I can still picture her face. Her smile faded and she looked at me, a frown stitching her forehead together slightly. Like a fool, I just stood there. Randy was laughing and I was speechless. Her eyes faded into confusion and then sparked up again when she realised it was true. I’ve never seen anger as strong as I saw in her green eyes that day. It hit me to my core. And like an idiot, I just stood there. I didn’t say a word.
She just turned around and walked away and Randy had clapped me on the back and laughed. And I’d just stood there. My brain was yelling at me to run after her, to tell her that I cared about her, that I wanted her, that she was the most beautiful, intelligent, witty, funny girl I’d ever met. But I just stood there. She walked away, and never looked back. Then I left to follow my music career and she left to go to college, and that was that. I never watched that movie, not once in the past ten years. I’ve only seen her three times in the past decade, and every time is like a dagger to my heart. I think I’m over her, but no other woman is good enough, smart enough, funny enough. I think I’m over her but somehow things never work out. I’m always on my own. And now she’s engaged, or maybe she’s already married. To Chad fucking Baker. Chad Baker was my opposite in high school. The jock. Successful, hair gel Chad with the Colgate smile. I’m pulled out of my daydream when Ma mentions her. Her name snaps me back to the present, to my mother’s kitchen with the peeling wallpaper. “... and little Ellie Walters! Well have you ever heard anything so absurd! North Korea of all places!” “What’s that? What about North Korea?” “She’s going! She’s leaving on Monday! Well, I never! When she left to go pursue this journalism thing I knew they’d start putting all kinds of silly ideas in her head but I never thought it would come to this.” I frown. What is she talking about! “Ma, hold on. What? Why is she going to North Korea!” “Oh who knows, Derek. Some kind of investigation or journalist thing. She’s writing all about politics and wars these days. It’s all too much for me. I think that’s why it never worked out with Chad Baker, you know. She got all kinds of ideas and then living in Greenville wasn’t good enough anymore. And now look, disaster.” “It never worked out with Chad Baker?” I hate how strained my voice sounds. Ma turns towards me. She’s wiping her hands on a dish towel as she leans back on the counter and cocks her head to the side. “I’m sure I told you that, honey. Six months ago. She called the whole thing off.” “She called it off?” It’s like I’m unable to do anything except repeat whatever Ma says. “Oh it was the talk of the town, let me tell you.” Ma turns back around and gives the pot of sauce another stir. “No one could talk about anything else. They had to forfeit their deposit for the venue AND the caterer. The Bakers lost a fortune with the wedding called off so late.” My head is spinning. So… she’s single! And going to North Korea?! I don’t know how to feel. There’s a glimmer of… something. Hope? Desire? It’s curling up inside me. But I know I don’t have a chance with her. Why am I even thinking like this. She’s leaving on Monday, and so am I! And I’m sure as hell not going to North Korea. “Well anyways, you eat your dinner and then head on down to Finlay’s pub. They have a new band there on Fridays, I’m sure it’ll be packed tonight. I know you love music.” She dishes up my dinner and the two of us sit down together, in the same seats we always sat in. Chapter 4 – Ellie
“Come on, Ellie! Hurry up!” Maggie is hopping from foot to foot. She’s always impatient. “I’m coming!” I rush out to meet her and we start walking down the street. The pub is only a short walk away, and it’s a clear evening. “Do you think Derek will be there tonight?” “I hope not,” I answer as I take a deep breath of night air. I can sense Maggie’s stare on me and I choose to ignore it. We walk in silence for a few steps and then she speaks. “Do you think you’re over Derek? Like, really over him? You’re only ever this quiet when he’s around. You weren’t even this quiet after you and Chad called off the engagement.” I sigh, and walk in silence for a few steps.
