Wish List (How To Be The Best Damn Faery Godmother In The World (Or Die Trying) Book 2)

by Helen Harper

  I sneaked a look over at Angela. She looked as pleased as punch at the vociferous praise. Of course she did.

  The Director continued. ‘I understand that there are concerns about the trolls after yesterday’s events but I have complete faith in Saffron Sawyer. We will locate these slimy bastards before too long and put a stop to their nefarious activities. They will not bother us for much longer.’

  I forced a smile. I wished I could be sure of that.

  ‘Work smarter, people!’ the Director declared. ‘Not harder! And remember, we are faery godmothers!’

  We all dutifully chorused back the words. Despite my concerns, I couldn’t help noticing that many of the godmothers around me did look more relaxed. I wondered how many of them had been the recipients of Jasper’s gifts and charming chats. Then I wondered if it I could take some of the credit for the improved atmosphere. After all, I’d been the one who’d told Jasper to lighten up; I’d been the one to come up with the daft Rainbow Friday idea. Perhaps I’d find a way to work both points into casual conversation with the Director so she could admire my brilliance. It seemed unlikely.

  I turned my head and spotted the man himself leaning against a wall and watching the proceedings. Unlike yesterday, he wasn’t wearing a tie or a suit jacket. His white shirt was open at the neck, revealing a tiny expanse of smooth, tanned skin. When he caught me staring, he raised a hand in a mock salute. I gave him a cheesy thumbs-up in return. Jasper just grinned.

  ‘I’ve got more salt-and-vinegar crisps,’ Delilah said. She swung her bag off her shoulder and opened it. I glanced inside. ‘Want some? You can have as many as you like.’

  Rupert bounced up. ‘Would you like a coffee, Saffron?’ he asked. ‘I can fetch you one now, if you like.’

  Mmm. It appeared that the current mood of sunny relaxation was only skin deep; they were all still worried enough about their futures to be desperate enough to join the troll hunt.

  ‘I have to go out and visit a client,’ I said. ‘But I’ll sort out the task force deployment this afternoon. I promise.’ The sooner the better. This was all becoming far too unsettling.

  ***

  I was halfway to the Metafora room when Angela cornered me. ‘Here,’ she said, thrusting a piece of paper in my direction. ‘Details of your time-management course. It starts today. Don’t be late.’

  ‘I’ll do my best,’ I promised.

  ‘You’ll do better than that. You seem to think you’re special because you rescued the kidnapped faery godmothers and stopped the trolls.’

  I pursed my lips. ‘What I did was pretty special.’

  ‘It doesn’t mean you get to slack off while everyone else works their arses off.’

  I counted to ten in my head. ‘I might not have been here for very long but there’s been no evidence of slacking on my part that I’m aware of.’ I paused. ‘Nice idea you had there, by the way. You know, the one about Rainbow Friday.’

  Two high points of colour appeared on Angela’s cheeks. ‘You shouldn’t have tried to make a fool out of me in yesterday’s meeting,’ she hissed. ‘You’re not as clever as you think.’

  I sighed. Maybe I had pushed things too far yesterday – but I was actually quite clever. That’s what my mother kept telling me. ‘I think we got off on the wrong foot. Can we start over?’

  ‘Human Resources is a vital part of this organisation. We’re not here for your entertainment.’

  I met her eyes and decided to try and lighten the mood. ‘Did you ever wonder why it’s called Human Resources?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘We’re not human. Why isn’t it called Faery Resources?’

  Angela put her hands on her hips. ‘Now you’re being facetious.’

  ‘It’s a genuine question.’

  She glared at me. ‘You’re wasting my time and yours. This is why you need the time-management course! Stop bothering me with ridiculous nonsense.’ She stalked off with a defiant toss of her head.

  I gazed after her. I ought to tell Jasper to drop in on HR before too long; they could definitely do with some of his devilish faery dust to improve their moods, even with Rainbow Friday on the horizon.

  ***

  Thankfully the Metafora magic deposited me directly outside the hotel room in Carlisle where I’d left Rose the day before. That meant my containment magic had held firm and kept her safely within the walls of the building. It wouldn’t help in terms of me granting her wish, but it would allow me the opportunity to find out what was going on.

