by Bri Stone
“Did you love her?”
He laughs to himself. He cocks his head to look at me. “Yeah, I loved her. I still do. Haven’t loved anyone since I met her.”
I smile to myself. I grew up thinking mom deserved a special guy, and when I told her she only said she had me. I wish things had worked out for them. I wish they had their happy ending.
“But your middle name was all me, that came later. You remember your mom was against them?”
I nod, because she didn’t have one.
“Alexander was my grandfather. And he was amazing. Best man I ever met.”
I smile softly, finally knowing where my middle name came from.
“Why did you give me your last name?”
He smiles and nods once. “You remember that year I showed up for Fathers’ Day?”
I nod.
“And you said you were my family, even if we weren’t blood. I wanted to tell you so much, but I promised your mother I wouldn’t, and I had to do at least one thing right. When she died, I still wanted to keep it. But I wanted to really be your family, for as much as you knew. So that’s why I suggested it, and I was so glad you agreed. Plus, the Edwards name is a heavy hitter now, so you lucked out.”
We laugh together, and I notice what Perrie was saying. A similar laugh, similar look. From my eyes growing up, I just tried to be like Stan all the time. Looking like him, acting like him was the goal. I never knew I was born just like him. It’s wild.
“Wow.” I say mostly to myself. “I’m sorry for how I acted when you told me, I know that was hard for you.”
“It’s fine. I expected worse.”
I shrug. “That wouldn’t be possible. I mean, you gave me a lot. And you were there when I needed you, you still are.” I tell him honestly. He looks almost bashful as he combs his hair back.
“So, you sure Perrie is up for this?”
I shake my head. “No. But I want to do what I can. I think it will help her put things in perspective.”
His face softens as he looks at me. He touches me and that feeling I always got and couldn’t explain makes sense now, a touch between a father and his son is impossible to ignore. “I don’t know if I can handle losing you. When Alice died... you have to fight this. You have to beat it.” He takes me into a hug, and I know it’s so I won’t see him cry, and I hug him back.
“I’ll try... Dad. I’ll try.”
Chapter Thirty-Six: Thom
Perrie bites her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. It was hard enough to get her out of the car, but even now it’s hard just to get her to stay.
“There is a wide selection to choose from, but of course you can have something custom made if you want.” The funeral director is a rotund, somehow cheery black man with wiry glasses and a shiny bald head. It seems a little stereotypical, but it’s true. He owns the place with his wife, and it was the first one I found when I went looking.
One of the things I wish I did with mom was be prepared. Stan was the only reason I was able to get everything together when she passed, otherwise I would have been confused and on my own. Her life insurance sits in a saving account, and Stan took care of the funeral.
“Custom made?” I ask him.
Perrie sighs and grips my hand tighter. I smile down at her and her eyes only widen in response.
“Yes. From wood selection, to interior lining... you can choose everything.”
I nod once. “Thanks.”
“Let me know if you have any questions.” He hobbles off to attend to someone else.
The room itself is set up like a furniture shop, with caskets and flower arrangements lined up. Sunlight came in through the windows, setting Perrie under its glow. But her frown didn’t match the glow at all.
“You okay?” I ask her.
“I don’t know. This is...weird.” Her whisper is harsh.
“It’s not weird. Lots of people do this, especially with a diagnosis like mine.”
She pulls her hand from mine and crosses her arms in front of herself. Her lips purse as she surveys the open casket and runs her fingers along the cream inseam of the black box. I take a deep breath and let her thoughts run their course.
“I had a few patients that did this when their conditions got worse.” I tell her.
“I guess I just always see the... end of it.” She blows out a breath that makes her lips part. “Okay, so... what do you want?” She swallows, and I see how hard it is for her. It’s etched across her features.
“I want to be cremated.”
Her neck whips as her eyes turn to daggers, “really? Why?”
I chuckle uneasily. “I don’t know. So, I don’t get body snatched, maybe.” It makes her smile only slightly.
Her tongue darts across her lips as she clears her throat, and she steps closer to me. My gaze fleets from her face to her exposed chest in her vee neck sweater, the hollow of her collar bone and swell of her breasts calls to me like a siren, and it’s easy for my body to react to her. It’s hard to imagine not being able to, no matter how weak I feel. Though I do feel okay, I mostly just feel like I haven’t had a good night’s sleep.
“Do you want to keep your ashes somewhere too?” She asks hesitantly, like she is forcing herself to play along.
I know that she is, but I also know she wouldn’t do it if she didn’t love me.
“A fancy jar. Maybe I can put it in your necklace.” I lift the love knot end of her necklace. She started wearing it again a few weeks ago. My fingers brush against her skin as I do.
“That’d be cool.” She looks down and whispers. “Or in a ring.” She glances up at me.
I hadn’t talked to her about the ring yet, but I wanted to. “I have your ring.”
Her cheeks darken, and she looks down at her white converse covered feet. “It’s still mine?” Her giggle is uneasy.
“Yes... now that you know of my lame efforts to push you away.” I close the space between us and brush my fingertips over her wrist.
She smirks, but with a question in her eyes. “Do you wish it worked? I mean... how do you feel since it didn’t work?”
