by Harms, C. A.
The longer I stood there, the madder I got. I didn’t want his pity or his charity. I wasn’t anyone’s responsibility, and it pissed me off that I now felt indebted to him. I crawled into my car, taking deep calming breaths. I started to drive toward home, but the more time I had to think, the worse my anger became. I remembered I still had his business card, and as soon as I reached my driveway, I dug through my purse to find it.
After I dialed the number I felt a sense of panic and I hung up. What the hell was I going to say to him?
When my phone rang I knew without looking that it was Evan calling me back. I also knew I had to answer, because once it went to voicemail he would know it was me calling him. I took a deep breath…
“Hello.”
I could hear the smile in his voice, and imagined it as I closed my eyes.
“Hello…did you just call me and hang up?”
How in the hell could this man make my heart race? There was something in his voice, his smile and basically his entire being that affected me deeply. I just wanted to attack him, and devour him. I tried to remember that I was mad at him.
“Yes…um sorry. This is Kylie and I was…”
I stopped when I heard him laugh.
“I know who this is. Were you able to pick up your car this morning?” How did he know this was me, I have never called him, and I don’t ever remember giving him my number?
“Yes I picked up my car; that’s actually why I’m calling you. I appreciate what you did, but I have to pay you back. I can’t accept your gift. I don’t like feeling in debt to anyone. I can give you about eight hundred now, and I will pay the rest back to you as soon as I get it.”
The other end of the line was silent for a moment and then he spoke, but this time it was more stern and formal. “There is no need to repay me. It was a gift and I expect nothing in return. Have a nice day Kylie.”
When the line went dead, I felt disappointed. I never meant to hurt his feelings, but I also hated that he spent money on me. I hated that he pitied me, and I would not accept charity from him or anyone else. I grabbed my mail from the PO Box on my way home. I hadn’t yet taken the time to look through it, but when I tossed it onto the table my heart raced. Looking down at the pile of mail thinking to myself, “Could it get any worse?”
The letter jumped out like a neon sign, another letter with no return address. I couldn’t understand why Brad couldn’t tell me where he was, or why he was even gone. I was so confused by his secrecy. If he wasn’t coming back then why the hell keep dragging it out. Just let it all go. I tore the envelope open and unfolded the letter.
Kylie and Emma,
I miss you both, but you are better off without me there. I can’t give you what you need. I’ve made so many mistakes over the last couple of years. Maybe one day I can explain. You both deserve to know why I left. You also both deserve happiness, my being there with you would cause nothing but heartache. I wish I could go back and change the choices I made, but I can’t.
Kylie I know you hate me and I don’t blame you at all, you should. I left you with a baby and a mess to clean up and I’m so sorry. Just remember, I will always love you no matter what happens. I want you to be happy. Smile sweet girl, every chance you get. You have the most amazing smile, and the world should see it.
Love you both very much, Brad
Still no answers, but I had long ago stopped expecting them. It has been one year and four months since he left. It took almost four weeks before he sent the first letter. After that I got a card or letter once or twice a month saying all the same excuses, but never any answers. I still had no idea where he was, or why he even left us.
~Seven~
(Kylie)
It had been almost two weeks since Evan hung up on me. I debated calling him to apologize for being so rude and ungrateful, but I talked myself out of it every time. I mailed a check to the address on his business card three days ago for fifteen hundred. I didn’t like how I had gotten the money to send him. I resorted to things I said I would never do; private dances made me feel so cheap. I could never get clean enough after a private dance. It was nothing like when I danced for Evan that first night. He never made me feel like I do now, dirty and unworthy.
“Hey you want to go for a drink?” Sarah was done with her final dance on stage and I had just finished what I had promised myself would be my last private dance. I finally had the last three hundred to send Evan and then I would forget about him. I had to because lately I was letting him consume my thoughts entirely too much.
“I don’t know Sarah…I think I just want to go home and take a shower. I have an early shift tomorrow at the Café. I know I’ll hate myself in the morning if I go.”
She just rolled her eyes, “Come on girl, you never do anything for you. What’s one drink? Let’s put that fake ID of yours to good use. Before you no longer need it, the big “Twenty One” is almost here.”
I couldn’t resist her smile, she looked so hopeful. I laughed lightly, “Okay, fine. But just one okay, then it is straight home to wash off the nasty feeling from that guy earlier.” She clapped her hands together and squealed as I followed her out.
Over an hour later and on my fourth drink, I was a blubbering idiot. Sarah listened to me go on and on about Brad and Evan. I told her about the letters that I get in the mail, and the way Evan had made me feel. I told her how he had woken something inside of me that had been dormant for so long. I shared my guilt that I felt because of everything that was happening in my life. I knew I should have stopped after one drink.
My phone chirped in my purse and I quickly searched for it. I panicked with the thought of something happening to Emma. Katie would be the only person I could think of that might be trying to reach me. When I looked at the screen my chest tightened. I hadn’t talked to Evan since the day I picked up my car and now he sent me a text at almost two in the morning.
You shouldn’t drink so much, especially when you have to drive home.
