by Low, Gennita
“You made an honest mistake, Luke. Ask me how many times I’ve fallen asleep on trips from San Diego to visit my parents here. I can think of half a dozen times when I was too tired, shouldn’t have been driving, and was just lucky nothing happened.”
He nodded, looking thoughtful.
“Why do I get that there’s a ‘but’ in there somewhere?” she ventured.
“With Stephanie in San Diego, I decided to transfer to one of the west coast teams. I thought it would be a fresh start.”
Her heart ached for him, for the torment he bore so bravely.
“And it worked, in a way. I worked up with Team 3, I went overseas with the group. Two days before we were to come home, I was catching some quick Z’s—just long enough for the young Marine who was covering for me get hit with a round. He died in my arms.”
“Thank goodness you were there to hold him,” she said. She could tell her comment startled Luke.
“No, he died because of me. Just like—just like Camilla.”
Julie then placed her palm over his. “You didn’t kill either one of them, Luke. They made decisions, too, that contributed to what happened. It’s nobody’s fault.”
He stared down at her fingers as they rubbed his.
“I remember this,” he whispered.
Oh, God. She did too. The feel of him under her hands. The feel of his hands on her. The importance of that touch to a starving soul. He had taken on the burdens of the whole world and held himself responsible for them.
Tears silently ran down his cheeks as he lifted her fingers to his lips and kissed the tips. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Julie. I—well, you remind me of her.”
He didn’t let go of her hand. “I thought I should just leave. Would be better for you if I just left. So I did.”
She extended her arm further and brushed the side of his cheek with the back of her hand. “Except it hurt. It hurt real bad, Luke. You see, I didn’t want you to go.”
He brought his other hand on top of their entwined fingers.
She thought about it for a second, doing a quick gut check. Was she up to this? Although she knew it wasn’t wise, she decided she was. “And I still don’t.”
Chapter Ten
‡
They walked in the early morning sunlight to where he’d parked his car. She recognized the feel of the tan leather, and the smell of it mixed with his own personal scent, as he helped her inside. Time stood still as she watched him walk in front of her and then open the driver-side door to take his place behind the wheel.
He hadn’t asked her to come with him to his room at the large hotel downtown, but she knew that’s where he was taking her.
He held her hand possessively as they walked over the carpeted hallway to the upstairs room, where he inserted his key card, and escorted her inside.
She knew there were no easy answers for Luke’s struggles, and she’d need resources she didn’t have in order to be able to help him find the right direction. Julie also knew she couldn’t walk the path for him, that it was a journey he would have to take, feel comfortable taking, alone. There was no way she could take away the pain or share his burden, not matter how hard she might grow to want to in time.
But she could make sure that he felt loved. Was that what she felt right now? Probably not. They barely knew each other, even though, because of their intense passion for each other, they’d shared a level of intimacy she’d not felt before. But it was too soon to call it love. And it would be unhealthy for her to do so, regardless of whether it was good for him.
Her students this year had been an especially bright and creative bunch. Unruly on many days, as seemed to be happening more frequently. Or maybe she was learning to be more patient with them, letting them explore more and spend less time focused on strict obedience of the rules.
She could almost see in Luke some of the same things she occasionally saw in those scared little faces when were frustrated, trying to learn a new concept, or pushing to find out where their boundaries lay. Her job in the classroom was to ignite and stimulate their curiosity and not turn them off to a life of learning, exploration. First she had to earn their trust, and then they’d follow. She’d learned early on that she couldn’t force a lesson plan on them, just as she couldn’t force compliance. They had to want to be good students.
The hotel room was dark, even though it was morning and there was not a cloud in the sky. The drapes were closed, and he did not turn on the lights.
She swallowed hard. A trickle of fear traveled down her spine, as she faced the fact that this might be unwise. The promise of great sex was in the air. She could easily fall right back into where they’d been before, in her own words, “entangled” between the sheets. But that would mean ignoring the huge red flags surrounding him. He’d already told her of a tortured past. Now she began to worry that perhaps he wasn’t being totally truthful with her.
Were his tears intended to snag her heart, make her do something that was unsafe and unwise?
Images of her former boyfriend, Dan, flashed in front of her eyes. He was a young Navy recruit she’d met at a back-to-school night. He’d said he came with his niece, who was in another grade, a different class than Julie’s. Said he was filling in for his sister, who was out of town.
Why did men have to lie? She’d found out after several all-consuming nights with him that he was indeed married, and had a string of kids born outside his marriage all over the globe.
Was it happening again?
Luke sat on the bed and pulled her towards him.
“I’m not sure I can do this, Luke.”
His roaming hands stopped immediately and he stood, brushing her aside.
He began pacing back and forth at the end of the bed. She didn’t think he was faking some intense emotional turmoil.
“I’m sorry. This was my fault. Again.”
She felt sorry for the man whose chest was heaving, whose breathing was labored and who kept restlessly running his fingers through his hair.
“By accident I’ve learned a few things about you and your family,” she began. “But I’m still not getting any answers from you, Luke. What is this all about, then? You want sex, but you don’t want to talk? You want to take from me and you don’t want to give?”
