by Niles, Naomi
I looked around for Jessica but I couldn’t find her in the crowd. I was ushered to my post by Coach, who looked nervous and excited at the same time.
“Okay, kid,” he said, his voice low with purpose. “You know what to do.”
“I do.” I nodded.
“You’re here because you’re the best swimmer I have,” Coach continued. “Stay focused, keep your head in the game, and you can win this. You can win this whole damn thing.”
“I hear you, Coach,” I said. “And I’m not going to give in without a fight.”
“That’s my boy,” Coach said, patting me on the back.
His words sent a chill through me. They were my father’s words. Back when he was still with us, I had heard him use that phrase a thousand times over, to all my brothers and me. Those words kindled the fire burning inside me and reminded me that even though my father was gone, his memory remained, and I was always going to have that. That was something that was mine alone and it would never die nor would it fade. He was still with me in that sense, and I was going to draw as much strength from that thought as I possibly could.
I would have loved to see Jessica before the race but the announcement was made and I found myself heading to the diving podium. I would see her afterward. William Kwan from Japan was standing next to me, adjusting his goggles when I approached.
“Good luck,” I said to him, stretching out my hand.
“And to you,” he said, shaking my hand and nodding.
We took our places and readied our bodies for the whistle. The moment I shifted my stance and looked down at the water, I could see nothing else. My mind was in the water and I remembered that fateful moment at six when I had believed it was going to kill me. That fear was gone; I had conquered it and now the water no longer seemed treacherous to me. It had transformed into something else entirely. It had transformed into something comfortable, familiar, and friendly. It had turned from my greatest fear to my greatest strength and my father’s encouragement was at the helm of that achievement.
As those thoughts were circling in my head, the whistle sounded and I dove without hesitation. The moment the water hit my body, it was as though an old friend was greeting me home. My body opened out, and I understood the strength I possessed in that moment. I had all the power here. I had the power to bend and turn and navigate and push through. And I was going to do just that. I wasn’t just going to do this… I was going to win.
The moment I pulled out of the water and tapped out, sound flooded back to my ears and the massive stadium was once again alive with sound and color. I was no longer ensconced in the comforting calmness of the underwater world, and that was okay, too. I looked around for Coach and moments later he materialized in front of me as I got out of the water.
“How’d I do?” I asked immediately.
He was smiling from ear to ear and it was the biggest smile I had ever seen on him. “You’re qualified. You’re in the finals!”
I felt a burst of pride in myself as Coach patted me on the back and sent me in the direction of my fans. I remembered the first time I had approached fans at my first ever Olympics games. There had been a fraction of the number that was here now and only two people had even known my name. Now there was a throng and they all chanted for me.
I went through the lines, shaking hands, accepting congratulations, and taking selfies with everyone who stuck their phones and cameras in my face.
“You were amazing!” a middle-aged woman in a USA t-shirt said in my ear.
“Thank you so much,” I replied.
“There is no one who can beat you!” a young woman with blonde hair practically screamed.
I laughed. “I’m sure there are a few… but thanks for your support.”
I spent an hour with them and then I found Langdon in the stands. “Congrats, man!” he said, giving me a hug. “You did it!”
“Thanks.” I smiled.
“Where were you?”
“With the fans,” I replied.
“I should have guessed,” Langdon laughed. “The women’s quarterfinal is about to start.”
“Did you manage to get that sign for me?” I asked.
“I almost missed your race because of it,” Langdon griped as he passed it over.
It wasn’t the largest sign in the world, but I was confident Jessica would see it. The women’s quarterfinal was announced, and I watched as the competitors emerged from the tunnel. Jessica was the fifth person to appear. Her hair was hidden from view but her eyes shone with excitement as she took in the crowd. She looked amazing, strong, like a professional athlete. My heart sang with pride as I watched her approach the pool.
“Jessica!” Langdon yelled.
“No,” I said. “She needs to concentrate now… we can catch her attention after the race.”
She took her place and then moments later, the whistle rang through the stadium. Cheers went up through the crowd and I found myself screaming along with the best of them. Jessica was a fantastic swimmer. She barely displaced any water and she swam as though she had been born to it. It was mesmerizing to watch her swim; it looked like an art form when she did it, and I could only hope I looked half as graceful and confident as she did.
“Damn,” Langdon whistled. “She’s good.”
“She’s going to win this!” I said through gritted teeth.
And twenty seconds later, she did win it. She came up for air and her face was bright and exhilarated. I could see her eyes searching, too, trying to determine if she had qualified or not. Her coach approached her and then Jessica’s face lit up in a smile that took my breath away.
“Now can I shout?” Langdon demanded.
I laughed. “Shout away.” I held up the sign.
After the third shout, Jessica looked in our general direction and caught sight of Langdon and me and the sign I was holding up.
You are my rock.
