“Sure.”
Layna smiled. “Okay. Later then.”
As Beth watched her walk away, she tried to make sense of her friend’s words. But what she knew of her and Renner’s history clashed with the way he’d talked about her to Layna. And with what he’d said last night.
Beth had replayed his words over and over.
I missed you so much, Bethy.
The expression on his face when he’d uttered those words was one she recognized. She’d seen it on the sad nights when he couldn’t sleep. When he was vulnerable. When he let her in for just a little bit, and let her be his friend.
She shook her head, but it didn’t clear a bit. Nothing about Renner made any sense right now.
There were faucets to fix, a door frame to repair on the honeymoon cabin, the fireplace in the main lobby needed shoveling, and one of the lodge’s five generators needed work before ice storm season came. A handyman’s work was never done. Not to mention, the entire place needed to be prepped for the Christmas celebration the lodge held every year for the neighboring town of Weston. That meant hanging lights and programming the music show that would accompany them, setting up the space for the bonfire, decorating twelve million Christmas trees, and building the stable for the live nativity.
But even with a to-do list the size of Santa’s, his thoughts were on a ghost of Christmas past.
Layna told him to leave Bethany alone. They needed her to stay and the only hope of that happening was if he stayed away.
He didn’t think he could.
He needed to explain himself. She was hurt and confused, and it wasn’t like they were on good terms when he’d moved away in the first place. His last words had been cruel. Most of his words to her had been cruel. It was no surprise she wanted nothing to do with him.
It was the path he’d set in motion as a young cat, and it was successful. For once, his scheming worked. Except, this time he wished it hadn’t.
He tossed the wrench in the sink. “Damn faucet.”
Oh, who was he kidding? This was for the best. Let her think he was an asshole who’d forgotten her. It would hurt her less in the end because even though she was his mate, Magic was right, Renner couldn’t have her.
It would break their code.
Big cats didn’t live in packs like the wolves. It went against their animal nature. But as shifters, they needed the strength of community. A clan was the answer. You follow the code, you could be a member. And the setting of the lodge was perfect because it allowed the illusion of being alone. At the end of the day, Renner and the other cats could go to their own cabins and give their animals needed downtime. You answered to only yourself, but your brothers and sisters had your back in a pinch.
As long as you didn’t break the code: no life mates. No exceptions.
“Did you break it?” Magic’s too calm voice came from the doorway of the bathroom. “The faucet?”
“It was already broken. The whole reason I’m here.”
“Yeah.” Magic leaned against the counter, crossing his arms. He stared at Renner past one arched eyebrow. “How you doing?”
Renner picked up the wrench and went back to tightening the nut. “I’d be better if I could get this leak fixed.”
“I know this situation is fucked up.”
“Understatement.”
“I just want to make sure we’re on the same page here. You can tap all over that, Ren, but it’ll have to end sometime. You get me? You can’t mate.”
Ren tossed the wrench away in frustration. “Yeah, I get it, okay?” He stared into the shower wishing it was a window to the outdoors instead. He felt trapped in the small space with his closest friend breathing down his neck.
“Do you ever wonder if this is right? If we’ve made the right choice? Our clan will die out with no young. Do you worry about it?”
He turned to face Magic and the pain in his friend’s eyes made him want to cut his own heart out.
“Every day, man. Every fucking day.” Magic’s hand absently rubbed the tattoo branded on his forearm. “But then I remember what happens when you blindly follow tradition and I… I can’t see any other way. The code is there for a reason, Renner.”
Renner knew all the damn reasons. The mountain cats weren’t like the ones in Africa. There wasn’t a pride. There was no such thing as family, or family values. There was blood born from a union of two, but there was no love. Not for each other and not for the young who’d come later. It was all urges. The urge to fuck. The urge to hunt. The urge to procreate, but only for the purpose of continuing the race.
After the mate, the female belonged exclusively to the male, but not necessarily the other way around. Renner remembered his dad coming and going as he pleased, his mom crying at night because he was with another female. But the shit storm never stopped with the parents.
Renner had never understood the way the cats loved. Not until the hunters got his mother. He’d watched from behind a rock, Layna trying her best to cover his eyes but miserably failing. His father came from out of nowhere, leaping on one of the hunters. His teeth latched onto his throat, viciously tearing. They shot him multiple times, but he didn’t let up. He’d give his life to protect her.
When they ran away, bloody and beaten, he’d limped over to her lifeless body and laid himself on top of her. The blood poured out of his wounds, puddling on the leaf covered forest floor. He could have changed, healed. It would’ve taken time, but his wounds weren’t life threatening.
But… they were life mates. She dies; he dies. A choice they’d made long before Layna or Renner. And his father honored it that day, choosing to die with his mate.
When Renner was old enough to exist on his own, he was dropped at the nearest hospital and told not to return to the lodge until he began the change. Nice and all, but ten-year-olds can’t exactly fend for themselves. Not according to the humans at least. So it was off to social services. It was by the grace of something greater than him, that he ended up with the Robertsons.
