by Helen Harper
‘Both, I guess.’
She smiled faintly. ‘I’ve seen enough crap in my time to believe just about anything.’ She jerked the shotgun. ‘Not that I’m saying I believe you,’ she added. ‘Just that I’m reserving judgment.’ Her head lifted for a second and her brow furrowed. ‘We have to go. Even if that first one ain’t back on his feet yet, the others will be here soon. You can come with me.’ She jerked the gun again to remind me that she still had it. ‘For now, anyway.’
To be honest, I’d have preferred to return to the office, strip naked, paint my skin with Sharpies and do the hula in front of my colleagues, the Director and Jasper. ‘Great,’ I said brightly. ‘Let’s do it.’
I walked round to the passenger door and opened it. Pumpkin raised his head and growled at me. ‘Shoo,’ I told him. ‘Into the back.’
‘No,’ Rose commanded. ‘That’s his seat. You’re the one who’ll have to sit in the back.’
I stared at her. ‘It’s covered in mud.’ At least I hoped it was mud. From where I was standing, the cracked leather seats appeared to have a covering of something that was both brown and crusty.
‘Get in the back,’ she said, ‘or stay here. It’s up to you.’
Unbelievable. I shook my head. Then I clambered onto the back seat.
***
An hour or so later, after refusing point blank to answer any more questions or tell me anything else about what was going on, Rose’s Jeep trundled into Carlisle. Rather than head towards the city centre, she veered into a tidy-looking housing estate on the outskirts.
‘Keep your eyes peeled,’ she instructed. ‘We need an older model that won’t be missed for a few days.’
Thoroughly confused, I squinted at her. ‘Pardon?’
‘Things used to be so much easier,’ she said. ‘You could tell who was away on holiday by the newspapers on the front porch or the milk bottles piling up. These days it’s much more complicated.’ She turned right into a cul-de-sac while I continued to stare. ‘Ah-ha,’ she said with a satisfied smile. ‘It’s bin day. That’s what we need.’
I shook my head. ‘I still don’t get it.’
‘You ain’t the fecking brightest faery, are you? Just my luck. I get a faery godmother only to find out that she’s less use than a chocolate teapot.’ She began to enunciate her words. ‘It is bin day. All these houses have got their wheelie bins parked out on the street ready for collection. We need the house that hasn’t got a bin outside. They are the ones who will be away on holiday. That means that when we steal their car, they won’t miss it until they get back. It buys us more time.’
I blinked. ‘Steal a car?’
Rose tutted. ‘This Jeep ain’t registered. We run the risk of getting pulled over by the coppers and entered into a database that will pinpoint our location to the bad guys. Assuming they didn’t see us driving away and aren’t hacking into ANPR as we speak.’
‘ANPR?’ I asked, feeling very stupid.
‘Automatic number plate recognition,’ she snapped.
Oh. Unsurprisingly, that wasn’t something I’d ever had to worry about before. ‘We don’t have to steal a car,’ I pointed out. ‘We could hire one.’
‘For feck’s sake. You need ID to do that. And credit cards. We might as well just hand ourselves in now and prepare for imminent death.’
I wasn’t sure that I was particularly happy that Rose kept talking about us in the plural. I wasn’t the potential criminal on the run. ‘You need to fess up,’ I said sternly. ‘Who exactly is after you and why?’
‘There!’ she exclaimed. ‘That house there!’ She swung the car to the right, mounting the pavement and almost knocking over several saplings in the process. Then she jumped out with Pumpkin right behind her. The dratted Jack Russell was wagging his tail as if we were out for nothing more than fun walkies.
I unbuckled my seatbelt and squeezed through the gap to join her. She was already striding up the driveway towards the holidaymakers’ garage. ‘Rose!’ I yelled. ‘We are not stealing a damn car!’
‘Stop being so prissy. It’s not as difficult as you think.’
I cursed. ‘My name isn’t on anyone’s database and I can use magic to hire a car and ensure that it’s not tracked. Honestly. It’s not that hard for someone with my skills.’
