by Jax Hart
But she wasn’t made for me.
I was fucked up back then and looking for love.
She panted my name telling me she didn’t love him anymore; that they were high school sweethearts whose relationship had passed its due date. But she couldn’t end it while he was on tour.
She was gonna do it as soon as he got out.
But he didn’t.
He died instead.
Guilt over what I did kept me from going back.
I’ll never know if Trev knew I was doing his wife.
I drank for days after I got released from the hospital in Germany I was airlifted to, hurt in the same blast that killed him.
“Fuck. I’m sorry Trev. So sorry. I wish it were me—not you,” I utter to the moon and stars streaking overhead as Smith barrels down the PCH towards San Diego.
The only thing that’s important to me now is protecting Shanna Flynn from the club life. I need to get her out; not force her in. As God and Trev as my witness, I will do this. Maybe, saving her from this life is my penance. To let her go, help her pursue a dream that doesn’t include me—will cut what’s left of my heart out. But it’s what I need to do. It’s the only sacrifice worth making now.
Before the sun rises—I’m going to be in the middle of a civil war. The fight for the club is on my shoulders and before the sun sets tomorrow, I’ll either be dead or attending my coronation as King of Creed.
A man who has seen less evil than I would be shitting his pants right now. Esteban Cortez saunters towards me across the desert terrain. Half his face is in shadow, the other half illuminated by the moonlight. He’s as built as I am, but a few inches shorter. His arms covered in ink, eyes pitch black as hell, he ignores me speaking directly to Carmen, “You all right?”
She nods.
“Come to me.”
On a sob, she runs, and he holds his arms out wide.
“She’s his sister.” Smith grunts, taking out a pack of cigarettes offering me one.
“Let’s ride. I have a gringo to kill. His pack’s gonna need a new leader.”
“Zach is gonna be hard to find. He knows that his ranks are split, and half is out for his blood.”
“Sί. With my crew. We’ll have the numbers. There’s only so many places a rat like him can hide. After what he did to my sister and my VP’s woman… he’s as good as dead.”
I finish my smoke and hang my head, hating the position I’m in. I never wanted to be king. But maybe my old man is up there somewhere, proud as shit that despite turning my back on everything he built—I’m gonna be the one who takes it back to its former glory. I’ll make the MC right again, bring it back into a brotherhood that can’t be fucked with. Fill it with good men that know right from wrong—men with the code of honor in their blood. Sure, we still might do some illegal shit on the side—but nothing like the shit Zach was pulling. Christy will have no worries with me and after a few years of setting things right; just maybe Shanna and I could have a chance then. If she’ll wait for me. If fate is sweet. But I’m old enough to know that unicorns and rainbows and happy endings only exist in the storybooks read to young children. But maybe, just maybe, a bastard like me could get one too.
I should be exhausted, but adrenalin’s been pumping through my veins for hours. My heavy boots thump against the wood kitchen floor to the coffee machine on the counter. Fuck it. Turning away from the pot, I open the fridge and grab a beer. Popping the cap off, I walk to the sliding glass window to my deck and once again watch the first rays of the sun reach across the sky. But this dawn really does bring a new day, one that might make me Creed’s new king.
“Shanna? I’m sorry baby. Sorry I haven’t called sooner… I. Fuck. I—”
“Just say it. Say whatever it is.”
“I need you to know,” I inhale sharply taking my time letting the air out of my lungs, “that I meant every word I ever said to you.”
She’s silent, waiting for me to say the words that will destroy her dreams of us.
“I’m back in the club. I swear to you baby, I never wanted to be. I ran from this life the first chance that I got. But fate is fate. Maybe inheriting the throne was always mine.”
“What’s going on? What happened?” Her voice is barely a whisper.
“I’m just gonna tell it to you straight and hope to god you understand.”
