Within minutes of my laying her in her crib, Kenzie was asleep, and I couldn’t resist watching her in that peaceful state. She was the best part of me, and as long as I had her, everything would be alright. When I made my way back out, I heard the clash of dishes from the kitchen. Luke must have been putting them away. He was still standing at the sink, hands submerged in the dish water. I stood directly behind him, pulling loosely at his waist band.
“Do you want me to stay awhile?” he asked, continuing to wash the plates. I moved beside him, grabbing a dish towel and started drying the plates that were already clean.
“For a little while, maybe,” I replied. “I’m a little worn out. I wouldn’t mind having a bit of quiet time.” I needed to be by myself to regroup and refocus. My mind and body were exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster I was putting myself on.
“Well, a little while is just fine.” Luke leaned down to kiss my cheek. He finished washing the last dish and handed it over to me. I took my time drying the center, working my way to the edge of the plate. “It has been a long day.”
I nodded. “It has. A good but long day.” I set the last dish on the top of the pile in the cupboard and dropped the towel on the counter. Luke was already on route to the couch, so I joined him.
I couldn’t remember falling asleep, but I certainly remembered waking up. Luke’s arms were wrapped around me, and I was lying with my leg draped over his body, his naked chest acting as my pillow. I panicked, using the back of the couch for balance, as I untangled myself from him. What time was it? Had I just spent the night in Luke’s arms? The last thing I wanted was to go there this soon, especially on this day of all days.
I stumbled back into the kitchen, squinting my blurred eyes to read the time. Three forty-two. My eyes closed tight, hoping this was a dream I could wake up from, before opening them again to look back to the couch. Luke was still there, sleeping soundly. Waking him up wasn’t a fair option, not after all he had done for us the prior day. I decided to leave him on the couch and went to sleep in my own room. My iPod was the first thing I grabbed before climbing into bed. After waking up to Luke, I needed one of two things, a strong drink or Tim. I justified listing to him so that I could calm down. I had been making every effort for the last couple of months to refrain from thinking, listening, or seeing anything the reminded me of him, but right now I just didn’t have the strength. Not when everything about him comforted me.
Monday morning was a typical Monday, filled with coffee and cranky co-workers until Maggie skipped toward my desk, and when I say skipped, I mean literally skipping. She was beaming, barely containing her excitement. I waited for her to speak first, knowing Maggie this could all be over a new shade of nail polish.
“You are never going to believe what I have in my purse!” She exclaimed, adding more evidence to my initial thought of nail polish, or maybe lipstick. “You are going to love me for the rest of your life.”
Okay, so it wasn’t makeup. “What do you have?” I sat up straighter in my chair.
“Guess!” She demanded, dangling her purse in front of my face.
“I have no idea, Mags.” I huffed, frustrated and curious about what it could be. “Can’t you just tell me?”
“Okay, okay.” She relented, opening her purse and pulling out two small pieces of paper. The tickets waved frantically in her hand. “I managed to get my hands on two tickets for the Hazed concert in San Antonio. We’re going this weekend!”
I almost fell out of my chair. “What?” My eyes blinked uncontrollably. Did she say what I just thought she said? “Hazed?” I gasped my chest tightening, limiting my air supply.
“Floor seats.” Maggie beamed. “I know how much you love them, and how much I love them!” She hugged the tickets closed to her heart. “Sarah agreed to watch Kenzie, and I lucked out on a hotel room. One of the last rooms left.”
“What?” I was still struggling to catch my breath, completely flustered. “How? How did you get floor seats?” That couldn’t have been easy. The shows were usually sold out, making it hard to find tickets let alone score floor seats.
“I know someone who works there and they happened to owe me a favor.” Maggie boasted proudly. “We’re leaving Friday morning, so you better be up and ready.”
She left me in shock, completely shaken. The trip had already been planned, a sitter organized, tickets purchased. How was I supposed to get out of this? A part of me wasn’t even sure if I wanted to get out of it. I wanted to see him again, and Maggie was giving me the opportunity.
