by Niles, Naomi
“What would you suggest I do?” I asked in irritation.
“Talk to Lizzie,” Tyler said. “And find out for yourself.”
I looked at Maddie and I softened my tone. “I get that you can’t tell me too much … but can you at least tell me if Lizzie’s seeing some … doctor?”
Maddie looked unbelievably uncomfortable and I knew it was unfair of me to push her but I couldn’t help it. “She was seeing someone,” she said with some hesitation. “I don’t know that she’s seeing him anymore though.”
“But he could be the father?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” Maddie said helplessly.
“You don’t know?” I repeated.
“No I don’t,” Maddie said firmly. “He very well could be but I just don’t know. The only one who knows for sure is Lizzie and she hasn’t been very talkative these past few months.”
“Fuck!” I all but yelled. “I’ve got to talk to Lizzie.”
“Fine, talk to Lizzie,” Maddie said quickly. “But Dylan, be calm, be sensitive, and be kind ok? She’s going through a lot right now and she’s going to need some understanding.”
I took a deep breath. “Of course,” I nodded.
Immediately after I left the house, I jumped on my motorcycle and turned in the direction of Lizzie’s apartment. I had to find out, one way or the other, whose baby she was carrying.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Elizabeth
I had just managed to find a comfortable position on the couch and I sunk down into it, enjoying the silence of my apartment, pierced only by Elvis’s occasional meows. I had switched off my cell phone and taken the phone of the receiver so that I could have a few minutes to myself.
My pregnancy had somehow released a bout of creative energy and I found myself not only eager to play music but also to write some arrangements as well. I had a sheath of papers lying on the table beside me and I glanced over at my notes. I had just finished practicing some of the music I had written last week and it didn’t sound half-bad. I could hear the melody in my head and I realized that the silence was pushing me forward and releasing all these ideas in my head.
A sharp rap on my door broke the beautiful silence and I wrinkled my eyebrows together knowing that Maddie was with Tyler today and mom was working. I got up and walked to the door. Again there was another knock and I opened the door without checking who it was. I found myself staring into Dylan’s intoxicating, blue eyes.
“Dylan,” I stammered.
“Hi, Lizzie,” he said and for a moment I wondered if he knew. But then his face relaxed. “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” I said taking a deep breath. “Really good actually.”
“That’s good to hear,” he said.
“I heard you’re in town for a few weeks,” I said trying to figure out a million different things at the same time.
“Yes,” he nodded. “I came in a few days ago. I’ve been wanting to call you up for ages now, but …”
“But?”
“I don’t know,” he said with a shrug. “I guess I didn’t want to disrupt your life.”
I just looked at him, trying not to lose myself to those eyes. I felt that if I did, my mouth would break open and all my secrets would start spilling out.
Dylan took a deep breath and he looked like he was going to ask me a big question. I tensed slightly and waited. “Would you like to go get some ice cream?” he asked unexpectedly and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Ice cream?” I repeated.
“Yeah, what say you?”
I smiled and nodded. “Sure,” I said knowing that turning him down would mean a longer conversation and a painful explanation. “I can spare some time now.”
“Great,” he said and he waited till I got my jacket and met him outside. I paused slightly when I saw his motorbike but I didn’t hesitate. “Where’s the spare helmet?” I asked, extending my hand out.
“Umm … if you’re uncomfortable with riding the bike I can always borrow Tyler’s Jeep,” Dylan said unexpectedly and I grew instantly suspicious. He had never asked me that question before and it made me wonder if he knew and he was simply trying to suss out the truth for himself.
“Why would I be uncomfortable?” I asked with raised eyebrows.
“No reason,” he mumbled as he handed me the helmet.
We got to the Pink Scooper in twenty minutes and I got off the bike and shook down my hair. “Why were you driving so slow?” I asked.
He shrugged. “I just wanted to enjoy the drive,” he said. “And prolong the feeling of having your arms around me.”
It was such a typical thing for Dylan to say that I didn’t second-guess it. He ran ahead of me and held the door open and I wondered whether this was pure chivalry or if he was treating me with kid gloves for a reason.
“Whoa,” I said. “That’s a long line.”
“Why don’t you go and sit down,” Dylan said. “I’ll get us some cones; mint chocolate chip for you, am I right?”
“It’s fine, I’ll wait with you,” I said.
“No, don’t worry,” Dylan said insistently. “It’s better you sit down.”
I frowned at him as I started to get annoyed. “I’d rather stand,” I said defiantly.
“You might want to get us a table before they’re all gone,” he said sensibly and I was forced to stomp off to find us a table while Dylan stayed in line. When he came back with cones, my mood hadn’t improved much.
“Here you go,” he said passing me my cone.
“Thanks,” I replied as he sat down opposite me.
“So …” Dylan started a little awkwardly. “How have you been doing?”
“Great,” I nodded. “Nothing much has been happening with me.”
“Oh … because Maddie did mention that you were seeing someone,” he said.