Once all the elder cats were gone, the clan made a drastic change. Magic had his own reasons for the code, but Renner, Layna, and the others were all in agreement: no life mates.
He rubbed his palms over his face. “What if it was different this time?”
Magic frowned. “It won’t be. Mountain cats aren’t family friendly, and that girl out there deserves a fucking family. Don’t be an asshole.”
Renner clenched his fists. What about him? He deserved a family too. And he’d had one for three years, with the Robertsons.
“Don’t you ever wish you could have that too though? Are you happy with mindlessly banging the girls who roll through the lodge, or don’t you ever want more? I want more, M.”
Magic stood to his full height, making the bathroom seem like part of a doll house. “Then you go out and find more, but you don’t find a mate and you don’t find a family. Hell, take up canoeing or fucking needle point if you have to, but we don’t break the code.”
Renner bent over the sink. The sick feeling in his gut hadn’t gone away since last night, but this talk with Magic was making it worse.
“Think about it, Renner,” his tone was a touch calmer, “We aren’t cut out for the kind of relationship your human will expect.”
“What are you saying?”
“She’ll expect you to be faithful. They don’t understand our ways when it comes to love.”
“That isn’t a human thing, Magic. Our females want that too. My mom did. I bet if we asked Layna she’d say the same.”
His expression turned bewildered. Like Renner had just revealed the answer to a mystery.
“Didn’t Mandi ever say anything—“
“Don’t mention her,” Magic growled.
Renner’s mouth snapped shut. He hadn’t meant to, he was just trying to make sense of things.
Magic shook his head. “No. This is who we are. It’s our nature, and it doesn’t work for relationships. Not with our own, and especially
not with humans.”
“Maybe it’s a choice, huh? Maybe we just choose to be faithful. Maybe we make sure we belong to them as much as they belong to us and we stick to it no matter what happens. Make the commitment mean something. Maybe we do something no cats have ever done before. Maybe we become better.”
Renner threw his tools back in his box. He’d fix the leaky faucet later.
“Just think about it.”
He strode past Magic before he could say anymore.
Chapter 5
It was five o’clock and Renner had worked like fucking hell to get things knocked off his list. It kept him busy and he’d stayed away from Bethany, but he was done with that. He needed to see her and so did his panther. Needed to see if she was okay. Needed to watch her move naturally, in her smooth sensual way, instead of stilted and tense. Needed to see her lips and her eyes and maybe touch her skin again.
Nothing could stop him.
Layna stepped in his way, causing him to practically skid in his tracks so as not to plow into her.
Correction. Nothing could stop him except that.
“No.”
“I need to see her.”
“No. In fact, hell no.”
“I just need to make sure she’s alright.”
Layna nodded. “Yeah, okay. I’ll just add a ‘fuck no’ to that.”
Renner grit his teeth, running a hand through his hair.
“This is for the good of everyone. I think you know that.”
Frustration was getting the best of him. His panther wouldn’t let him give up. “I talked to Magic. He’s fine with me spending time with her as long as it doesn’t get serious.”
Layna’s face turned cold. “Well, I’m not. She doesn’t deserve you fucking with her heart. And besides…” Her voice became a whisper. “Do you really think you can do this without getting serious? I thought you cared about Bethy.”
He shrugged but he had to really work to make it look careless. “I don’t know who she is anymore. Maybe she won’t matter like she used to.” Fat fucking chance, but his sister didn’t have to know that.
Layna narrowed her gaze, and Renner geared up to make his case more convincing when the door behind them swung open and out stepped Bethany. She was like a punch to his gut. All the air left him. She wore the same uniform she did every day, and her hair was done up and out of her face like it always was but today… he wanted to fall at her feet and worship.
Her eyes fluttered away as she spotted him. With a deep breath, she approached, her hips swaying as she walked. It wasn’t on purpose. It was just the way she moved. Made him want to grab those hips and pull her close and feel his body against hers. Bury his face in her neck and ask her forgiveness. For all of it. For the past and for the present and for the damned future.
Renner swallowed the knot in his throat. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“Can I talk to you?” He could feel Layna’s dragon breath gaze but he focused on Bethany.
She glanced at his sister and then back at Renner. “Sure, I guess so.”
“Alone? It’ll only take a minute.”
Bethany nodded and turned to lead him down the hall.
Layna caught his arm as he pushed past. “I’m on to you, Ren,” she hissed.
He yanked his arm free and ran to catch up with Bethany. She stopped at the first empty conference room and slid inside. He shut the door behind them.
There was so much he wanted to say but the first thing to tumble out of his mouth sounded cliché. “How are you doing?”
Bethany’s eyebrows went up. “I’m… fine. Just trying to get through the week so we can both move past this.”
She was still planning on leaving. Damn, he might as well go all in. Balls to the wall. Just lay it all open.
“I didn’t forget you, Bethy.”
Her eyes squeezed closed. “Please. Don’t call me that.”
“I didn’t recognize you because you’ve changed, but I never forgot you. Or Ryan or Mama Robertson. You three were my family.”
She canted her head as if she was measuring his words.
Renner took a step closer. “Can we start over? Can… can we have dinner and talk?”
