She slips her hands under my T-shirt and the burning sensation unsettles me. I stagger and fall on her. I hold her so tight that I can perceive all her body’s reactions to my touch. Her caresses turn my senses upside down and my crotch stands up as she rubs herself against me. I pull away to catch my breath and her devastated face has the effect of a slap.
“It makes me sick to think about all you’ve been through.” I whisper, looking at her dark eyes, still ravaged by past’s torments.
She tenses at the sound of my voice and I hold her tighter so she can’t push me away. She hasn’t said a word, but I know part of her wants to exclude me from her life before getting hurt again. I can feel her whole body struggle to get rid of me. I await the inevitable, but she does nothing.
I wake up with a start like unsettled by a disturbing sensation. The warmth of Sandre’s body reassures me instantly. She has this surprising effect on me, calming down my fears and tensions. I bury my fingers in her incredibly soft hair, hold her tighter and lean over in search of the red numbers of my alarm clock, but darkness surrounds us entirely. Fuck, where are we?
And suddenly I understand, I never went home. “Crap!” I grumble with her still fast asleep and our limbs tangled.
I take my cell phone out of my pocket to check the time. Fuck, it’s almost midnight. Gently I untangle my legs from hers and slip a hand under her knees. I carry her up to her bed and when I think she’s back asleep I realize her eyes are open and looking at me surprised. “I didn’t mean to wake you.” I whisper putting her down on her mattress. “It’s late I’ll try to stop by tomorrow. Sleep.”
I gently kiss her and run down the stairs. I hate leaving like this when we haven’t even talked, when she thinks I’m nothing but an asshole using her. And I hate to know she’s right! I step over the neighbor’s bush, feeling guilty for leaving her alone. God, how she must have suffered from this loneliness!
In less time than it takes to say it, I’m in front of my house. I take a deep breath and try to calm down before entering on my tiptoes. I’m reassured to see that all lights are off. Everybody is sleeping. With a little luck, I could avoid the storm. I take off my shoes and set to walk to the stairs when a shadow startles me. My mother’s here, sitting on the first step, she’s just stood up.
“How could you go on with this craziness in spite of my warnings? I thought you loved Marcy.” She speaks in a low voice so she doesn’t wake up my father and Colin, but I can hear the anger in her voice, as clearly as if she had already poured out her rage.
I can’t see her eyes, but I’m sure she’s glaring at me. She can’t imagine how much I’m upset myself. I’m terribly mad at Sandre’s parents to have made her the witness of a devastating relationship, and I’m mad at all those adults who think they’re best suited to judge our own lives. My mother has no right to direct my existence!
“What if I had just changed my mind and realized we have nothing in common.” I provoke her, very well knowing I’ll never get the last word with her.
“Don’t ruin everything just to defy me.”
“Do not think of yourself as the center of my world, I’m not rebelling. I’m just evolving, maybe not in the way you wish, but I have no intention of choosing my life according to you. You’re going to have to live with it.”
I raised my voice even though I know they are sleeping upstairs. I would like to see her reaction, but it’s too dark for me to discern anything. We stay silent and motionless for a long time. And she ends up getting out of the way.
“Tomorrow, I have invited the Donnell’s over and I asked Marcy if she would like to join us. Whatever you do, I hope you will not embarrass your father and myself.” She declares as I’m already on the stairs.
The coldness of her words makes me freeze on the spot. She thinks I’m going to leave Marcy? This thought has crossed my mind earlier, it’s true, but I’m not yet ready to take this step. I first have to know who I am and what is going on between Sandre and me. My unexplainable attraction to her is not everything. She has an effect on me that completely shakes me up. It’s crazy, but I’m not able to have any constructive ideas when I think about her.
25 — Sandre
After he left, I stayed at my window for a long time to observe the dark street. He flew like a shadow in the night. It’s stupid, but I fear what he might do with my secret. All those who have gotten to know about it foully abandoned me. And why would he want to go on? We aren’t even friends. Unless he’s able to get over this to pursue our little perverse game. I’m really crazy to hope for something like that to happen. Anyway, what future do we have?
I should have gotten some sleep yet I lingered in the shower, as if the burning water could erase the weak idiot I showed him. How I hate myself! What if he used this weakness against me? I would like to tell him it’s over, that I can’t go on, but I know that if he insists, I’ll not be able to resist. He’s awakened the klutz I thought to have buried forever. How I hate him for doing this!
It was almost dawn when I found sleep and when I woke up it was already late. At around 11 I finally get up with the strong intention of putting my parents’ bedroom in order. I should have done it long ago. What stupid idea to leave such an obvious mark of my past. It proves that I’m still stupid.
As a knot twists my stomach I force myself to some breakfast. I’m drinking a mug of milk coffee when somebody knocks at the door. I think about Josh who promised me to stop by and I shudder at the idea of seeing him again. What a klutz I am, he’ll never set a foot in here after what he’s discovered. I’m sure that now that he got his senses back, he’ll wish more than anything to forget about me.
And I think about the mailman, about a recorded letter my parents need to sign for. I try to mentally make the list of the things he could be bringing me and once the door is wide open, I freeze on the spot.
