Walls of Ash

by Amber Newberry

  Poor Emmaline, she cannot have a child of her own and Charles has made Camilla pregnant. I must never let her know, she would be heart broken, she loves Charles deeply. I pity her. I cannot say that I am sad to see Camilla go, I have been weary of her for some time, though Bernadine seems upset.

  Camilla was better educated than Bernadine, she was taught by a governess who was a poor relation of her father but the woman said that Bernadine was daft. Their mother was a woman who was known about the town for men to... I can hardly write it here. Bernadine was slow to speak of it, and I promised that her past would not be discussed. She trusts me. She worries for her sister, though. I gather from what she did admit that Bernadine may be Camilla’s half-sister, but I’m not so sure.

  I asked Bernadine to take Camilla's place but she thinks she is 'quite unfit' and has put out the word of the open position. I am sure that I can manage on my own for a while. James will be back from London soon. I have missed him dearly."

  The next entry was a few days later.

  "My nights have become restless, and I am so frightened by this place. I often go to bed with my rosary in hand, though I don't know what good it has done. My nightmares seem so real. They feel more like visions. I see myself standing in the Long Hall, and I am being watched, so I run through the house to get away and I get lost as I did often when I first came here. I am suddenly leaning far over looking out an open window, as though I was about to jump out... or be pushed. What is truly frightening is that I woke up standing by my window, which was unlatched and pulled back! I was sleepwalking!

  How I wish James was home to keep me from wandering in my sleep. If I did not wake up... I cannot allow myself to have these nightmares! It is unsettling!"

  The next entry was the following day.

  "Bernadine insisted that I see the doctor about getting something to help me rest. I have told her of my nightmares, and she is worried that I may be sick if I do not get some sleep. She is so good, she and Tam are my only comforts since Celia is not near enough.

  I received an invitation to a ball at Hilbourne Abbey to be held in two weeks’ time. James will be home by then, and I will be able to talk to Celia of these nightmares. I have missed her horribly since she left me."

  1 week after...

  "These visions have become more frequent. I have not slept though James has insisted I try. The doctor has given me a laudanum mixture to take before bed, but I think that it has made my nightmares worse. I have taken to sitting with Tam during the day, she seems to calm me and I even napped briefly with her in my arms. Bernadine sits with me and brings me tea while I stay in the nursery. She loves my little Tam so.

  I must talk to Celia about these visions. James is so worried for me. He says that my lack of sleep is making me hysterical, and he is right. He tries to understand and to comfort me, but it does little good. He tells me that the doctor says if I do not sleep soon, I will surely be in a bad way."

  There was another missing page before the final entry.

  "I am so glad that tomorrow I will be leaving to see Celia. We will stay a night at the Inn near Aven Cottage before we finish the journey to Hilbourne. Celia recommended I go to see the Aven flowers that grow at the cottage. I have heard that the midwife who delivered Celia's son has moved there now. She was a strange but amusing woman, it might do me good to see her again.

  I remember that she had a keen eye for remedies for Celia's trouble sleeping during her pregnancy, and I wonder if she might be able to fix me up with something. I am sure that is what Celia meant when she told me to go and see Creeda. She mentioned that Camilla stayed at Aven for a time, I feel sure that it is because of her pregnancy, but when I spoke to Bernadine she said that if she had, she already left because the last message she received from Camilla was sent from Dover.

  I must remember to say goodbye to my little Tam before we leave. She is growing so fast I can hardly keep up with her. James could not believe the difference when he arrived home from London. Her hair has grown bright golden orange, more than even my own. Emmaline seems to dislike the color. Poor Em, she has been sick so she has decided not to accompany us to Hilbourne.

  How I long for sleep, but I know that I will be able to rest easy soon, either with help from Creeda or by talking to Celia, we will get to the bottom of this."

  That was her final entry. Celia was right, there was only a hint of Camilla's pregnancy, but if she did stay with Creeda, it may have been because she was not certain of her pregnancy, yet. Perhaps it was time I paid Creeda a visit, myself.

