by Bri Stone
“Well...what are you in for?” She sighed. She was partially paying attention to her phone at the same time I checked the time. Thom should be here any minute.
“Forensic Pathology.”
She laughed. “Must suck to do all this just for your all your patients to be dead people.”
“Story of my life; you?”
“Orthopedics. Bones are my things, always have been.” She looked off past me, there must be a story to that.
“That guy you hang around with, the one everyone is in love with?” She started, and I stifled a grin.
“Yeah, Thom.” I swallowed. The mention of his name makes me flutter.
“Is he your boyfriend? Since we’re best friends now, I’m obligated to shut any bitch up that swoons over him.”
I laughed from my gut as my eyes watered. So much about that sentence was funny.
“My best friend, huh? And not really, we’ve been friends for about a year but...tomorrow is our first date.”
Her face scrunched up as she smiled, “yeah. You’re the lucky one in this relationship...and he has shit game if it took him a year.”
I giggled. The real kicker is it felt like I could tell her anything. Nothing about Melinda screams that she’s untrustworthy. Besides, Thom can’t be my only friend in med school, and Clem psychoanalyzes me too much. I could use another friend.
“It’s my fault—he asked me out when we first met last year, and I said no. But he never gave up. I finally agreed a few days ago. I was focused on school.” I used my excuse greatly hated by my sister. Melinda’s perfectly lined lips hinted at a smile as her brows furrowed.
“So...he’s in love with you.”
She didn’t pose it as a question and the words hung over me like a sword. The table seemed to sway as my chair felt like it was stuck in jelly.
Why did that scare me so much? I dismissed every thought of it I ever got, but once she said it the possibility was too real, in some way. All the resistance, the walls I put up seemed nonexistent. Love isn’t in the plan. Love isn’t what I signed up for.
But when is it ever?
Forgetting about Thom, I thought of myself. Was I? I said it was ridiculous, that we hadn’t even kissed. Kisses don’t make you fall in love. The inside jokes we had, the long nights we spent studying together, the memories we have... that’s what makes a connection. And we had it.
I was staring down at the empty yogurt cup on the table. Frozen. Because I was right back to where I was a year ago.
“Hey, Sparkle.” I felt Thom before he was there, but the usual soothing feeling was clouded by my sudden bane.
He sat down, throwing his arm around my shoulder like he always does. In the back of my mind I heard him introduce himself to Melinda. The front of my mind was focused on how good he made me feel, just by touching me. How I felt every fiber of his arm on my bare skin in my camisole. I inhaled his scent like a lifeline; the cinnamon, fresh soap, and mint. It occurred a while ago that the undertone I couldn’t place was mint. He eats fresh mint to keep the bad taste of his medicine out of his mouth.
He scooted his chair closer to me, so our thighs were touching, and I softened against him.
I returned from my thoughts in the middle of their conversation.
“You’re very pretty. I’m not hitting on you though, I know you’re taken.” Melinda held her hands up in defense, the rings on every other finger glinting under the light.
“Thanks, you’re cute too.” Thom grinned and glanced at me, but it wasn’t like I minded.
“Cute? I’m drop dead gorgeous. And I have to go.” She scribbles her number out on my napkin and then takes her leave as she waves.
“She’s insane.” Thom laughed as he joked.
I smiled halfway as he turned to face me. He rubbed the nape of my neck soothingly and my eyes closed for a moment before I looked back into his eyes. Bright and gray, they knew me better than anyone.
“You okay?” He licked his lips softly.
“I’m fine. Just tired.” I shrugged, feigning a more convincing smile.
“We can have coffee before we eat.” He suggested.
I rubbed my hands on my jeans and shook my head. “That’s okay. Can we just order in?”
He smiled softly, “sure.” He hadn’t bought my excuse and I could see it in his eyes.
