I’m on the edge and I move faster, breathing hard as I run the toy over and back over my bud. It’s so close, I can feel it as I’m about to tip over the edge and feel it roar through me.
And then.
And then.
Gone.
In an instant the heat dissipates and I feel empty. I open my eyes and bite my lip, trying for a few moments to get that feeling back. I move the toy over my most sensitive spot but the vibrations are too intense now and I have to stop. My bud feels almost raw but I feel like a piece of me is missing. I turn off my toy and let it fall to my side.
I feel the tears pricking at the corner of my eyes as I stare once again at the ceiling.
It was there! I felt it, so close, teetering on the edge of my first orgasm and once again it slipped through my fingers. I feel a teardrop slip out of my eye and onto the pillow and all of a sudden I’m sobbing.
I can’t stand this!
To be so close, to embarrass myself in front of the sexiest man I’ve ever seen and then think of him when I try to come. And for what, for nothing! I went through all that embarrassment, that shame, and I couldn’t even finish the job. My cheeks burn. My chest heaves and tears pour out of my eyes as the sobs rock from my stomach through my chest and the pain sears through me.
I grab the vibrator beside me and look at it in disgust. I can hardly see it, my eyes are that blurry from the tears. My heart feels like it’s fallen into my stomach and my frustration bubbles up through me. I want to scream.
I’m sick of feeling like this, of feeling inadequate and incomplete. I raise my arm and hurl the stupid thing across the room. It hits the wall with a loud thud and falls to the ground. The impact against the wall turned it on again and I hear it buzzing loudly all over the floor, hopping around and taunting me and my inadequacies.
I listen to it for a few moments as I cry a bit harder. My shoulders shake and I let myself feel the full weight of my failure.
Finally the anger inside me subsides and with a deep breath I swing my legs over the side of the bed and try to stop my sobs. Slow, ragged breaths drag through me as I get up and pick up my vibe. I turn it off and gently place it on my nightstand before sitting down on the edge of my bed.
I’m lost and alone. I don’t know what to do. I could live without orgasms for a long time but now it seems I’ve reached my breaking point, like a piece of me is missing. I don’t even know what that piece is.
Chapter 12 – Clay
It’s been a busy week and I’m thankful for it. Non-stop appointments including two days at the hospital shadowing one of the city’s top cardiologists. He’s excited for me to move to Seattle, says I’ve got a lot of promise. He knows the lead cardiologist out there and said he’d put in a good word for me to train under him. It’s a huge opportunity, everything I’ve been working for. I grit my teeth and say thanks as graciously as I can, even though I feel a pang in my chest when I think of the move.
How can one appointment with a girl have such a big effect on me? The thought of moving used to excite me and now it just fills me with dread.
I have a free moment between patients and I open my email. Straight away my eyes jump to the subject line of the most recent unread email: Test Results – Valerie Brooks.
Every time I try to get her out of my mind I’m reminded of her somehow. I open the email and glance at it quickly, and before I can change my mind I forward it onto the practice’s gynaecologist.
Hi Sherry,
Can you take a look at these results? Patient came in with complaints of trouble climaxing and it’s affecting her quality of life. I’d like to pass her on to you if you don’t mind?
Clay
I press send and let out a big sigh. Now as long as I don’t run into Val in the hallways I can rest assured I won’t see her again. It’s better this way. My move to Seattle is become more and more likely, and I can’t let anything distract me. I lean back in my chair and rub my face with my hands. Suddenly I feel exhausted and I wish it was later than 1pm.
My phone rings. My real estate agent. Can I not get away from this move, this sale, and the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach?! I grab my phone to answer it.
“Hey Chris, any good news?”
“Yes! When are you OK with setting up a viewing? Does Saturday morning suit you?”
“Saturday morning is perfect, thanks. I’ll have the house presentable by then.”
When I hang up the phone I have to rest my forehead in my hands. This is moving fast, very fast. A week ago I would have been jumping for joy but now I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something.
It’s that woman and the look she gave me when she told me she had never had an orgasm. There was such grit and determination in her, nothing I would have expected from her. She seemed fragile and strong at the same time and all I wanted to do was go to her and feel her in my arms.
I could have any woman in the city but all I can think about is her. I haven’t even been out to my usual pick-up spots since she came in. I need a distraction, and working myself to the bone isn’t cutting it. I pick my phone back up and text my best friend Dave.
“Davey what’s happening? We going on this weekend or what? I’ve had a hell of a week.”
As usual, he’s quick to respond. Within a few minutes my phone buzzes.
“Yeah bro! Can’t tonight but tomorrow night at the usual spot? Everything all good?”
“Everything’s fine, just need a bit of fun in my life. See you then.”
Friday night at The Rouge is usually packed to the rafters with attractive, available women. Just what I need to distract myself from a certain beautiful blonde. Dave will help, he’s always a great wingman and willing to have a good time.
There’s a knock on the door and Liz pokes her head through.
“Hey Doctor O,” she titters. “You need anything? I’m heading out for lunch.”