  * * *

  Hilbourne was bustling the following morning. Li was up before I was, and when I went down to breakfast, she and Leo were just leaving the conservatory. There were so many guests staying that I was forced to sit with a talkative elderly man and his wife who asked after my health. They were sweet, but I hoped to remove myself from breakfast before Julian arrived. Unfortunately my plan did not work. Just as the old couple was saying, ‘goodbye’ until the evening, Julian stepped into the room and walked toward me. He grabbed my arm before I could get away.

  "I need to speak to you alone." I snatched my arm away and looked at him with a coolness in my eyes that would chill a snowman. He grabbed my hand and pulled me through the house and out onto the lawn. The garden was being set up for the party that evening and the house was overrun with guests, so there was nowhere else for him to take me.

  When we finally stopped, he kissed me hard on the lips. I pulled back and he held me tight before letting me go. Without thinking, I slapped him. Julian was stunned, and he placed a hand on his reddening cheek and then he laughed.

  "What is wrong with you?" I yelled at him.

  "Someday, Tam... Someday you will look back and laugh at all of this." He rubbed his cheek, but he was smiling and still laughing a little. I was more than a little displeased.

  "I do love you on fire, like this," he said, caressing my cheek.

  "What do you want?" I said with my arms crossed, and I knew he only kissed me because he found my anger entertaining.

  "I have a proposition for you." He looked down at me, knowing I would be curious. My eyebrows lifted questioningly.

  "I know you are angry with me, and I don't pretend that I can fix what you believe is the truth. Mr. Gould, he did not put the stipulations of your inheritance delicately. I'm not saying that you didn't need to know, it's probably better that you do." I was confused, but he continued.

  "Tam, I meant what I said, that I wanted you to come to me willingly." He was serious, now. He meant it.

  "I love you..." His hand went for mine as he said it, but I immediately pulled away. He sighed and looked up at the clouds. We stood solemnly for a moment, no words exchanged until he looked at me again.

  "My mother did not marry my father for love. It was... an arrangement. Neither of them fought it, they grew up knowing that this is how it would be. My grandparents... My mother’s family made their own fortune, and they wanted the noble blood to go with it. They saw their opportunity and proposed the idea to the Hilbourne’s and they accepted. I watched my mother wither away in this house. She was like a bird, caged for the amusement of a man she grew to hate. It was not his fault, my father tried, but she did not make it easy. That is what killed her, Tam." I could not look at him. This was the first time I could recall him being so open with me.

  "I don't want you to marry me because you feel forced into it. I never wanted that. That kind of relationship... It's not for me and I don't want it for you, either... or for our children." I shook my head at the mention of us having children together, this made him smile.

  "We won't announce anything tonight. My father has agreed to pay your people's wages until you can receive your inheritance..."

  "What?" I said, and the shock in my voice was apparent.

  "My father did not agree at first, but I told him that you would come around. You should not be forced, and I don't want you that way," he said.

  "You are trying to man
ipulate me..." I was still skeptical.

  "No... This was Celia's idea. Don't think I wouldn't have gone through with the wedding, because I would have. Even if it was just to keep you fuming." I knew he was joking, but I did not laugh at the comment, so he went on.

  "You'll realize what this is eventually, married or not. I just can't allow myself to take the beating to my own pride." I smiled at that because I knew it was true. There was no doubt of his arrogance.

  "... And India?" I asked.

  He smiled.

  "I'm sure that Leo's fiancée will gladly extend an invitation to her dearest friend to join her. I think it would be good for you to get away from here for a time. Though, you do realize that you would be stuck with me for at least a year, sometimes in close quarters on a ship at sea... where you can’t escape."

  I looked down and tried not to show him my smile. He stuck his hand out to me that we might shake on it. I took it willingly before we parted. He certainly was confident to think that I would eventually marry him.