Why did he have to know me so well? And why did I have to be such a...a case? One word from someone I just met has sent me into full panic mode and I have no clue how to relieve myself. Even if those feelings aren’t necessarily there, I still know he likes me. I like him—a lot. and it’s getting to be even closer to that big fat word.
One date might just push me over the edge.
He makes me feel.
Desire.
Adoration.
Sometimes rage because he is smarter than me in so many ways. Irritation because he can be annoying; only in the cutest ways. I feel everything and for some reason it isn’t allowed. Not since mom died. Not since I froze.
I went to the trash can to toss my snacks. Thom waited with my bag in his hand, sometimes he would carry it for me too, but I took it from him and walked ahead of him. He didn’t say anything to me until we were in his Jeep peeling away from the building.
“Did you have a bad day or something?”
I shook my head, “No. Nothing like that. How was your day?” I tried to make my voice chipper and happy, but it only came out strained.
“Um, tiring. What do you want to eat?”
He had aimlessly driven a few blocks with no destination. I saw a Panda Express and went with that. He pulled in through the drive thru. I relayed my order and we were stuck behind three cars. He put his Jeep in park and looked at me, eyes intense and smoldering. Why does he have to be so damned beautiful? The sun wasn’t quite as high so it cast a glow over him, his tanned skin and light brown, dirty blond locks lit up.
His seatbelt pulled his gray Henley down, exposing the ridge of muscle on his clavicle. My eyes appreciated the light denim wrapping his muscular thighs but stopped short of his crotch.
“You’re so tense.” He reached out and touched the back of my neck, lightly rubbing me there. When he had to pull up his hand rested slightly on my arm, we were one car away now.
“I think we all are.” I giggled once nervously. Mostly I was distracted by how hot and heavy his hand felt on me.
“True...” his brows furrowed, and his hand left me. Now I felt cold and empty.
There was no denying how I felt. Just avoiding it.
We pulled up to the window and I searched in my bag for my wallet, but he already handed his card over.
“Ugh, why do you always do that?” I asked him. I think I had only paid for myself like five times when I was with him.
“I think it would be more complicated to split it, Perrie.” He takes his card back from the cashier. “Just imagine; we’re coming up to the window and he reads the total out, all of a sudden, we say no, ‘split it.’” I start laughing at his animation. “And he has to go back and split it in half, meanwhile we’re holding up the line. It’s just too much.” He clutched his chest and feigned being overwhelmed. My giggles turn to a full-on laugh with him and we’re so distracted we don’t notice our food being handed to us.
“Oh, sorry.” Thom laughs again and takes the food. The guy just stares at us like we’re crazy and then we drive away.
The radio played quietly in the background as we drove to my apartment. He parks on the side street and follows me up. I used to wonder frantically if the place was clean before I let him inside, but as I got more comfortable around him I just got used to it. It’s never extremely messy, of course; just dishes in the sink and clothes fighting the drawers of the dresser. I didn’t have the time to tidy everything up all the time, because I was always in and out the door from school.
We walked inside, and he set the food on my makeshift dining table. The place was a studio, but I put up a retractable wall to hide the bedroom from the kitchen and
living area. The only thing justifying the living area was my large green sectional and wooden coffee table. My dad got all my furniture as a gift when I was accepted here, including the flat screen I rarely even use. I decorated somewhat, just random pin ups and a green tapestry on the back wall. I had a flower pot on the window pane, but it was always nearly dying. The kitchen had dark counters and white appliances, and all my dishes were a worn black color. Thom once made fun of me for only having two pots and one pan, but it was all I needed. But in the entire year we knew each other, I hadn’t been to his place yet. I lived closer to the school, so we just always ended up here.
“We never go to your place.” I said aloud. I stood at the other end of the counter as he got dishes out of the cabinet. He knew where everything was.
He glanced at me as he separated the food. He doesn’t like eating out of or with, plastic.
“Hm, I never thought of that.”