I blew Luke off that evening. I didn’t know how to deal with the guilt of the situation. Deep rooted guilt, knowing I would see my ex and Luke had no idea. An overwhelming guilt of being in a relationship with Luke. How could I have ever moved on from Tim? Especially after everything I had done to him.
“Good morning beautiful.” Luke leaned in, touching his lips to mine quickly. “I missed you last night.” His words were quiet, to avoid drawing attention.
“Me too.” I responded, yawning due to my restless night. The idea of being in the same area, no matter how large, with Tim was consuming my thoughts. Possibilities were running through my mind. Maggie and I could go backstage before the concert. I was sure enough people would remember me that getting back there shouldn’t be difficult. But then what? Could I honestly just show up and expect him to want to see me? And what would I even say to him? Maybe he wouldn’t expect any explanations, and it could be like old times for one day. It wasn’t a good idea, I knew that, but it didn’t stop me from thinking about it. The better option would be to sit in my seat and watch the concert. Maggie wouldn’t know the difference. I had been pretending for twenty months; I could manage to get through that night. But would it hurt if I just went back to say hello to Justin and Ian, avoiding Tim altogether? I missed them too.
My imagination was in overdrive, consumed with constructing scenarios that would never play out. I knew without a doubt, I would never step foot backstage, but it didn’t mean the possibility couldn’t make me happy. The real challenge was choosing an outfit to wear. I wanted to look my best when I stepped into the stadium, something mind blowing. Things may not be the same anymore, but I needed to feel confident when I walked into the arena. If I were going to make it through the concert, I would need to feel on top of the world.
Another shopping trip would be in my near future. Maggie and Luke were shifting my life lately, making me care again. Oh no, Luke. I turned around in my chair, but he had already walked away.
“What is up with you?” Maggie questioned, popping up from the cubicle and watching Luke’s back. “You just completely ignored Luke.” She must have been eavesdropping, a look of disgust on her face. “Al, you should go and apologize.”
“I didn’t mean to ignore him; I’m just overtired. I guess I’m a little too excited about the concert.” I smiled weakly. I would apologize to Luke later, right now I needed to clear my head. We had plans over lunch anyway; I would just make it up to him then.
“I really can’t wait. Three more sleeps.” Maggie popped back down, retaking her seat.
The countdown to the concert was on. Luke was coming over on Thursday night, but other than that he was busy the rest of the week. I was grateful for my clear schedule; I needed to the time to process and prepare.
Thursday night arrived quickly, and although I had taken the past few nights to work through my past and plan for the future, I could have used more time. This upcoming concert was messing with the new life I was building. Luke had insisted on driving me home, picking up Kenzie on the way. It wasn’t surprising, considering we hadn’t spent any time together all week. It had been the longest we had gone without seeing each other in a while.
Luke was busy in the kitchen making supper, and I had taken Kenzie into my bedroom to finish packing for the next day. I wouldn’t have enough time in the morning, and packing while Luke was occupied meant it wouldn’t cut our evening short.
Luke was s
etting dinner out on the table when I finally emerged from my room. He had made my favorite, his version of lasagna with Caesar salad. “Yummy.” My stomach growled loudly, as I buckled Kenzie into her highchair.
“Are you hungry?” He asked, chuckling while pulling out a chair for me.
“Famished,” I replied, taking my seat. Kenzie was picking at the food in her bowl. Luke always remembered to make her dinner with less sauce so wouldn’t be too messy. He took the time to cut her food into small pieces so she could swallow it safely. His bond with Kenzie was growing quickly.
We ate supper quietly, stealing quick glances at each other. Luke was more than I could ever want. He was supportive, responsible, caring and gave so much of himself to Kenzie and me, which made these mixed feelings even worse. It wasn’t fair to Luke, but I couldn’t fight off the emotions and memories that facing tomorrow stirred up. Trying to focus on anything else had been extremely difficult the past few days.