She blew me a kiss and I cheered along with the rest of the world. That night, Jessica and I celebrated with a romantic dinner in one of our hotel’s four five-star restaurants. Afterward, we walked back to Jessica’s room and undressed each other. It wasn’t about sex; it was about intimacy and that was something new to me, too. I had never really experienced that with another woman.
Winnie was spending the night with Langdon so that Jessica and I could wake up together. We lay in bed, enjoying the comfort of one another’s bodies, but I could tell that Jessica’s thoughts were somewhere else.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m fine,” she whispered.
“Okay,” I said, not wanting to push her. “My brothers called before dinner. They wanted me to convey their congratulations to you on your win. They said it was epic.”
Jessica laughed distractedly. “Tell them I said thanks… it was nice of them to call.” She fell silent for a moment, and I could tell she was still thinking about whatever it was that had her so preoccupied. “My father didn’t call,” she sighed after a long moment of silence.
I kissed the top of her head because I wasn’t sure what to say. I tried to suppress my own annoyance at her father and focus only on Jessica and what she needed to hear.
“I know he’s disappointed in me,” Jessica sighed. “But… I didn’t expect it to last this long. He’s always been there to support me at the Olympics.”
“I’m sure he still supports you,” I said. “He’s just being stubborn.”
“Yeah.” Jessica’s eyes were far away. Then she straightened up suddenly and reached for her bedside table drawer. From inside, she pulled out a four-by-four picture and handed it to me. “That’s Mom and Dad. We took that picture right before I left to compete in the 2012 Olympic games.”
I looked at her picture. She was standing between her parents. They were both holding onto her as though she were a prize. Her father was a tall, heavyset man with dark hair and eyes that were as green as Jessica’s. Her mother was a small woman with dark, kind eyes, and dirty-blonde hair that
she had passed on to her daughter.
“You look happy,” I observed.
“I thought I was happy,” Jessica replied. “But I was always just chasing happiness. I was never truly happy because I was never really in control of my own life.”
“You are now,” I reminded her.
“But my father isn’t here,” Jessica said softly. “He’s not by my side anymore. I just can’t believe that his pride is more important to him than I am.”
I pulled her closer to me and kissed the top of her head. “I know it’s not the same thing but… for what it’s worth… you have me.”
“I know.” Jessica smiled. “That is what’s keeping me going through all this.”
“Jessica?”
“Hmm?”
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” I admitted quietly into her ear.
She smiled softly and kissed my chest. “I think I’m falling in love with you, too.”
Our words had the seal of a promise on them, and with that in mind, we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Jessica
I woke up the next day with last night’s conversation still playing in my head. I felt the disappointment of knowing my father wasn’t going to be in the stands today cheering me on. I felt the sadness of knowing my mother, as much as she had supported me through the last few weeks, would not come to Rio without Dad. But most of all, I felt the elation and contentment of knowing that I was waking up in Alan’s arms.
Our conversation from the night before came back to me and I heard him say the words again. “I know it’s not the same thing but… for what it’s worth… you have me.”
Those words had meant more to me than he would ever know. It meant a lot because they came from him but it meant something because it came from a place of sincerity. He didn’t want something in return for his affection or his support. He didn’t have any expectations of me. He didn’t need me to be a certain way. I was myself and he wanted me anyway.
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” he had told me last night, just before we had fallen asleep in each other’s arms.
“I think I’m falling in love with you, too,” I had replied.
But as I wiped the sleep from my eyes and stared down at his fluttering eyelashes, I was forced to admit to myself that I had lied to him.
“I’m already in love with you,” I whispered, stroking his cheek with the back of my hand. He sighed in response, as though he had heard me.
I slipped out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom, where I hopped into the shower. I was tempted to wake Alan up and engage in a little early-morning, extracurricular activity, but I knew he would need all his strength for the finals today and I didn’t want to be a distraction. Once I had finished my shower, I wiped myself dry, slipped on new underwear, and chose a strapless, canary-yellow dress that somewhat resembled my mood. I left my hair loose around my shoulders and walked into the bedroom just in time to watch Alan stretch awake.
“Hi,” he said, squinting at me with a smile. “You’re up early.”
“I slept well,” I said, bending down and giving him a quick kiss on the lips. “How about we go down for some breakfast?”
“Sounds great.” Alan got out of bed.
Once he was dressed, we headed downstairs to one of the hotel’s two breakfast restaurants. This one overlooked the beautiful forests and rivers of Rio and every now and again we could see a few colorful birds take flight. We ordered our breakfast and then sat by the balcony, enjoying the view and basking in one another’s company.
“Do you get nervous before finals?” I asked.
“Usually,” Alan admitted. “But not today.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” Alan shook his head. “Maybe you’re my good luck charm.”
“That’s a lot of pressure.”
“Only if you don’t believe it,” Alan smiled.
“I’m so proud of you,” I told Alan. “I can only imagine what your brothers must feel like.”