I chuckle nervously. “Well, it did for about three years. The worst years of my life, second to when my mom was sick. But I don’t whether to be glad you’re here because you have to suffer through this with me.”
“I’m not suffering.” She murmurs.
I say cautiously, “I hear you sometimes, when you think I’m asleep and you’re crying. I hate that you’re in pain.”
Perrie tears her gaze from mine and her throat bobs as she swallows. Instead of saying whatever is on her mind, her arms just find themselves around my waist and her cheek presses to my shoulder. I inhale her sweet scent and let her warmth surround me as I hold her close to me.
The rest of the day exists under a cloud. Perrie is half there, forcing herself to humor me, I think. I know it’s hard for her, and I wish things were different but all I learned was to stay ahead of the hands we’re dealt.
I take her to dinner and we head back to my place after agreeing to. She didn’t work Sundays either, and after that case died down, she got a little more free time. But I just didn’t want her work to be affected because of me.
I stayed out of my place for a little bit since I was indifferent towards Stan, but I also just wanted to ease back into things on Perrie’s terms. That meant staying over at her place, letting her take the lead.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Perrie and I are at my dining table; she’s looking over some case files while I’m reviewing research topics.
I stopped operating a few weeks ago and look at patients on a case basis. Things like heart tumors and heart disease came my way, and I tried to figure out non-surgical approaches to treat them. It’s the very early phases of a possible research project, but I was still looking at things realistically. It would probably never make it out of my head.
“Just thinking...”
“About how pretty I am?” She arches her lef
t brow, and it makes her dimple deepen.
“Cocky much?”
She gives me a look and I sigh. “I was just thinking about you, how forgiving you are. Especially after everything I did... what hurt the most afterward was the thought I had lost you forever. It hurt to lie to you, but even more that you had to believe me.”
Perrie nods slowly, letting my words sink in. The only sound in the room is of her clicking her pen in and setting it down. “The only way I could... start trying to be normal again was to forgive you and then try to forget you. Something always told me that the whole thing was a bit off, I guess the part of me that always loves you did that. When I saw you again...? I thought for sure you hated me. That you really didn’t love me anymore—it hurt but I still couldn’t imagine life without you, I was willing to do whatever it took. And I still am. I guess the tables turned between us.”
Her lips curl into a sad smile as she takes my hand across the table. I kiss the back of her hand before I release her. We finish up our work, and go lounge in bed for a bit, but she falls asleep. I hold her left hand in mine, tracing her palm and the soft skin of her fingers. I think over it long and hard before I get up and retrieve the small box from under my dresser.
The ring looks perfect on her, even as she is asleep. Her little snorts tell me she is still deep in sleep. My heart races at the thought of her waking up to see it, and I decide to hide in the kitchen until she does.
About an hour later, I hear her shuffling around in the room before she comes back out. She stands in the doorway, her hair disheveled as she stares at me blankly. I swallow nervously and make my way over to her. The closer I get, the more I see the glistening of tears in her eyes.
“I didn’t get to do this right, even the first time.”
Her eyes are full of questions before I drop to one knee in front of her, then she whimpers as she mouths to herself.
“I still have your letter.” She giggles.
“You didn’t burn it?” I take her hand and watch the ring shimmer. It still looks the same, still matches her necklace... but it means so much more now.
“No... I kept everything.” She whispers, looking into my eyes.
I remember everything I’ve given her over the years we were together; birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines’ day and just because’s... I didn’t think she would get rid of them, but I couldn’t be sure.
“Well, this is yours. If you still want it. If you still want to marry me someday.” I hold her hand in both of mine.
She reaches for it, but her pause makes my heart seize, and not in the normal ‘I can’t breathe’ way.
“It’s just... we went looking at caskets today, Thom. And filed your will. I thought you were set on ‘being realistic.’” She makes air quotes.
I frown as I nod slowly. “I know, and I am. But we can still have hope; hope that doesn’t hurt.” I laugh once. “This is hope.” I hold up her finger. Her eyes light up and it makes me exhale with relief.
Her peachy lips spread over her pearly white teeth as she starts to sparkle. It’s hard to digest that I ever took that from her, but even harder to imagine that I can be the one to bring it back.
“Of course, I still want to marry you.” She looks down at her hand. “It still fits.” She sounds shocked.
“Perfect.” I kiss her knuckles and hold her hand in mine.
Her lips meet mine, and she smiles as I kiss her softly. I cup her face and deepen the kiss, so my tongue brushes over hers and she sighs against me. She pulls away for a breath and I kiss her once more.
I press my forehead to hers as she looks down at the ring. “This is hope... I really want to marry you someday. And have our honeymoon in Mexico.”
We laugh together. We’ve been wanting to go since med school, and I really want to make it there too. I just couldn’t stop seeing my situation in the same light as mom’s. It’s hard not to, especially as a doctor now, it’s hard to ignore the facts. A knock on the door interrupts us, and I know it as Melinda. Her flight was delayed so we expected her around now.