I thought of what Melinda said again. Thom has feelings for me, as I do him, but how deep do they go? Have I pushed him away for too long? I was worried our date would have nothing there—no excitement or spark. It was absurd to think, because I felt something when I simply thought of him. When he is around, like right now, the room closes in and nothing else exists but us.
“Do you not want me there?” I leaned forward, clasping my fingers together as I wrung them out nervously.
He stopped what he was doing and looked at me. He narrowed his eyes as he cocked his head to the side, “Yeah I do.”
I swallowed a lump. “So why do we always come here?” I shrugged my shoulder, trying to seem like I wasn’t bothered by it. I don’t think I was, I think I was deflecting whatever was going on in my head.
“Uh, because,” he crosses his left arm over to scratch his jaw, “my place is...sterile.”
“Like boring?” I screwed my face up and he chuckled softly.
“No, like hospital sterile. I don’t even like being there that much.” He shrugged and continued taking the food from the containers.
“Oh. How so?” I asked, curious now. He ran his tongue inside his cheek, as he always does when he’s thinking.
“The air is really clean, because I always change the filters. Well, someone comes in and changes them. And a cleaning service comes every three days, so there is never any dust around. Reminds me too much of a clinic.”
I widened my eyes, “Doesn’t it bother you being here?” I gestured to my place. I honestly didn’t know when last I cleaned.
“No,” he laughed, “if it does I just use my inhaler.” He explained.
Since that first day, I had only ever seen him use it a few times, and it was nothing serious. I didn’t know if it was just him; but it never bothered me when he used it, in fact it just made him seem sexier in a way that was more approachable. Thom accepted his flaws and ran with them, not many people can do that.
“I’m going to change.” I escaped behind my bedroom door.
Once inside, I leaned on my wall and took a deep breath. I was torn. I wanted to go on that date, but I’m more afraid it will not go well. Why can’t I just be normal? I haven’t let anyone in since mom, my ex-boyfriend and what happened with him was not my brightest moment.
I peeled off my clothes and changed into my gray lounge shorts and white vee neck. I let my hair down and padded to the bathroom. I leaned over the sink, splashing water on my warm face. I was thinking too much again. Staring back at myself in the mirror, I told myself to get it together. My nipples showed through my shirt, but it would take so much energy to put a bra on. I stopped and thought of Thom. Of how much I do want him. In more ways than one.
When I walked back out, and he paused mid-bite to stare at me, I knew he wanted me too. Not just at that moment, but before too. Sometimes he would look at me with dark eyes and tick his jaw. He’d crack his neck to relieve tension and play it off with a sly smile. I sat down next to him and the sharpest knife couldn’t cut the sexual tension in the air.
“I got you tea.” He graveled.
“Thanks.”
We sat on the couch and he turned the television onto Netflix. We were all caught up with Once Upon a Time and had moved on to House of Cards a few months before. We ate in relative silence, but I didn’t finish my food. In fact, I barely ate half.
“What’s going on, Perrie?” Thom finished and turned his head to look at me.
I sighed, staring ahead at the television. “Nothing.” I couldn’t tell him the truth. That I was closing in on myself because I thought he was in love with me, and that I had no proof at all.
“Perrier.” He deadpans, knowing I’m lying.
I had nothing to say. Nothing that made any sense. I bit my lip nervously and turned to face him. He met my eyes with an intensity that rocked my core. His gaze drifted down to my chest, he ticked his jaw as he followed his gaze down my legs and back to my face. I swallowed audibly, and his eyes met mine again.
“I can’t make our date tomorrow.” The words flowed before my brain could catch up. But they were already out there. Clem is calling me a dumb bitch from afar.
“What? Why?” He searched my eyes. I took a shaky breath, there was no way he would believe me anyway.
“I have to go visit my dad. I forgot I already booked the ticket. I remembered earlier today.” I nearly crossed my fingers to hope it was convincing enough.
“Oh.” His face fell, and my heart swelled at his obvious disappointment. What was I doing?
It was too late to take it back. “Yeah, I’m sorry. Another time?”
