by Adam Zorzi
“I'm sorry, Dad.”
Daniel looked at her kindly. “Sweetheart, it was a long time ago.”
“How did you get better?”
“The psychiatrist tried different medications and one finally worked. Slowly, I moved back into life. I felt better. I had physical therapy because I'd spent so much time in bed that my muscles had atrophied. Once I was able to walk around, the psychiatrist insisted I leave my room and my parents' house and go to his office for visits. He required me to take daily walks around the cul de sac and keep a journal. I hated that. I think I wrote the word blank every day for a couple of months. That's how I felt. Blank.
“I didn't have any interests. I couldn't concentrate well enough to read even comics in the newspaper. I'd fall asleep watching a movie on TV. Sitcoms were about families or co-workers and I couldn't relate to them.”
“But you got better,” she prompted.
“After the medication got to full force. I wanted to go outside and move around. I read about sports in the newspaper. I could watch at least half of a football game on a Sunday afternoon with Dad and Rob. One little thing at a time, I got back to being a normal person, but it took about three years. Once I felt semi-normal, I realized I couldn't live with my parents forever. It was a burden for them, and I had to be independent. I had to get a job.
“Kate, I need a break. I'm going to get a Dr. Brown's cream soda. Your favorite. Do you want anything?”
“No,” she shook her head, “Not right now.” She hugged Holly close and sat very still.
CHAPTER NINE
Bella relaxed while Daniel was in the kitchen. She didn't realize how tense she'd become both from concentrating to keep Daniel from sensing her presence in any way and being so fascinated by his story. She'd picked a great night to check on him. Eavesdropping on whatever he was willing to tell the girl was almost as good as a direct conversation.
Daniel returned to the same spot on the sofa and sipped his soda. He turned the TV off.
The girl dogged him immediately with questions.
“How did you get a job? You didn't have any experience or references.”
The corners of Daniel's mouth turned up. “I'd recovered from a long traumatic episode of depression not stupidity. I was a UVA graduate with a degree in economics. I'd taken time off after graduation for medical reasons. That's all any potential employer needed to know.
“I took a civil service job doing something that wasn't hard for me—data entry—that allowed me to adjust to working five days a week. As I got better, I took jobs that were more interesting, but I never took one that required me to travel or work overtime. I could only work from eight to four and go home. Learning to interact with co-workers scared me. I was nervous they would sense something was wrong with me and tried to avoid them, but eventually, I adjusted. I forced myself to say hello to everyone every day. That was an enormous effort for me.”
“Saying hello was a big deal? You're so friendly. I can't imagine that.”
“Don't try, sweetheart. Socializing is a skill. I just needed practice. The final piece was when I moved out of my parents' house and into an apartment close to work. I'd never lived independently. I was lost at first, but I made a routine that I followed strictly until I got the hang of it.”
“Like what?”
This girl was relentless. She wasn’t cutting Daniel even a little slack. She'd probably been in the dark about his emotional life for a long time and was now seizing the opportunity to find the missing pieces about her family history.
“A daily schedule of everything to do that day plus a weekly schedule of doing laundry, grocery shopping, and paying bills. I also had a strict schedule to follow that consisted of taking anti-depressants and seeing my psychiatrist.”
“You had that all written down? On a calendar?”
Daniel shook his head. “Three calendars—one for what I had to do every hour, day, and week. I gradually didn't have to look at it every single day. Back then, no one had cell phones, so I relied on alarm clocks to remind me to do things. I became friendly with neighbors in the apartment complex. I started running. Week by week, I was able to work and maintain my health, an apartment, and a car.”
“Didn't you date?”
“Not for a long time. I think I was about thirty. I'd go out with a girl once and that would be it. I compared all of them to Bella and no one ever measured up. I was slow to realize that Bella wouldn't look twice at me. I wasn't anything like the guy she'd known and loved. I was maybe forty percent of who I used to be. I didn't deserve Bella. So, I accepted who I'd become and started dating people who might be interested in who I was then. I got the hang of it eventually, and met your mother the year I turned forty.”