I pull out my lighter and pack of Marlboro Lights. With the butt pressed to my lips, I light it taking a deep drag. “The Prez here in LA kidnapped two girls from a rival club. A few of his men worked ‘em over pretty good. They were days away from being sold to a cartel in Mexico as sex slaves. ”
I inhale, looking east as the first rays of the sun stretch over the skyline. “I had to do it. Step in and save those girls, but Shanna—Zach knows about you. Either someone was tailing me, or we have a snitch in Springdale. I’m sending extra guys to protect you. I need you to be careful baby doll. This isn’t a game.”
“No. It’s not. And it’s about time you, Pops and Meat stopped moving me around like a piece on a game board.”
“God dammit Shanna!” I roar, punching the wall, “What is it with you and the constant need to prove you’re some tough girl? He’ll rape you and sell you. Is that what you want? Just stay put and under guard until I can come for you.”
“And how long will that be?” She replies dryly.
“I’m not sure cherry. The official vote’s tonight.”
“What vote?”
“The one on making me, Prez.”
The line’s silent. Then her breath comes in fast puffs. “No. No, Duke. TELL THEM NO! It can’t be you. The club life is not the life I want.”
“I know. But it has to be me. What if I could make it different?”
“I don’t see how. Please don’t do this. There’s nothing I want more than to get out of this town… away from everyone who knows me and out of the shadow of being Colin Flynn’s daughter. I can’t leave one shadow just to step under another one. I won’t be a club lady. Can’t you understand?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose closing my eyes. “That’s the damn thing. I do understand Shanna. It’s what I ran from all those years ago, and yet here I am. I think maybe this is what I’m meant to do. I need to make shit right for my old man—for your Ma. I can’t go back and say so many things… share so many regrets. But I can set the club he dedicated his life to right. It’s his legacy, and I need to protect it.”
“Where does this leave us? Over before we could even begin?” I hear the pain in her voice; as she realizes the dream, we both had of being together just vanished.
I grip the phone hard hanging my head. For the first time in years—maybe ever, my heart cracks into shards of glass; cutting itself into pieces that bleed onto the floor. “I won’t be selfish enough to string you along; expecting you to wait for me to get everything here straight. I want you to enjoy senior year. Go to football games, frat parties—you know, live the normal life of a college student.”
“How? With a gang of tatted members trailing behind me?”
“Zach will be dealt with soon. But setting the MC on a different path is gonna take time. I gotta amend some relationships and sever others. You're gonna be safe, baby doll. That’s my first order of business.”
“This is complete bullshit. I hate you. I wish you never walked into my bar that rainy day and made me love you.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t think that. Please,” I reply hoarsely.
“I need to go. I have an exam to study for.”
“I’ll be back for you. I swear it. I don’t know when but one day I’ll come for you. If you’re married and happy, I’ll ride out into the rain knowing you found what you were looking for. But if I come back and you're still behind that bar and slaving away at the house. I swear to God, Shanna—I’m taking you with me. Fuck the club life. To hell with everything, if we somehow find our way back to each other—I’ll never let you go.”
“I won’t be waiting. Pretty words, Duke. You paint a dr
eam with just words and I can’t—won’t buy into it anymore. Goodbye.”
“Motherfucker!” My hand swipes everything on my counter to the floor. My hand squeezes into a fist, and I vow to make losing her worth it. Zach is going down. I’m setting shit right and going back for her. One day. One day we’re gonna ride out into the sunset. I’ll make her believe the dream again.
MY EYES ARE full of grit. I blink several times, but it doesn’t help. My room’s dark, the house silent. Hours have gone by.
It’s after midnight.
I spent the past few days just going through the motions. School. Home. They even took the bar away from me. Meat said it wasn’t safe for me to work as long as the MC is having a civil war. I’m practically driven to school in an armored truck. I feel like I’m back in high school with a fleet of biker bodyguards and a curfew.
But what sucks the most is still feeling completely gutted. I need him.