After we had finished supper, Luke washed the dishes while I bathed Kenzie and put her to bed. He was waiting on the couch, as per usual when I came back out. I plopped down beside him.
“Are you excited about tomorrow?” He asked, grabbing the remote off the coffee table.
Excited wouldn’t be the word I would use to describe how I felt. Anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, but not excited. “I guess.” I sighed. “I know I’ve been distracted the past few days.” I rested my back against his chest. “I’m sorry about that.” I was sorry. I felt horrible about ignoring Luke. He had done nothing to deserve my lapse of reality, and having him there with me made me realize how wrong I had been.
“It’s okay.” He reassured, kissing the top of my head. “I’m just happy to be spending time with you, whether you are fully here or not.” He had no idea. “Maggie mentioned how much you liked this group, so it’s understandable that you can’t wait to see them.”
“For sure. I’ve been listening to the band for years.” I was trying to figure out a way to veer this conversation away from Hazed and the concert. I hated how many truths I had already avoided; I didn’t want to add to the pile.
“So, what is about them that you like?” Luke asked, playing with my hair, pulling it out of the loose ponytail.
“Um, their music is incredible. They write their own music, and the lyrics are deep. I find them comforting.” I answered, lying still on his chest, afraid any movement would have exposed how true that was.
“Hmm, I know the feeling.” He kissed the top of my head again, breathing in the scent of my hair. “That’s how I feel about you.”
Could he be any more perfect? He was so patient with me, way more than I deserved. What the hell was I waiting for? I turned toward Luke and kissed him hard. “Do you want to stay the night?” I braved. I didn’t plan on taking our physical relationship to the next level, but I did want him to hold me through the night. I wanted Luke imprinted on my mind and body before we left in the morning. I wanted to remember everything about him, so I wouldn’t be tempted to do anything stupid.
“Are you sure?” Luke cocked his head sideways. He flipped through a few channels on the television, finally settling on a documentary.
“One hundred percent.” I smiled and settled in to watch the show with him. The show was boring, or at least that was my opinion. I could think of a hundred different things to watch or do instead of that, but Luke was enthralled.
“Okay, let’s go to bed,” I announced after the credits finally rolled. He didn’t hesitate, heading straight for my bedroom. I took a pair of cotton pajamas out of my drawer and went into the bathroom to change. Luke stripped down to his boxers and climbed under the covers. His bare chest was mouth-watering, muscular and tanned. I slipped under the blankets to join him.
“You feel so good.” He mumbled, burying his face into my hair. I scooted down to lay my head on his chest, enjoying the hardness. He wrapped one arm wide around me and released a contented sigh. I could feel the tension in his chest, and his heart thumped faster. His hand found my face. He used his index finger to push my chin up, Luke’s lips pressing hard against mine.
What I had expected to be a series of goodnight kisses, grew in intensity. Luke continued to push, his hands finding my skin under my shirt, gripping my hip to pull me in closer. Once realization set in that Luke wasn’t going to stop after a few kisses, my body jerked away in rejection.
“What are you doing?” I demanded, with accusation in my tone. His hands dropped to the waist band of my pajamas, attempting to tug them lower. He pulled me back toward his body, slipping one full hand below the band.
“Ally, I want you more than life itself right now.” He relented, sliding his hand up to my lower back. Relief washed over me as the waist band returned to my skin.
“Luke, I’m just not ready.” I straightened to a seated position, putting distance between our bodies. My hands were shaking.
“I don’t understand.” His eyes were full of hurt. He shifted himself to mirror my position and took my hand in his. “I love you, Ally. I love Kenzie. I want to take our relationship to the next level. I can’t understand why you don’t.”
“Because I’m just not ready.” I awkwardly adjusted my pajamas. He swung his feet over the side of the bed and stood up. I struggled to find the right words. Luke had just told me he loved me. I believed his words, and even more, I believed I could fall in love with him too. I would love him someday. Maybe I already did. “Luke, I love you too.”