“I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Shouldn’t we talk things over? Sort this out?”
She shrugged but it didn’t come off as careless as she’d probably hoped. “What is there to sort out? You’re just someone I used to know. We crossed paths again and now it’s time to move along.”
Fuck. Her words hurt. But she didn’t mean them. She couldn’t.
He was close enough to grab her hand now. Carefully, he brought it to his face, rubbing his cheek against the back. His panther purred inside. “That’s not exactly true though, is it? We’re more than that.”
She shook her head, her eyes wide. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He needed to start by making amends for the past. “The boy you knew when we were kids, he isn’t me. He wasn’t even me back then. I pretended to hate you to push you away and I’m sorry.” He looked deep into her eyes, telling her something he’d never told another. “It’s my biggest regret.”
She swallowed and opened her mouth to say something, but then hesitated. He took advantage of her pause, forging ahead with his explanation.
“There are things I can’t explain. Things I don’t understand myself. But I’d like the chance to make things right between us.” As right as they could be. Maybe this was a mistake, but his panther wouldn’t let him back off. And he didn’t want to anyway. “Please. Stay and give me some time. Just until the holidays are over, and you can decide what you want to do then.”
“I don’t know.” She sighed heavily, but didn’t pull her hand away.
He swept his thumb along the inside of her wrist, reveling in the delicate skin there. Bringing it to his mouth, he gently brushed his lips over the spot. He heard her tiny gasp, and all the blood rushed below his waist. His tongue darted out, tasting her. She smelled like herbs and spices and exotic oils, but she tasted like all woman. Her fingers curled around his hand so that he wasn’t the only one holding on.
He could lick her forever and be content as long as she responded like this.
Instead, he grazed the area with his teeth causing tiny goosebumps to break out along her skin.
“Renner?” His name on her lips was choked but it sounded delicious.
“Mmm hmm.” More licking and careful biting. More of her fingers digging into his hand.
“What are you…” her breathy question trailed off as he sucked on the delicate bone on the outside of her wrist.
Renner grabbed her other hand threading his fingers through hers while he continued his tasting.
“Why are you…” Once again, her question didn’t make it out whole.
He nudged her back against the wall, anchoring her there with his hips. “Why am I what?” he asked, against her skin.
He heard her swallow and her rapid breathing. “Kissing me.”
“I’m not kissing.”
An almost imperceptible whimper left her as his lips nibbled a trail up her arm. His tongue swirled at the crease of her elbow.
“That,” she breathed. “Why are you doing that?”
“Because. I’m holding back.” He sucked until the spot turned pink. “I want to do more. So much more.”
Her scent intensified, transforming into something darker, secretive. His throat rumbled with a purr. She wanted him too.
Too fast. This was too fast. There was too much between them right now, and he needed to think about what he wanted from her. Could he actually do what Magic suggested? Could he be with her and then let her go all over again?
He pulled away to look into her hooded eyes. “Dinner?” he husked.
She blinked away the fog of arousal. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
Her chest heaved, brushing against his with every labored breath. His eye
s dropped to the open collar of her polo shirt. He’d lick her collar bone next. And get this shirt off so he could—
“No food,” she murmured.
Reluctantly, his gaze went back to her eyes. “No food?”
Her teeth came down on her lip as she seemed to be considering something. “We can talk if you want. But I won’t do dinner.”
Renner frowned. Odd. But it wasn’t a ‘no’. “Deal. Meet me by the nativity after dinner?”
She nodded.
He released her hands and stepped back. The void he felt when their bodies were no longer connected was deep and wide. He had to find a way to change Magic’s mind. He’d make this mating work if she’d have him. Somehow.
Bethany went through the rest of the day in a haze. It was like she’d never been touched before. Like, she’d been asleep until Renner’s mouth woke her. And now that he was gone, she was only part there.
What the hell?
This was a dangerous feeling. She knew that much but felt powerless to stop it. If talking things through, as he’d suggested, helped her overcome this breath-robbing sensation, then she’d do it. But dear god, how was she going to stop from letting him have his way with her? And how could she reconcile this Renner with the boy from her past.
The boy hated her. Called her names. Made her life miserable. Laughed when she cried. Left her. Forgot her.
The man wanted her. Pursued her. Kissed her. Licked her. Like she was his favorite flavor.
Beth took a deep breath, hoping to stop the trembling she hadn’t been able to shake since the conference room.
But the man also wanted her to forget their past. Forget what he’d done, how he’d made her feel. How he’d shaped her beliefs about herself and her relationships. She didn’t know if she could.
She made her way to the back of the lodge restaurant where employees gathered for dinner. Layna was already there at an empty table. She waved Beth over.
“Sit,” she commanded. “I’ll get your food.”
“No, I can get—” She stopped Beth with a single look. “Okay. Thanks.”
Layna brought back a plate filled with Eagan’s meatloaf, homemade mashed potatoes and parsnips, and rolls the size of a baseball. The salad bowl was small but Beth went at it first even though she knew the meatloaf was the star of the meal.
Alphas for the Holidays Page 26