  * * *

  After tea, I was delighted to see Fleur waiting for me in my room to help me dress for the party. It was the first time I saw her since she defended me from Eckhardt. Putting all ceremony aside, I immediately embraced her.

  “Miss, someone might see!” she said pulling away.

  “Fleur, I don’t care. You are the reason I am standing here and as far as I am concerned, you will be with me always.” I held her out at arms’ length. She was obviously surprised by my embrace, but she smiled at me, anyway.

  “I am so sorry, Fleur, what you had to do was... dreadful.” She looked at her feet. I saw that she was tearing up just thinking about it, and I wondered why Bernadine allowed her to be back at work when she was in such a state. I led her to sit near the window.

  “Fleur, I think you must take some time off. I do not want to see you working in my rooms until you have made a full recovery. I owe that to you, at the very least,” I said and thought, ‘... and that will give me time to talk to Creeda and find out what she knows.’

  “Oh Miss, I simply can't... my wages!” she said, and I told her not to worry about it, that she would be paid for the whole week.

  “You wouldn’t mind if I went away for the week, then?” she asked.

  “Of course not, Fleur. Do whatever you must to get past this!” Bernadine was furiously busy helping with the preparations for the garden party, so I told Fleur that I would tell her myself after things calmed a bit. Fleur thanked me about a thousand times before leaving. I slumped down in my vanity seat and let out a sigh. ‘Now who’s going to fasten my gown?’ I thought.

  Since Li was right across the hall, I stepped across to ask for her assistance. Celia was coming down the corridor. She seemed to have recovered from yesterday, and when I told her that I sent Fleur to away to rest for a while, she offered one of her maids to me for the rest of the week. She would be helping with the party that night, though, so I would not be able to make use of the maid until the following day.

  Celia and Li were obliged to help me that evening. Li’s dress was of a yellow silk that was covered with a sheer layer of batiste that calmed the yellow to a pale color. There was a purple line around the hem and the puffed sleeves had the same color in a triangular shape on the shoulder. A shiny purple sash which ran to the floor, even after being tied into a giant bow, finished the garment. The gown was flattering and she looked the most beautiful I had ever seen her, though I don’t believe it was the dress that made her glow.

  Celia’s gown was champagne colored with floral lace details in a middle strip down the skirt. The sleeves were sheer with tiny leaves all over. The sash was a wide silk of a darker champagne tone that tied in a huge bow at the back. Handsome, as always. Celia’s taste was impeccable.

  My gown was green satin covered with a white lace which panned out into a slight train in the back that sparkled with tiny intricate beadwork. There was braided green silk along the neckline and the sash was of the same color and material. We all wore long white gloves, the height of fashion. I finished my outfit off with the peacock bracelet from my mother’s box, and when Celia stood back she cooed over me, though I thought Li was the queen of that night. It was her engagement celebration, after all.

  Celia twirled my hair into a bun at the back of my head with a few curls escaping at the sides. She wrapped the same green material from my dress around it and tucked the ends underneath. Li had pastel flowers in her hair, which had calmed down so much from the frizzy chaos it was just a few years before. Celia’s hair was not decorated, but she didn’t need a thing to accentuate her beauty.

  When we finished readying ourselves, Li went to find a necklace from her room, leaving Celia alone with me. I told her I had finally finished the journal, and she asked if I had any further insight into Fleur’s father. I told her of my plan to visit Creeda to ask her about it. She agreed that it was a good bet she might know a thing or two. I suppose I could have asked Bernadine, but whenever I brought Fleur up to her, she waved her hand, called her a ‘flighty little thing’, and changed the subject. I assumed that she was embarrassed for her sister having given birth to her out of wedlock because she came from a similar situation herself.

  When we went down to the party, Celia split off from us to greet her guests, and Li was accepting congratulations. The transformation of the garden was enchanting. There were lanterns with filigree details and colored glass which provided a charming low light. I did not feel sociable, and discovered a good hiding place behind a tree where I could still enjoy the music and not be bothered. The dancers floated by while I was enjoying my solemnity, sipping on a second light honey colored sweet wine... or was it my third?