It’s not the mailman.
Some tiny wee frail woman with a badly adjusted suit and grayish hair looks at me like at a mannequin in a bad taste boutique.
“Miss River? I’m Rachel Hutman from social services; I would like to speak to your parents.”
That bastard was fast! I gasp when I realize the betrayal. How could he do this to me? This is how he plans to get me out of his life? How am I to get rid of the stuck up old lady now? I take a deep breath before declaring with a big smile and the silly expression this kind of fucking bureaucrats loves:
“They went away for the weekend.”
“Does this happen often?” she asks trying to glance inside.”
“It’s their wedding anniversary Madam, but they will be back on Monday.” I specify without letting go of my first class smile.
“Well, then tell them I will come back on Monday after 5pm.”
“Of course Madam.” I answer with an unctuous voice that could almost make me gag.
She turns on her feet without having given the faintest smile. Ah, that woman gives me goose bumps! I watch her walk away unable to think before locking the door and running to my room.
I feel like destroying everything, like collapsing in a corner and crying for hours. It’s all over! I’m screwed. I hate him! I hold back the emotions that threaten to pin me down on the spot. I have to hold on.
I grab my travel bag, stuff it with all the spare clothes it can hold, run to the bathroom, take the shampoo, the shower gel, my toothbrush and makeup. I take out the savings I hid in a stash I created in a corner of the closet and get to the kitchen. I ignore my breakfast still laid on the counter, add some cookies to my load and leave the house through the back door.
I cut through the property of the Springers who are never here on weekends I find myself facing the Andersons’ imposing house. I know I should leave without turning back, it’s too late to change anything, but I want him to know. I want him to know how much he’s hurt me. I feel like I’m on the edge of an abyss. Sandre, hold back your rage a little longer, try not to think.
He’s ruined my life. The calm days and
peaceful future that was taking shape are gone. He’s fucked it all up like the fucking bastard he is. How could I get screwed over this easily? How could I trust him? Let him into my life? I got screwed over like a novice! What a klutz!
I knock at the door, praying it will be him who opens the door. I don’t want to see his father or worse his stuck up mother, but a barely six years old kid appears at the door. It’s his brother. His face is round, his cheeks pink and round, but he looks a lot like him with his light blue eyes and his super straight messed up brown hair.
“Is Josh here?” I ask with the calmest voice I can manage.
I force myself to breathe slowly. Calm down, if you blow too early, tears will come up and you’re screwed. “He’s in the living room.” He answers, giving me a big smile.
He’s smiling at me! He finds me friendly? He doesn’t even know me and he lets me in without asking who I am. I see him run up the stairs to the first floor, all perky. He doesn’t even show me in.
I walk hesitantly to the living room’s entrance from where I can hear cheerful talks. They’re all sitting at the table over a large feast. Josh is here, his arm around Marcy’s shoulder. She’s already part of the family. Oh yeah! His mother must be delighted to have a daughter in law with goody goody manners like her. Next to Josh are Will the nerd and his parents. I didn’t know they were close? At school they never talk to each other. Josh’s father is having a big conversation with the old Mister Donnell and his mother must certainly be in the kitchen.
Marcy is the first to see me. The surprise shows on her face, but there’s something else as well, something I can’t decipher.
“What the hell is this one doing here?” She shouts out in no way reflecting the well behaved girl she’s supposed to be.
In a split second, all eyes are on me and a terrifying silence sets in. I must have a terrible look considering the face they all make. I have a terrible urge to run away, yet I settle for yelling with a shaky voice, staring at him:
“Why did you do this to me?”
Josh’s face crumbles and he throws himself at me, griping my arm before I get time to react. His hand holds tight as he leads me away from the curious stares.
“Don’t touch me!” I scream, freeing myself with a brutal movement. “You really think I need to be put in foster care or is it just to get rid of me?”
It only took one touch and his blue irises on me, with all the shame I inspire him, to make the rage go up my throat and want to burst out more than anything. I’m like drunk and ready to throw out the excess.
“What are you talking about?”
His dark blue eyes try to hook mine as if the answers to his questions were there. He really looks like he doesn’t understand and for a moment I hesitate. But who else could have done this? My neighbors would have reported me long ago if they’d been any interested in me. I scrutinize Marcy. What if she knew? But considering the face she’s making, I doubt it. It’s him, it can only be him.
“About the social worker who dropped in this morning. Coincidentally, just when I told you about it.” Here it is, I’m boiling and I suddenly have the urge to slap him, but Marcy steps in between us. She stares at me as if I came straight from hell and her lower lip shakes slightly. I scare her this much?
“What’s this about Josh? Since when are you two seeing each other?”
And here comes Marcy Shepard joining the real world. Her face is red and crumbled as if she had just been slaped. Josh hesitates, frozen as if his heart was about to give up. Of course the truth will not be easy to hear. His eyes go from her to me as if he had trouble choosing. Why does this idiot have doubts? There’s no choice to be made.
So? Is he going to speak up? Marcy turns away from him to look at me like what the hell did you do to my boyfriend you bitch and I could almost want to make a mess to get my vengeance, but I don’t want to become this person.