She began tugging at the garage door in a bid to open it. ‘First of all, I’d have to believe that you can do magic and not just party tricks. Secondly, and more importantly, I’d have to believe that you’re good at it. I have seen no evidence of that as yet.’
I spluttered. ‘I stopped that assassin guy from shooting you in the head! You saw me!’
‘For all I know, you got fecking lucky. And I’d have got myself out of there perfectly fine on my own.’
‘I froze your dog in mid-air to stop him from attacking me!’
‘Pumpkin would never attack anyone,’ she returned, acting like she’d forgotten what had happened less than an hour or two ago.
The garage door gave way and rose upwards.
Fuck a puck. ‘Someone’s watching us from the house opposite,’ I said. ‘They’re probably already picking up the phone to call the police.’
Rose whipped her head surprisingly fast. ‘What? Are you sure?’
‘I saw the curtains twitch,’ I told her.
Her eyes narrowed. ‘Are you saying that because you’re trying to stop me taking this car?’
‘No.’
She glared. ‘You are.’
I threw up my hands. ‘I’m not!’
Pumpkin let out a sudden high-pitched bark, jumping round and then dashing across the street. A man in a dressing gown was standing in his doorway watching us. He ignored Pumpkin and called over, ‘Can I help you folks?’
‘Told you,’ I muttered.
‘He can help us by putting on some fecking clothes,’ Rose said. ‘Who is still in a dressing gown at this time of day?’
I sighed. ‘Maybe he works nights.’
Pumpkin had reached the man’s slippered feet and was dancing around in front of them, loosing off a bark every few seconds. The man raised a foot, holding it in mid-air. ‘Call him off or I’ll kick him,’ he shouted.
‘You kick my dog,’ Rose screamed furiously, ‘and I’ll yank your guts out through your belly button!’ She abandoned the garage and stormed across the street.
I passed a hand across my forehead. Nothing about this was going to end well. I rolled my eyes and jogged over to join her, drawing out my wand at the same time and giving it a quick flick.
‘I will rip your hair out and—’
‘Good day, sir,’ I said, interrupting Rose and reaching down to grab Pumpkin. I thrust the dog into her arms and pasted on a smile. ‘My name is Saffron and this is Rose. Let me take up a moment of your time to tell you about the good work that the Jehovah’s Witnesses do in this area.’
The man took a step back. ‘I’m not interested, thank you.’ He started to close the door.
‘Would you like a copy of Watchtower to read at your pleasure?’ I called.
The door slammed shut.
Rose stared at me. Even Pumpkin appeared confused. ‘What exactly just happened?’ she asked.
I rubbed the back of my neck. ‘I used the magic you still don’t believe I have and still don’t think I have skill enough to wield appropriately. All I did was make him forget he’d seen us at his neighbour’s garage.’
‘You can do that?’
‘I just did.’
Rose pursed her thin lips. She glanced round. ‘Impressive. Alright, Miss Faery Godmother. We’ll do things your way. You can hire a car in your name and do your thing to keep it quiet. If this is some kind of weird con, though, I’ll set Pumpkin on you.’
The dog gazed at me with an evil glint in his eye. He was desperate to chomp some more on my tasty flesh. I knew it in the same way that I knew my own name was both beautifully alliterative and lyrically pleasing to the ear.
‘It’s not a con,’ I answere
d shortly. ‘Start trusting me, Rose, and I will find you a proper way out of this.’
She dipped her head, her white hair ruffling in the gentle breeze. ‘Go on then,’ she said. ‘Lead the way.’ She paused. ‘What the ’ell kind of name is Saffron, though?’
I sighed.
Chapter Six
It took far longer than I’d anticipated. It was almost four o’clock by the time we’d located a suitable car hire place, hidden the Jeep on a quiet side street and found a quiet hotel that met Rose’s demands.
‘I need a room on the ground floor,’ she’d told me. ‘With a good view of the street outside and several potential escape routes.’
‘The man who is after you can’t possibly know that you’re in Carlisle.’
