by Helen Harper
I blinked. ‘Sorry,’ I said. I immediately regretted the apology – I’d been the one maintaining a straight line. I gazed at him, registering his unkempt appearance and general air of dishevelment. My skin tingled oddly.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ he muttered before continuing on his way.
I stared after him, something prickling at the back of my mind, then I shrugged. He probably reminded me of one of my old dope faery clients. He looked the type. I gave myself a shake and continued on my way.
The Office of Faery Godmothers was located in the middle of a street that was an odd mix of office buildings and residential dwellings. Truthfully, it wouldn’t have mattered if there were a great big flashing neon sign above the door; the magic surrounding the building meant that it barely pinged on the consciousness of any passing humans. It was safer that way. Faery godmothers were supposed to be incognito after all.
Unsurprisingly, Mrs Jardine was already at the front desk by the time I strolled in the entrance. She was sitting bolt upright in her chair, without her usual glossy magazine in front of her. The reception area was always gleaming and fresh but today it looked even cleaner than usual. I felt guilty that I was daring to walk across the floor in case the soles of my shoes left a smudge. Clearly, all stops were going to be pulled out for Jasper’s imminent arrival.
I checked my watch. He’d be here soon and the last thing I wanted was to get trapped in the lift with him again. I picked up my pace.
‘Good morning,’ I chirped.
‘Good morning? What’s good about it?’ Mrs Jardine looked past me as if she expected Jasper to appear at any moment. Given that’s exactly what he’d done the first time I’d met him, I shouldn’t have been surprised if he’d materialised out of thin air.
I gave her a sympathetic glance. ‘The audit will be over before you know it. I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘There’s everything to worry about. Why are you so late?’
I checked my watch. It was barely gone seven. I was almost two whole hours early.
‘Everyone else is here,’ she informed me. ‘Just because you’re on good relations with the Devil’s Advocate and you saved him from the trolls doesn’t mean that you can give the office a bad name.’
Enough already. ‘First of all,’ I said, ‘my relations with him probably aren’t as good as you think they are. Second of all, I’m early. If everyone else wants to get here at the crack of the dawn that’s fine, but the audit is going to continue for four weeks. What we do now has to be sustainable for the whole of that period. I understand that we should all be on our best behaviour but if we want this office to truly be the best then we have to give him a true picture, not what we think it should be like for the short time that he’s here. Unless we present him with the truth, we’ll fail. Spectacularly.’
Mrs Jardine looked at me like I was crazy. ‘The truth is a malleable thing. We have to show him our best truth. This office has been thought of as the best for generations. I will not be part of changing anyone’s mind on that matter. Neither should you be.’
‘Even if it’s not the best and should never have been thought of in that way?’ I enquired. Our reputation might be snow white but my recent experiences proved that reputations could be very deceptive.
Mrs Jardine’s face was turning a fascinating shade of red. ‘No matter what has happened in the past, faery godmothers are still the crème de la crème of all faeries!’
Mmm-hmm. It was pointless arguing with her. I gave a half shrug of vague compliance, pressed my thumbprint onto the sign-in sheet, added my name and headed to the lift. It was going to be a long month.
When I reached my floor, it was apparent that I really was the last person to arrive. Every other faery godmother was already at their desk with their heads down. An air of busy self-importance clung to each cubicle. Maybe I should have tried to get here even earlier; after all, I was still trying to make a good impression. Then I reminded myself that I didn’t need to arrive in the middle of the night in order to do all my work and do it well. In fact, a proper sleep would stand me in far better stead. I wanted to be the best – but I wasn’t going to kill myself in the process.
I dropped my bag beside my desk and said a quick hello to Delilah, who was dressed uncharacteristically in a black suit; she looked more like she was here for a funeral than for her job. Then I wandered towards the kitchenette to make myself a coffee. When I opened the cupboard to grab my mug, however, I realised that it was bare.
‘What the…?’
