by Niles, Naomi
CHAPTER 28
Aidan
I could see that Elsa was getting tired after a few glasses of wine, and I stood as she explained that she was going to go to bed once we’d talked for a few hours. Angela graciously showed her to our room and got her settled before she came back outside with a sweater pulled over her broad shoulders and a jacket for me that I’d left on my bag. She suggested a fire, and I joined her by the fire pit in the lower half of the yard as we settled back with another beer. “She’s in love with you, Aidan.” Angela didn’t hold back as I stared at her over the flames. “What are your plans with Elsa?”
“I am going back to Afghanistan, Ang. I don’t even know her that well, so why would you say that?” The look she gave me with her expressive blue eyes told me that she saw something else between us and I shook my head. “Look, Elsa is Amish.”
“Really?” Angela asked, and I nodded.” How did that happen?
“I was driving through her community and the car broke down. I ended up at her house and stayed there a few days until I could get it fixed up. It was different than anything I’d ever seen before; you know?” She nodded. “She was sweet and so naive in her ways, but I couldn’t help but to flirt with her.”
“You always were a flirt even on your worst days,” Angela teased me gently as she smiled and I shrugged.
“I loved the sound of her laugh. It gave me some hope after seeing so much wrong in my life. I was getting ready to leave, and she’d already told me about their tradition, rumspringa. It was when they got to leave their family and way of life for a time to see what they really wanted. She seemed too interested in seeing what else was out there, and she surprised me by telling me that she was leaving with me.” I remembered the expressions on her families face as I spoke and I shook my head. “She had parents and a brother, Ang. They couldn’t stop her, and they wouldn’t, but the way they looked at me killed me. I already knew from talking to her that this was what Elsa wanted, and I knew that she would be safe with me. I agreed and promised to take good care of her.” I looked into her face as she stared intently at me. “She’s like a kid sometimes. She sees the world in a way that I don’t think I ever have. Her first stop was to buy a pager…can you imagine? She didn’t even know modern technology. I got her a phone instead, and she’s learning it. Taking pictures, playing games and just loving it. She watched youtube shows on the ocean while we drove here. Elsa is like a sponge.” I looked at her to see that she wanted to say something.
“Why are you going back? You could be with her since you’re clearly in love with her as well. What’s your reason, Aidan?” Angela shook her head as she ran a hand through her curls. “You’re an idiot, you know.” There was affection in her voice as she smiled at me and I looked silently at her. I wasn’t willing to tell her the truth, not even with our past. The truth was too final for either of us to deal with right now. “You can’t get enough of that life, can you?”
“I suppose not. I’m used to it. This break is great, and I’m having a blast, but it’s time to go back to work soon.” I sounded very casual as I spoke on purpose so my voice wouldn’t shake. “How are you doing, Ang? I mean, how are you really doing?”
“Well, I still think about the baby sometimes. I won’t lie. I just take it was what was meant to be, though who knows why? I dated some after that, a long while after that, but nothing stuck. Nothing seemed right, not even work.” She sipped her beer and shrugged. “I left the practice and went to school here to become a teacher, and here I am. I love my little house and my simple life, though I might get a dog soon once I work out how many hours I am gone when I’m teaching.” She made it sound like a huge commitment, and I chuckled as I sipped from my bottle. “What?”
“You’re telling me to stay here for Elsa and you’re hesitant about getting a dog?” I teased her as she smiled peacefully.
“I am okay on my own, Aidan. At least right now. I always knew that you were the kind of man that enjoyed a woman in your life and now? I see it more than ever, more than when we were together. You’ve transitioned into something now, and you’re ready for love.” I shook my head as the last woman from my past flashed through my mind. “What is it?”