‘He’s in a position to know more than you think. And Carlisle is the nearest city to my house. It’s the logical destination and he’ll know that.’
‘Rose,’ I sighed, ‘you’re going to have to tell me what’s going on here.’
‘You’re the one with magic at your fingertips. You should be able to work it out.’
‘I’m not omniscient.’
‘What’s the point of your magic stick if it can’t tell you what you need to know?’
I didn’t manage to come up with a good answer to that. No matter what I said or how hard I tried, she refused to give me any more details about who was after her or why. In the end I gave up and told her that I’d be back the following day to help her out some more. She’d balked slightly at the revelation that I was leaving her on her own but had brazened it out by telling me in no uncertain terms that she was perfectly capable of coping without me.
In an ideal world, I’d have stayed with her. As soon as I left, she’d forget I’d ever existed and I’d have to begin this rigmarole all over again. Unfortunately, however, Rose wasn’t my only client – not to mention that I still had to do something about setting up my troll task force before everyone left the office for the day. I’d been gone for so long that people were probably starting to ask questions. It was rare to spend this long out with one client on the very first visit.
The best I could do for now was to set up a brief containment spell to keep Rose on the hotel premises unless her life was genuinely in danger. I added a flourish, creating a complicated alert system that would also tell me if anyone came to the hotel looking for her. Both were temporary measures but they were good enough for the time being. I wasn’t prepared to use my magic for anything else – not until I knew more about this strange old woman. For all I knew, she could be a stone-cold killer.
With a few wand twirls, I managed to stir the Metafora magic into action. I hadn’t had anything to eat since I’d left for work just after dawn and I was bloody starving. The staff canteen was already closed but I was hoping that Delilah might have a few tasty snacks lurking in her desk. Failing that, I reckoned I could always count on Billy to help me out. Audit or no audit, I couldn’t operate at full capacity on an empty stomach for much longer. Even the best faery godmothers needed refuelling.
The office was surprisingly quiet. Most of the others seemed to be out on client visits. That was unusual for this time of day but not unexpected, given what else was going on.
I ambled over to my desk, pausing at Delilah’s cubicle in search of food. Unfortunately all I could find was a single boiled sweet. I popped it into my mouth before nearly choking on it when Adeline bellowed at me from the other side of the room and I accidentally swallowed it whole.
‘Saffron! Where have you been?’
I coughed and turned in her direction. ‘Working,’ I said. ‘I was in the Lake District with a new client. I think I need some help with her because—’
‘There’s an important meeting going on in the rec room and your absence has been noted. You’re already ten minutes late.’
‘Can’t I miss it?’ I asked. ‘I have to…’ I didn’t finish my sentence; the expression on Adeline’s face was enough to make me falter. I cursed myself for not checking the calendar. The last thing I wanted was to gain a name for myself as the person who walked in late to meetings as if I didn’t care about everyone else’s time. I reminded myself that, despite everything else that was happening, my mission to become both indispensable and outstandingly dedicated to all things faery godmother was ongoing.
When I entered the rec room, every head turned in my direction and there were a few audible tuts. I coughed and mumbled an apology. Unfortunately it appeared that Angela was chairing the meeting. She shot me an icy stare. ‘Nice of you to join us, Saffron.’
It was her tone that really irked me. I’d not been skiving off. Quite the contrary: I’d been out doing my damned job and almost getting myself killed in the process. I’d apologised once; that was quite enough.
I lifted my head and gave the HR manager my best smile. ‘That’s no problem, Angela. Thank you for inviting me to join you.’
Her glare only intensified. ‘Try and be a good girl and avoid interrupting this vital meeting any longer than necessary. There’s a spare seat at the back.’
There was indeed but, unfortunately for her, I’d already spotted a free spot up at the front. Most people don’t like being at the front but I relish it. I strolled up, sat down and folded my hands neatly in my lap.
‘Please continue,’ I said, noting Jasper’s presence across the table. He was frowning darkly. There was no choice now; I had to push aside my concerns about Rose, my plans for the task force and all my other thoughts and concentrate on acting like the smartest person in this room. Jasper aside, I still had a lot of ground to make up if I was going to impress my colleagues.