I’ve had some time to process what he said. Duke’s a man of principal. I can’t blame him for stepping up and doing the right thing. I just wish that didn’t mean tying his life back to the club I’m trying to get a life away from.
But my life would be dimmer without him as my man. I need to tell him I didn’t mean what I said.
I will wait.
I’ll wait as long as he needs me to.
Grabbing my phone, I call him again. Like a lovesick teen. But I can’t help myself. I need my fix.
“Lo?” He says fast. His voice is gruff and clipped.
“Duke?”
“I’m busy here, Shanna.”
He’s panting and out of breath.
“Duke?” I hear a woman call out.
“W-who is that?”
“Nobody. I know you’re hurting angel. But I need you to stay away, shit’s getting ugly. I’ll call you,” he says gruffly disconnecting.
I’m so hurt, I can’t breathe. I fall back onto the bed clutching my sides, breathing in deeply but still not getting air. The moan that comes from deep within, rips a part of my soul off as it comes from my body.
Minutes tick by, I’m immobile, gripped in pain and agony with no one to take it away. He’s fooled me again. I believed him when he told me his feelings were real; not something I conjured up in my head, but wow did he just completely blow me off.
My phone buzzes in my hand causing my heart to stir hopefully.
But it’s not him.
“H-hello?” I croak.
“Where you at girl? You promised to come to my party the other night and never showed.”
My throat thickens, my eyes fill, “My mother was killed.”
“Oh shit. I’m sorry. You at home?”
“Yeah… why?”
“I’m coming over.”
“N-no Spence… you don’t have to.” But he already hung up.
He’s a good friend, and for a moment there was a chance he could’ve been more. But the fact that he’s here, available to comfort me when the man who stole my heart isn’t—is not lost on me. I get out of bed on shaky legs stumbling into the bathroom.
I turn the jets on blindly, as hot as can be without burning my skin. The water runs over me, but I still feel cold inside. Doubt creeps in minute by minute.
How well do I know Duke?
Can I trust myself?
How do I know my feelings are love instead of lust? Love shouldn’t hurt like this. He’s not even here when I need him and I don’t even know when he’s coming back.
I’m hurting, and I need my man. But maybe he’s not my man after all.
My hand slaps the tiled wall. I’ve never been a weak woman, enslaved by lust. So, captivated by a man—I lost focus on everything else.
Fuck that.
My resolve builds. The hard-shell that’s protected my heart for so long comes back.
If Duke wants me—he’s going to have to prove it. Words of want and touches that burn aren’t going to be enough. I want a partner, one who confides in me and one I can turn to when I need support.
If he can’t do that—I’m going to stick with my original plan to leave for LA when I graduate being responsible for making my dreams come true.
“Shanna?”
A soft knock at the door interrupts my hair brushing. I’ve gone numb. I’m cold, my emotions frozen.
Spence tucks his head through the door. My eyes focus on his Adam’s apple as he swallows hard. I’m sitting cross-legged on my bed in nothing but a short silk robe. It barely covers my ass and does a horrible job keeping my boobs from spilling over.
I called Duke one last time. He answered but gave me short, clipped responses. I heard a woman call his name softly. Even through the phone, the worship in her voice was unmistakable. He called her Carmen. Softly, as if she’s some delicate rose. He put the phone down to see what she wanted while I sat here in tears needing him.
But he decided to give her his attention instead. Big mistake.
“Come in.” I pat my bed. He sits feeling awkward.
I turn hugging him, needing to feel a man’s strong arms around me. I pull back, bite my lip and lower my lips to his. He moans, clutching my head as I open my mouth over his. I’m the aggressor forcing his tongue to play with mine. I’m the one who takes his hand placing the palm on my breasts.
“Shanna, no. Not like this,” he groans pulling back.
“Exactly like this, Spence. I’m hurting so bad. I need you to make me feel good. Take my pain away.”
“What about that other guy? I won’t be a placeholder.”
