. That pissed me off too.
Drew sidled up beside me to watch and I glared at him.
“Still mad about this?” He gestured with his pencil toward the horses being ponied out.
“I’d like to stab you with that thing.” I snatched the pencil out of his hand. “That answer your question?”
“He’s a good jockey.”
“He’s an asshole.”
“So you keep saying. I’m trying to figure out why you think those are mutually exclusive things.”
“There are different categories of asshole-ism.”
He raised his dark, aristocratic eyebrows. “Really?”
“Take you, for example. You’re an asshole, but you’re intelligent and you care about people. Even horses. You’re more of a dick.”
“Thanks?”
“You’re welcome. I say it with all due respect.” I nodded toward the field. “He’s just an asshole. There’s no other descriptive term. The hole of an ass. Worst part.”
He shrugged. “That’s opinion.”
I snorted and elbowed him in the side, laughter overtaking me. The ridiculousness felt good until I saw the struggle going on in the gates. Trouble was causing a ruckus.
“He needs to let her back out. She’ll settle.”
“Let him do his job.”
I just rolled my eyes. Like I was stopping him.
The filly continued to jump up, throwing her head around. I wasn’t close enough to see everything, but she obviously wasn’t happy. When the bell rang and the gates clashed open, she stumbled as she lunged out, nearly dropping to her knees. She recovered but had lost significant ground. Stuck behind ten other horses, she was pelted in the face with dirt as she dug in to catch up.
I was yelling, albeit uselessly, for Javier to swing wide, get her out of there, and she’d be able to catch up. But he pushed on, looking like an idiot chasing a swarm of bees. As she got close to the hind end of another horse, she balked and swerved hard to the outside, nearly unseating Javier in the process. It was so simple to me, she just didn’t like dirt in her face. What girl did? He widened his reins, leading her back to the field, but it was easy to see that something wasn’t right. Her gait was no longer smooth and rhythmical but carried an odd beat to it. The horses hit the homestretch and collectively lengthened their strides. Trouble dug in, wanting to run now that dirt wasn’t in her face.
I looked over at Drew and grabbed his arm.
“He needs to pull up.”
“I know.” He nodded grimly.
“He’s not pulling up.”
Drew cursed under his breath as he watched the horses thunder toward the wire. Finally, some reason entered Javier’s head and he realized he had an issue. He stood high in his stirrups to pull the filly up, but the damage was done. I paid no attention to who won or anything else. I had my eyes on my girl, who was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed… and limping on her right front leg.
I knew, as well as anyone and probably better, that this sport has its risks. Peop
le get hurt, horses get hurt. Although, shit, I’ve seen them have worse accidents playing in a paddock. And I also know that it’s all too easy for a jockey to make a mistake. But the stupidity of Javier’s ego-driven moves had exacerbated anything that might or might not have happened without them. That I was sure of too.
Drew had stomped off to speak with Javier, and I watched the grooms take Trouble back to the barns with haste to meet up with the veterinarian, and fortunately she seemed to be walking better and not worse. I considered heading back there to get some information, but it wasn’t really my place. I’d horn in a little later when the smoke cleared.
However, I had zero problems interjecting myself between Drew and Javier, who were whispering harshly and trying not to draw attention.
“You’re a fuckup, Javi.” I marched past, shoulder-checking him as I went. He went so rigid when I knocked him that it actually bounced me backward.
“What did you say?” He grabbed my shirt and ground out the words into my ear. We were so close that I could feel the heat and steam coming off his skin.
I threw his hand off me. “You heard me. And you know it.”
“All I know is that filly is a piece of shit. I should have left the ride to you.”
“You’re right. You should have. Then she would have won instead of breaking down.”
“Nah.” He looked me up and down, nostrils flaring. “I just like to leave all the low-budget putas to themselves.” He spat the words, literally spat them.
Saliva hit my face and I lost my shit. Without even a second thought to where we were or who was watching, I pulled my arm back and slammed my fist into his nose.
His eyes widened in shock and pain, and he yelled out a string of Spanish curse words as his hands cupped his face, blood running through his fingers and pooling in his palms.
Drew was rendered mute, a first, I’m sure, and a hush fell over the crowd nearby. I should have felt sorry. I should have cared when the medics rushed over and the stewards showed up with grim faces. I should have cared more when my weeklong suspension was put in place.
Instead, I called Cooper and told her I needed a ride south.
Chapter 32
“Why didn’t we do this sooner?” I sighed and lay back on my towel, wriggling around to make a dent in the sand. A vodka and cranberry was dug in next to me, a straw poking out. That way I didn’t even have to sit up to drink. All I had to do was roll to the side a bit and suck.
Cooper adjusted the sunglasses on her face and propped herself up on her elbows. “I used to get suspended on purpose in the winters so I could come down here.”
I squinted over at her. “Really? That seems intense.”
“I’m not saying it was smart, or reasonable. But I did it.”
“Why didn’t you just move down here?”
“I had family in West Virginia. They depended on me, heavily. But when I needed a break, my excuse was to get called out, then I’d come down here to catch rides and take a few days off.”
“Had?”
“Yup.”
“So that’s why you left Charlestown?”
She shrugged. “It wasn’t my dream track. It’s harder there for a woman. It’s just a little tougher, a little more gritty, a few more elbows. Easy to get into a fight, into drugs.” She looked over her shoulder at me. “I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors.”
I sighed. “Yeah. I don’t really care though.”
