by Niles, Naomi
“He didn’t say he was sorry,” Talen pointed out.
“He did.”
“Not to the nurse,” Talen said.
I had realized that, too. “Oh, look,” I said, because I hadn’t known what to say. “There’s Peter. Let’s go home.”
“Yo, Alan!”
“Huh, what?” I said, responding to Langdon’s hand waving in front of my face.
“Where were you?”
“Oh… I was just thinking,” I said evasively.
Langdon winked at me. “About Jessica?”
“No, not about Jessica actually,” I said thoughtfully. “I was just thinking about people… and about how they get mean when they’re scared.”
Langdon raised his eyebrows. “Whoa… that’s some deep shit right there. Why are you even thinking about that?”
“Just… followed a train of thought,” I said with a shrug.
“Well, the next time that happens… jump the fuck off that train,” Langdon said pointedly. “Life’s complicated enough without you actively thinking about deep shit.”
I laughed. “I’ll remember that.”
We spent the next two hours lifting weights. When we were done, I grabbed my hand towel and walked through to the locker to change into my trunks for the swimming portion of the evening when I noticed Jessica stretching behind a glass partition. The rest of the girls had moved on, and Jessica was the last one stretching.
I don’t know why I did it. I suppose I just wanted to make her smile. I moved closer to the glass and breathed on it. When it was nice and smoky I wrote rock on the glass. Her puzzled expression cleared, and she smiled and shook her head at me. I waved goodbye and moved on, but I was aware of eyes on my back. When I glanced around, I saw Patrick staring at me.
I knew I had to be careful with him. He was watching me carefully, too carefully for my liking. I recalled that moment in the hospital with my father. There was a thread of familiarity that ran there. Patrick was scared, and scared people lashed out.
Chapter Twelve
Jessica
“Ahhh…” Winnie breathed, sinking down to her feet. “It feels good to just sit for a moment. That swim session was a killer.”
“It was,” I said as I joined her. “My muscles are aching.”
“It feels like the sleep I get isn’t enough to compensate for this kind of work out,” Winnie complained. “We really should get to sleep in at least two days of the week.”
I smiled. “At least you know why this kind of training only lasts three months or so.”
“Lord, if it lasted any longer, there’d be like three people competing in the Olympic games total,” Winnie sighed. “I think I’m going to close my eyes and be quiet for a while.”
I smiled, mostly because I knew Winnie well enough now to know that she wouldn’t stay quiet for long. Just as I had suspected, five minutes later her eyes opened and she looked animated once more. “I might convince the girls to have a movie marathon soon… you should join us.”
“Oh, that sounds like fun,” I replied. “I just don’t know if I’ll be able to make it.”
Winnie wrinkled her brows at me. “I haven’t even given you a date?”
“I know.” I nodded. “It’s not about the date though.”
“Then what is it about?” Winnie asked.
I felt safe enough to share certain things with Winnie, but I was still embarrassed about a few things. “I’m just so tired after training. I don’t know if I’ll have the energy to watch a bunch of movies and then drive home.”
“Then don’t,” Winnie said with a shrug. “You can always sleep over at the house. Coach did assign you a room just in case.”
“Yeah… I’ll have to run it by my parents first,” I said, forcing out the words. I sounded like a twelve-year-old child. Winnie didn’t comment on that directly. Instead, she fixed me with a curious look. “What do your parents do, Jessica?”
“My dad’s a lawyer,” I replied. “He’s worked on some prominent cases over the last decade. And my mother… well, she was a stay-at-home mom while I was growing up, but after my training kicked up a notch she started to do some volunteer work at different places.”
“Dad’s a lawyer, huh?” Winnie mused. “Any cases I might have heard of?”
“They would have been on the local news,” I said with a shrug. “I guess the most famous case he handled was the Lisa Cross case. That was about seven years ago.”
“Lisa Cross,” Winnie repeated. “Sounds familiar.”
“My dad was prosecuting,” I replied. “Bronco Stein was charged with first-degree manslaughter in the death of Lisa Cross.”
“That’s right.” Winnie nodded. “I’d forgotten. As I remember, he was found guilty, wasn’t he?”
“He was.”
“Wow,” Winnie whistled. “What was life like growing up with a prosecutor for a father?”
“To be honest, Dad’s profession was never the center of attention in our house,” I said. “Mine always took the focus.”
“I take it your parents are involved.”
I let out a deep breath. “You have no idea… they’re a little too involved, in my opinion.”
“Oh?” Winnie asked, spurring me on.
“Don’t get me wrong,” I said quickly. “They’re really supportive, and they always have been. It’s just that… my dad especially… he expects my focus to revolve around swimming and nothing else. That’s one of the reasons I don’t have much of a social life outside of swimming. That and the overbearing protectiveness.”
“Wait so… just how protective is your father?” Winnie asked.
I had told her the truth so far, and I didn’t feel it would do any good to lie now. Plus, it felt nice to talk to someone about this. It felt nice to have someone understand and sympathies.
“Extremely,” I admitted. “When I was in high school, I was only allowed to go to parties where there was parental supervision and even then, I had to leave by eleven. I wasn’t allowed to date till I was eighteen, and smoking and drinking were definitely off the table entirely.”