“Yeah. Of course.” He turns back to the television and crosses his arms. The silence dragged for five minutes.
“I’m going to head out.” He stood up, his voice dejected.
My eyes burned with the threat of tears. He always stays for at least a few hours, no less than three episodes. My head dropped in shame; from hurting him and especially for lying. I should have just told him the truth.
“O-okay.” I didn’t say anything as he took the plates and set them in the sink.
I stood up to walk him out, pausing awkwardly behind him as he grabbed his bag.
“Goodnight.” I said softly. He turned around and smiled at me sadly, it was almost apologetic. He didn’t have anything to be sorry for, it was me that was horrible.
“Goodnight.” He returned.
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I stared up at him; his solidity. Thom wasn’t just handsome. Hot or sexy wasn’t an accurate description. He was built in his own way, and no one could match the carved, spectacular mountain forged from genuity and intelligence that was Thom.
I reached out to hug him, my arms wrapping around his solid waist and clutching up at his shoulders. His left arm held his bag as the other wrapped around my shoulder, after a second, he rested his cheek against mine. I wanted to step closer to him, so that our bodies were aligned. But the press of his solid chest against my breasts was enough to build an ache inside of me. When I released him, it was like a part of me was gone. The look he gave me was wrenching—he knew I was lying. But he still left.
What did I expect?
With a dejected sigh I moved back to the living room to clean up. Then I bundled myself in my purple plush blanket and called Clem, even though I knew she wouldn’t answer. Fridays were her busy days, running status reports and organizing case files. But I had to talk to someone. After deliberation I remembered the person who inadvertently started this whole thing.
“I knew you couldn’t wait to call me!” Melinda blared through my phone.
“Yeah, well. I’m not very fond of you right now.” My chipped fingernails fidgeted with my blanket.
“Oh god, line up! What is it?”
“You remember the guy from earlier today? Thom.”
“Uh huh, Hunk M.D.”
“What?” I screwed up my face.
“That’s what we call him, we as in all the females in the entire program. So, what about him?”
I st
arted from the beginning as best I could, with her joke about him being in love with me and how it sent me into full panic mode. Even the parts from a year ago that I am still coming to terms with, and the last relationship that I royally fucked up. It took nearly an hour.
“Who knew you would be my in-house entertainment? This is some drama...anyway, look. You can’t lie about shit, that’s number one. And two, don’t lie. It makes shit so much harder. Three—”
“I think I get it!” I interjected.
“Good,” I heard the smile in her voice, “I don’t know him, but I know he doesn’t deserve dishonesty, so you should just tell him how you feel. Plus, since you lied about your dad I demand you hang up and call him now!”
“I’m going home for Thanksgiving.”
“Still. If I could lie about seeing my parents, ha! That’d be the day.” There was a sadness in her voice she didn’t want me to ask her about.
“You’re right. Thanks.”
“No problem. I want a status report later, I don’t have a bedtime.”
“Will do. Bye.”
The words were off my chest, but they still hung heavy. I lied to Thom, pushed him away again, and I wasn’t sure if that time I really did it. I won’t ever forget the look he gave me as he left, he knew I was lying but didn’t want to believe it. He was fighting not to and lost.
I followed Melinda’s prescription and called my dad, it wasn’t late enough he would be asleep, but I still wasn’t sure what time zone he was even in.
“Baby girl, you’re calling me?” He answers on the fourth ring with his usual, happy voice.
“Yes.” I smiled wide, as if nothing was wrong.
My dad and I were very close, we all were, especially since mom was gone.
“Are you in trouble? You need money?” He jokes.
“Dad, it is not that rare that I’m calling you.” I rolled my eyes.
He sighed, “I know, I know. I miss you, baby girl. How are you up there all alone? Hope you aren’t surfing too much.”
“Dad, I’m fine. And you have to stop saying that, it’s like people saying we get around on horses back down in Texas.” He hadn’t stopped making that joke since I chose my school.