“I’m already signed up to go back. I just wanted to show Elsa a good time and keep an eye on her. We both know that it’s an ugly world out there.” I shared a look with her. Not only had we suffered a heartbreaking loss, but she heard some terrible stories working as a therapist, examples of horrible examples of life. She kept it confidential, but I saw the pain in her eyes when she came home at night. I almost wasn’t surprised that she’d stepped back after we parted ways, even if it was amicable. “I couldn’t stand the idea of her enthusiasm getting stomped on when she saw it. I wanted her to see the good.” I knew that was why I didn’t tell her about my illness or impending death. I wanted everyone, particularly Elsa, to see me going off into the sunset to fight like the soldier that I used to be.
It just seemed more honorable in my eyes.
“Are you sure?” Her voice was gentle, and I nodded.
“I had no plans on meeting anybody or even hooking up. I just wanted to make this trip and take the little time off that I had to recoup from this injury.” I had seen the way that Angela looked at my scars and her eyes looked me over again, under my jacket.
“You’re okay, though?” She pressed me, and I nodded. “You can go back with that?”
“Sure, of course. This is just scarring and a bit of discomfort.” I had been discreet about taking my pain pills and never complained about the pain that I suffered. Others had died, so I had nothing to say about it.
“Mentally, are you sure? You seem so strong now and happy to me. You look like you’re enjoying life.” Her face showed her joy for me and I nodded.
“I’m great, Ang. I am still alive and kicking, and I still have a lot to offer the Army.” I settled back and sipped my beer as the fire crackled. “Maybe after I’m out I’ll find a place like this and retire.”
“It’s a good way,” Angela smiled as she curled her feet under her and shivered in the cooling air. “Want to go inside?”
We cleaned up our bottles and tossed them into the recycle bin in the garage before she glanced at me. “Coffee?”
I looked at the clock above the stove to see that it was approaching midnight, and I smiled. “Still a night owl?”
“I create the best night.” She smiled as she started to brew a pot of coffee. She’d told us that she was writing on the side and that she’d published two fiction books over the last couple of years. I was proud of her.
“I think I’ll head to bed. We might try to hit the road tomorrow morning unless you cook those crepes for us for breakfast,” I kidded her as I sent a wink her way. I was comfortable with Angela in a way that I hadn’t been with anyone else before meeting Elsa.
“I’ll consider it for her sake,” Angela promised as I told her good night and went down the hall to where Elsa was sleeping. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her as she rolled over slowly with a sigh and a smile on her face. Elsa looked happy, and I thought about the way that I’d brushed her off to Angela. I knew that she’d seen that, but she was too kind to give me too much of a hard time over it, knowing how stubborn that I could sometimes be.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and saw a text from Mitchell, another Army buddy. He was jumping on the bandwagon along with Dan since they were both going through the treatment and expecting good results. They gave me about a month before they’d get on me again and I could tell that my friends were getting angry at me this time. I didn’t have forever to put this off, and I sighed as I closed my eyes. My lie was wearing on me and stood and went to the window to stare out of the window before I noticed a French door that led to a small table and chairs outside. I unlocked it and sat outside in my jacket as I battled with myself and thought about what Angela had told me.
I sat up for a while and decided I w
as too restless for sleep before I tiptoed back into the living room. I’d locked the door to keep Elsa safe and found the kitchen dark and the living room empty. I sat down and ran my hands through my hair as I reminded myself to get a haircut again and dropped back against the cushions. I wanted to be back there with Elsa so badly, but I knew what I was like when restless, and it was best for me to be out here where I wouldn’t inconvenience her. I only hoped that Angela was in her room and not out here to see me like this since she’d want to help.
I didn’t want to subject her to this anymore. It wasn’t my place, and she was a good friend now, one that didn’t need to know everything as she once had.
I needed to get through this alone.
What I needed was Elsa.
CHAPTER 29
Elsa
I woke up hours later alone and rolled over to see that the clock said that it was past two in the morning. A part of me ached with jealousy as I wondered where Aidan was but I pushed those thoughts aside and rose from the bed. I pulled on my dress after I changed out of my shorts and tank top that I’d bought to sleep in and pulled my dress back on.