She looked back over the lapping waves. “You should. At the very least, you should learn from me.”
“Like what?”
Her laugh was soft and mirthless. “Like what not to do.”
I sat up, holding my knees with my arms. “Teach me.”
“What you’ve been doing? Don’t do that anymore.”
I chuckled. “Yeah. That simple, huh?”
“Listen, I tried to juggle too much until I couldn’t anymore. My body was giving out. I started out with the best of intentions. I ate well, I worked out, I kept my head down and did my business, at the track and at home. But when everything stacked up and started to avalanche down…” She bit her lip and shook her head, lost in thought. “I sank. And then I hit the bottom. I hit the bottom and then people landed on top of me. If it weren’t for Drew…”
“Wait, what? Drew?” This was the first I’d heard of them knowing each other.
“Yeah.” She smiled. “I’ve known him forever. He heard what happened, you don’t even wanna know, and he stormed in, got me into a rehab center in Kentucky. Got me a job. All quietly enough that it was never a big deal. Except for Javier.”
I waved off her last comment. “He just loves spreading shit. Don’t worry about him.”
“Oh, I know. We were dating not long after I got here. Before I went to rehab.”
“Oh geez.” The shit-show…
“Exactly. It was clearly not smart on my part. For so many reasons. He’s not entirely unjustified in his hatred of me.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Yours isn’t either.”
She held out a fist and we bumped knuckles.
“Thing is, Tessa, you’re heading down precisely the same path. You better find another one before it starts running downhill.”
“Is it even possible?”
“Anything is. What are you speaking of, specifically?”
“The weight, for one. Long term. And then… can I have friends and family and a… a boyfriend, all at the same time?” I still stumbled over that stupid word. One, because it was stupid, and two, because Jace.
“Of course you can. But you have to be smart about it. You have to stand your ground and set your limits. But first you need to know what those limits are. Those you need to find on your own.”
I chewed on my fingernail for a long while, contemplating but getting nowhere.
“What’s your goal?” she asked, her voice startling me out of my thoughts. “Your ultimate goal.”
“I want to train, actually. I don’t want to ride races forever. But I want to ride in some big races. I really want to win some big races. I want those experiences and accolades behind my name before I retire from riding.”
“That’s great, Tessa. Really great. And you know what?”
“What?”
“You have time.”
Her words gave me pause.
“You do,” she continued. “You have more time than you know. You don’t have to ride with no breaks. If you get hurt, you can take the time to heal. If you get burnt out, take the time to rejuvenate. When you get back, there’ll still be horses to ride and races to run. There’s no shortage of saddles.”
I nodded, tracing pictures in the sand, then stood to adjust my suit. “Wanna go in?” I pointed at the warm, turquoise waters.
“I’ll go in with you if you promise to think about what I said.”
“I promise.”
“And take a few weeks off this winter.”
I laughed and held up a hand. “Let me stick with the first promise for now. But I will think about it.” We shook on it. “Hey, you know what’s weird and creepy?”
“What’s that?”
“Well, we both clearly have the same faults when it comes to our lifestyle, that we know. But apparently we have the same weaknesses in men too.”
She gave me a questioning look.
“Javier and Drew. Just remind me never to introduce you to Jace.” The thought of him with anyone else made my stomach hurt.
“Oh, I’ve never been with Drew.” She laughed it off, but her cheeks flushed, not that it was hard for the redhead. “I’m sure Jace is safe with you.”
“Well, he’s not with me anymore.”
“If it’s the right thing, it’ll all work out in the end. Remember, you still have plenty of time.”
I nodded as we waded into the waters, and even though I was eager to dive in, I stopped for just a moment. “You know, you do too.”
Chapter 33
“Okay, you ready for jockey boot camp?”
I groaned and pressed a pillow over my head as Cooper bounced into my room, dressed and ready to run. “No. Go away.”
“No. That defeats the purpose.”
“Just press down on this pillow for me,” I mumbled. “Put me out of my misery.”
She snorted and ripped it from my face, tossing it onto the floor. I glared at her with one eye open. She was almost giddy. “Come on.” She clapped her hands. “Beachside running. It doesn’t get any better.”
“It probably does. Somewhere else. Later.”
She ripped my covers off next, and I squeaked and curled into a ball. “Dude! I’m naked.”
“I can see that. It’s nothing I don’t have, so get to gettin’!”
She jogged out of my room, singing to a tune residing only in her own head. If she was that energetic and happy at five in the morning, then I’d really better listen to her and follow her plan.
I swung out of bed and checked my phone. Something I never used to do until lately. Because lately I’d been waiting for him to call, text, communicate. Anything.
Not that I’d given him any reason to. Not that I’d taken the first step. But because he was all I thought about, and I still hoped he felt the same way. And that one day he wouldn’t be able to help himself anymore.
Cooper poked her head back in.
“Dude! I’m still naked.” I held a shirt in front of me.
“If you were actually hurrying, you wouldn’t be. Come on or we’ll miss the sunrise.”
“I see sunrises all the time.”
“Then you should know how glorious they are.”
I rolled my eyes but hurriedly pulled my clothes on, mostly for fear of her walking back in on me.
We walked down to the boardwalk and, after a quick stretch, began a slow jog that increased in pace as we warmed up. The sky lightened with each mile, and Cooper found a pier and led us to the end of it to sit and watch the sun rise over the water. She was right, it was glorious.