‘Adeline has removed all the cups,’ Rupert drawled from the doorway. ‘She thinks that the odd cup of tea or coffee will make us all appear slackers.’
‘That’s ridiculous.’ I needed caffeine to function and so did everyone else. I predicted there would be several blow ups before lunch.
‘I’ve got some contraband Red Bull in my drawer,’ my sex-obsessed colleague told me with a wink. His eyes travelled up and down my body. ‘Or there are other ways I could give you the energy boost you need.’
I dreaded to think what they were. ‘I appreciate the thought,’ I said stiffly. ‘But I’ll manage.’
‘Fair enough.’ He continued to smile at me. ‘You look beautiful today, Saffron.’ He nodded downwards. ‘And you have the best legs in this office.’
I tapped my mouth thoughtfully. ‘You know,’ I said, ‘that sort of remark is clearly designed to make me feel uncomfortable.’
He gave me a hurt, puppy-dog look. ‘I’m being nice,’ he protested. ‘It’s a compliment.’
‘It’s sleazy.’ I leaned back and spotted Billy walking across the other side of the office. ‘Hey!’ I shouted. ‘Bill! What’s the sexual harassment policy for this place?’
Rupert began to splutter. ‘What are you doing? You can’t do that!’
I folded my arms and regarded him calmly. ‘Of course I can. Or are you trying to intimidate me so I don’t stand up for myself?’
Adeline appeared out of nowhere. That woman had a canny knack of showing up without warning whenever she was least wanted. ‘Saffron,’ she said. ‘A word?’
I gave Rupert a small smile. ‘Of course, Adeline. But only if it means you’ll give me back my mug.’
She glared at me and stalked away without answering. Clearly I was supposed to follow. I sighed and wandered after her, leaving Rupert to huff and puff behind my back.
Adeline’s office was far smaller than the Director’s and it had a somewhat spartan feel. I glanced round. It was the first time I’d been granted access, so I supposed I should feel special rather than be concerned that I was about to receive a stern bollocking for some as yet unnamed misdemeanour.
I wondered whether she’d removed all evidence of her personality from the room because of the audit or if it always looked this way. I hoped it was the latter. I didn’t want to think of Adeline changing her behaviour dramatically for no other reason than Jasper’s impending arrival. If the hard-as-nails Assistant Director felt she had to put on a show, there was no hope for the rest of us.
‘I understand that you might feel you have special dispensation to act in any way that you please,’ she said icily. ‘But please remember that you are not the only faery in this office. We are all under considerable pressure to perform well, and there will be consequences if you upset the apple cart. Your loyalty should be to us.’
I tilted my head. ‘My loyalty is always to this office,’ I said. ‘Regardless of the audit, I’m always going to do the very best that I can. Maybe you should work on getting everyone to relax and tell faeries like Rupert to wind in their necks rather than creating problems.’
Adeline stared; belatedly it occurred to me that she might not my want my suggestions. ‘I know that Rupert can be annoying,’ she said, ‘but he comes from an important family and his place here is assured. There are some things we cannot change.’
‘You’ve already parked him in the Adventus room so he doesn’t cause p
roblems for clients,’ I pointed out. ‘Maybe this sort of nepotism is the sort of thing the Devil’s Advocate is going to pick up on.’
She stiffened in alarm. ‘Did he say that? Is that what he’s planning to focus on?’
‘I have no idea what he’s planning. I’m just stating a possibility.’
‘You are close to the Devil’s Advocate. He must have said something about where he will focus his energies in these first few days.’
I took a step back. ‘I’m not close to him.’
‘Saffron…’
I exhaled. ‘I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, Adeline. For what it’s worth, I think you usually do it very well. Right now, however, you’ve got everyone in here before the sun has risen. You’ve taken away the coffee and you’re adding to the overall stress. I have no idea what Jas— what the Devil’s Advocate is focusing on, but I do know that this office has suffered enough pressure recently. The way everyone is acting at the moment will only make that worse in the long run. And the Devil’s Advocate is not stupid. He will see through any attempts to playact in a heartbeat.’
