I found her reading a book in her bed, completely unaware. When I came in huffing and puffing she sat up in alarm.
“Heavens J, what is it?”
I managed to breathe out that Hitler had arrived and that all out violence was being permitted against anyone of her kind. Her face melted into complete terror as I related my story. I sat on my bed, not knowing what to do next. Giselle burst in, her eyes raining tears.
“There is a letter being posted all over the conservatory! It says that all pupils and workers of Jewish descent are banished from the school and must leave immediately. I think soldiers are making their way down the street as we speak!” Her voice was raised in panic, and I shushed her, trying to think.
“If you leave this building, it is likely that you will be taken to prison, or perhaps worse. You cannot leave this building!” I cried. They both stared at me in dismay.
“Then what are we to do, J? What are we to do?” Giselle cried, hot tears erupting anew.
It was then that I realized our only choice. It would be hell, and a temporary fix, but at least it was something.
“The catacombs,” I said quietly. “We can hide you in the catacombs until we figure out what to do next. No one knows about it but us.”
I was met with a wall of silence as shock, disbelief, and crushing fear set in. Knowing that we could be discovered at any moment, I began rooting in my drawer for any extra candlesticks.
“Giselle, go get what you need to survive, as much as you can hold. Make it look as though you are simply exiting the conservatory, and let’s all meet at the catacombs. Now!” I yelled, causing the room at large to jump into action. Janika fervently began packing random clothing items, her expression dazed. When she held onto all she could hold, she looked back to me, her eyes wide.
“What will we do, J? Where will we go, if Austria is no longer safe?”
I placed my hands on her shoulders, bracing myself. My mind was reeling from the knowledge that at any moment she could be taken from me, with every minute we wasted only increasing the danger.
“We will find a place for you. I’m sure the chancellor won’t allow Hitler to take our country, and things will go back to the way they were, maybe even better. You’ll see,” I said, using every acting skill I had learned to sound sincere. I didn’t honestly believe a word of it, and neither did she. Still, we smiled falsely at one another, and we hugged tight, my arms desperate to keep her safe simply by holding her close to me. Then she made her way out into the hallway, and I was once again alone.
I waited a few hours, just sitting on my bed and staring at the wall. I knew if I went down when everyone was about, given my alliances, I would be followed. I would now have to tread more carefully than ever, as the lives of my closest friends depended on my ability to connect them to the outside world without being seen.
I waited until just before dinnertime before daring to slip into the hallway and make my way to the old backstage door. When opened, it led straight down into pitch black, which was why no one ever thought to go any further. Kneeling on the ground at the top of the steps, I quickly lit my white candle and placed it back in its silver stand. I closed the door behind me and slowly crept down the staircase, every creak echoing like a stick of dynamite. Finally, I turned the corner that led to our secret room, heartened by the thin strip of flickering light that danced along the ground beneath a slightly off kilter door. I knocked gently before creeping in.
They were huddled together in a corner opposite the flickering candle, shadows dancing along their puffy, red faces. When they saw that it was me, they both rushed me at once, and we held each other in relief. Giselle continued to cry while we huddled in our corner, trying to discern what we would do next.
“Did anyone think to bring food down?” I asked. Blank stares darted around our circle. So that was a solid no then. I sighed.
“I’ll try to bring some down later. Maybe I can sneak into the kitchens.”
“You should go soon,” Janika said. “It will be more suspicious if you are not at dinner.”
I grasped her hand and gave it a squeeze, knowing that she was right, hoping that I would be able to find a way to get food without being noticed. My legs began to tremble with the reality of what we were about to do and that there was no end in sight. Slowly, I rose and bid my friends farewell.
“Speak quietly, and try to save candlelight if you can,” I said, turning back into my own darkness and making my way, alone, back up the rickety staircase. The back of my neck prickled as though watched by a pair of keen eyes, and I slapped the base of my hair. Shaking off my senseless fear, I quickly snuffed out my candle, stashing it behind a tattered curtain. After returning to the main floor, I slowed my pace as I sauntered down the hallway that led to the dining hall.
