"As far as I can tell," Massha answered, also choosing to overlook the gag order, "they buy it by the bottle."
She pointed to a small group of vampires sitting on a low wall merrily passing a bottle of red liquid back and forth among themselves. Despite our knowledge of the area, I had subconsciously assumed they were drinking wine. Confronted by the inescapable logic that the stuff they were drinking was typed, not aged, my stomach did a fast roll and dip to the right.
"If you two are through sightseeing," I hissed, "let's try to find this Dispatcher character before someone invites us to join them for a drink."
With that, I led off my slightly subdued assistants, nodding and waving at the merrymaking vampires as we went. Actually, the goings on looked like a lot of fun, and I might have been tempted to join in, if it weren't for the urgency of our quest...and, of course, the fact that they were vampires.
Following the instructions I had gleaned from the couple on the road before their panicky flight, we found the Dispatcher's place with no problem. Leaving Guido outside as a lookout, Massha and I braved the stairs and entered the Dispatcher's office.
As strange as Blut had appeared, it hadn't prepared me for the room we stepped into.
There were hundreds of glass pictures lining the walls, pictures which depicted moving, living things much like looking into a rack of fishbowls. What was more, the images being displayed were of incredible violence and unspeakable acts being performed on seemingly helpless victims. The overall effect was neither relaxing nor pleasant...definitely not something I'd want on the wall at home.
I was so entranced by the pictures, I almost missed the Dispatcher himself until he rose from his desk. Perhaps "rose" is the wrong description. What he actually did was hop down to the floor from his chair which was high to begin with, but made higher by the addition of a pillow to the seat.
He strode forward, beaming widely, with his hand extended for a handshake.
"Hi there Vilhelm's the name Your problem is my problem Don't sit down Standing problems I solve for free Sitting problems I charge for Reasonable rates Just a minor percentage off the top. What can I do for you?"
That was sort of all one sentence in that he didn't pause for breath. He did, however, seize my hand, pump it twice, then repeated the same procedure with Massha, then grabbed my hand again...all before he stopped talking.
All in all, it was a little overpowering. I had a flash impression of a short, stocky character with plump rosy cheeks and a bad case of the fidgets. I had deliberately tried not to speculate on what the Dispatcher would look like, but a cherub vampire still caught me a little off-guard.
"I...ummm...how did you know I have a problem?"
That earned me an extra squeeze of the hand and a wink.
"Nobody comes in here unless they've got a problem," he said, finally slowing down his speech a bit. "I mean, I could always use a bit of help, but does anyone leap forward to lend a hand? Fat chance. Seems like the only time I see another face in the flesh is when it means more work for me. Prove me wrong...please! Tell me you came in here to take over for an hour or so to let me duck out for a bite to drink."
"Well, actually, we've got a problem and we were told...,"
"See! What did I tell you? All right. What have you got? A standing or a sitting problem? Standing problems I handle for..."
He was off again. In a desperate effort to keep our visit short, I interrupted his pitch.
"We're looking for a friend who..."
"Say no more! A friend! Just a second!"
With that he vaulted back into his chair, grabbed the top off a strange-looking appliance on his desk, diddled with it briefly, then started talking into it.
"Yea Darwin? Vilhelm. I need...sure..."
Leaning back in his chair, he tucked the gadget under one side of his head and grabbed another.
"This is Vilhelm, Is Kay around?...Well, put her on when she's done..."
The second gadget slid in under the same ear as the first and he reached for yet another.
"I know I shouldn't ask this," I murmured to Massha, "but what's he doing?"
"Those are telephones," she whispered back as a fourth instrument came into play. "You talk into one end of it and whoever's at the other end can hear you and talk back. It beats running all over town to find an answer."
By this time, the little vampire had so many instruments hung from his shoulders and arms he looked like he was being attacked by a nest of snakes. He seemed to be handling it well, though, talking first into one, then another, apparently keeping multiple conversations going at once like a juggler handles a basket full of balls.