“They’re a great support system,” Alan agreed. “But sometimes…”
“Yes?”
“No… never mind.”
“You can tell me anything, Alan,” I said gently, taking his hand.
He gave a deep sigh. “I just… sometimes I wish my dad had been alive to see this. I mean… he would have been over the moon for me. I love my brothers, but…”
“They’re still not your father,” I finished for him. “Hey, I get it. You never stop needing your parents, no matter how old you are.”
Alan nodded. “It’s nice to be able to talk to someone about all this. I never really had anyone like that before.”
“Well, I’m glad to be of service,” I said, tipping my imaginary hat to him.
After we finished our breakfast, Alan kissed me goodbye and headed for the stadium to warm up for his final in a few hours. I had plans to meet Winnie in the lounge room, which was essentially a huge, sprawling space with comfy seats, books and a few games for guests to rent out. Winnie was winking at random passersby when I found her.
“What are you doing?” I laughed.
“Just having a little fun,” she said, throwing her wink in my direction.
“Aren’t you and Langdon an item?” I asked.
“Not officially.” Winnie shook her head. “And until he wants to make it official, I’m a free agent.”
“Does he know that?”
“He knows me,” Winnie said pointedly.
“Fair enough.” I nodded.
“So… how are things going with you and lover boy?” Winnie asked, wagging her eyebrows at me. “Did you two get in a good thorough work out last night?”
I laughed. “No. Yesterday was just about being together without sex.”
“Is there such a thing?” Winnie demanded.
“He has finals today. He needs his energy.”
“Please,” Winnie said, rolling her eyes at me. “I’ve never heard anything so trite. In my opinion, sex can do nothing but help his performance.”
“Is that your professional opinion?” I asked seriously.
“It is.”
I shook my head at her. Winnie was still Winnie at the end of the day, and there was nothing she valued more than one’s sexuality. I was struck by how much I owed her. Not only had she helped me out of my box, but she had given me the courage to become someone a little more rebellious, someone who could take charge of her own life.
“I never did thank you properly,” I said, spurred on by sentiment.
“Thank me?” Winnie asked in confusion. “For what?”
“For all you’ve done,” I said. “You heard my story and you never once judged me for it. You just tried to help me find my feet. I wouldn’t be this happy today if it weren’t for you.”
Winnie looked shocked by the rush of sentiment I was throwing at her. But I could also see that she was touched by my words. She just didn’t want to show it. She averted her gaze a little to hide her embarrassment and waved away my thank you.
“You don’t have to do a whole speech, Jess.” She smiled, still not meeting my eye. “A nice little sports car will do the trick.”
I laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind for your next birthday.”
“So… I take it you and Alan are head over heels for one another?”
“Well, I’m definitely head over heels in love with him,” I admitted. “I can’t speak for him though.”
“Please, all you have to do is look at the guy to know where he stands,” Winnie said. “Trust me, I’ve been with enough men to know that this guy is seriously into you. And I don’t think you’ll be able to shake him easily.”
“Good,” I said. “Because I don’t want to.”
“Hmm…” Winnie said suddenly, as her nose wrinkled up a bit.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing… just a passing thought.”
“Care to pass it my way?” I pre
ssed.
“I was just thinking… if you actually end up with Alan… then that means you’ll only ever have been with one guy your entire life.”
I laughed. “Now I understand the face.”
“It sounds criminal.”
“It’s sounds pretty great to me,” I said honestly.
“You’re telling me you’d be happy to sleep with Alan for the rest of your life?” Winnie asked teasingly. “Without sampling any of the other fine wares that this world has to offer?”
I shook my head at Winnie. “You are too much.”
“You are such a weirdo.”
“I know.” I smiled, and for once, I was actually okay with that.
An hour later, we left the hotel for the stadium. We arrived about forty minutes before Alan’s final was scheduled and found seats in one of the front rows that were reserved for Olympic competitors. Langdon stood by the benches next to their coach and a bunch of the other guys from their team. Alan would be the only American competing in the two-hundred-meter freestyle and the energy in the room was electric.
Before I knew it, the hundred-meter freestyle was announced and I craned my head in the direction of the tunnel, hoping to see Alan emerge. He was one of the last swimmers to appear, and he looked completely focused and ready. His body looked like it was made up of pure sinew and hard muscle, like he could have been carved out of stone. His broad shoulders had me weak in the knees and a strange possessive pride overtook me. I was the only girl in the world who could say she had spent the night with Olympic athlete, Alan Burbank.
“Damn,” Winnie gasped. “Alan looks fine.”
“He does,” I said in complete agreement.
I held my breath as the swimmers took their positions, but the moment the whistle sounded and they dove, my breathing racketing up ten times over. I could hear Winnie screaming beside me but I couldn’t muster up the energy required to scream, too. I just clasped my hands together, kept my eyes firmly fixed on Alan’s position and prayed to God that he would win this.