“And you think we can trust someone of your kind in our ranks?” A doubtful and malicious voice came from a cracked doorway on my right. Electric light spilled into the hallway, and I paused, holding my breath.
“You can, sir. No one knows the Jews better than me. I would be happy to serve you as a double agent. I think you’ll like what I can get for you.”
My heart sank. I knew that voice. I adored it, actually.
Sebastian.
There was silence as my whole world fell apart, and then stood perfectly still. The recruiting officer was deliberating. Finally, I heard the scrape of a chair on a wooden floor as someone rose.
“Your services will be much appreciated, Sebastian. Of course, given the blood that runs through your veins, you understand we will have to watch you most carefully, yes? Any missteps, and you will be treated as one of them.”
“I understand,” Sebastian said solemnly. Unwilling to hear any more, I rushed to the dining hall, which was noticeably more vacant. A new table full of Nazi soldiers took residence toward the front of the room, though they were having such a jolly time among themselves that they barely noticed anyone else. Jean glanced up, her gaze victorious.
“Aw, looks like the little Jew lover has no one left to sit with,” she said loudly, her table erupting in laughter. Keeping my head down, I grabbed my food and made my way over to one of our old tables, which was now painfully empty. Although my stomach growled with hunger, I poked balefully at my plate until I felt, rather than heard, the collective gasp that swept through the room.
Looking up, I saw Sebastian, clad in a brown uniform with a shiny red swastika badge proudly displayed on his arm. He glared around the room, letting people accept and understand his new status. He then filled a plate of his own, and to my dismay, made his way over to me.
“J,” he said in greeting. I stared at him with my mouth agape, like a fish. He began eating, as though nothing had changed.
“What are you doing?” I hissed. He kept eating, eyes on his plate.
“I should think it’s quite obvious,” he said, conversationally. I waited for him to go on. Finally, his gaze met mine, and the usual lightning bolt struck. I quickly tamped it down, seeing as how he was now a Nazi.
“There’s not much I would have been able to do for them sitting down there in the dark, J,” he said, maintaining his nonchalant manner. He glanced up quickly from his plate before directing his gaze back down to his food.
“Stop looking so shocked. It will only increase suspicion.”
Realizing that my whole body was tense and that I was about two seconds from shouting and crying about what we would do if he were caught, I meticulously relaxed every part of my body and picked up my fork. It took everything I had not to cry.
“What will you do if they find out?” I asked, chewing on a piece of salty sausage. I could barely register the flavor.
“Die, probably,” he said, wiping his mouth with a napkin. I choked.
“You need to be more convincing, J. This behavior won’t cut it,” Sebastian spit out, his eyes fierce. For the first time since we met, I was afraid of him. This act was bold, and it could get us all killed. Still, I wasn’t sure if I
was afraid of him, or if I was afraid to take on the persona he demanded. Was there really any choice?
“People will think that you are lying simply by sitting with me,” I said. “Everyone knows Giselle is our friend. For God’s sake, Janika is your sister!”
“Not if they think I’m convincing you to join in my newly accepted viewpoints,” he said, placing a hand on my shoulder and gazing at me with sympathetic eyes. “After all, Janika is only a half-sister, and my father is of noble blood from the correct political party.”
“Now bow your head, as though what I’m telling you is hard to understand, but that you’re accepting it. Go on,” he instructed, and I performed with an ease brought on by so much practice. What he was saying was impossible. From my lowered lashes I glanced around the room, catching the curious stares of nearly every table.
“Good,” Sebastian said, removing his hand and taking a sip of water from his clouded glass. Evidently whoever was in charge of keeping our dishes clean had also been disbanded. “Now let us speak on conversationally, perhaps about music, and I will meet you in the catacombs tonight at midnight.”