“We were kids, Maggie. It would be ridiculous for me to still be hung up on my first boyfriend from high school.” “Not really. He was your first love. You never forget your first love.” I don’t want to talk about this. I’ve been trying my best to keep Derek Hart out of my head all afternoon, and now I’m about to face one of Maggie’s inquisitions. “Maybe I’m quiet because I’m about to go to another country and secretly investigate their nuclear program under the guise of doing a profile on their Supreme Leader,” I respond sarcastically. “Maybe this has nothing to do with Derek Hart.” “Maybe,” Maggie responds. “But maybe it’s those dreamy blue eyes..” She pokes me in the ribs and I can’t help but laugh. The music from Finlay’s drifts over to us as we round the last corner. “Come on, let’s get a beer and talk about your boy troubles for once,” I say. We push the door to the pub open and step inside. It’s your typical small town pub. It’s a dim room with lots of tables and a long bar. Buck Finlay is wiping the bar down as usual, cracking jokes with the regulars in the corner. The band is playing on stage and everyone from our town and the next one over is in here, having a good time. We thread our way to the bar and wave to Buck. “Girls! What can I get you?” “Two of your finest lagers, Buck,” I say. He winks at us and pours us two tall beers. I pass one over to Maggie and we sit down on a couple stools at the bar. I take a sip of cold beer and feel my shoulders relax. There’s familiar faces around, music, laughter. It’s exactly what I need as a last night out before leaving for the trip of a lifetime. Maggie points to a group of guys that I don’t recognise and starts telling me about her last date. She’s funny and animated, and I can see her eyes sparkle as she talks about the guy she went out with. He sees us and nods, saying something to his friends before heading over. Looks like I’ll be on my own tonight.
Maggie takes his hand and smiles at me as they go for a dance in front of the stage. I watch them for a few seconds and then turn towards the bar. It’s nice to be out, to be around people even if I’m just sitting here quietly. I take another drink and sigh. I’ll miss this place, as much as I hate to admit it. My solitude is interrupted by a gruff voice that makes my spine arc up. “This seat taken?” he says and then sits down without waiting for an answer. Typical. I turn my head to see Derek Hart sitting beside me. His body is close enough that I can feel the heat radiating off him. I can smell that spicy, musky scent that I recognised earlier. I take a deep breath and try to still my beating heart. “Yeah, actually, it is.” I respond. “Maggie’s sitting there.” “She looks busy,” he says and nods to the dance floor. I glance over. He’s right, she’ll be there for a while. I say nothing, just turn back towards my drink and watch as Buck works to serve everyone crowding around the bar. He puts a beer down in front of Derek and then moves on to the next customer. No one is ever thirsty in here. I’m trying my hardest to ignore Derek when he speaks again. His voice is low and scratchy, and it sends a thrill down my spine whenever I hear it. I wish it didn’t. “So I hear you’re leaving on Monday. North Korea is it?” “Yeah,” I say, glancing over at him. I hate that he has this effect on me. I’m simultaneously filled with bitterness and a gnawing desire in the pit of my stomach. His muscular chest is straining against his black t-shirt, his biceps bulging as he brings the beer to his mouth. I try not to stare at his lips as they touch the glass, or the way his shirt lifts up ever so slightly to show a strip of skin on his stomach. He puts his beer down and meets my gaze. That arrogant smirk is still playing on his lips, the same smirk that reeled me in ten years ago. He’s repulsive. And irresistible. “North Korea isn’t known for its beaches, is it?” he continues when I say nothing. “I’m going for work,” I respond curtly. He nods, and says nothing for a few moments. I regret my rudeness now. I hate that I want to talk to him, that I want to hear his voice again. “I’m happy for you, Ellie,” he says. It surprises me, the way his voice softens. He glances over at me and I can almost see tenderness in his eyes. He didn’t call me Eleanor. “You’re going after what you wa
nt. I always knew you were too smart for this place.” “Thanks,” I say. “Hopefully you won’t be the only one who successfully escapes this town.” “Well you’ve got nothing holding you down here now,” he responds. I raise an eyebrow. “I see news travels all the way to LA,” I say with a grin. He glances over at me and takes another sip of beer. His eyes drift back to my face and then down over my body. I can feel a thrill pass through me as he looks me up and down. “It sure does. Did you hear the Grays got a new roof on the store? You should have seen the place after the storms this year. Disaster!” He throws up his hands just the way Mrs Gray does it when she’s outraged at something, which happens almost every ten minutes. I laugh, and he smiles. His straight, white teeth flash on his face and a part of me melts. I wish he wasn’t so damn attractive, it would make hating him a hell of a lot easier. Chapter 5 – Derek