She watched for signs he was getting angry. If any of that surfaced, she’d be gone in a heartbeat.
“Talk to me, Luke. Tell me something, so I don’t have to ask. That’s a good place to start.” She walked over to the drapes. “May I open these a little?”
“Sorry. Of course. I hadn’t noticed.” He quickly moved past her and began pulling the sides back, his arms grazing against her backside unintentionally. All the heat began pooling between her thighs again.
Damn.
Her ache for him was dulling her common sense.
What he did next made all the difference. Sitting on the edge of the bed, facing the light streaming in from the window, he patted his thigh. “Come here, Julie. Please. No reason to be afraid of me. I would never do anything, ever, to hurt you.”
She did as he asked. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her face to his chest, tucking her just under his chin. His hands didn’t roam. He held her quietly.
“Camilla was a teacher, just like you. In fact, she also taught elementary school.”
Julie arched back to examine his face.
“You remind me of her. I think that makes it even harder, for me at least.”
She didn’t want to ask, but she had to. “Am I a substitute for someone you miss?”
He didn’t pull her towards him to try to convince her. “God, no, Julie. It just surprised me. All the guilt I felt at being the cause of the accident came flooding back to the surface, and I went immediately into shut-down mode.” He pressed his forehead against hers and took hold of her hands in one of his. “I’m in counseling now, and I’ve learned a few things. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to apologize.”
She smooth
ed his fingers, aware that their entanglement was deepening.
And she didn’t care.
“I was told not to expect that you’d forgive me. Or to hang my getting better on whether or not you wanted to have anything to do with me anymore.”
She placed her palms at his cheeks. “I’m not going anywhere, Luke. I’m right here.”
She’d forgotten how much she’d missed his kiss. When their lips met, it was so natural to open to him, let him taste her, feel his mouth claiming her and let their tongues mingle. When he groaned, she felt his need, his loneliness rise to the surface. She gave him back everything she could, kissing his eyes, his temples, fondling the hair at the nape of his neck.
“God, Luke. I never realized how much I’d missed you until right now.”
“Baby. Stay with me. Don’t go, sweetheart.”
“Yes.” There was nowhere else she could go. Her whole world was right here in this room with her.
He slid his fingers under her cotton shirt, squeezing her breast as she recalled her naughty black satin bra. He bit the side of her neck and she hissed, arching back, pressing herself against his torso. She kissed every button she unbuttoned down his chest, flicking his skin with the tip of her tongue, drinking of the salty, musky scent of him. She heard the vibration of his guttural response as her lips kissed his chest, as her tongue encircled his nipples and her teeth nipped at him gently.
She was breathless, starved for him. He rewarded her sighs by lifting her in his arms and laying her on the bed. He watched as she wiggled her way out of her jeans. He matched her by removing his, and then uncovering his massive torso. She watched his corded muscles move just under the surface of his tanned and scarred skin.
Fully bare to him, she let him gaze at her in the morning light. Her peach was dripping with anticipation. His beautiful body came to kneel over her. Then he gently pressed down his body, holding himself flat, like one long plank, touching her first with his cock at her belly button and then covering her warmly, as she lifted her knees and wrapped her legs around his waist.
She fully accepted his girth, riding him, moving her hips to his penetration, which started slow and deliberate, and then settled into a rhythm that began to ignite her insides. She felt how easily he slipped in and out of her wet channel. Arching backward, the back of her head rooted down into the pillow, she dropped her legs, pressed her heels to the bed and met him, shoving her pelvis onto his shaft as he plunged in relentlessly deep. The pre-orgasm drowning sensation, the feeling that she would never get enough of him, like she needed more air, started to overtake her as her internal muscles began to pulse and snap tight against him.
“Yes, baby. Sweetheart, fly away with me, baby.”
“Oh, God, Luke. I love this.”
“Yes, it’s good for me too, baby,” he whispered as he dove his face into the side of her neck and began to suck.
She felt like her bones were made of rubber. She merged all around him, rubbing his ass with her palms and then pulling him deeper. Crying out for him as her shattering rocketed throughout her body. She began to whimper, her self-control now fully gone. She felt pliable, putty in his arms, needing his hardness, needing to feel his muscular his shoulders, taste the sweat at the top of his breastbone. He was arching, groaning and she wanted to feel that groan in her mouth so she rose and begged, pressing her lips to his, and sucking his tongue deep.
The jerking of his cock deep inside her as her sensitive walls clasped him, encouraged him to spurt his seed, gave them delicious seconds of respite. The refreshing satisfaction of two bodies in perfect synch, both needing and serving up each other’s passion equally.
As he collapsed against her chest, she laced her fingertips over his back and butt cheeks, rewarded with an occasional jerk her touch stimulated in him. She loved the feel of this warrior’s body on top of her, in her, all around her. His strong arms held her as no other had ever done. The world felt like a magical, safe place again, as long as Luke was there with her.