Interesting. It took him almost twenty years to even begin to function without her. Bella smiled. Invisibly.
Whether she lived with Daniel or not, the girl had some of his mannerisms. Bella could tell she felt insulted by what he'd said about lowering his standards. Kate narrowed her eyes.
“You mean you settled for Mom.”
Daniel's head jerked up. He turned to look at her. “I didn't settle for your mother. Your mother accepted who I was. She'd be the first to say she wasn't brilliant, she didn't like to balance a checking account, and she didn't care about traveling the world. She was fun. She liked her job in marketing. She was athletic, liked to do all kinds of things outdoors that I enjoyed, and she loved cycling. What she wanted most was a happy family. She said she had everything she'd ever wanted when you were born. Neither of us settled.”
Bella thought she saw a few tears from the girl. She, however, thought Daniel had just described the most boring life and marriage possible. A woman who let her husband handle all the finances? Didn't travel? Didn't even want to know what was going on beyond her cul de sac? Really, Daniel had told a nice fairy tale to the girl, but her Daniel settled when he accepted that marriage.
Daniel exhaled two long breaths. Ivan had returned to sit on Daniel's feet, and Daniel reached down to rub him behind the ears. He looked at Kate and not the floor when he spoke. “So, that's how it feels.”
This time, Kate sighed. Exasperation. “You haven't told me about being in psych hospitals.”
“I really don't want to tell you about that.”
“Why not?” She moved so quickly on the sofa the cat jumped off her lap and headed to Selma's room. “You're not sparing me anything. Ever since I was ten years old, I've been the girl whose dad killed her mom and got away with it. No one wants to hear that the charges were dropped. It's a better story to say you went crazy and killed Mom.
“Then, you discovered you had a baby with your girlfriend and you shut yourself in your room stalking her online for months. Gran said I couldn't visit because she was sick. That wasn't true. I couldn't visit because you'd become obsessed and would've ignored me if I'd come. Gran didn't want me to know you were locked in your room stalking your other daughter and writing letters to her or your girlfriend. You couldn't tell them apart.”
Odd. Daniel couldn't tell them apart? He’d confused LouLou with her? Bella choked.
Daniel was instantly alert. Ivan looked up at Daniel.
“Did you hear that?”
“No, quit stalling.” She sat.
“I heard a woman's voice. Like she was choking or coughing.”
“It was probably something Gran's listening to in her room.”
Daniel stood and started toward the door. “Stay where you are. I'm going to check the alarm.”
Bella vanished through the front door and waited outside as she imagined Daniel checking to see if the alarm was on. She hoped he wouldn't open the front door and look around. She saw him peek through the glass panes at the top of the door and walk back to the den with Ivan at his heels.
Damn. She knew it. She knew Daniel would notice her if she wasn't careful. She'd been careful, but hearing that Daniel had been in such a state as to confuse her with that stubborn LouLou was annoying. S
he'd been caught off guard. She whisked herself back to her post near the door but as close to the wall as she could get and still hear.
Neither of his daughters were particularly perceptive about Daniel's feelings. Now, this girl was intent on forcing Daniel to relive the nightmare of LouLou's trumped-up stalking charges.
“The FBI investigated. You were arrested again and cut a deal. You went back to Petersburg for six months and another psych hospital after that. I didn't see you for almost a year. Did you think I didn't know the reason? Gran, Uncle Rob, and Aunt Suzanne told me as little as they could so I wouldn't be afraid of you or think that you'd never come back. They said you'd come home much sooner this time.
“Don't you get it? I was older this time. I heard stories on the news. People wanted you put away for good. They said you were a menace. Girls at school talked about it. Everyone knew I was the kid with the crazy dad. Sophia, Josie, and Jada were the only ones who stuck up for me.”