“This is ridiculous!” His frustration was evident. He found his jeans and shoved them over his feet. My statement was doing nothing to appease him. “We practically live together for fuck’s sake.” The frustration was turning into anger. We were going to have our first fight.
“What?” I exclaimed, defensively. I was on my feet, on the other side of the bed. “Ridiculous?” My words were so red hot; they were barely making it out of my mouth.
“Yes, ridiculous!”
I was defensive, and my temper took hold. The words were streaming out faster than my brain could process them. “You know what’s ridiculous?” My anger carried me around the bed to stand directly in front of him. I felt my teeth grind together, tightly. “You!” I picked up his shirt and threw it at him. “Why does this have to come down to sex? All you think about is sex!”
“All I think about?” He pulled his shirt over his head. “We have been dating for over three months, and I haven’t pushed for sex once.” I opened my mouth to respond, but his cold words stopped me. “And now, you invite me to spend the night, and still sex is off the table. It’s ridiculous!”
I was furious. “Well, clearly that was a mistake on my part.” My voice had risen a few notches. “I didn’t realize that spending the night together automatically signaled that we’re going to fuck.”
“God, if it wasn’t for Kenzie,” He leaned down until our foreheads were touching. “I would think you were a virgin.”
“Ha!” I pushed away from him. “I’ve probably slept with more people than you ever have.” My hand slapped over my mouth as the words filled the room. It was too late to take them back.
His jaw dropped. “What?”
“Nothing.” I turned my back to him.
“So, it’s true? You don’t even know who Kenzie’s father is?” Luke’s voice was quieter, but the disappointment was clear. The argument was getting out of hand.
“Oh exactly.” I hissed at him. “I guess you really don’t know me at all then, do you?”
“How can I know you? You don’t even know you.” Luke stated, clenching his teeth. “I have been trying to know you better every day for the last three months. You hide behind some imaginary brick wall and no matter how many bricks I think I’ve removed, I can’t get through.” He gripped his hands into fists. “Stop being so god damn scared.”
“Do you want to continue?” I didn’t have a response, not when his words were accurate. I needed this to stop. “Because right now you are saying things that you can’t tak
e back.” Was this the end of our relationship? I didn’t want it to end. Luke was one of the best things that had happened to me after having Kenzie, and he was so much to Kenzie. How could I ruin this? I couldn’t believe we were fighting. Luke always seemed so easy going, and here we were in the middle of a very heated verbal match.
“No. I don’t want to continue.” Luke bowed his head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have said any of it.”
“And neither should I.” I sighed. “I’m sorry too.”
“I don’t care if we have sex.” He closed the space between us, embracing me tightly. “I guess I just have a hard time with it, that’s all. I’m ready to be with you in every possible way, and it’s hard to accept that you just aren’t there yet. Especially since everything is so perfect between us.” He kissed the top of my head. “I’m happy just being with you Ally. I will wait, however long it takes.”
“I just need time Luke. It’s been a while for me. I need time.” Despite Luke’s earlier statement, my emotional wall was breaking apart piece by piece. I was fighting hard to keep it together. “I think you should go home tonight,” I replied, leaning into his chest to assure him that we were okay. “Give us both some time to cool down. We can talk about it when I get back. I would feel better if we had time to think about this on our own first.”
“You’re right, we both need time.” His lips grazed my forehead and his arms released. “I will call you tomorrow. Have fun at the concert, and be safe.” Luke made his way to the living room, turning around before reaching the door. “No, you know what? The last thing we need is time apart.” I lifted my head, making eye contact as he stalked toward me. “If this relationship is going where I think it is, we need to learn to make up after arguments. Tonight is probably the best time for us to spend the night together.” I didn’t protest, just climbed back into bed and let him wrap his arms around me.
Hazed Page 8