My eyes began searching the bar for him. He had to be here. How else would he know I was drinking? “What are you looking for?” Sarah asked as she also began scanning the room.
“He’s here, Evan. He sent me a text, but I don’t see him.” She spun back to face me, but then her eyes shot up over my shoulder and she smiled.
“Are you looking for me?” Evan’s voice was low and sexy. It felt like he was whispering in my ear. The chills that ran down my neck caused me to shiver, but I didn’t turn around. I heard the chair next to me slide back, and I felt his closeness as he slid into it. He brushed a piece of my hair away from my face and tucked it behind my ear. That simple touch caused me to slowly turn toward him. My heart felt as if it was going to beat out of my chest.
Sarah’s chair made a screeching noise as she stood up, “I’m going to give you two some alone time.” Before I could stop her, she was gone. I turned back to face Evan and our eyes immediately connected. He was looking from my eyes to my lips. The things I felt when I was near him made me feel alive for the first time in years. I bit my lip between my teeth. I was feeling really warm all of a sudden and tried to control my breathing. I was nervous and excited all at the same time.
I could tell he was fighting the urge to grin. Evan was doing his best to remain in control. I watched him as he reached into his inside pocket of his jacket. He pulled out a small envelope and slid it across the table to me. I looked down, and then back to meet his gorgeous blue eyes. “What’s that?”
Now he smiled, “That my beautiful girl would be the check you sent me; that I refuse to cash.” He watched my face for a reaction, and I was so relaxed from the drinks I couldn’t form the words I wanted to say. I was sure his closeness wasn’t helping my thoughts either. I could smell his cologne and feel the warmth from his breath. I was fighting the urge I had to scoot closer to him.
“Kylie it was a gift. I meant it when I said I didn’t expect anything from you. I don’t expect any sort of return payment. I wanted to
help…That’s all.” I watched his lips as he spoke. I was almost in a trance as they formed his words. His tone was a low whisper, “I’m not sure what it is, but there is something about you that draws me in. It’s a feeling that I get when I see you. That first night I saw you on stage, I knew you didn’t belong there.” I licked my lips as the heat pooled within me. I was so attracted to him, and having him so close to me, for this amount of time was only making it impossible to avoid. He leaned in closer, and I felt his nose trace my jaw as his lips reached my ear. I could feel his warm breath on my neck as he whispered, “You are so undeniably beautiful. I can’t avoid the fact that I am extremely attracted to you any longer.”
I turned into him and our lips were barely apart. I could feel the heat between us. My eyes dropped to his lips just before I felt them touch mine. Evan’s fingers traced my cheek and ran to the back of my neck tangling into my hair. I was lost in the kiss, the softness of his lips against mine. I felt his tongue run across my lower lip and I immediately brought mine to meet his, inviting him in. Our lips continued to mingle and our tongues danced erotically. I can’t remember being kissed so intensely before in my life.
Romance was never something Brad and I experienced, we were young and immature. Throw an unplanned pregnancy and a trip to the court house to be married into the mix, and there you have our relationship. Evan was so different; he was sexy and mysterious. He was confident and alluring. It felt as if he was trying to taste every inch of my mouth, and I wanted it…All of it. I ran my hands up into his hair and pulled him in closer, as I sucked on the tip of his tongue, causing him to groan. I felt like crawling into his lap and holding him close.
We slowly pulled away from the kiss and I felt breathless. I watched his lips as he ran his tongue over the lower one. A small grin spread across them. “That was even better than I imagined it would be.” I couldn’t shake the desire I felt for him. Evan had just aroused a part of me that I forgotten was there.
“Yes, that was nice,” I replied breathless.
He laughed lightly, “Nice huh? I was hoping for more than just nice. Are you trying to wound me?” He was watching me, and the desire was continuing to build inside of me. I tore my eyes from his lips, and looked into his baby blues which only added to the need I felt. I shook my head lightly, and looked at my hands in my lap. I needed to focus, and I couldn’t do it while watching him.
After I took a few deep breathes, I was calm enough to speak. “Evan, it was so much more than just nice. I don’t think anyone has ever kissed me like that. I also know that I’m attracted to you, but right now I can’t give into that feeling. There are so many things in my life you don’t know, and I can’t go there at the moment. I have Emma to think about; right now my needs must come last. I am so sorry but I just can’t.” I expected for him to get upset.
When I looked up into his eyes, his expression was so soft and sweet. He traced my lower lip with his thumb sending chills through my body, and I fought the need to shiver. “I don’t want to rush you, or make you feel uncomfortable with me. I just want you to know that I would like to get to know you better, and I realize that Emma is part of that package. I’m more than willing to take this as slow as we need to, but now that I have kissed you…You can’t possibly expect me not to want to do it again and again…and again.” The smile on his face was the cutest smile, and it made me laugh. “Let me take you to dinner, both of you.”
I watched him as he waited for my answer. Both of us, did he have any idea what dinner out with a child her age was like? There was absolutely nothing romantic about it, in fact it was a disaster waiting to happen. “You really don’t want to take us to dinner. Emma tends to throw a fit when she is forced to sit too long.” I tried to keep from looking directly into his eyes.