I raised my eyebrows. Perhaps that was the reason he seemed a little off today, but I had made the decision months ago. I knew I couldn’t hide my pregnancy forever. I knew that Bastrop would know soon and the news would eventually travel to Dylan. I had to make sure the story I would put out was believable.
“I am,” I nodded.
“Who is he?”
“I met him at the bar months ago,” I replied. “Shortly after you left, actually.”
“It happened that fast?”
I wondered if that was judgement I sensed in his tone but I decided to let it go. “I guess so,” I nodded. “We hit it off right away and I didn’t think there was any point in taking things slow … my whole life has been pretty slow as of late.”
“How serious are you guys?”
“Serious enough,” I said with a shrug.
“What’s his name?” Dylan asked.
I hesitated a little. “Am I under suspicion for something here?”
Dylan gave me an awkward smile. “Sorry, does it sound like I’m interrogating you?”
“Just a bit,” I said lightly.
“I’m sorry. I guess I’m just curious,” Dylan said. “And I’ll admit, just a little jealous.”
“You were the one that left, Dylan,” I pointed out to him gently.
“I know,” Dylan nodded. “I’m not suggesting you should have … waited for me or anything. I’m just telling you how I feel, unreasonable as it may be.”
I nodded, feeling that gut wrenching pull in my gut and I wished desperately that things were different between us. For the first time since I’d found out that I was pregnant, I wanted so badly to tell Dylan the truth. And it was for purely selfish reasons. In the moment it felt like it was enough that he stayed, no matter what the reason, but I knew that once the feeling passed I would always live in fear of his resentment. I would always know that I had not been enough. The only reason he had stayed with me was out of a sense of obligation.
I finished my cone and looked around for some napkins. Dylan noticed my searching gaze and he rose immediately. “You sit down,” he said. “I’ll get the napkins.”
“They’re right over there,” I pointed out. “I can reach for them.”
“No, don’t strain yourself, I can do it.”
It was his tone more than anything that got to me. I hated feeling as though I was handicapped in some way and I was starting to get the feeling that he knew I was pregnant and he was just waiting to back me into a corner.
“What on earth is wrong with you?” I demanded. “Why are you treating me like I’m going to break?”
Dylan took a deep breath and I knew what he was going to say before he said it. “I know Maddie,” he said and his aura of calm fell away.
My heart was beating fast but I kept my face clear of emotion. “You know what?”
“I know you’re pregnant,” Dylan said. “And I know you’re far enough along that …”
“That what?” I demanded.
“That the baby could be mine,” he said at last. “Is it?”
I just stared at him, trying to remember all the reasons I was doing this in the first place.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Dylan
“Lizzie?” I said again when she didn’t say anything.
Her face was impassive at first and then slowly I saw the worry flit through her eyes before she composed herself. She looked me straight in the eyes. “The baby is not yours,” she said.
I blinked at her a couple of times and tried to understand the words she was saying, but it just didn’t make sense. I had been so sure; I had been so confident that she would tell me the exact opposite. I was feeling so many things in that moment that I could barely hold on.
“You’re sure?”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Lizzie said abruptly as she got up and walked out of the parlor. I ran out after her but she kept walking without waiting for me to catch up.
“Lizzie!” I called out after her. “Come back here … please. I need to talk to you.”
She whirled around to face me and her expression was fierce and flushed. “I don’t want to talk,” she said passionately. “I really, really don’t want to talk.”
I was about to insist a little harder but she looked so tired and so … alone somehow. It was as though she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and she just needed a moment of rest. Curiosity burned fiercely inside me but I knew I couldn’t push her if she didn’t want to open up to me. I also knew that I couldn’t leave her here, not now.
“Ok,” I sighed. “Ok, we don’t need to talk; let’s go somewhere.”
She seemed taken back by that. “Where?”
“How about … the football field where I used to play in high school?” I suggested. “I haven’t been there in over a decade.”
I thought for a moment that she was going to turn me down but then she nodded once. “All right,” she said. “Let’s go.”
We walked back to my bike and rode there. I helped her off, put away the helmets, and then we walked onto the outskirts of the field where the track was. I wanted to reach out and take her hand but I knew from the set of her spine that she wasn’t ready for that kind of contact yet.
I tried to start up a conversation, but every question on my lips was directed at her pregnancy and her plans for the future. I knew if I pushed it she would just leave and I would worse off than when I started the conversation. So I mustered every ounce of patience I possessed and I tried to think of a safe topic to broach.
“I’m officially out of the Navy,” I told her casually.
She gave me a small, distracted smile. “Your mother must be over the moon.”
“Oh she is,” I nodded. “I know it may be hard to believe, but I’m pretty glad myself.”
“Of course,” Lizzie nodded easily. “Now you have the time to focus on the rehab center.”
She said it as though it were inevitable and the way she said made me believe that it was. She had always had the ability to make me feel as though I could accomplish anything. Ironically, she had been the reason I had felt like I could get through the Navy training process. As strenuous and as hard as it was, it had been Lizzie’s voice in my head that had spurred me forward.