“I’m good, Liz, thanks,” I respond without looking up. I’m not even enjoying flirting with her anymore. It used to be an easy distraction, a bit of fun during the day. She seems so relentless now and it almost feels like a chore. I sigh and resolve to just make it through these couple days.
Once the week is over I’ll be ok and my head will be straight, and Valerie Brooks will be a blip in my rearview mirror.
Chapter 13 – Valerie
“Hi, this is Doctor Sherry Sanders from the Medical One clinic, am I speaking with Valerie Brooks?”
“Yes, speaking.”
Her voice is clear and professional. She sounds like an older woman who’s used to dealing with people all day every day.
“Hi Valerie, I understand you had an appointment with Dr. O’Neill last week. We’ve received your test results and I was wondering if you’d be free to discuss them with me?”
“Oh, ok. Am I not seeing Dr. O’Neill?” I feel an unexpected shock in the pit of my stomach at her words. I had been looking forward to seeing him again, if only to redeem myself and not be a horny hot mess in his office.
“No, I’m sorry I thought he would have discussed that with you. He passed your file on to me this morning. I’m the practice’s gynaecologist, so I specialise in this kind of issue. I apologise for the confusion. Would you be available to come in next week?”
“That should be fine.”
I make the appointment and hang up the phone as soon as I can. He passed my file on, he must not have felt what I felt at all. My cheeks start burning in embarrassment. I’ve made a fool of myself in front of him, of course he would pass my file on. He probably doesn’t have time for silly girls coming in wasting his time like this.
I opened up to him and made a fool of myself, and his response was to pass my file on so he wouldn’t have to deal with me. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole right now.
Maybe he just passed on my file because she specialises in these issues, and it’s not because I was a blushing blubbering mess in his
office.
Yes, that’s it, I tell myself. I have to tell myself something to get over the burning embarrassment I feel from my stomach to my fingertips.
I’d been looking forward to going back in and seeing his face again. I wanted another look at his eyes and another chance to act like myself around him. I’m self-assured and confident, usually.
Usually.
I guess I won’t get that chance now, I’ll be seeing another doctor. It might be for the best. How can I focus on his medical opinion when I’ve thought of him bending me over his examination table and having his way with me? I’m kidding myself, thinking I could walk in there like I haven’t imagined what he looks like without a shirt on. The follow-up appointment would be worse than the first!
I shake my head and look at my computer screen. Every time Doctor O’Neill pops into my head I have a hard time focusing at work. I’m very near the top of the sales board this month, if I just keep up my pace I’m going to be the top sales agent here. I can’t let something like a man get in the way, no matter how irresistibly sexy he may be.
The viewing for the beautiful SoHo loft is scheduled for Saturday morning, so I guess I won’t be going out on Friday. It’s for the best, I guess.
My phone rings again.
“Em, what’s up?”
“Val, you’ve been ignoring me!” Her voice is full of mock anger. Maybe she’s right, maybe I have been avoiding her. Ever since I tried and failed to successfully use my vibrator I’ve been dodging her texts and invitations to hang out.
“I’ve just been busy with work Emma, how have you been?”
“How have I been?! Well first of all I’ve been DYING to hear about your new vibrator!!”
I get up and move away from my desk, afraid my coworkers will hear her through the phone. She’s practically shouting into my ear. I go around the corner and try to talk in a low voice.
“Oh, that, yeah.. It didn’t work.”
“It’s broken? Did you send it back?”
“No, no it’s not broken. It just… didn’t work.”
There’s a silence on the line for a second and I jump in again to avoid bringing up the feelings from the other day.
“What about you? Has that Sex God called you back yet?”
“Not. A. Fucking. Peep. Out of him!!!” she exclaims. “I can’t believe it! This doesn’t happen! We had the most mind blowing sex and then he just tosses me aside. I mean, I wasn’t expecting to get married or anything but I would have loved another roll around with him. It was that good!”
“What a dick,” I respond. I hear the hurt pride in her words. It’s unusual for guys to leave her hanging. She’s used to being worshipped by the men around her.
“An absolute dick!! I’m actually a little annoyed by it. Anyways, when are you free. I want to see you. Want to go for brunch on Saturday?”
“I’m showing a house on Saturday but we could meet up after that? 1ish?”
“You work too much, Val. One o’clock sounds perfect.”
She sounded like that guy not calling her back actually upset her more than she let on. She’s been there for me since I broke up with my ex, maybe it’s time for me to return the favour with a little support. I’ve been too caught up in my own problems this week.
It’ll do me good to see her. It’s been a lonely week and my thoughts have been circling around Doctor O’Neil far, far too much. I probably won’t even see him again so it’s better I just forget about him.
I just hope Emma doesn’t ask for too many details about my adventures with “Girl’s Best Friend.” Knowing her I won’t get away that easy though.
Chapter 14 – Clay
It’s finally Friday. The intercom in my apartment buzzes and Dave’s voice comes through the speaker
“You ready to party?!?!”
I chuckle.
“Come up.”
I buzz him up and turn to the mirror by the front door to touch up my hair. Messy in the best kind of way. I’m wearing my best tight white t-shirt and a pair of dark jeans. It’s casual but put together, just the way I like to be when I’m not in the office.