Daniel looked like he was about to cry. Bella was certain he'd been in so much confusion and pain that he hadn't thought of anyone, including this girl who, unfortunately, was short and looked like Daniel. Looks that made him handsome didn't do much for a girl. She clearly was athletic. Soccer? Field hockey? Gymnastics?
LouLou was pretty enough. Tall, slim, long blonde hair. She was mostly Bella with enough of Daniel to keep her from being a beauty. Daniel was a handsome man, but certain features from him plagued both LouLou and this one. The size and shape of his eyes, for one. The texture of his hair. Bella was losing focus. She didn't care what either child looked like. They weren't important. She forced herself to concentrate.
“At least tell me what it was like being in the psych hospital the first time,” the girl said. Negotiating.
Daniel held the can of soda between his hands. She knew people with mental illness found holding cold things like glasses of ice with water to be soothing. Daniel must be uncomfortable because he didn't look at the girl. He stared into space again.
“Sweetheart, I don't remember most of it. The last thing I remember was the day we got Holly and Ivan from the animal shelter. I gradually woke up, and the doctors told me I'd been in a catatonic state for about two years. I got better. I took meds, did physical therapy, and saw my psychiatrist every week. Something happened at Petersburg that got me transferred to Richmond Memorial Hospital, but I don't know what it was. I got better and came home. I mean, I moved in here with Gran. Our house, the one where we lived with your mom, had been sold. I accepted that I was too sick to ever work again. I had to figure out a new life. Again.”
Daniel didn't remember the incident that frightened him into catatonia. Good. He'd have nothing but the deepest feelings of love toward Bella.
“What about the second time? When you stalked your daughter?”
The girl truly was relentless. She was seizing her opportunity. All great for Bella, who could learn everything from Daniel's perspective.
Daniel took a deep breath before speaking.
“At first, I was shocked—the kind of shock when you hear any life-changing news. You know what that feels like, Kate. I'm sorry you do. I couldn't believe Bella and I had a child.”
Daniel waved his hands in enthusiasm. Some soda sloshed on his pants. “It was like this blessing I'd been waiting for all my life. I had a child with Bella and even though she was born in Paris, she lived in Richmond. That had to be fate. I was so happy.” He noticed the wet spot on his pants and put the can on a coaster on the end table next to him.
“When LouLou told me she wanted nothing to do with me, I couldn't believe it. I didn't understand and I was hurt. After the shock and happiness wore off, I felt depressed. I sank under things, but this time I had an interest. I wanted to know the child I had with Bella. She resembled Bella. I knew she was a DJ, an artist, and a kind person. She was the only one who paid any attention to me at Petersburg. I had to convince her to be part of my life. Surely, she'd see that a baby born in Paris who grew up and moved not only to the United States, but to Richmond, where he father lived, was fate.
“I couldn't believe she would only see me once. She treated me with suspicion. We met at a public place—Ginter Gardens—and walked around until I asked if we could sit somewhere. I wasn't physically strong yet and tired easily. We had drinks in the tea house, but she didn't stay long. She barely listened to anything I said about how much Bella and I loved each other. She glanced at the picture I showed her of Bella and me. Bella was pregnant with her then. Bella glowed. LouLou just wished me health and walked away.”
Look where that got her. Bella wondered again how a child of hers could be so dim. Bella had resorted to killing LouLou's adopted father to get LouLou to realize she had a real father. Even then, she stubbornly refused to see Daniel. LouLou broke his heart. Again.
The girl was getting fidgety. Daniel didn't seem to notice.
“Dad, she's an adult. She's over thirty.”
“Why does that matter?” Daniel looked perplexed, but he still didn't look at the girl.
“She had a father. That ambassador. I know terrorists killed him, but she didn't need a replacement. Did you really think you were just going to step in and she'd be all happy to have an extra father?”
“Yes, Kate, I did. I realize now it was too much to ask of a woman who not only was an adult and working, but was fragile. I wouldn't have wanted a new father at thirty, although I'm not a normal example.”
“Didn't you think about me?” she yelled and stood directly in front of him so he had to look at her.