“You’re not. You’re the main dish.” I move to straddle him and groan feeling his erection pressing through his jeans.
“I don’t think is a good idea.”
“It’s the best idea. Please, Spence. I need this, I really do. Words of comfort can’t reach me. But you can.” I stall feeling frustrated. I just want to feel good. Duke awakened the sensual goddess inside me. I’m young, fertile and a virgin. Horny as fuck and need to make up for lost time.
“No. You’re going to hate me later.”
“I won’t. I swear it.”
“Fine. But this will only be about you.”
He flips me over onto my back crawling between my thighs. His hands untie my robe, and he whistles through his teeth at me spread out before him. His finger runs down between my breasts down my stomach and into my dark curls. I throw my head back moaning as his finger finds me wet and swollen.
He rubs my clit, then brings his head down to taste me. He fucks me with his tongue and mouth, but it’s not enough.
He rolls me over, spooning me burying one hand in my pussy. He finger-fucks me deeply while sucking on the back of my neck. “Spence!” I cry convulsing on his hand. As my heart still races, he climbs on top of me and suckles my full breasts, one by one, while his fingers stroke my clit that still sings for him.
My legs wrap around his waist pulling him closer to my core. But he stops and stands up to shuck his jeans. Leaving only his boxer briefs on, he swings back between my thighs and dry-fucks me so hard, I come again, as each thrust of his hard tip hits my swollen clit.
He groans, blowing his load in his briefs.
“Fuck that was hot.” He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and bends his head to pull a nipple in his mouth one last time before getting up to clean himself up in my bathroom.
I wait for guilt to come.
But it doesn’t.
Spence made me feel good; incredible even.
He’s here.
I can touch him, taste him. He’s not a memory haunting my dreams only to leave me wet, aching and alone when morning comes.
I hear my shower turn on and with a grin—I bound out of bed slinking into the bathroom.
He turns around with one eyebrow raised, “I don’t have that much self-control.”
“Relax… this is going to be about you. Only you,” I whisper kneeling and taking him into my mouth.
A shudder runs through his body; his eyes close, his lips part. I’ve
never felt more powerful. Knowing my touch is doing this to him. I eagerly stroke him with my mouth until he comes, groaning my name as his hot come drips from my mouth.
“Shanna?”
“What?”
He looks down at me still at his feet as the water pours over us both, “Be my girl? Just mine?”
“Yes,” I whisper. And just like that, I pledge myself to another man as quickly as I did the first. But this time, I don’t feel like I’m falling off the edge of a cliff. As Spence reaches down offering me his hand; I feel like he’s pulling me up from under the ocean. He’s saving me from drowning in the cold water alone.
He holds me tight until the water turns cold. As I cry softly against his shoulder, I tell myself the tears are for my mother, not Duke.
I let him towel dry me before taking me back to bed. He holds me close, falling asleep in an instant while my eyes stare out the window wishing another man’s arms were holding me tight.
“Are you ready?”
I slowly nod my head. My hand is gripped firmly in his as we cross the hot, asphalt lot entering the small funeral parlor. Every direct order comes through Meat and apparently, they deemed it safe enough to allow me to come to LA to say goodbye to my mother.
It’s been three months.
I have no idea what to do with her ashes. The last time I saw her, she kissed the top of my head and told me “good night.” I never could have imagined this moment. Or think Spence would be the one to help me through it. I haven’t spoken to Duke since he became the new king. His silence tells me I made the right decision the night I let Spence into my bedroom.
He’s been here for me. I’ve never been in a relationship. What Duke and I had was nothing but smoke and mirrors. Spence is the one who sees me every day. He stepped up when I needed a champion, explained to my professor’s what’s been going on and even let me stay at his parent’s house in Beverly Hills, so I wouldn’t feel alone here.
He hasn’t push me to go all the way yet, but he’s managed to make me come by doing everything else but pop my cherry. He’s a real gentleman.