“Okay, hold on. I need to know what we’re dealing with,” Winnie said, shaking her head as though she was trying to clear it. “I’m going to ask you a few questions.”
“Okay…?” I said a little nervously.
“Have you ever stayed past midnight at a party?”
“No.”
“Have you ever tasted alcohol?”
“Just wine and champagne… at special occasions.”
“Have you ever gotten drunk?”
“No.”
“Have you ever smoked?”
“No.”
“How old were you when you first kissed a boy?”
“Twenty.”
Winnie stopped for a moment and raised her eyebrows. “You were twenty?”
“Yes.”
“This is more serious than I thought,” Winnie said teasingly, but she said it in a way that made me smile. I didn’t feel like I was being judged. I felt more like Winnie was my therapist, and I was in desperate need of some outside help.
“Who was the guy?”
“The first guy I kissed?” I clarified.
“Yes.”
“His name was David,” I replied. “He was on my swim team at the time. We were both in training.”
“And what happened to David?”
“He quit several months later, so he never made it to the Olympics.”
Winnie nodded. “How many boys have you kissed in total?”
“Three,” I said. “I guess.”
“You guess?” Winnie said pointedly.
“Well… one kiss was sort of… unexpected,” I replied. “He kissed me on a dare… it lasted like three seconds. Does that count?”
“Umm… no,” Winnie replied.
“Okay… then I guess I’ve only kissed two guys.”
“How many dates have you been on?” Winnie continued.
“A few,” I said. “B
ut they weren’t great successes in my opinion. I was always back home by eleven-thirty at the latest, and I don’t think I ever had a third date with anyone.”
“Have you ever had a boyfriend?”
“Not really.” I shook my head.
“Have you ever given a blowjob?”
I felt a blush come up on my cheeks, and I tried hard to control it. “Umm… yeah. With David.”
“And… how did it go?” Winnie asked curiously.
“I think he liked it,” I replied. “He orgasmed pretty fast.”
“Hmm… inexperienced,” Winnie said, as though she were making a professional assessment. “What was the sex like with him?”
The blush I was trying to suppress came up with full force, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to tame it at this point. I gave up and decided to throw caution to the wind. “I’m a virgin,” I admitted.
Winnie stared at me for a few moments; her large eyes blinked at me in confusion. “Can you say that again?”
I groaned. “Don’t make me say it again.”
“Fuck!”
“Sssshh!” I said, putting a finger to my lips. “Everyone will hear.”
“No one’s going to hear,” Winnie said calmly. “In any case, no one’s going to believe this. Are you sure?”
I rolled my eyes. “I think I would remember having sex with someone.”
“Fair point.” Winnie nodded. “Fuck… this is terrible.”
“I’m a freak,” I sighed. “I know.”
“Whoa, hold on,” Winnie said in a measured voice. “You’re not a freak…”
“You should see the look on your face,” I pointed out. “You look disgusted.”
“Sure.” Winnie nodded. “But I’m not disgusted with you. I’m disgusted with your parents. They might as well have locked you in a cage and fed you scraps from the table. They’ve made it pretty hard for you to have a life outside of swimming.”
I wanted to defend them, but somehow, I couldn’t. I realized suddenly that a part of me completely agreed with Winnie.
“Fate has brought me to you,” Winnie said in an ominous voice. “I’m going to help you out here.”
“How?” I asked.
“With my experience, my wisdom, and my encouragement,” Winnie said confidently. “You’ve been deprived of freedom your whole life. It’s time you fought for it now.”
“But…”
“Listen to me, Jessica. Your parents aren’t just going to loosen the reins… you’re going to have to fight for yourself. You’re not a child anymore. You’re a twenty-three-year-old woman. The Olympics are important and your achievements are, too, but I guarantee you this: all the gold medals in the world aren’t going to keep you warm at night. The only thing that can do that is the carnal pleasure of a man’s naked body lying next to yours.”
“I… don’t know if I can do that,” I said honestly.
“Have sex with a man?”
“Go against my parents,” I corrected. “That takes a streak of rebelliousness that I just don’t have.”
“Bull,” Winnie said fiercely. “That’s just something you tell yourself to get out of doing the work. You need to believe that you can rebel… and the rest will come.”
“Winnie,” I said carefully. “I’m here to train. I can’t afford to get side tracked with… other stuff.”
“I’m not telling you to get side tracked,” Winnie said. “I’m just telling you to make use of what’s right in front of you.”
“What’s right in front of me?”
Winnie looked at me as though I was daft. “Alan,” she said pointedly.
“What?”
“Alan Burbank,” Winnie repeated slowly. “He’s the perfect person to kick start your new rebellious streak.”
“Winnie…”
“You like him, don’t you?”
“I… of course.”
“You’re attracted to him, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve fantasized about him, haven’t you?”
“No.”
“Liar!”
“Fine,” I sighed in defeat. “I’ve fantasized a little bit.”