  Bernadine walked behind the trees carrying two of the decorated lanterns to light a darker portion of the garden and nearly walked into me.

  “Me lady! Yeh gave me a fright, I thought yeh were a banshee!” She spoke loudly and smelled of wine, and I assumed that the staff was doing some celebrating of their own. She was fitting in well at Hilbourne, and Madame Bourdeaux, the housekeeper there, seemed to be thankful for the help.

  “You have done a wonderful job on the decoration. Those lanterns are simply perfect!” I complimented her.

  “Oh thank yeh, Lady Rhineholt, but the lanterns, they were the work of Madame Bourdeaux, she brung them back from that outlandish place where they grow the tea,” she said.

  “Ah, I see. They are beautiful,” I replied and realized the wine was making me feel miserably warm.

  “Yeh look like yeh might burn to death, I’ll be back with a drink that’ll cool yeh an’ yeh might savor that wine a little slower, me lady.” She winked at me and went indoors. She spoke loudly in her indulgence, and Julian must have heard us talking because he came around the tree just as Bernadine ran off.

  I was not so disturbed by his presence after our conversation earlier in the day, and we stood silently together for a long time before he finally spoke.

  “I wish I found a place to hide sooner.”

  “This does seem to be the perfect spot,” I said.

  Bernadine came back with a cool glass of something she called a ‘remedy for tomorrow’s headache’, and I was not sure what she meant by that, but it was refreshing.

  “That’ll do the trick, me lady. Now drink that all down.” She gave me a wink and stumbled off back toward the house.

  “I see you even have special service behind this tree.” Julian said and we both laughed.

  “Bernadine is wonderful. She has been with me, always. I think that my mother was close with her when she first arrived at Rhineholt. She knew so few people so far away from Germany,” I said. We were quiet for another moment, and I began to realize how much the wine was affecting me.

  “I remember your mother,” Julian said after a moment. I turned to look at him.

  “She was beautiful... like you. She came to stay with us here once or twice when I was a boy. I remember when she came to meet Hilda, befor
e I went to India with my father.” He was facing forward as he spoke. I was looking at his profile intently.

  “I only have one memory of her. She kissed the palm of my hand before she left to come to a ball here,” I said.

  “I’m sorry you never knew her. Celia and my father, they have always spoken kindly of her... and your father, as well.”

  I finished the drink Bernadine brought me, but I still felt dizzy. I was beginning to lean forward, and Julian grabbed me by the shoulders, laughing.

  “How much wine have you had?” he asked.

  “I’m not sure... I kept drinking them to cool down but I only got warmer and warmer. I’m so glad for Bernadine, she had me stop drinking the wine only a moment before you--” I stumbled into him, and he held me for a moment before he laughed again.

  “Your nose is red.” He was smiling and supporting me with an arm around my shoulder.

  “I’m still so warm...” I was fanning myself. He led me to a bench that sat a little farther from the party. It was very dark, and the trees seemed to be reaching for me as we walked toward the seat. I thought that I could feel the earth moving beneath my feet. When we finally reached the bench, I practically fell into it, and Julian kneeled in front of me. He held my face and looked right into my eyes.

  “Tam?” I could hear him but I could not answer. The trees seemed to have eyes that were watching us and reaching out for me. They began to take on the shape of the dead.

  The next thing I remembered, I was lying with my head in Julian’s lap while he fanned me.

  “You fainted,” he said. “Don’t worry you were only out for a few minutes. Li was just here and she has gone to fetch you some water. You have only had wine?”

  I sat up, not answering Julian’s question. I still felt severely dizzy. Bernadine and Li came back together with a wet rag to press on my forehead and a cool glass of water which I drank in one gulp.

  “Oh Miss, that wine, it’s the devil’s drink!” Her breath smelled of alcohol, and I thought how ironic her comment was. They were all fanning me. I remembered the trees leaning in for me and becoming the familiar faces and it made me shiver.