“You know what? I’m not a snitch like you. Get by on your own to explain what you were doing with me.” I announce with a cold voice and turn on my feet to take off.
“Wait!” He shouts coming to me. He grabs me by the arm and forces me to leave his house without letting go off me. His fingers are clenched so tightly that I feel my skin redden under the pressure he applies. He closes the door behind us and presses me against the outside wall as if he was afraid I could run away.
“Sandre, I would never have done such thing to you. I know I acted like an idiot with you, but I care about you, more than you think.”
His eyes got darker, his features tensed and he stares at me as if his life was going to be as shattered as mine. What’s up with him? He’s gone crazy. He doesn’t mean what he’s saying, it can’t be. I’m just his fuck buddy, it’s not the end of the world for him. Guys and their dicks, seriously!
His arms frame my face and his hands restrain mine. He’s so close to me that I can feel his warm breath coming out in saccades like after a sprint. I hate him more than anything and he still has a crazy effect on me. I feel the current vibrating between us, the attraction pulling me to him. His presence is enough to make the whole world disappear and he kisses me savagely, as if it could erase all his mistakes.
He still thinks he can manipulate me with his bastard’s pretty face. I gather all the courage I have left as his tongue tastes mine as if he was hungry, and push him brutally away. I put some distance between us; I don’t want to feel that power he has over me anymore. “Nobody else knows. So, go on, tell me. Who did this to me?” I yell out of breath and suddenly absolutely furious.
He scrutinizes me as affected as if I had just slapped him for no reason. He doesn’t answer; he just settles for pleading me with his stare. He really thinks his hangdog expression is enough to make me forgive him? Fucking shit, why did he do this to me?
“I know you won’t believe me, but it wasn’t me.” He mumbles as if he was giving a farewell to his favorite pet.
He reaches out to me with a shaky imploring hand and I take a step back. I don’t know what’s up with him, but his behavior terrifies me. What’s this game? What does he expect to obtain acting this way? I’m condemned to running away or getting locked up and he still thinks we can peacefully fuck together.
“Calm down…come…we’ll talk about this, we’ll find a solution.” He insists slowly closing in.
Don’t tell me that idiot is feeling guilty? The door slams open and we both jump. Marcy bursts in and Josh’s expression changes instantly, as if he had just plastered a mask on his mug.
“What are you doing with her?” She scolds him with a severe look that has nothing terrifying.
Josh’s hand is still reaching out to me, but he isn’t looking at me anymore. Marcy watches his fingers calling out to me and he immediately pulls them back. She looks astounded and I can’t hold back a laugh thinking she didn’t get what’s going on. If she doesn’t know what this means, I do. When my father gave this kind of pleading look to my sexologist mother, she replied laughing: “God has given a brain and a sex to men, but not enough blood to irrigate both at the same time and unfortunately for them, the law of gravity gives an advantage to their dicks.” It’s crazy but I never would have imagined it could be this true.
“I really wanted to know why you did this, but you know what, I’ll do without.” I say walking away.
My mother would have advised me to stay, because in her opinion, guys always choose their balls, but I don’t want his balls to choose me. I don’t need them to get through. It might not be easy at first, but far away from him, I’ll forget about him, I’m sure of that. Well, or so I want to convince myself!
I don’t know where I’m going, I haven’t decided anything. I just know that I must put some distance between us and fast. When I get to the street I glance at him one last time. He hasn’t moved; he’s frozen there as if his world was crashing down around him and Marcy waits for him to react with an undecipherable expression.
“Where are you fleeing to?”
I hear hi
m scream like a last challenge.
“As far away as possible.” I answer without turning back.
And here I thought I understood guys, I miserably failed. I have to forget about him, my life isn’t about him anymore, nor about high school, nor about Winsted. I’ll go down south; I need some sun, warmth and fine sand. I’ll get a fake ID and find myself a calm little job. I’ll get through this. I have to get through this.
“Sandre!”
I freeze on the spot. I haven’t even gotten to the end of the street. I hear footsteps running to me, but I don’t dare to look. Is it Josh? Why does he insist? That idiot can’t have chosen his dick?
When I turn around to check, I’m dismayed. Will the nerd’s father is approaching, panting. What does that asshole want from me?
“Sandre, wait.” He yells breathless.
I scrutinize him stupefied. He’s tall and thin, but apart from this he looks nothing like his nerdy son. He’s the kind of man women must go after with his a little too long salt and pepper hair and his large dark incredibly expressive eyes. And the irises of this idiot seem moved to tears as if he had just run into his idol.
“If you are in trouble I can help you.” He specifies as if his proposition was somehow shameful.
That’s just my luck, I ran into one of those creepy altruists. Who does he think he’s, the Salvation Army? Do I look this desperate?
“What the hell do you care?” I answer coldly, well decided to get rid of him as soon as possible.
“I knew your parents well. If you have problems with them I can talk to them.”
This guy was friends with my folks? Where’s he coming from? Why don’t I know him? And what does he think? That he’s going to tell them it’s not nice to abandon your daughter like this and bam, they’ll come back. How can he still be this naïve at his age?
Sinder 1: Experimentation Page 16