Perrie kisses me again before she hops up to answer the door. I sit on the ground and enjoy the view of her ass in those tight jeans she has on. There is a short bout of their squeals once she opens the door. I can barely see them until they round the corner and Melinda gasps when she sees me.
“Oh no, did you pass out?” She shrieks.
I laugh. “No, I just got done proposing. You have impeccable timing.” I gesture to Perrie, who blushes only slightly as she shows off her ring. I don’t recall if Melinda had seen it before.
“Oh wow, this is beautiful. So, the test results were good then? I thought it was tomorrow.” Melinda asks, and both Perrie and I are lost for words.
Melinda looks between us and puts it together before clearing her throat and changing the subject.
“Where’s the bathroom in this fancy place?” Melinda drops her duffel bag and takes off her blue blazer. Underneath she has on a black tank tucked into jeans with a huge buckle belt on.
I point her in the right direction. The place isn’t that fancy—but I guess that’s subjective of me to say. It’s an upscale penthouse with a panoramic window view off the living room and modern finishes.
Perrie helps me up and I take off my cap. It starts to itch sometimes.
“Your hair is growing back.” She scratches a part of my head only she can see.
“Maybe I should let it.” I scratch behind my ear.
“It will look weird for a little bit.” She giggles and heads to the kitchen. After she opens the fridge, she discovers there’s nothing there.
“I’ll order her favorite.” I say, referring to Melinda.
“She’ll like that.” Perrie picks up her bag and heads to the guest room with it.
The food comes, and we eat together, Melinda catches us up on her work. I always knew she was a bad ass, but meeting the president? It’s cool shit. She evades talk of my treatment and my test tomorrow for the rest of the night too. We make plans for the next day; about when we’ll leave and head to the hospital.
Perrie and I shower together, as we do almost every night. I take extra time washing her hair, with her back leaning against my front as I do so. I wash and rinse twice before she turns to me and kisses me, releasing my lips as she sucks.
“I’m so scared.” Her hands grip my arm as her forehead presses on mine.
I kiss the corner of her mouth before I shake my head. “Don’t be scared, baby.”
Her breath hitches, “I can’t lose you.” She bites her lip to try and hold back tears, but everything she has been holding in all day is too much for her as her sobs break free.
“Shh, baby.” I kiss her ear. “It will be fine.” I grip the flesh of her back, sliding down to her hips with her body slick by the water.
She chokes out another sob as she leans up to kiss me, and I kiss her back. Her breasts pillow against my chest and I can’t keep my body from reacting. She gasps into my mouth before she pulls away.
“Do you feel okay?” Her voice is needy, and I rasp under my breath in response.
I nod once, “I don’t care if I pass out, I need you.”
Her eyes stay locked on mine as I sit down on the built-in bench of the shower. She moves closer and I prompt her to raise her leg outside of mine. I kiss the crook of her knee and bring her sex closer to me as I kiss up her smooth leg. Her clit throbs under my lips and she cries out when I lap at her hot flesh. Her hands steady on my shoulders as she grinds against me.
“I need you inside me.” She pleads.
As good as she tastes, I need to be inside her too. She straddles my lap; her hand grips my cock and I harden until it damn near hurts before she slides over me. I let her take the lead until she takes all of me, then her lips lock on mine as her hips move. Her sex clenches, and she drives deeper every time. I feel the desire in my spine as she takes me, every inch of me is consumed by her. There isn’t a cell in my body that doesn’t scream for her, a
nerve in my body that doesn’t fell her. She is everything in me, and around me, and I need her to breathe. I need her to live.
I palm her breasts before my lips go to her chest. I suckle the skin of her collarbone, moving down to devour the flesh of her breasts. I suck her nipple until she cries out, one than the other, and then I move back to her lips for a searing kiss before I pull away to breathe. I nip at the flesh of her jaw, feel her groans grow deeper and closer together. I hold the small of her back with my right hand as she steadies her hand on the wall behind my head. I take a breath, a moment to make sure I don’t get lightheaded as she kisses my jaw.
My other hand goes to her clit, I use my thumb to rub against her and feel her grip me even tighter. I watch the desire etch across her face as each stroke brings her closer and closer.
“God, I love you Perrier, I love you so fucking much.” I grunt, my breath catching as I feel my orgasm in my core. But I need to watch her come first.
“I love you too.” She whispers, bites her lip and then moans loudly as she comes.
Her breasts swell, and I feel her clit throb under my thumb. Her hips roll forward a few more times as she rides out her climax, her breath lowering to slight whimpers.
I grip her hips to still her against me as I come. It drives all the energy out of my body as I bury my head in her chest. As I empty myself inside her, I feel her heart beat against my cheek as I nestle between her breasts. I hold her to me, feeling every end of our embers twist together. We need each other so badly, it’s impossible to ignore, and we don’t even have to say the words.
The only sound remaining is the fall of the shower stream and our panting as we catch our breath. I keep her in my arms for as long as I can. As she falls asleep in my arms in bed, I garnish the thought of ever leaving her and tear it from my mind.
I can’t do it.
No matter what news I get tomorrow, I know I have to fight for her. For a life with her; to marry her and love her forever. The hope for us has to beat cancer. It has to.