“I suppose,” I nodded. “I’m thinking of selling the land that dad left me so that I can invest in an appropriate piece of property.”
“Where are you looking to invest in?” Lizzie asked.
I hesitated. “I don’t know,” I replied. “Maybe Bastrop, maybe somewhere else … I haven’t decided anything yet.”
She nodded and I couldn’t help but glance at her every few seconds. She was wearing light blue jeans and a white, billowy blouse that set a nice contrast against her silky red hair. She certainly didn’t look pregnant. She just looked beautiful.
“Have you been playing the keyboard much?” I asked.
“Quite a bit actually,” Lizzie nodded. “I’ve actually started writing some music too. I’ve just been feeling inspired lately I guess.”
“That’s great,” I said. “I’m glad you’re getting back into music.”
“Thank you for the keyboard,” she said softly. “It’s the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever got me.”
“It was my pleasure,” I told her honestly. “Truly.”
She gave me a shy smile and I felt my body yearn for hers. I wanted to reach out and touch her, I wanted to pull her to me and kiss her. Her pregnancy didn’t even factor into it. I still desired her in the same way; I still loved her the same way. Even if the child wasn’t mine, it was still hers and that meant something to me.
“How are things at the bar?” I asked trying to keep the conversation going.
“I quit yesterday,” Lizzie replied.
“You quit?” I asked in surprise. “Why?”
“There was another fight last night,” Lizzie started.
“Was it Paul?” I asked before she could continue.
“No, no,” she said hurriedly. “He’s stayed away from me ever since he got hit with the restraining order. I haven’t had any trouble from him in the last few months. It was just a random fight between a bunch of drunk guys. Anyway I tried to break it up and I ended up getting pushed into a table. I’m ok, nothing happened, but it made me realize that I needed to protect my child. And working in a bar is not exactly a conducive environment for a pregnant woman.”
I registered the warmth in her voice when she spoke of her child. It was strange to think that she was really going to have a baby and it was even stranger to think that that baby was not mine. I stopped walking and Lizzie turned to look at me.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I’m sorry … I’m trying to be sensitive but … I just have to know …”
“What do you want to know?” Lizzie asked calmly.
“Are you still with the baby’s father?” I asked and the words tasted bitter coming out of my mouth. I hated the idea of Lizzie with another man; it rankled further knowing she had created a life with this stranger.
“No,” Lizzie said. “He was a guy who was passing through town. You had just left and I was lonely; we spent a couple of nights together and then he left town. And a few months later, I found out I was pregnant.”
“Did you tell him?”
“Yes,” Lizzie nodded. “He’s not going to be involved in the baby’s life, which is fine by me.”
“You’re really ok with that?”
“Yes I am,” Lizzie replied and I could tell that she was telling the truth. “I know I haven’t done many of the things I wanted to do when I was younger, but maybe I just wasn’t meant for those kinds of adventures. Maybe this was always the adventure I was meant for.”
“You’ll make an amazing mother,” I said softly.
She smiled and her blue eyes lit up at the compliment. “You really think so?”
“I know so,” I nodded fervently.
I could feel our bodies leaning in towards each other instinctively and evidently she sensed the same thing, because she pulled back abruptly and cleared her throat. “I shoul
d get home,” she said. “I’m a little tired and I need to rest.”
“Can I come with you?” I asked. She looked at me questioningly and I realized I couldn’t pretend any longer. “I’m not ready to say goodbye to you just yet.”
She nodded and we headed back to her apartment. Her cat greeted us at the door and he seemed to recognize me from the last time. I scratched him behind the ears as Lizzie went and got his dinner ready. Afterwards she joined me on the couch but she made sure to sit on the opposite end so that we were nowhere near close to touching one another.
We just sat there, staring at one another, waiting for the other one to say something and break the pregnant silence. I could feel the atmosphere change and in that moment everything became clear to me. I had been chasing all the wrong things this whole time. The one thing, the only thing that mattered was Lizzie. And the moment my mind had made that one irrevocable truth, my path forward was clear.
I leaned in, grabbed Lizzie around the waist and I pulled her towards me until she was practically sitting on my lap. She struggled against me slightly but I held her firmly in place. “Dylan …” she said warningly.
“I want to spend the night with you,” I said cutting her off. “I want to stay with you.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Elizabeth
He looked so beautiful, so masculine and sensual sitting there on my couch that it was impossible for me not to want him. I sat as far away from him as I could manage, but it didn’t seem to matter. The air was cut with daggers of passion and I could sense his desire for me as powerfully as I could sense my desire for him.
I knew he was hurting from what I had told him before and it hurt me to give voice to the lie but I knew this was the only way I could protect him. He had given up so much of his life, he had been fighting for so long that he deserved this respite from life. I didn’t want him to be saddled with a wife and child he wasn’t ready for.
I remembered that conversation we had had the day we had walked through the cemetery to see his father. He had told me then that he needed more time before he married and had children. He needed time to breathe and think so that he didn’t carry all the baggage of the last decade into those new relationships. How could I know all that and still tell him? I knew I couldn’t.