  I raised my fist to knock on the door but, before I could, there was the sound of skittering paws followed by several vicious barks on the other side. As if to remind me, the shallow wound in my leg began to throb again. Ah. Pumpkin. I’d forgotten about him.

  The chain rattled and a moment later the door opened a fraction. Rose’s face peered out. ‘Who are you?’ she demanded. ‘What do you want?’

  I pasted on my best, most professional smile. ‘Good morning! My name is Saffron and I’m here to see if everything in your room meets your requirements.’

  ‘It ain’t the Ritz, is it?’

  ‘Perhaps,’ I said pleasantly, ‘I can come in and see what else you need.’

  Rose’s glare intensified. ‘Towels. I need more towels.’

  I could only just hear her over Pumpkin’s protests. ‘I’ll rustle some up. Why don’t I come in and take away the dirty ones?’

  ‘You’re not coming in! You could be anyone!’

  I sighed to myself. This would be a lot easier if the memory magic could be switched off and Rose remembered that I’d been with her yesterday. I thought quickly. I needed some way to ingratiate myself with her again so that she opened up to me. Unfortunately, the only things I knew she liked were shotguns and angry dogs.

  ‘I can change your bed,’ I suggested.

  ‘My bed is fine,’ she snapped. ‘And I’m busy. Just get me the fecking towels I asked for.’

  ‘Our hotel offers many services,’ I said hastily before she shut the door in my face. ‘There must be something I can do to make your stay more comfortable.’

  From the look in her eyes she was about to refuse then a crafty expression crossed her face. ‘Many services?’

  ‘Oh yes.’ I paused. ‘Are you here for business or for pleasure? Perhaps we can sit down together and I can tell you about the best places to visit in Carlisle. Or I can arrange a personalised tour…’ I was grasping at straws. I knew it, Rose knew it and even bloody Pumpkin knew it.

  ‘You can take the dog out for a piss. He’s been bursting for hours.’

  I didn’t want to talk to the damned dog, I wanted to talk to Rose. Before I could say or do anything, however, she was opening the door wider and thrusting him into my arms. His little body quivered. Any second now he was going to give my arm a bite to match my leg.

  ‘Have fun,’ Rose said, her tone indicating that she knew this would be anything but. Then she shut the door, leaving Pumpkin and me in the corridor.

  I supposed it was better than nothing. If I could get her dog to like me, maybe Rose would relax and give me something I could use. It was a long shot but at the moment I was willing to try anything.

  ‘What do you say, Pumpkin?’ I asked. ‘Fancy some walkies?’

  He bared his teeth and growled in response. It was lucky for him that I was a dedicated faery godmother. All the same, I had the feeling that this was going to be a very long morning.

  Chapter Nine

  I took Pumpkin out to a dull patch of grass just beyond the hotel car park. Every few minutes he seemed to remember that he despised me and growled and snarled appropriately. Then he returned to liberally spraying everything in sight with urine.

  A young family passed by. ‘What a cute dog!’ the mother exclaimed as her son toddled up to give Pumpkin a pat.

  ‘Stay back. He’s vicious,’ I warned.

  Her eyes widening in alarm, the woman reached for her son to pull him away just as Pumpkin threw himself forwa
rd. I fumbled for my wand, terrified that disaster was about to ensue and the kid would be mauled – but before my fingertips found what I was looking for, Pumpkin was slobbering over the boy with a protracted series of enthusiastic licks, his tail wagging with such vigour that it was a wonder it stayed attached to his body.

  After the family had moved on, I crouched down. ‘If you can be nice to them,’ I asked plaintively, ‘why can’t you be nice to me? I’m here to help.’

  Pumpkin stared up at me with his large chocolate-brown eyes. A tiny growl emitted from his throat then he turned his back on me and started to squat. Fuck a puck. I didn’t have any poo bags.

  Sighing, I cast around for something I could use as a substitute. Spotting a faded carrier bag caught round a lamppost, I bent down to pick it up. At that moment, a car pulled into the car park and two men got out.

  ‘Why would the old woman come to this dump?’ one of them asked.