‘I know everyone is still stressed,’ Adeline snapped. ‘Why do you think we had mandatory meditation yesterday?’
I sighed. ‘You do realise that forcing everyone to meditate is more likely to annoy them and cause more stress? You’re a faery godmother, Adeline. You’re better than this.’
‘We are faery godmothers,’ she whispered.
I nodded. ‘We are.’
‘You’re right. We should all act normally.’
‘Not act normally,’ I said. ‘Be normal.’
‘Good point.’ She looked at me. ‘Thank you for your candour, Saffron. I should have known I could count on you.’
Adeline had barely realised what she’d said but the implied compliment made my heart sing. I smiled to myself. Things were going to be alright after all.
***
By the time the morning briefing rolled around, the office atmosphere felt far more relaxed. Much to everyone’s relief, Adeline had returned the mugs. A few ties had been loosened and there was the murmur of office chatter. Things weren’t quite as chilled as they could be but it was definitely an improvement.
I resisted the temptation to tell everyone that it was thanks to my intervention that we were all now feeling better but it was a close-run thing as we gathered in the centre of the room for the Director’s pronouncements. I reminded myself that no one liked a show-off.
Figgy and Alicia were in front of me. Even on a normal day they both gave off an immaculate, glamorous sheen. Today they were so primped and perfect that it almost hurt my eyes to look at them.
‘I heard,’ Figgy said in an overly loud whisper, ‘that if we fail the audit we’ll all lose our jobs.’
Alicia tossed her head, adding a mild snort for emphasis. ‘You may lose your job but I certainly won’t. No one would dare sack me. I’m a Beauchamp.’
A few feet away, Angela from HR turned towards them. ‘The last time a department failed an audit it was the tooth faeries. Back in 1999.’
‘See?’ Alicia said. ‘The tooth faeries are still around. Their department is still going strong.’
‘Every single tooth faery was transferred within weeks of the audit results,’ Angela returned flatly. ‘Everything was overhauled.’
‘Maybe that was because it needed to be overhauled,’ I said, ignoring the derisive looks from all three faeries at my audacity in joining in their conversation. ‘I’ve never heard any complaints about the tooth faeries. Perhaps that’s because they learned from their mistakes and are now better for it.’
Angela’s lip curled. Despite everything I’d achieved in my short time here, she despised me. ‘I’m sure you’ve heard of the Salmores? Three members of their family were tooth faeries. Good ones, too.’ She glared at me. ‘We all know what happened to them.’
‘I don’t,’ I said in a raised voice. ‘But then I don’t listen to malicious gossip.’
Angela shot me a nasty look and turned away. I nudged Delilah. ‘What happened to the Salmores?’ I asked in an undertone.
‘Sewage faeries,’ she whispered. ‘It’s their job to keep the waterways underneath our feet clear from obstruction. Any time you hear about one of those vile fatberg things, it’s because the Salmores have messed up.’
I made a face. Yuck. Still, it seemed like it was an important job. Sometimes the messiest jobs are the most vital for society.
‘It’s busy work,’ Delilah added. ‘The humans are perfectly capable of seeing to the sewers themselves. The Salmores spend their days up to their elbows in shit and they don’t even have to be there. They keep doing it because they think they’ll be allowed back in as tooth faeries. That’s never going to happen. I guarantee it.’
The Director cleared her throat and we all fell silent. ‘Good morning, everybody. I trust that you all slept well last night and that you’re ready for whatever today might bring. I know that many of you are worried about the audit but I must remind you that it is a marathon not a sprint.’
From behind my back, Billy leaned in towards my ear. ‘She’s going to go for gold,’ he whispered, ‘and pack in as many idiotic management phrases as possible.’
‘It will be all hands on deck but I know that I can count on you. At the end of the day, this audit is going to be win-win. We will pull together as the team I know we are and the world will be reminded why we are the best that the faeries have to offer. All we have to do is to continue to keep our eye on the ball.’