This should be good. Did he?
“Not when I was obsessed, Kate. I didn't think about anyone except her. I'm sorry.”
The girl looked like he'd slapped her and stood frozen in front of Daniel. Poor man. Sweet, loving Daniel who wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone seemed to decimate everyone around him. Bella wasn't sure whether he was forthcoming because he was an honest man or whether he didn't realize how much pain the truth had inflicted. Probably both.
“At least you told me the truth,” the girl whispered. “Everyone else lied to me or glossed over the details of the story. I'm sixteen, but I've experienced a lot.”
“I know, Kate, I know. I'm sorry. I am.” He didn't try to hug her. “I didn't know what the girls at school said about me. That must have been awful.”
She was moving around the room, her voice rising. “It still is. You're not getting it. The first thing anyone I meet thinks about is the girl whose dad killed her mother and was at Petersburg for years. The second thing is that I'm the girl whose dad stalked her half-sister and had to go to Petersburg. It's always going to be like that. Even if I move to Ethiopia, the story will eventually get out. It's okay. That's part of who I am, but it's not all. I just want to know enough so I'm not blindsided when some random detail gets thrown at me.”
This time he did stand and hug her. She hugged back, but she didn't cry.
She sat on the sofa and fiddled with her bracelets. “Tell me the rest, Dad. About the obsession.”
Daniel finished his soda. “After I was removed from contact with anyone except medical people, I got some perspective. In therapy groups, women talked about what it felt like to be stalked. All of their stalkers wanted to hurt or kill them, but the stalking itself scared them just as much. They were on guard every day.
“I got a new anti-depressant and I started to think about other people again. I no longer wanted to lie in my room and think about her all the time. I remembered you, Gran, Rob and Suzanne, and the people at the animal shelter. I remembered Holly and Ivan. Gradually, I got back to normal. My normal, that is. I was already far from the man I was when you, your mom, and I were a family. I was much less than that. Now, normal for me is never feeling I'm in synch with the world. I take anti-depressants continuously now. My illness is considered chronic. Like diabetes. I have to check myself every day to see if I feel like Mørk is coming.
“My normal means I'm not able to work or do lots of
things people do without a second thought. I do have feelings. I love you. I look forward to seeing you and hearing about your life. I love Holly and Ivan. I hate that Gran can't relax and enjoy herself. She has to make sure I'm okay when I'm with you. I hate that you have to board at St. Margaret's and visit one weekend per month. I've accepted it, though. I can't fight it. The court is never going to give a man who has had two stays at Petersburg custody of anyone. That's the whole story.”
The girl sat quietly. Selma came in looking frail. Cooperating with the FBI investigation into Daniel for stalking LouLou must have been painful. Her home had been searched and her son taken away. The woman looked weary, but her voice was soft and sweet.
“Everything all right in here? Sounds awfully quiet.”
Quiet? The girl had been pacing and yelling just a while ago. Of course, after the story was out, both Daniel and the girl sat on opposite ends of the sofa lost in their own thoughts. Poor Selma. She couldn't even sit in her bedroom on a Saturday night and read or watch TV or listen to music without having to check on her adult son and his teenage daughter. She had to referee to prevent either or both from getting hurt.
Daniel looked at his feet and absent-mindedly rubbed Ivan's head. The girl looked up and said, “We're having a talk. About college.”
“College?” Selma asked. “You're only in the first semester of your junior year of high school. Are you thinking about college already?”
“Yes. I take the PSAT this spring and visit colleges over the summer to decide what I want. Applications are due in November. The pressure is on.”
Selma sat. “I'd no idea. Way back when Rob and Dan were choosing colleges, there really were only two choices. UVA and Virginia Tech. Neither was interested in science so it was UVA. We never doubted they'd be admitted.” Selma smiled at Daniel.
Relieved of the burden of conversation with the girl, Daniel sat quietly, staring in the direction of his mother and rubbing Ivan's ears. The conversation about college was probably new to him but he didn't seem interested.