Dave bursts through the door with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other.
“I haven’t seen you in weeks!!! We’re going hard tonight, Clay!” He brushes past me and drops the bottles onto the kitchen counter, heading straight for the glasses and ice. Dave’s the kind of guy who feels at home wherever he goes.
We’ve known each other since college, and he hasn’t changed a bit. He’s always been a party animal, but somehow keeps his life together through medical school and has been very successful at his plastic surgery practice. He breezed through his residency and is making a mint now. Somehow things always seem to go right for him, he has a natural charisma that people are drawn to. I smile as I watch him pour us drinks. This is just the distraction I need.
“So what’s been happening Clay? Rough week?”
“Yeah, busy mostly.” I run my fingers through my hair and rub the back of my neck before he hands me a drink. I take a sip and the liquid burns as it travels down my throat. I like the feeling though, it’s pain and pleasure in a glass.
“Come on, man, you’re always busy. Something’s bothering you I can tell.”
He knows me too well. I grin at him.
“It’s a girl, isn’t it. Didn’t I tell you they were always trouble?”
“Nah, it’s not like that. I mean, yeah, it’s a girl, but I dunno, I can’t make any sense of it. I don’t even know her, she just came into work last week and I can’t get her out of my head.”
He’s staring at me as he sips his drink.
“Did you fuck her?” He asks bluntly.
“What? No! She was a patient. I didn’t even… I was professional. But Dave, you should have seen her. She’s blonde with these legs, and her ass – “
“She got under your skin, man. It happens,” he interrupts. “Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to down a couple of these drinks and then we’re going to go to The Rouge and find you a hot little piece of ass and you can forget about this chick and how twisted she’s got you. Yeah?”
I laugh and raise my glass.
“Cheers to that.”
Dave swallows his drink in one go. As the liquor enters my mouth I can’t help but feel less than enthusiastic about our plans. The thoughts of getting drunk and rubbing up against New York’s hottest singles just doesn’t seem so appealing tonight.
But.. this is what I do! I pick up women and I fuck them and then I never call them again. There’s a reason for that, and the reason is that I’m moving and I’m going to be the best cardiologist in the country, and nothing can get in the way of that.
I absolutely do not obsess over a woman I’ve met once in a professional setting. We didn’t even flirt! Unless you count one glance. Even the thought of that glance and her open mouth makes my cock twinge and I tip back my glass, downing the rest of the drink. I need to get her out of my head.
“Fuck yeah!” Dave shouts and then pours us another drink.
By the time we get to the club I’m definitely drunk. The taxi pulls up outside and we greet the bouncer with knowing nods. I look down the lineup at the door, glancing at the women waiting to get in. They’re all dressed in short, tight clothing and they all look good, objectively speaking. My eyes glance from one to the other. I’m looking for her, I know I am. What the fuck is wrong with me!
“I need a drink,” I shout to Dave over the music as we walk in the door.
A wall of pounding music hits me and Dave looks back with a grin on his face. He points to the bar and we make our way to it. He orders us a couple of drinks and we turn around to case the room.
There’s nothing less appealing than being in a loud club, surrounded by drunk people and flashing lights when you’d rather be with one person in particular.
I need to stop thinking like this. I turn
around and ask the bartender for two shots. Hangover tomorrow or not, I’m not going to think about her tonight.
Dave slides over to two girls standing next to us at the bar. I hear him use his usual pick up lines and the girls respond, giggling. The redhead is giving me the eye, but I turn my back and order another drink. She’s not my type anyway.
Dave looks over at me and frowns. He nods his head towards the girls and I know I’m messing up his pickup. I order another couple shots.
The night turns into a blur. I’m turning down girls that approach me until none of them even look at me. Dave has distanced himself, using my animosity to his advantage to make himself look like the Good Guy.
I don’t give a shit.
I’m drunk and I don’t care about any of these chicks. I’m not having fun. This was a bad idea. I need to go home.
Chapter 15 – Valerie
Today is important. If my buyer likes this property, it’ll be a nice little commission for me and it’ll skyrocket me to the top of the office’s sales board for the month. It’s the month before performance reviews which means I need to be on top of my game.
Before I walk out the door I look at myself one more time in my full-length mirror. My navy blue pencil skirt hugs my hips just the way I like, and my cream blouse is tight with a lace neckline. My blazer cinches at the waist the way I like it to and I’ve done my hair in loose curls and my makeup is understated and flattering. I feel fierce and ready to close this deal. I tug at the bottom of my blazer and spin on my heels towards the door.
It’s 9:30am, so I have more than enough time to meet up with the seller’s agent for the keys and then get to the property for the 11:00am viewing. I’ll stop at that coffee shop across the road beforehand, as a treat to myself after a hard week. I always like a quiet moment before a sale to get my head together.
When I step outside the sun is shining and I take a deep breath. This is good, and I can feel the familiar energy humming inside me when I’m about to try to sell. I love my job. I hop in my car and head to the other real estate agent’s office.
Second Chance: A Rockstar Romance in North Korea Page 15