"Gee, that's kind of neat!" I exclaimed. "Do you think we could get some of these for our place at the Bazaar?"
"Believe me, they're more trouble than they're worth," Massha said. "In nothing flat you find you're spending all your time on the phone talking to people and not accomplishing anything. Besides, ever since they broke up the corporation..."
"I think I've got it!" Vilhelm announced, jumping down to floor-level again. "I've got one friend for you definite, but to be honest with you he's only so-so. I've got call-backs coming on two others, so let's see what they're like before you commit on the definite. Okay?"
"Ummm...I think there's some kind of mistake here," I said desperately, trying to stop the madness before it progressed any further. "I'm not trying to find a new friend. I'm trying to locate a friend I already have who may be here in town.''
He blinked several times as this news sank in. He started to turn back to his phones in an involuntary motion, then waved a hand at them in disgusted dismissal.
"Heck with it," he said with a sigh. "If they can come up with anything, I can always fob 'em off on someone else for a profit. Now then, let's try this again. You're looking for someone specific. Are they a townie or a transient? It would help if you gave me a little something to go on, you know."
He seemed a little annoyed, and I would have liked to do or say something to cheer him up. Before I could think of anything, however, my apprentice decided to join the conversation.
"This is quite a layout you've got, Fast Worker. Mind if I ask exactly what it is you do?"
As always, Massha's "people sense" proved to be better than mine. The little vampire brightened noticeably at the compliment, and his chest puffed out as he launched into his narration.
"Well, the job was originally billed as Dispatcher...you know, as in Dispatcher of Nightmares. But anyway, like any job, it turned out to involve a lot of things that aren't on the job description. Now it's sort of a combination of dispatcher, travel agent, lost and found, and missing persons bureau."
"Nightmares?" I questioned, unable to contain myself.
"Sure. Anything that comes out of Limbo, be it dreams or the real thing, comes through here. Where're you from that you didn't know that?"
Obviously, I wasn't wild about continuing on the subject of our place of origin. "Ahhh, can you really help us find our friend? He's new in town, like us."
"That's right. You're looking for someone. Sorry. I get a little carried away sometimes when I talk about my work. New in town, hmmm? Shouldn't be that hard to locate. We don't get that many visitors."
"He might be in jail," Massha blurted out before I realized what she was going to say.
"In jail?" The vampire frowned. "The only outsider in jail right now is...Say! Now I recognize you! The eyes threw me for a minute. You're Skeeve, aren't you?"
"Screen 97B!" he declared proudly, gesturing vaguely over his shoulder. "There's someone a dozen dimensions over from here, runs a hot dog stand, who features you in his most frequent nightmares. You, a dragon, and a Pervert. Am I correct in assuming that the current resident in our fair jail is none other than your sidekick Aahz?"
"To be correct, that's Pervect, not Pervert...but except for that you're right. That's my partner you've got locked up there, and we aim to get him out."
I was probably talking too mu
ch, but being recognized in a dimension I'd never heard of had thrown me off balance. Then again, the Dispatcher didn't seem all that hostile at the discovery. More curious than anything else.
"Well, well. Skeeve himself. I never expected to meet you in person. Sometime you must tell me what you did to that poor fellow to rate the number-one slot on his hit parade of nightmares."
"What about Aahz?'' I said impatiently.
"You know he's up for murder, don't you?"
"Heard it. Don't believe it. He's a lot of things, but a murderer isn't one of them."
"There's a fair amount of evidence." Vilhelm shrugged. "But tell me. What's with the vampire getup. You're no more a vampire than I'm a Klahd."
"It's a long story. Let's just say it seemed to be the local uniform."
"Let's not," the dispatcher grinned. "Pull up a chair...free of charge, of course. I've got time and lots of questions about the other dimensions. Maybe we can trade a little information while you're here."
Chapter Seven
"I don't see anything thrilling about it!"