  ‘Who the hell knows why she does anything? Let’s get in and get out before anyone raises the alarm.’

  A cold shiver ran down my spine. I wasn’t the only one. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Pumpkin with his hackles raised. From the way he was standing, he was about to launch himself at them.

  I threw myself backwards and grabbed him. ‘Stop it,’ I hissed with some vague hope that he might understand me. ‘We can’t let them see us.’

  Pumpkin writhed and wriggled. There was no way I could continue holding onto him. I extricated one hand and reached for my wand, waving it towards the dog just in time. As soon as he stopped moving I breathed out and turned my attention back to the men. They were already entering the hotel. I had to get to Rose. And fast.

  Rather than follow the men through the main doors, I took a shortcut. I was holding the now-silent Pumpkin under one arm and gripping my wand tightly with my other hand. It was just as well that Rose had requested a room on the ground floor. I’d have to cross my fingers and hope that it took her would-be assassins a little time to locate her room number. With luck, I’d get her out of there before they realised she’d gone.

  I ran round the edge of the car park, veering right at the corner and leaping onto a grassy verge. Within moments I’d found a fire escape door that I knew would take me to within metres of her room. I jabbed my wand towards it and a small spurt of magic flowed forth. Unfortunately, the adrenalin building up in my system was having more of an effect than I’d realised; the door burst open with such force that it slammed against the wall with a loud bang and cracked the plaster. I couldn’t worry about the damage now. I had to get to Rose.

  I sprinted through the door and down the corridor, skidding to a halt when I reached her room. I thumped on the door and shouted, ‘Rose! They’re here! We have to run!’

  There was no answer. I swallowed my rising fear and raised my wand again. Before I could use it to break open Rose’s door, however, the handle turned and she was standing right in front of me. She was barefoot and wearing nothing but a hotel dressing gown – and yet only yesterday she’d been extraordinarily sniffy about the man we’d seen in similar attire.

  ‘Why the feck are you back here? My Pumpkin needs a proper walk!’ She waved her arm at me. ‘Go on. Feck off!’

  I put my foot in the door and grabbed her hand. ‘We have to go, Rose. Now.’

  She shook me off with surprising strength. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’

  ‘There are men here,’ I said breathlessly. ‘I don’t know who they are but they’re looking for you. I think they have guns. We’ve got to leave.’

  Rose didn’t look surprised. ‘They’re here already?’ she asked. ‘That was quick.’

  I stared at her. ‘You knew they were coming?’

  She flattened her mouth into a semblance of a smile. ‘I invited them.’

  ‘What?’

  Rose wagged her finger. ‘Don’t you go doing anything stupid like calling the coppers. Not yet. Just take my Pumpkin away from here. I’ll come and find you later – if I can.’ Her brow creased and her eyes dropped to the stuffed toy under my arm. ‘Where is my dog?’

  We had only a few seconds at best. I’d turn Rose into a cuddly toy as well if it meant I could keep her away from the goons that were after her. I gave up on conversation and grabbed her once again, keeping a tight grip on her arm. She wouldn’t shake me off this time.

  ‘We are leaving.’ I hauled her out, all but dragging her down the corridor.

  ‘What are you doing, you crazy bitch? Let me go!’ She raised her voice and began to scream. ‘Help! Fire! Help!’

  She was only going to draw the assassins’ attention with her caterwauling. Stuck between one stuffed Pumpkin and one shrieking pensioner, it wasn’t easy to angle my wand but I managed it. ‘Sorry,’ I muttered. ‘But needs must.’

  Almost immediately, Rose fell silent. I sneaked a swift look at her face. Her blue eyes were wide with growing panic but her mouth was firmly closed. Her magically enforced silence wouldn’t last long but it would serve for now.

  She started to struggle more violently against my grip. Fortunately for me, her dressing gown was about three sizes too large and the loose material tangled against her bare legs and prevented her from getting very far. It was too difficult to continue dragging her, however. In the end, I gritted my teeth and shoved her over my shoulder in a fireman’s lift as we burst into the open air.

  I jogged towards the car park, thanking my lucky stars that I’d had the foresight to keep the key to the rental car. I bundled Rose inside the vehicle, tossed Pumpkin into the back seat and started the engine. It was time to vamoose.

