Haunting Refrain

by Mary Marvella

  “Oh, William. Is there a date?”

  “Yes, the year before I was born.”

  ##

  Sarah and William had been in shock at the tens of thousands represented by the jewelry. There had even been cash and stock certificates stashed.

  Sarah hadn’t wanted to leave him alone but they had found his mom’s diaries dated around the year of her marriage.

  “If you don’t see me at your house by seven, send the rescue dogs to find me.”

  He sat at his desk, hoping his training would help him keep his perspective.

  May 12,

  James McKeown is with a doubt the kindest man I’ve ever known. My brother says James studies all the time. I adore him but he refuses to take me to his college dances. He says he doesn’t go to parties or dances or even ballgames. They think I’m too young for him. He’s only a college junior. Maybe he isn’t the right man for me. Of course he is.

  I’m eighteen and old enough to attend proms. Well, if he won’t take me to his dance, I’ll have someone else take me to my prom. That shouldn’t be a problem since Jamie’s own brother much more fun. And Greg broke up with his girlfriend.

  William had never known an Uncle Greg. He must have been a black sheep or something. He’d thought his father an only child. He had no memories of grandparents.

  May 30,

  I wish I hadn’t gone to my prom. I wanted to be there with Jamie, but I let his brother take me. Greg is cute and a great dancer, but he slipped out to drink and I had to catch a ride home with a friend. He’s only a college freshman but he acts like he’s older. He came by the house and apologized to me and to my folks, but Daddy didn’t buy it. They had a big argument. Daddy told him to never come back.

  People make mistakes. Besides, all the girls think he’s a dream. And his kisses were so yummy before he started acting like a drunken ass. I’ll give him another chance, if he promises not to drink so much.

  James never gets drunk around me, but he only kissed me once. Heck, I had to make him give me a birthday kiss last year. It was a great kiss. A really great kiss. I thought he enjoyed it but he ended the kiss and left in a hurry. Why doesn’t he like kissing like Greg does. He’s so dependable but he sees me as a friend, not a grown woman. Men!

  Had there been family albums? He hadn’t seen any but surely there were pictures of some kind. He skimmed through the next few entries, stopping when he found a wallet sized photo of two young people. Obviously a prom photo – the boy wore a tux and a bow-tie and the girl wore a pale blue gown that clung to her slim figure.

  Her features were much like his mother as he remembered her. But this girl grinned as though she enjoyed just being there. The boy’s hair was darker black than William’s father but the resemblance was striking. The eyes were blue, the wrong color. Flipping it over he saw the names “Greg and Nora, prom 1970. The pair didn’t look like they were in love. But what about the ring? Their names were in it.

  William'd never thought of his mother as a fun-loving young woman. What had happened to change her so much? He continued to scan the entries until he saw one with underlined words.

  July 30,

  Played tennis with Greg. He let me win like he always does but I could beat him if he’d play right. Daddy says I shouldn’t be around him. That’s so unfair.

  Jamie watched us. He looked so angry. I made sure he saw me bend over to get the ball. He pretends I don’t turn him on but I know he’s jealous! Ha! He won’t even hang around. If I had the chance I’d make him admit he wants me. I’ll show him!!!!

  Mama had been a bit of a flirt. This girl who played tennis had become the reclusive woman? How?

  August 15,

  I’ll be a college freshman in three weeks! Augusta is a good place to live, but Mercer has two great colleges. Mama wanted me to go to Weslyan. A girl’s school? No way. I’ll be with Jamie and Greg. I am sooo ready to go away to school. Greg says he’ll introduce me to everyone and take me to parties. I wish Jamie would stop being so weird and take me. He’ll be a senior. Maybe he thinks he’s too good to date a mere freshman. So, who needs him, anyway?

  Greg promised he’d drink less and I believe him. Why can’t I put Greg’s funny personality with Jamie’s responsible self? They both had such good qualities.

  October 25

  I love college! I love sorority rush! I love everything but studying. There are so many people here and so much to do. God, I love college! Back to studying. I think I’ll try out for drama, or choir, or both.

  I see Jamie sometimes across campus or in the Student Center. He says very little but I know he cares for me. He looks like he wants me but he doesn’t want to. He and I need to talk about things. I miss his friendship. How can my dreams about us come true if he won’t let me get close?

  Greg still drinks too much. He makes too many moves on me. Kissing him would be fun if he wouldn’t keep touching my breasts and trying to get me out of my clothes. I told him I don’t plan to have sex with him, so there’ll be no more kissing. A shame, but he says he knows I want him.

  William couldn’t believe his mother had been treated like that. No man likes the idea of a man mistreating any woman, certainly not his mother.

  December 20,

  I love college but I miss my parents. We bought me a great dress for the country club dance. I can’t wait for Jamie to see me in it.

  December 22,

  Oh, my God, I never expected Jamie and Greg to fight over me. I never thought Greg would get drunk and take things too far.

  He was being so obnoxious at the dance. Daddy and some others threatened to throw him out but his parents are members so they didn’t. I thought I could make him sober up so I asked him to walk me around outside.