-M. Jackson
"I really don't see how you can drink that stuff," I declared, eyeing Vilhelm's goblet of blood.
"Funny," he smiled in return, "I was about to say the same thing. I mean, you know what W. C. Fields said about water!"
"No. What?"
"Now let me get this straight," Guido interrupted before I could get any answer. "You're sayin' you vampire guys don't really drink blood from people?"
"Oh, a few do," the Dispatcher said with a shrug. "But it's an acquired taste, like steak tartare. Some say it's a gourmet dish, but I could never stand the stuff myself. I'll stick with the inexpensive domestic varieties any night."
We were all sprawled around the Dispatcher's office at this point, sipping our respective drinks and getting into a pretty good rap session. We had pulled Guido in off door watch and I had dropped our disguises so my energy reserve wasn't being drained.
The Dispatcher had played with his phones, calling from one to the other. Then he put them all down and announced that he had them on "hold," a curious expression since it was the first time in half an hour he hadn't been holding one.
Vilhelm himself was turning out to be a priceless source of information, and, as promised, had a seemingly insatiable curiosity about otherworldly things.
"Then how do you account for all the vampire legends around the other dimensions," Massha said skeptically.
The Dispatcher made a face.
"First of all, you've got to realize who you're dealing with. Most of the ones who do extensive touring outside of Limbo are 'old money' types. We're talking about the idle rich...and that usually equates to bored thrill-seekers. Working stiffs like me can't afford to take that kind of time away from our jobs. Heck, I can hardly manage to get my two weeks each year. Anyway, there are a lot more of us around the dimensions than you might realize. It's just that the level-headed ones are content to maintain a low profile and blend with the natives. They content themselves with the blood of domestic livestock, much the way we do here at home. It's the others that cause the problems. Like any group of tourists, there's always a few who feel that just because they're in another world or city, the rules don't apply...and that includes common manners and good taste. They're the ones who stir up trouble by getting the locals up in arms about 'bloodsucking monsters.' If it makes you feel any better, you human types have a pretty bad rep yourselves here in Limbo."
That caught my attention.
"Could you elaborate on that last point, Vilhelm?
What problem could the locals have with us?"
The Dispatcher laughed. "The same one you humans have with us vampires. While humans aren't the leading cause of death in vampires any more than vampires are a leading cause of death in humans, it's certainly one of the more publicized and sensational ways to go."
"Is that why the first locals we met took off like bats out of hell...if you'll pardon the expression?" Massha asked.
"You've got it. I think you'll find that the citizens of Blut will react the same way to you that you would if you ran into a vampire in your home dimension."
"I don't notice you bein' particularly scared of us," Guido said suspiciously.
"One of the few advantages of this job. After a few years of monitoring the other dimensions, you get pretty blase about demons. As far as I can tell, most of 'em are no worse than some of the folks we've got around here."
This was all very interesting, but I was getting a little fidgety about our mission.
"Since you know we aren't all evil or on a permanent vampire hunt, what can you tell us about the mess Aahz is in? Can you give us any help there?"
"I dunno," the Dispatcher said, rubbing his jaw thoughtfully. "Until I found out who he was, I was ready to believe he was guilty as sin. There's an awful lot of evidence against him."
"Such as?" I pressed.
"Well, he was caught with a stake and mallet in his hand, and there are two eyewitnesses who say they saw him kill one of our citizens and scatter his dust to the winds."
"Wait a minute. You mean you ain't got no corpus delecti?" Guido said, straightening in his chair. "Sorry to interrupt. Boss, but you're playin' in my alley now. This is somethin' I know a little about. You can't go on trial for murder without a corpse, know what I mean?"
"Maybe where you come from," Vilhelm corrected, "but things get a little different when you're dealing with vampires. If we had a body, or even just the pile of dust, we could revive him in no time flat. As it is, the problem is when there's no body...when a vampire's been reduced to dust and the dust scattered. That's when it's impossible to pull 'em back into a functional mode."