There was not much more to say beyond that. We instantly dove into a conversation about the current play and when we would get to have our first performance. Time turned to molasses as an acceptable end came to our meal, and we parted ways. I hid my frown as I watched Sebastian join his fellow soldiers to give them the good news. I would give up my old foolish, tolerant ways and cooperate with the Reich. One of them gave me a salacious wink, and I rewarded him with a modest smile, my stomach churning.
I very nearly vomited right then and there.
Right before I got back to my room, I realized that I had forgotten all about food for Giselle and Janika. I cursed, which I rarely ever did, before carefully closing my door and staring into space. A few hours stood between me and midnight, and with nothing else to do, I sat and chewed off all my fingernails, one by one. I then stared at the jagged crescents, wondering how I would hide them as a clear sign of my deceit. I began to pace as I thought about every possible worst-case scenario, imagining our deaths over and over as the darkness inexorably wore on.
Finally, when the time came, I dressed in my usual nightgown and robe. If I were caught, I could simply say that I was on my way to the restroom or to get a glass of water. Creaking open my door and grating my teeth at the sharp sound, I peeked out into a dark and empty corridor. I slid my slippered feet along the floor in an attempt to dull the sound, glancing about me as much as I could without being suspicious. I held my breath as I approached the catacomb door, glancing back one more time before I creaked it open and felt my way blindly down the steps. I didn’t dare light the candle with so much darkness to spread its light.
My eyes had already adapted to the pitch black of night, but it was still impossible to see into the dark depths of the earthy chambers below. Knowing our hideaway as I did, I carefully ran my hand along cold, stony walls, the grains trickling along my fingertips. My foot reached out for the final step to the floor, and I turned to the right, then left, as I had a million times before. It wasn’t hard to see the candlelight pouring out from under our door. I knocked three times before entering once again.
When I came in, my eyes squinted as they adjusted to the candlelight, searching the room. Janika was in her brother’s arms, Giselle standing across the room with her arms crossed around her middle as though she would be sick. As I crept in, they all turned their attention to me, and Sebastian released his sister and quite suddenly wrapped his arms around me fully, squeezing me close against his chest. Not knowing what else to do, I coiled my arms around the muscles of his back and breathed in his warmth. Clean cotton, every time.
I caught Giselle’s angry glance from behind Sebastian’s shoulder and released my grip as a signal for him to pull away. He did, though as our arms slid apart he held onto my forearms, maintaining the embrace.
“You were fantastic today, J. Really,” he said, his eyes sparkling with admiration. “I know that between the two of us, we can save my sister…and Giselle,” he said, as an afterthought. I tried to ignore her flinch as she was tacked on as an addendum. Sliding my hands fully out of his grip, I sat on one of the many blankets we had snuck down over the past months, padded by a few thin pillows, and wrapped my arms around my knees to keep out the damp cold. It was still March, and it was freezing. Sebastian grabbed another blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders before sitting across from me. Giselle and Janika joined us, forming a circle around our precious candle—the only light in a sea of black.
“So, what next?” I asked, wishing I didn’t have to be the one to ask it. I was met with fearfully blank stares. Janika’s stomach growled.
“You brought no food with you?” Sebastian asked. Janika shrugged.
“It wasn’t like we had a lot of time, Sebastian. We were lucky not to get tripped and beaten in the hallway as it is.” He nodded, accepting her reasoning. Her stomach growled again, and she wrapped her arms around her middle self-consciously.
“We’ll get you something tomorrow. Somehow we’ll figure out a way,” I said, guilt pulsing through my temples.
We then proceeded to fabricate a plan. Sebastian and I would alternate days if we couldn’t make it down together, using coded messages to sub in if one of us couldn’t make it for one reason or another. There was another room next to ours that the girls would have to use as a restroom, as there was nothing else to that end. We would use this system until we could come up with a way for Sebastian to use his inside status to sneak them out of the country. By the end of our conversation, every face was gaunt. Giselle yawned, causing a chain reaction of open mouths.