  I’d barely put the car into gear when Rose decided that she hadn’t finished fighting. She lunged for the steering wheel, doing everything she could to wrestle it from me. As I tried to shove her back again without injuring her in the process, the two men appeared round the corner. One of them shouted and pointed in our direction and they both sprinted straight for us.

  My stomach lurched.

  ‘You fecking bitch!’ Rose hissed at me as the temporary magic I’d placed on her mouth wore off. ‘My gun is in the hotel room. I was ready for them and you’ve messed it all up.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah.’ I elbowed her out of the way one last time. ‘Stay in your seat or you’ll never see Pumpkin again.’

  She gasped. ‘You wouldn’t hurt my dog!’

  No, I wouldn’t but she didn’t need to know that. I reversed out, wheels skidding. In the rear-view mirror, I saw the taller of the two men raise a gun and aim. I swerved left. The windscreen on one of the nearby cars shattered as a bullet exploded into it. I ignored it, changed gears and accelerated out of the car park, gripping both the steering wheel and my wand.

  ‘Where is my fecking dog, you eejit?’ Rose demanded as I sped away and turned the pretty Carlisle streets into a blur.

  ‘Back seat.’ I gave a satisfied nod as I located the main road out of the city.

  ‘I don’t who you really are,’ she spat, ‘but if you think I’m some stupid old woman who is willing to believe that the stuffed creature lying there is anything to do with my Pumpkin then…’

  I jerked the wand, transforming Pumpkin into his usual vexing self. He wasted no time in leaping up at my seat and clawing at my shoulder. ‘Call him off,’ I said through gritted teeth, ‘or I’ll change him back again.’

  I could feel Rose staring at me. ‘Are you some kind of witch?’

  ‘No.’ I switched my wand to my right hand in case she made a grab for it. ‘Call. Him. Off.’

  ‘Pumpkin, down,’ she commanded. The little dog obeyed and planted all four paws down. He continued to growl but at least he was no longer trying to flay me alive. Small mercies.

  I continued down the main road for a few minutes before making an executive decision to turn off into a quieter country lane. Rose huffed, seething beside me. If I’d been hoping that she’d take this opportunity to tell me what was going on, I was sadly mistaken. She pinned her mouth closed and folded her arms.
She didn’t need to say anything; her glares spoke volumes.

  Eventually locating a small layby, I pulled in and switched off the engine. I turned towards her. ‘It’s about time,’ I said, my voice tight and angry, ‘that you told me exactly what is going on.’

  ‘Actually,’ she returned, ‘I think you should tell me what’s going on.’ She banged her chest for emphasis. ‘Who the feck are you?’

  I took a deep breath. ‘You won’t remember it but I was with you yesterday. At least one of those men came to your house. We escaped out the back and ran to some nearby woods where you had hidden a Jeep. Then we came to Carlisle.’

  ‘I don’t have dementia! If you were there I’d remember! Besides,’ she snorted, ‘I don’t run away. I’m a fighter.’

  If there was one thing I’d learned about Rose Blairmont over the last day, it was that. ‘I know,’ I said. ‘But I think my presence complicated matters and forced you to leave your house.’ I paused. ‘Which is a shame because it’s a really pretty cottage. Especially with all those fading roses climbing up the walls.’

  Her eyes spat fire. ‘You were not there.’

  ‘I was,’ I answered calmly. ‘The reason you don’t remember me is that I’m a faery. In fact, I’m a faery godmother. Your faery godmother. There is magic tied into me that means you don’t remember me from visit to visit.’

  Rose opened her mouth to continue arguing, then she glanced at Pumpkin who immediately switched his ongoing growl to a plaintive whine. ‘Either you temporarily turned my dog into a toy or I’m going crazy.’

  ‘I only did that because Pumpkin saw those men and was on the verge of going hell for leather and attacking them.’

  ‘Good boy!’ Rose beamed.

  ‘They would have killed him.’

  She frowned. ‘No one hurts my dog.’

  ‘Well,’ I said, ‘they would have. And I doubt they’d have shed a tear over it. Now tell me – who are they and why are they after you?’