Ellie is laughing and I can hardly believe it. She hasn’t laughed at anything I’ve said in ten years. It makes my heart skip a beat and I just want this night to go on forever. We sit and talk and laugh in between people coming up and saying hello. Every time we’re interrupted I just want to tell them to go away, to leave me alone with her, to let me have this time before both of us leave. It feels too good to be here with her. To be laughing with her. An old neighbour is talking about something that doesn’t interest me about a tractor or a hen or a cow when I see Ellie get up off her stool. She finishes the last of her beer and looks around the room. Maggie is still with her man, so Ellie slings her bag on her shoulder. She glances over at me and nods with a small smile on her face. Does she look sad, or am I imagining things? I can’t let her go, not like this. “Sorry to interrupt, Terry, it was great to talk to you.” I say to the man and then turn to Ellie without waiting for a response. “Let me walk you home.” “When did you turn into a gentleman?” she says with a grin. We walk out together and I resist the urge to put an arm around her waist. It’s like I’m 17 again and a nervous wreck. Where is the confident, suave rock star that I usually am?! We walk in silence for a bit and then Ellie looks over at me. “So how about you? Any failed engagements in LA?” I grin. “No failed engagements, just lots of failed relationships.” “Serves you right,” she says, but I can hear the smile in her voice. After a couple steps she speaks again. “You’re not that bad, you know.” “Thanks,” I say with a laugh. “Only took you a decade to come around to talking to me again.” She says nothing, and I worry that I’ve said something wrong. I scramble in my head, trying to figure out what I could say to her. Is it worth saying anything? “Look, Ellie..” “Derek, please,” she says softly. “I don’t want to talk about the past. It’s time to move on.” Her words are like a dagger to the chest, and I’m not sure exactly what she means. Move on from the past? Move on from each other? I didn’t even know we had something to move on from. I can’t stay quiet. “I’m sorry, Ellie. I cared about you when we were in high school, I really did. I should have apologised then and I should have told you how I felt.” How I still feel, I wish I could say. I feel ridiculous, still having such strong feelings for a girl I dated when I was seventeen. She’s quiet for a bit and I’m worried again, worried I’ve said too much, or too little. I’m not used to being this unsure of myself. “I lost my virginity with you,” she says quietly. “And then you made a fool of me.” Her words sting, and I can feel the hurt behind them. They sting because they’re the truth. She opened herself up to me and I couldn’t even speak up and defend her when it all came crumbling down. “I never meant to,” I start. “Of course you did. Why else would you go out with me at all?” She stops walking and turns towards me. Her hands are on her hips and I feel like there’s an ocean between us. Why won’t she believe me! I cared about her! But I was an idiot! I was a stupid teenage boy! I take a deep breath. “You went out with me on a DARE! With the express purpose of making an idiot out of me! Just a joke with you and your dumb friends. Who can get nerdy little Ellie Walters to put out for them first? And now you’re telling me you never meant to hurt me?!” The bitterness and anger in her voice hits me like a sledgehammer. I want to grab her, hold her in my arms. I can’t help but notice the way her green eyes are sparking, the way her whole body is tensed up like a coiled spring. I feel hurt and ashamed but I can’t help but notice the way my cock jumps every time her eyes drill into me. I sigh. “At first, yeah, you’re right. It was a dare. It was stupid, Ellie! But that’s what it took to give me the courage to actually ask you out. I always liked you,” I say. My voice is pleading. My eyes are searching her face and I can still see the remnants of her anger in her eyes. She looks at me, eyes sparkling in the starlight as we talk about my betrayal for the first time in ten years. “Eleanor,” I say softly. I desperately want to reach out to her, to touch her face or stroke her hair. To kiss her lips… “Ellie, I’m sorry. Truly, truly sorry.” “Thanks,” she says, relaxing her shoulders down. “You’ve never actually apologised to me before, and I appreciate it.” She looks deep into my eyes for another second and I try to bring myself to take a step closer to her, but then she drops her eyes and turns back towards her house. I follow her lead and walk in silence until we get to her front door. She turns towards me and smiles softly. “It was nice seeing you, Derek. Good luck in LA. I hope things keep going well for you. I really mean it.” I hate that it sounds so final. She’s saying goodbye to me, and it sounds like she’s saying it forever. “Be careful over there, Ellie.” She nods, and glances at my face one more time. I can see her lips part gently as she stands there. The moonlight is giving her an almost angelic air. My hands are itching for her body and I’m willing them to reach out towards her, to dip my head down towards her plump red lips. Time stands still. We’re locked on each other, staring into each other’s eyes. I can almost taste her already. I start moving my head, dipping it down towards hers and my heart is beating faster than I’ve ever felt it. Almost as if it’s slow motion, my hands drift towards her, almost touching her slim waist. My lips part and I can see the softness of her lips right in front of me. We’re only inches apart. And then, the spell breaks. She looks down and away towards her front door. She takes a step back and looks back up at me, smiling sadly. “Goodbye, Derek.” She walks up to her door, unlocking it and stepping through. It closes and I hear the lock click shut with finality. Goodbye, Ellie. I close my eyes and sigh, trying to ignore the sharp pain that passes through my chest before I turn around and walk back towards my mother’s old house. Chapter 6 – Ellie