I saw the kitchen light on and wandered in to see Angela heating up a cup of coffee in the microwave. “Oh. I thought that you were Aidan.” I hated the disappointment in her voice but I was worried, and I ran a hand through her messy hair. “Do you know where he is?” A part of me worried that he’d left me here, and I bit my lip as Angela gave me a reassuring smile.
“Oh, he’s okay. Aidan is on the couch in the living room. He does that when he’s restless,” Angela told me as she glanced at the coffee pot. “Would you like a cup?”
“That would be great,” I told her as Angela pulled a large mug from the stained glass covered cub board and filled it up before she removed hers from the small over above the stove. She pushed a few buttons and pulled mine out a few seconds later if that. I had added generous amounts of cream and sugar before I looked at the stove. “What is that called?”
“It’s a microwave. It’s for reheating food and drinks mostly, though some people use them almost entirely. They say that they’re not healthy, but I love the convenience of it.” Angela shrugged, and I noticed that she still had her dress on.
“Have you gone to sleep yet?” I asked her as she giggled and shook her head. She was softer than Melissa, but I liked that about her. She seemed to know who she was, and I loved the feeling that her house had.
“Nocturnal writer. I can do that when I’m not teaching, and I take full advantage of it.” Angela sat with me at the small area of her kitchen that offered two stools and a small eating area. “Did you like dinner?”
“I loved it. I had never eaten that kind of food before,” I gushed even though I’d politely told her thank you earlier in the night. I sipped the coffee and smiled at the sweet taste. “This is different than I drank at the hotel.”
“I like this creamer.” Angela pointed to the bottle, and I saw that it was called sweet cream and realized why it was overly sweet. “I’m sorry! Is it too much for you?”
“No, it’s very good. I think I am getting addicted to coffee,” I admitted, and she laughed.
“I have been for years.” Angela sipped her own coffee, and I looked into her soft face to see something pass through her blue eyes. “Have you discussed Aidan not returning to Afghanistan at all, Elsa?” She seemed hesitant to ask and even glanced towards the living room as she spoke.
“No. I mean; I don’t think I have any place to. We haven’t known each other long.” Angela nodded.
“He told me about your rumspringa. How are you enjoying it?” Angela seemed curious, and I smiled widely.
“I love it. We bought a phone for me, and he took me to Gettysburg. I’ve lived so close to it for so long and never seen it before. It was so beautiful, Angela. We went to a fancy hotel for breakfast and had this fancy coffee and just walked around while he told me about the men that died there.” I looked at her. “He’s seen that himself, hasn’t he?”
“Yes.” Angela kept her answer short, and I suspected that she would never reveal anything too deep about anybody that she loved. “The Army has been rough on him. He knows that I’m not a supporter of war and violence, but I’d never tell him what to do. It did break my heart a bit when he returned, though after we parted ways. I had hoped that he’d choose something else.” She shook her head and gave me an intent gaze. “I think that he would choose you over the Army, Elsa. If he didn’t, nothing would keep him here.”
“What do you mean?” I asked her as she smiled and stared out of the window for a moment.
“You’re so sweet, Elsa.” She said it with kindness and not maliciously, just like Melissa had. I squirmed a little bit because it reminded me how different I was than anyone else, which reminded me of the fact that Aidan could never consider me as a choice. “Aidan is in love with you. Don’t you see it?”
“What?” My mouth dropped open, and I stared at her. “No, he’s not.”
“He’s head over heels over you. I can see it in his eyes and his smile, Elsa. I was with him, and I’ve never seen him like this before.” Angela had smiled with a tinge of sadness before she gazed at me. “I tried to tell him the same thing, but he denied it as well.” She shook her head. “He’s a fool for returning there.”
“I am scared for him. He already has those scars, and I think they hurt him more than he tells me. I hear him moaning in his sleep sometimes like he’s in pain. I don’t wake him up because I know that he needs sleep, but I worry.” I looked at her. “Is he okay?”