  He didn’t understand. As soon as we were out of sight he grabbed me and tried to kiss me. His whiskey breath made me gag. He was so strong I couldn’t get away. My dress strap broke and I slapped him. He just laughed and grabbed my hair.

  William felt chills. His own mother had been seemed so young and innocent and frightened.

  I’ll never forget his words. “Think you’re saving it for brother Jamie? Well, he doesn’t want you. I do, I gave you a ring and he gave you nothing. You owe me.” My struggles were no help.

  We had been friends forever, that was all. When he grabbed the other strap and broke it, I screamed.

  When Jamie grabbed Greg I couldn’t believe he hit so hard. Jamie’s violent threats were so unlike him. Jamie, who never lost his temper, beat his brother.

  I wanted to thank him for saving me but he said nothing as he carried me back inside. I tried to explain what happened, he told me to be quiet. He said I had finally done it. Of course, everyone looked at us. He said we’d talk tomorrow when he wasn’t so angry. My Jamie made me feel so dirty, like I had asked for what happened. I never intended for his brother to force me to have sex! Never!

  Mama and Daddy brought me home but Daddy didn’t say a word. Mama ran a hot bath for me while I explained what had happened. “I know, honey, I know. I’ll make us some hot chocolate and we’ll talk.“ I knew she understood.

  Once I got in the tub the tears came. They haven’t really stopped. Tonight I was almost raped. Things will never the same with Jamie or his brother. Two friends lost! Daddy hates me, too. How can I face anyone again?

  Chapter Twenty

  William couldn’t believe he was reading words his mother had meant to remain private. Thinking that she had nearly been raped sent bile rising in his throat. Where was this jerk who had taken her innocence? That would happen to a person who lost friendships because of sexual violence.

  “William, where are you? I’ve brought the rescue dogs.”

  “In here, Sarah.”

  “Darlin’ what’s wrong? You look like you’ve lost your best friend.”

  He wanted to smile at her words but couldn’t. “I made her my lover, come here best friend.” He stood and took her in his arms, basking in the comfort of holding her. He had
worried for years about losing her and her parents, but they would always be here for him. He understood that now.

  “My mother’s diaries are so sad.”

  “I’m sorry.” She kissed his jaw.

  He reached down to the bed and picked up her the photo of his mother and his uncle. “She had a crush on my father, but she thought she and my uncle were friends. He gave her the ring.” He pointed to the young man in the picture. His voice became hard with his anger. “She did until he nearly raped her.”

  “Your uncle? How, I mean what happened?”

  He pointed to the open journal pages. “I just read about it. She thought my dad was angry at her.”

  Sarah ran her forefinger lightly over the faces, tracing over the smiles. “She looks so excited and so young.”

  “She was. I couldn’t believe my bashful mother wrote those pages filled with excitement and enthusiasm. She had such hopes.”

  “Want to go eat now and come back to these, or shall I bring our food here. Mama won’t mind.”

  She loved the way he hugged her, then kissed her forehead. She really loved the way he kissed her. For now he needed comfort more than passionate kisses.

  “Maybe we could read one or two more entries, then go eat, if that’s okay with you.”

  “Sure.”

  When William sat he pulled her onto his lap as he often did. She read with him.

  December 26,

  The worst Christmas so far! Daddy had a massive heart attack when we returned from the awful dance. If I caused it with my carelessness I don’t want to live. Mama says I’m not the cause. She said he had complained of chest pains for months but had dismissed them as indigestion. His doctor was at the country club dance and he said I didn’t make my father’s heart bad. Still, if I hadn’t upset him?

  Mike has been with us since I called him from the hospital. He’s a great brother. It was fortunate he hadn’t arrived when Jamie and his family were at the hospital.

  Jamie’s mother thinks I caused the fight and called me a slut and other horrible names. She actually believes I seduced her sons. Jamie and his father told her to hold her tongue.

  “How could she, at a time like that?” Sarah couldn’t believe the woman.

  Greg was in emergency being stitched and cleaned up from the beating Jamie gave him. He was sober and tried to apologize to me and to my mom, but I wanted him out of my sight. Jamie told him he should get out and their parents took him. They were waiting to take him home, not to help my mama and me. Mild mannered Jamie has never shown his violent temper before. He had lost it because of me and now he looks sick about it.

  When his family left he came to my mother and me. When he put his arm around me I wanted to bury myself in his warmth and protection.

  He kept saying, “I am so sorry, Nora. I should have stopped him sooner.”

  He hated that I saw the violence that runs in his family. He said that was the reason he had avoided being too close. He had thought his brother would accept my friendship and go after a new woman, as he always had.

  I expected that, too. Maybe he wanted me because I didn’t want him.

  What Jamie said next worried me. I hadn’t realized Greg always wanted anything Jamie had. I missed that because he had always been good to me. Did I aggravate things by being so nice to him? What would he do now that I had humiliated him in front of society? I pray he’ll stay away from alcohol, that might help him think straight.