“We should get going,” Sebastian finally said, pressing into the ground to lift himself back up. Carefully, I released the grip around my knees and slowly stretched out one stiff leg after the other before attempting to rise. Sebastian’s hand was already held out for me to take, and so I took it, knowing that Giselle would likely scold me even in these circumstances. Brushing off invisible dirt from my front in an attempt to gather my wits, I hugged my friends farewell. Their skin was already too cold, and I thought of the miserable night they would pass in this hole—once our only safe haven.
“Blow out the candle after we leave,” Sebastian instructed, giving the girls his own hugs and pulling out of Giselle’s embrace as gently as he could after she held on too long. We carefully closed the portal between us and stepped into our new roles. The candle was out instantly, and we were plunged in darkness once again. Sebastian grasped my small hand in his much larger one, pulling me slowly through the hallway as he navigated our way back to the creaky staircase. Slowly, we took each step as carefully as possible, and I knew there would never come a day when I wouldn’t wince from the slightest sound. When we reached the top, Sebastian closed the door tightly, and, still holding my hand, led me across the stage to the opposite curtain. To my surprise, he leaned into its folds, concealing us in its drapes, and wrapped me deeply into his arms once again, holding me tight. Fearful, and without the glaring eyes of Giselle boring into me, I held onto him for dear life.
“How are we going to do this, J?” he breathed into my hair, resting his lips there. My body was torn between the excitement of having him hold me close and the terror of being responsible for the lives of my friends. I said nothing. My breath was coming in harsh gasps that I tried to hold in to keep from making a sound, and I wanted to scream. I wanted to undo the events of the past day and live in a world where we could all be safe and happy…if such a place could even exist. Finally, I found the words.
“We’ll find a way. We have no choice,” I said, turning my head to lay my cheek comfortably against his starched costume. For a minute we stood, holding each other for comfort, clinging tightly to the calm before the storm.
“We should go,” I whispered, pulling away.
“J…” I could feel his protest, and it broke my heart.
“Giselle loves you
, Sebastian. You must know that,” I said, matter-of-factly. To me, friendship was everything, even if it meant betraying my own heart. Still, said heart refused to pull away as I felt his hand slide along my cheek, cupping my face.
“And what of my own love? Am I allowed to give that to who I wish?” he asked, leaning in closer. I could feel the heat of his breath, my need to kiss him stronger than any pull I had ever felt in my life. Slowly, deliciously, he leaned in, his lips on the verge of brushing against mine…
“Everyone up, now!” one of the Nazi soldiers was ringing a cowbell as he stormed up and down the hallways. I jumped in alarm, and Sebastian quickly led us to the side door, where we knew there was a restroom just outside.
“When I tell you, turn straight into the bathroom and make as if that’s where you were coming from, ok?” he asked, the whites of his eyes glittering in the shadows. I nodded, hoping he felt it, since I’m sure he couldn’t see. He seemed to, because he cracked open the door, waited for what seemed like forever, and then pushed me out.
Suddenly exposed to the cool air of the hall, I had just a second to collect my wits before dodging into the bathroom door, turning as though I were on my way out and not on my way in. Another soldier was banging his way down the hallway, and he approached me aggressively, his eyes fierce.
“Get into the dining hall, now,” he demanded.
“Wh…why?” I stammered. A part of me celebrated the fact that he hadn’t noticed where I had come from. That small sense of victory was quickly squelched.
“A Jew was found hiding in a closet. He’s going to be…reprimanded,” he said, his smirk snakelike. I shivered. It was more than likely that whoever was found was a friend of mine that I hadn’t bothered to save. On numb legs, I followed behind the soldier. We were met with sleepy eyes and tousled heads as everyone was forced to leave their rooms to observe the perpetrator. Collectively, we shuffled into the brightly lit dining hall. The wooden tables had been cleared to the sides of the room to make way for the students. At the room’s center, a dark haired boy was curled in a ball on the ground, surrounded by Nazi soldiers.
Past Lives Page 15