“I see peace in him that I haven’t seen in a very long time, Elsa. The way that he cares for me shows me that Aidan is all too aware of who he is again and I don’t want that broken. He’s just stubborn in his ways.” Angela gave me a rueful smile. “You know, after we lost our baby and broke up, I tried to date a few times. I thought that I might find a man like Aidan.”
“Did you?” She shook her head.
“I don’t believe there is a man like Aidan out there. I think that you know that and might be confused about what to do after this is all over. Am I correct?” I nodded since she’d hit the nail on the head. She was brilliant about people. “I knew that he wasn’t doing this just for fun like he claims.” She gave me a quick look. “He didn’t say it like that, Elsa. I promise. He just tried to brush me off when I told him that he was in love with you too.” Too? Did she see my feelings for him? “I saw it all over your face from the moment that you two arrived. I could see that you were a little uncertain about being here, but it’s clear that Aidan is very much with you.”
I sipped my coffee and took in her words. “It is?”
“Oh, yes. I knew that he wasn’t coming here to rekindle anything before but seeing you by his side…it made me happy. It made me glad to see that he’d entirely moved on from everything.” She nodded, and I looked closely into her face.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry about the baby. Aidan is still sad about it as well,” I whispered as she looked at me with soft eyes. “He talked about it driving here.”
“It’s a hard thing to go through. It was a shock since we’d been so careful, but I was all right with it. I thought that we’d make good parents.” She shook her head and glanced at me. “Do you want children?”
“I’m not sure. I’m only twenty. I know that it will be expected of me if I return home and marry. It’s what we do. I just don’t know if I want that life for myself, not yet,” I looked at her to see if she understood what I was saying.
“I know what you mean. I went through something similar once I was on my own. It took a few dates, and a few failed relationships to see that I wasn’t cut out to be with the guys that I met and end up on the same road with them that I had Aidan. I ended my career as a therapist and went back to school, and now I help others by teaching what I know. It’s soothing to me.” She smiled, and I saw the calm in her face. “I just go day by day now and enjoy every moment. I think everyone should do that
at some point. You and Aidan deserve to do it together.” She looked at me. “Try to hold onto him. He’s a good man and he adores you.”
I remained quiet as I thought it over. “I want that,” I admitted as she smiled at me. “He’s the only man that I’ve ever…been with. At all. Is it okay to want that? We saw Melissa before this, and she laughed about his past. I am so different that what he’s used to.”
Angela chuckled as she stirred her coffee. “He saw her. I’m glad. That devastated him.” She seemed to think for a moment. “Men are funny, Elsa. Outside of where you are, they can act foolish, and they use sex the wrong way sometimes. I have seen a lot of them settle down when they find the right woman without a second thought, though. I am certain that Aidan is more that way than most.” She gave me a curious look. “Is sex a regular part of rumspringa for you?”
I blushed deeply as I stared at the counter. It was a soft gray and beautiful, and I stumbled over my answer. “Yes, for most. They don’t talk about it when they come back a lot, but I know that some of my friends had sex. Everything that you do is forgiven as long as you don’t come back expecting or something along those lines. This is just part of our lives.” I frowned. “I don’t think that this is just sex for me.”
“I agree,” she solemnly agreed before she sipped her coffee again. “He’s crazy about you.”
CHAPTER 30
Aidan
I heard the bombs in the air and smelled the smoke that penetrated my lungs as I screamed out and tried to feel around me. The air was thick with the smoke and the smell of blood as I found someone and moved closer to see who it was. I expected Joe as it had every other time and was stunned to see Elsa on the ground beside me. She was bleeding, and her chest was blown open, and I started sobbing her name as I pulled her body to me. All of the pain of losing Joe and everything else that I’d seen in my Army career hit me, and I shook as I kissed her and told her how sorry I was. I told her that I loved her before I turned sharply and woke up on the hardwood floor to the sound of an argument. I sat up and ran my hands through my hair as I looked around to see Angela pressed against the wall just inside the door with her hand pressed over her mouth. “What’s happening?”