  “One more?” Sarah asked.

  “Turn the page, Princess.”

  January 1,

  I began the New Year burying my father and watching my brother try to help my mother, in spite of his own grief. Jamie stood by my side, a pillar of strength

  Tearstains had blurred some of the words. Sarah turned the page again without asking William.

  January 3

  Mama tries to be strong for us all, but she cries at night. I know, because I can’t sleep, either. I keep expecting to hear Daddy’s booming voice, his contagious laugh, and smell his cherry pipe tobacco blend. I want to crawl in bed with Mama and cry on her shoulder. This time she can’t wipe away my tears and promise me everything will be all right. How can it be?

  How can I return to school and leave her to mourn alone? How can I put my mind on studying when my daddy is dead?

  Sarah struggled to keep her tears at bay. She wanted to stop reading but couldn’t.

  Jamie’s always near, helping Mama and me. We’ll miss Mike on the days he drives back to Atlanta to keep his job going through everything. The house will be quiet for two lonely women to bear.

  Jamie says he’s not going back to school but I say he must. He’s scheduled to graduate in June.

  William’s voice was gravely when he asked, “should we stop now and go eat?”

  “Don’t you dare!”

  January 8,

  Last night changed my life again. I always thought I would celebrate the first time Jamie made love with me. I never let myself doubt that he would, someday.

  Last night I needed him so much and he gave more than I ever thought possible. He was gentle, sweet, passionate, and loving. What could have been more romantic than the gazebo in the moonlight? Maybe if he hadn’t apologized, then left soon. I don’t think he expected things to go that far, but I needed what only he could give.

  He was my friend. Now he’s more, but what? Did he feel sorry for me because of what his brother did? Could he just not say no to comforting me? He’s a man and making love doesn’t always mean commitment to a permanent relationship. I’ll make sure he knows I don’t expect him to commit to me. I can’t lose his friendship because of sex.

  I can’t regret the joy he gave me. I knew it would be good, but making love to my Jamie was wonderful!

  “Oh, William,” Sarah sniffed. “did Jamie, I mean your father love your mama? Maybe that was their problem.”

  William smoothed Sarah’s hair from her face. “I believe he loved her too much. There seemed to be no love left for a son.”

  “We need to eat.” Sarah rose and grabbed his hand. “Come on, Mama’s got supper waiting.” She pulled him up and led him out of the sadness of the room.

  Arms around each other they ambled to Sarah’s house.

  William expected questions about why he and Sarah had taken so long to get to supper but her parents simply made small talk and enjoyed the meal.

  Sarah grabbed brownies from the dessert plate and grabbed his hand. “Sorry to eat and run.” They dashed out.

  ##

  Peter’s day was flushing worse and worse as it progressed. A tennis client was pursuing him, threatening to tell everyone he had come on to her. Like he would go after an older woman with a rich and powerful husband.

  He’d taken a quick shower and was nursing his second glass of wine when Roxie slammed the front door.

  “Go back to your boss and tell him I’m in my gilded cage for the night.”

  Whoa! His housemate sounded in a snit. He heard the clicking of her high heels on the hardwood entry. A thud made him flinch.

  “Damn philandering crook!”

  A second thud made Peter grin.

  “Son of a bitch!”

  Roxie stomped into the den and snatched Peter’s glass. She drained it, then put it back in his grasp. “More!”

  He refilled the glass asking, “Bad day at the office?”

  She took the glass back and drained it again. “You could say that. Mrs. Avery called the office three times before lunch, today. The stupid man must have made her suspicious. You’d think as many times as he’d cheated on her he’d be more careful. Another couple of days and I’ll have what I need to leave. The wife’s welcome to him, but I can’t see why she wants him.”

  “What the hell do you mean leave him?”

  Roxie looked like he had shot her. “Oh, shit, I didn’t mean that. Look, he can be such a jerk.”

  Peter knew there was something she wasn’t telling him. She had definitely let something slip.
“Spill, Roxie.”

  She shrugged and refilled the wineglass herself. “I had a bad day, that’s all.” She handed the glass back to him. “I really am a good secretary, in spite of what people think. The missus kept interrupting my work so I had to work through lunch and breaks to meet deadlines and leave an hour late.”

  “Deadlines, huh. No lunchtime quickie?”

  “No, asshole. The boss isn’t that arrogant. Good thing, the little woman showed up and made him take her to lunch.”

  “Too bad.”

  “A lot you know.” She grabbed a wineglass and poured her own drink.

  “You could tell me.”

  “What’s the matter, worried about your part-time job?” When he didn’t respond she shrugged and left the room. She yelled from the hall. “Ask Adelle to have supper on the table in fifteen minutes. Something smells good.”

  Hell, he could lose two jobs and be royally screwed. He’d have to see Sarah tomorrow and remind her of the fun they’d had before she had decided she wanted her neighbor. Maybe he could talk her into a romantic picnic in the country. Maybe he could take her to one of the old plantations.