"But if there isn't a body, how do you know the victim is dead at all? " I asked.
"There's the rub," Vilhelm agreed. "But in this case, there's a matter of two eyewitnesses."
"Two of 'em, eh?" Massha murmured thoughtfully. "Would you happen to have descriptions of these two peepers?"
"Saw 'em myself. They were both off-worlders like yourselves. One was a young girl, the blonde and innocent type. The other was a pretty sleazy-looking guy. It was her who sold us on the story, really. I don't think anyone would have believed him if he said that werewolves were furry."
My heart sank. I had wanted very badly to believe the girl who had warned us of Aahz's danger was somehow an innocent bystander in the proceedings. Now it looked as if...
"Do the descriptions sound familiar, Hot Stuff? Still think Guido and I were being paranoid when we said this might be a set-up? Sounds like they framed your partner, then came back after you to complete the set." I avoided her eyes, staring hard at the wall monitors.
"There might be another explanation, you know."
My apprentice gave out a bark of laughter.
"If there is, I'm dying to hear it. Face it, High Roller, any way you look at it the situation stinks. If they cooked up a frame that tight on Green and Scaly on such short notice, I'm dying to see what kind of a trap they've got waiting for you now that they've had time to get ready before inviting you to step in."
It occurred to me that I had never been that mouthy when I was an apprentice. It also occurred to me that now I understood why Aahz had gotten so angry on the rare occasions when I had voiced an opinion...and the rarer times when I was right.
"I think I missed a lap in this conversation somewhere." Vilhelm frowned. "I take it you know the witnesses?"
Massha proceeded to bring the Dispatcher up to date, with Guido growling counterpoint to the theme. For once I was glad to let them do the talking. It gave me a chance to collect my scattered thoughts and try to formulate a plan. When they finished, I still had a long way to go on both counts.
"I must admit, viewed from the light of this new information, the whole thing does sound a little suspicious," the vampire said thoughtfully.
"A little suspicious!" Massha snorted. "It's phonier than a smiling Deveel!"
"T
ell ya what," Guido began, "just give us a few minutes alone with these witnesses of yours and we'll shake the truth out of'em."
"I'm afraid that will be a little difficult," the Dispatcher said, eyeing the ceiling. "You see, they haven't been around for a while. Disappeared right after the trial."
"The trial!?" I snapped, abandoning my efforts to collect my wits. "You mean the trial's already been held?"
The vampire nodded.
"That's right. Needless to say, your friend was found guilty."
"Why do I get the feeling he didn't get a suspended sentence for a first offense?" Guido growled under his breath.
"As a matter of fact, he's been slated for execution at the end of the week," Vilhelm admitted.
That got me out of my seat and pacing.
"We've got to do something," I said needlessly. "How about it, Vilhelm? Can you help us out at all? Any chance of getting the verdict reversed or at least a stay of execution?"
"I'm afraid not. Character witnesses alone wouldn't change anything, and as for new evidence, it would only be your word against the existing witnesses...and you've already admitted the defendant is a friend of yours. Mind you, I believe you, but there are those who would suspect you'd say anything or fabricate any kind of tale to save your partner."
"But can you personally give us a hand?"
"No, I can't," the vampire said, turning away. "You all seem like real nice folks, and your friend is probably the salt of the earth, but I have to live here and deal with these people for a long time. If I sided with outsiders against the town legal system, my whole career would go down the drain whether I was right or not. It's not pretty and I don't like it, but that's the way things are."
"We could fix it so you like it a lot less!" Guido said darkly, reaching into his coat.
"Stop it, Guido," I ordered. "Let's not forget the help Vilhelm's already given us. It's a lot more than we expected to get when we first came into this dimension, so don't go making enemies out of the only friend we*ve got locally. Okay?"
The bodyguard sank back into his chair, muttering something I was just as glad I didn't hear, but his hand came out of his coat empty and stayed in sight.
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