I only just managed to stifle a giggle and jabbed Billy with my elbow. He jabbed me in return.
The Director swept her gaze across us all. ‘The Devil’s Advocate will be here for four weeks, mostly observing but occasionally participating as well. The best thing to do is to simply act normally and be the wonderful faery godmothers that I know you are.
‘It’s been a trying time for all of us recently. The heinous kidnappings and the evil trolls have put us under a great deal of strain. No one should be afraid, though. I have created a special task force which will track down the remaining trolls and bring them to justice. Our newest recruit, Saffron Sawyer,’ she nodded at me, ‘will lead the task force as she has already successfully encountered various trolls. She will be looking for some help over the next few weeks. I know that if she asks for your participation, you will rise to the challenge.’
Every single head turned in my direction. I smiled and tried to appear both modest about my promotion and confident that I would succeed. Judging by the sneers on some faces and the genuine surprise on others, I wasn’t convinced that I managed it.
‘Finally,’ the Director said, ‘I want you to remember that I have an open-door policy. If anything is worrying you, if you are feeling stressed or you need help, you can come to me at any time. The Devil’s Advocate will soon see that we are truly one big happy family.’
Adeline waved frantically from the doorway of her office. The Director nodded and drew in a deep breath. ‘He’s here,’ she said. For the briefest moment, her eyes hardened as she looked at us for one last time. ‘Do not let me or the name of this good office down.’
Like a choreographed dance group, we swivelled towards the lift at exactly the same time, our heads lifting as we watched the LED numbers ascend. I folded my arms, goose bumps rising across my bare arms. I was only nervous because I wanted us to do well. That was all. Then the lift reached our floor and the doors slid open.
Jasper stepped out, his expression dark and serious. If he was surprised that every single faery godmother was standing in front of him, he didn’t show it. He glanced at us, his eyes passing over me. He neither fidgeted nor smiled. Honestly, if his Devil’s Advocate gig ever went belly up, he should seriously consider becoming a living statue. He’d make a damn fortune.
‘Good morning,’ he said. ‘Although I appreciate that the sentiment may not be returned, I am looking forward to spending time with you all. I understand that you
may be nervous but please realise that this is not a witch hunt. This is an opportunity for each of you to showcase what you are doing. My role is simply to look for ways to improve what is already happening and to help you implement new techniques and ideas that will make things better for both you and your clients.’
Billy leaned in towards my ear once again. ‘And,’ he whispered, ‘to shaft you all if you don’t do exactly as I tell you.’ I grimaced.
Jasper turned his head, his green-eyed gaze fixing on Billy. I might not have been able to see my rule-loving friend’s face but I felt him flinch.
‘The best thing you can all do,’ Jasper said, ‘is to go about your jobs as normal. Return to your desks and get on with your work. At some point over the next month, when the time is right, I will speak to you individually and introduce myself properly. For now, I don’t want to get in your way.’
For the first time, he looked directly at me. ‘Rest assured that I take my role here as seriously as you take yours. I will make every effort to be both fair and balanced. I’m on your side.’ He looked away from me and gestured to indicate that we could leave.
No one moved. I almost laughed aloud.
The Director coughed awkwardly. ‘We are faery godmothers!’ she said, with somewhat less gusto than normal.
As one, we all recited back in unison, ‘We are faery godmothers! We are faery godmothers! We are faery godmothers!’
Jasper turned to her, his expression baffled. ‘Is that supposed to mean something?’ he asked.
I smirked. Then I joined in with everyone else and strolled to my cubicle.
Chapter Four
I didn’t spend long at my desk. Despite my best efforts to stay calm, Jasper’s presence was making me antsy – and that was without the tense atmosphere caused by my colleagues’ nerves. In any case, I wouldn’t become the most brilliant faery godmother the world had ever seen by being a dab hand at record keeping.