Chapter Eleven
‡
Luke was deliciously tired from their lovemaking. Afterwards, as they were catching their breath, she didn’t stop the soft caresses at his back, and he found himself slipping into a pool of apricot light. He felt safe. Loved. He was grateful he’d had enough sense not to scare her away. He was also grateful he’d gotten a chance to make things a little more right with her, emotionally. Or at least he hoped that’s what had happened. In his current state, he wasn’t quite sure.
He told himself it wasn’t just because they were going to be family, it was because he’d known it was the right thing to do, even if she never wanted to have anything more to do with him after. He’d hated himself for how he’d treated her, and hoped she didn’t still feel he had taken more than he had given. It was worth the risk, and at the first sign of resistance, he planned to stop.
But she went with him to that place where there wasn’t any pain, where the future wasn’t a dreaded, dark place. Where everywhere around him the people he cared about hadn’t left him. She stayed, holding his hand for those few delicious moments.
He sank into a deep sleep in her arms.
He woke up refreshed, but alone in the bed. The sun had dipped lower, telling him it wasn’t early evening yet, but he’d spent the day sleeping, with the curtains open. That was a very hopeful sign.
“Julie?” he called out, not seeing her clothes on the floor. No sounds came from the closet or bathroom. “Julie, are you still here?”
There was no answer.
He fell backwards into the bed, worried he’d done something to set her off. Her scent was still in the sheets, but the place where her body had lain was cold. He missed her terribly.
He got up, searching the room, looking for evidence she had been there on the off chance this had all been a dream, like so many of the other dreams he’d been having lately. On the dresser, near the TV, he found a note.
Thank you for breakfast. Just had some things I needed to do for the wedding, and thought I’d give you some space. Try to get some rest.
He fingered the note, the swirling, perfect script of her cursive handwriting. It was nice of her to leave it for him, but it was also nice of her to give him some room. She’d not asked or said anything about getting together again, although it was certain they’d see each other before the wedding. But he liked that she didn’t cling to him. He knew he wasn’t a very good prospect for that, anyhow.
He called his LPO, Kyle Lansdowne, overdue to check in.
“You getting rest?” Kyle asked.
“Yes, even took a nap this morning.”
“Long night?”
“Actually not. We had the rehearsal and dinner last night at Stephanie’s in-laws. Nice people.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“Actually feels kind of fuckin’ normal up here. I’m relaxing, Kyle.”
“Yeah, until you meet someone. Luke, you be real careful with your behavior, hear me? Maybe caution on the side of keepin’ it zipped?”
“I understand,” he said, not wanting to find out what Kyle would think of his breakfast date.
“And use this time to get some rest. Next workup, I want you in it, but I also want you whole.”
“Roger that.”
“Say hi to Stephanie for me,” Kyle said. Luke could hear their toddler, Brandon, in the background.
“You babysitting again, Kyle?”
“Fuckin’ A. Someone’s got to pay the bills.”
Christy was a successful realtor, and made far more money than her SEAL husband. But she also had a tendency to spend more than most the rest of the wives combined.
Luke showered and decided to stop in on a Navy recruiter, as was his custom when he traveled. Most of the men and women who worked there were more than happy to have an active duty SEAL for their young prospects to talk to, ask questions of. The office was sparsely populated. All the branches of service had offices in the same building. A pool table was in one of
the big meeting rooms. A video was streaming in the corner, showing training tapes just above a table filled with recruiting information.
Luke watched a Navy SEAL video showing a boat crew barreling down a river somewhere, firing guns and soaking the surrounding riverbanks with twenty-foot plumes of water. The virtues of joining the Teams were being extolled between scenes of gunfire and water blasting. One segment read: Enjoy Wildlife. In the background, the SWCC boat crew was silent until a large sea bass leapt in front of the boat. The gunner in front shot it, causing it to fall into their boat. That clip always made Luke laugh.
He spent a few minutes talking with the recruiters there, and a couple of the boys who were inquiring about life in the military. He was always happy to talk to them, although the hero worship he saw in their eyes did make him a little uncomfortable. He never thought of himself as a very big deal. Especially not now.
Luke also knew that every man’s journey was his own. Every man’s pain was his own to deal with. But asking for help was the hardest part…and something they all had to do.
He agreed to do some physical training with a few of the young recruits later in the week, if something could be arranged in time.
He called Nick Dunn, who he had befriended during their last tour together with SEAL Team 3. Nick was building a house on a little ten-acre patch in the middle of a valley floor surrounded by vineyards. There’d be another wedding sometime later in the year, when the house was finished. Nick and Devon wanted to be married in the gardens his sister, Sophie, had started several years before she had passed on.
“Holy shit, I didn’t believe it when Kyle told me you might be up this way.”
“I’m here, all right. Can I come see what you’re doing?”
“You are most certainly welcome. I’ll even let you use my hammer,” Nick said. “You got old clothes that can get dirty, or are you fixin’ for a hot date?”
“I’m good with the getting dirty. And the girl might be okay with me dirty. But I got no plans right now,” Luke felt a pang of regret that he didn’t have plans, but knew it was best for the two of them to have some space. In fact, he was grateful that Julie wasn’t all over his phone, texting and calling. It made it a lot easier to relax until he could figure out what was best for both of them.