“See, that’s the problem,” Winnie said pointedly. “You’ve grown up in a household that’s repressed you, a household that’s made you feel like your desires and fantasies are shameful in some way. They’re not; you need to let go of that mentality and embrace your freedom.”
“And how exactly do I do that?” I asked.
Winnie smiled at me conspiratorially. “You need to start breaking the rules.”
I sighed. “That sounds dangerous.”
“But so worth it,” Winnie said. “Trust me, Jessica. You haven’t experienced true freedom until you’ve had an orgasm. It is truly the best feeling in the world, and I think Alan is the perfect person to introduce you to the world of carnal pleasure.”
“I’m not going to sleep with him, Winnie.”
“Maybe not just yet,” Winnie agreed. “But eventually.”
“Winnie.”
“Don’t you want to lose your virginity?”
“Of course, I do!”
“Then what’s holding you back?”
“Girls!” Coach’s voice echoed through the space and interrupted our in-depth discussion. “Come on, I need to start timing your laps.”
“Give us a minute, Coach,” Winnie replied.
“Now!” Coach responded.
“Geez,” Winnie sighed as she pushed herself to her feet. “I guess our therapy session is over for today. Just think about everything I’ve said, okay?”
“I will.” I knew that I probably wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about everything Winnie had said.
Winnie left me where I was and moved back to the pool to start her laps. I was clearing up my stuff when I saw Alan pass by my window. He was wearing shorts and nothing else. His body was lean, ripped, and beautifully toned. I turned my gaze away before he could notice me staring.
Then I walked to the glass, breathed on it, and wrote paper in the fog of my breath.
He smiled and rolled his eyes at me before he mouthed, “You always win.”
I nodded, waved, and walked away from him. It was a silly game, but it had become our thing over the last week. Winnie was right. I did fantasize about Alan, but it was about more than just sex. Sometimes my fantasies didn’t involve sex at all. Sometimes he was just holding me, and I was basking in the heat of his embrace.
I tried to shake his image from my thoughts, but that was becoming impossible to do. “Focus,” I told myself under my breath, and instantly the image of Alan gave way to one of my father.
“Focus, Jessica,” my father’s gruff voice sounded in my head. “It’s now or never.”
I knew that I couldn’t lose focus on the real reason I was here. It may have been my father’s dream to see me win gold, but it was my dream, too. Should I really compromise that goal for a guy… even if he happened to be exceptionally handsome?
“Focus, Jessica,” I told myself sternly. “There’s only one reason you’re here… and that’s to take home gold.”
Chapter Thirteen
Alan
We had made it through the first month of training, but the fatigue was starting to show. And no one was having a harder time of it than Langdon.
“Haven’t they heard that all work and no play makes for a bunch of full athletes?” Langdon demanded. He was floating around in the pool while Coach ran drills with a few of the guys on the other side.
“Somehow, I don’t think they care,” I told him, jumping into the pool.
“They should,” Langdon said fiercely. “This rat race is going to make me a less effective swimmer.”
“Then how come your swim times have improved compared to three weeks ago?”
Langdon shot me an irritated look. “I’m starting to feel mentally unhinged.”
I laughed. “Langdon, I hate to break it to you, but you were always mentally unhinged. You j
ust never noticed.”
“Fuck you,” Langdon shot back, shoving water in my face. “I need to have some fun!”
“You are such a baby,” I said, rolling my eyes at him. “I honestly have no idea how you got this far as an athlete.”
“You know, sometimes I have no idea myself,” Langdon said thoughtfully. “I think I just assumed that if I became an Olympic athlete, I’d have my pick of women.”
“Dear God,” I said. “That actually sounds like reasoning that would have convinced you to become a swimmer.”
Langdon winked at me. “It was an excellent strategy.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said, humoring him. “Kudos for your forward thinking.”
“Langdon!” Coach yelled from across the pool. “Alan! Get your butts over here.”
“Fucking hell,” Langdon sighed. “Time to burn off all those calories I consumed at lunch.”
We swam to the other side of the pool and readied ourselves for the practice relays. So far, the strongest relay team was comprised of Langdon, Patrick, Kenneth, and myself. Louis had very nearly beaten Langdon out for the last place on the relay team, but Langdon’s speed had earned him the last spot.
If Langdon and Louis were to race, everyone knew that Louis would take the win. Langdon had a great starting speed, but he didn’t have the stamina to sustain it. But given the shortened times in a relay, Langdon didn’t need to rely on stamina, which was why he managed to edge out Louis in the end.
We went through several different drills, breathing exercises, and individual swimming laps before we started on the practice relays. By the end of the hour, all four of us were panting and exhausted.
“How did I do, Coach?” Patrick asked. “What was my time?"
I rolled my eyes at his questions. It was typical of Patrick to focus only on his time, as though he were the only one involved in the swim.
“This was a relay, Patrick,” Coach replied. “Your individual time doesn’t count for shit if the average is low.”
“Who tripped us up?” Patrick asked next.
Coach sighed in frustration. “Patrick, this is a relay. You work as a team.”
Patrick’s face soured, and he turned his gaze on Langdon. “Your speed gave way during the final leg.”
“Did you not hear what Coach just said?” I demanded.