I’m boarding my first flight from Nashville to LAX, where I’ll catch another flight to Beijing. From Beijing I’ll pick up my visa and then I can fly to Pyongyang, North Korea. I catch myself glancing around, wondering if Derek will be on the same flight. Stop it, I tell myself. I need to get over him. I walked away from him on Friday night and now I’m embarking on the biggest adventure of my life. Derek Hart is not part of that. He’s no longer part of my reality. We said our goodbyes and now it’s done. In Los Angeles I’m meeting with Mike, my editor and travel companion. We’ll finalise our plans and make sure we have everything we need for the trip. My stomach flutters at the thought of entering the world’s most isolated nation. I have no idea what to expect. I’ve had dozens of people try to talk me out of this, telling me about how dangerous and stupid it was for me to go. The alternative is staying in Greenville and marrying someone like Chad Baker and living out the rest of my days in a little house just off Main Street, and honestly I’d rather take my chances in North Korea. I settle into my seat and wait as the planes continues to board its passengers. Then, I hear a ripple of talking and whispers make its way from the front of the plane to the back. Derek Hart! He’s on the plane! Sitting up there. An excited young man points to the first class section, turning to his friend. I saw him! I’m going to go ask him for his autograph. I close my eyes. He’s on the plane. Suddenly I feel warm, like the temperature in the cabin just skyrocketed. I pull out my headphones and stare out the window at the activ
ities on the ground. Why does he have such an effect on me?! I hated him for years, and now… he seemed so normal. So nice. But he’s a rock star. He lives in Los Angeles. He tours around the world and has adoring fans. I’m just Ellie Walters from Greenville, Tennessee. What would he want from me? Who am I kidding, he was probably just wanting someone to sleep with for the weekend while he was back in town. Here I am, imagining we have some special connection when I know he’s used me before for sex. He wouldn’t hesitate to use me again. The memory from all those years ago flashes through my mind and I try to blink back the tears. I quickly brush one away as it rolls down my cheek, hiding my face in the little round plane window. Of course he would be on my flight. Don’t rockstars usually have private jets?! This is just my luck. I’m finally leaving Greenville, finally making it out and I just. Can’t. Get. Away. I’ll just stay here in the back, close my eyes and try to still my thumping heart. He hasn’t seen me and he doesn’t need to see me. The plane takes off and I breathe a bit easier. Just a few hours and we’ll go our separate ways. He probably has a driver picking him up, and I probably won’t even see him at all. He’s in first class, after all. The seatbelt sign dings off and people start moving around the cabin. A baby is crying a few rows down and I sigh, closing my eyes and trying to turn the volume on my headphones up a little bit higher. I pull out my laptop and review the notes that Mike sent me. We need to be authentic and make sure that the North Koreans believe that we are there for a profile on Kim Jong-un. We can’t mention anything about nuclear weapons, war, American interests.. Nothing. The hotel rooms are bugged, the cellular network is under surveillance and any online communications are read and reported. I’ll be leaving my laptop and cell phone at Mike’s office, he’s got a clean tablet for me. It’s a risky mission, and I’m still wondering how it is I got chosen for it. Mike said they needed someone relatively unknown that wouldn’t trigger anything when the Koreans ran a background check. I guess someone from nowheresville, Tennessee fits that ticket. I take a deep breath as I read through the notes for the thousandth time. My heart beats a bit faster and I feel a smile creep across my face. I’ve been the talk of the town for months. From calling off the engagement to the decision to pursue this project, I haven’t heard the end of how I’m ruining my life and throwing everything away. Or how I’m ruining my family’s life and reputation, or how devastated my mother is and it’s all my fault. I’ll probably never live it down, but at the end of the day I don’t care. I want to do this. I want to see what else is out there. I want to make something of myself that’s more than what they expect from me. I close my eyes and lay back in the uncomfortable airplane chair. I’m leaving Greenville behind me. I’m leaving Derek behind me. I’m leaving it all behind to find out what else this big wide world has to offer. The smile playing on my lips creeps further upwards and I sigh deeply. This is what I’ve always wanted. Chapter 7 – Derek
Second Chance: A Rockstar Romance in North Korea Page 2