‘As I was saying,’ Angela said, resolutely turning her gaze away from me, ‘Human Resources in this office has long been a great tool designed to support you all in your careers and ensure that we all achieve the best results possible. After discussing the matter with the Devil’s Advocate and looking at how other HR teams run, we are now moving from a process-driven model to an insights-driven model. This will enhance the work that we do and remind you all that we are on your side.’
Clearly, Angela could give the Director a run for her money in the gobbledegook stakes. I wanted to respond appropriately and show that I was taking her seriously, so I leaned back in my chair and gazed up at the ceiling to suggest that I was pondering her words deeply. I nodded a few times for extra effect. It would have worked better if my stomach hadn’t taken that moment to gurgle very loudly. Angela glared at me again, as if I’d deliberately told my tummy to rumble. I was quite sure that if Jasper hadn’t been present, she’d have reprimanded my bodily functions.
‘Goodness me.’ I patted my belly and grimaced. ‘I do apologise. I’ve not had any lunch yet.’
‘This is exactly what I’m talking about,’ Angela said, folding her arms. ‘Recent events have proved that taking the time for self-care is vitally important. The revelation that Saffron has not given herself opportunity to eat lunch is an important insight that we can act upon.’ Her mouth curved up into a smile. ‘Fortunately, Saffron, I have the perfect solution. We are initiating a time-management course. You can be the very first name on the list.’
Touché. If only I had the time to attend a time-management course.
‘So what you’re saying, Angela,’ I said, ‘is that not only have you gained a new insight but you’re also acting on that insight within mere moments of learning it. That sort of spur-of-the-moment, knee-jerk reaction is something I can learn from. Thank you so much. That’s real vision you’re displaying.’ I pulled over a sheet of paper and a pen and wrote the word ‘vision’ then circled it several times.
I nudged Figgy, who was next to me. ‘Revolving vision,’ I told her. ‘Impressive, right?’
Figgy nodded vigorously. ‘Wow, yes.’ She gazed wide-eyed at Angela. ‘Great work.’
Jasper shifted in his chair. He couldn’t complain; he’d volunteered to sit in on this daft meeting after all. The rest of us had no choice.
Angela picked up the remote control in front of her before turning to the screen and switching it on. PowerPoint. Wonderful. I sat up straighter and did my best to show that this was the best thing that had happened to me all day. Unfortunately, apart from Adeline’s earlier compliment, it probably was.
***
Thankfully Angela ignored further opportunities to throw the spotlight on me. All the same, I didn’t think I was the only one who was delighted when she finally rounded things up and brought the pointless meeting to a close.
As she turned to Jasper and immediately began discussing her other insight-driven ideas, I breathed out and made for the exit while I still had the chance. I might have made it if Alicia hadn’t stepped into my path. ‘Saffron,’ she said. ‘How are you?’
I blinked, casting a wary glance at her and wondering if she was about to pull out a knife and stab me in the chest if I told her that I was well. ‘I’m fine,’ I said cautiously. ‘How are you?’
She waved a dismissive hand. ‘Fine. I don’t like you very much.’
She scarcely paused for breath between sentences. ‘I’m aware of that,’ I said. It was hardly the epiphany of the century.
‘But I think that’s a good thing.’
‘Uh huh.’ I had no idea where she was going with this.
‘I don’t think you like me either,’ she continued.
Truthfully, I didn’t know her well enough to say either way. For all I knew, she rescued kittens on her days off and was a paragon of kindness. She was definitely a bully – but often bullies are victims themselves and simply need a little nudge to correct their misguided ways. ‘Well—’ I began.
‘And yet,’ she interrupted, ‘we still worked well together when we stormed Bridge To Nowhere to rescue the kidnapped faeries and bring down Bernard.’
‘We didn’t kill each other,’ I said. ‘And the mission was a success. So yeah, sure. We worked well together.’ I watched her carefully. It was obvious she was leading up to something.