“How does a picnic in the park sound then, tomorrow afternoon, around one? I can bring the food, you just need to bring Emma.” He looked so hopeful.
Once our eyes connected, I knew I could no longer deny that I wanted to spend more time with him. “Okay, a picnic sounds great,” I couldn’t help returning the smile that he held when I agreed to meet him. His gorgeous smile was contagious.
~Eight~
(Kylie)
I finished my shift at the Café and quickly picked Emma up from Daycare. I had jumped into the shower while she sat on the bathroom floor playing with her toys. I was so nervous about meeting Evan today; my stomach was swarming with flutters. After I finished with my hair, I got both Emma and I dressed. I stood in front of the mirror questioning my choice of outfit. After deciding that I was being over dramatic, because this man had already seen me topless, I stopped my inner battle. I grabbed Emma’s bag and we went to meet Evan.
Once we pulled into the park I saw him. He was leaning against the side of a black SUV. How many vehicles did one guy need? When I parked in the empty space beside him, he reached out and opened my door. “Hey beautiful.” Every time he called me that my heart literally swelled within my chest, and my pulse would race. He actually made me feel beautiful.
“Hi,” that was all I could manage to say. Once I looked into his eyes, I lost my train of thought. He grinned at me, which once again caused my heart to race. He helped me from the car and after I got Emma out, he took her bag. We walked to the spot he had already picked out. When he said picnic he wasn’t kidding. Evan had gone all out. He had fruits and salads, sandwiches and dessert. He had even brought juice for Emma, which melted my heart knowing he thought about her. We laughed and talked as Emma played in the grass with her ball.
“So tell me something about you Kylie, anything.” I looked up meeting his gorgeous eyes and for a moment I couldn’t speak. He smiled, causing me to smile in return.
“There really isn’t much to say Evan. I’m pretty simple.”
Evan reached out and traced my leg with the tip of his finger. “You are definitely not simple Kylie. You are so much more than just simple.” Staring into one another’s eyes I could feel the desire pooling between us. His gaze dropped to my lips and he slowly began to lean toward me. Evan’s lips barely touched mine as Emma started to whine.
I pulled back quickly and we both looked in her direction. I could tell she was getting sleepy because she kept rubbing her eyes. “Come here baby girl,” she crawled into my lap and curled into me. I rubbed her cheek until her eyelids became heavier and she slowly drifted to sleep.
When I looked up I saw Evan watching me closely. “You’re amazing…and beautiful. I had a great time with both of you today.” He brought his hand forward and ran his fingers over my knee. Looking up into my eyes he continued, “Kylie all I do is work and travel. I’ve missed out on a lot of things. I’m a twenty six year old man that has spent every moment since college working my ass off for my father. I never allowed myself anything more than that. I had the freedom to do whatever, whenever I chose. I never thought about what it would be like to have that one special person to share things with.” He laughed lightly, “I know that sounds like such a cliché, some cheesy line that a man gives a woman to weed his way in, but it isn’t. I enjoy your company, and like I said before, there is something about you that draws me closer to you. I want to spend more time with you.”
His finger continued tracing my knee and I felt relaxed. It was weird how comfortable I felt with his touch. I knew I needed to tell him about Brad. “Evan I need you to know some things about me, about my life; things that could possibly make you second guess your desire to spend time with me.” He was watching me.
We were both startled by his phone ringing in his pocket. He quickly looked at it appearing frustrated at the incoming call, “I’ve got to take this…I’m sorry.” I nodded at him, and he answered the call with a short “Yes”. He had stood and wandered a few feet away from our spot in the grass. I could see the tension in his shoulders, and hear that his voice was stern. He seemed angry at the phone conversation.
When he finished he didn’t come right back, instead he stood with his back to m
e. His fingers were laced behind his head as he looked at the ground. After a few minutes he turned, and walked in my direction.
When he reached our spot he sat down close to my side, instead of across from me. He brushed my hair away from my shoulders and placed a light kiss on my exposed skin. I let my eyes close as he placed another soft kiss on my neck just below my ear, before whispering, “I wish I didn’t have to leave…but I do.”
I turned to face him looking into his eyes. “It’s okay, I understand you’re busy.” He brought his lips to mine for a soft slow kiss, and then rested his forehead against mine. I could see the grin spread across his lips.
“I have never hated my job once, until this moment. There was a fire at one of our facilities and I have to go handle it. I could be gone a few days or longer. Promise me when I return, I’ll be able to see you again.”
Why was this man still single? He was so adorable and kind…sexy and alluring. Of course I wanted to see him again. I wanted so much more than that, but I had one thing holding me back. I was still married. “Just call me when you return and we’ll see.” It was the only response I could come up with, as I fought with myself about the feelings I had toward another man.
Evan kissed me once more, “I plan on calling you long before that. This is going to prove to be one of the longest trips I’ve ever had to go on. I wish I didn’t have to go, but I’ll see you when I return…that’s a promise.”