Katie nodded and took a deep breath, just as her husband arrived at the screen door. "Katherine, we are going home."
Katie hugged Jocelyn, who whispered, "Remember who has the control," and she walked away leaving Katie to walk out with Ciarán.
Once in the truck, Katie quickly put her seatbelt on and said, "Ciarán, are you still upset?"
Ciarán considered for a moment and then said, "I was furious earlier, now I'm more hurt and determined to set things straight before it gets too out of hand."
"Umm, are we talking before or after you 'set things straight'?"
She knew he was expecting her to beg, storm, yell, cry, and any number of other methods to stop the inevitable session so she knew she was on the right track when he had to take a moment to answer. "How do you want to do it?"
Katie was nervous with her anticipation of the tanning she was sure would be impressive. She also knew she could answer things better before rather than afterward and could see that she had control because he asked her. He wouldn't have asked her if she didn't submit to his remedy for today's events. She knew her mind tended to go mushy afterward and so, she said, "I would rather we do it before, but I will do as you say."
Ciarán nodded his agreement. They made a salad for dinner, which was a very subdued affair, and the conversations began with Katie.
"Honey, I know I was wrong and have been wrong a lot these days. I was feeling that submitting to your authority, to you as my husband, meant that I left who I was behind and became only who you wanted. Today, that wasn't it. I just didn't want to be away from what was going on."
"Katherine, we have talked about this so much that I don't know how to get you to understand that I love who you are, but sometimes, who you are, has to be tempered by who we are together. I don't know how to explain it any other way."
"Jocelyn has helped me to understand that allowing you to be the authority is a security blanket for me. Most of the things that you say are what I would have said independently as well. Take the mustang roundup. I never had any intentions of going anywhere close to where there are unpinned or uncontrolled horses because I'm pregnant and because I don't want to get hurt. But, because you said it and not me, I threw a fit."
Ciarán nodded.
"I really want to go to the roundup. I love being with you and seeing how much you love it, how excited you get, but if you think that I shouldn't go, I won't go."
Ciarán just sat there and let her continue.
"Today, when I saw you when you had almost made it to the truck and I was still at Bhaile Haven after you told me to go home, I thought I was going to die of a heart attack. I knew I had openly defied you. I not only shouldn't have, but I didn't need to. It was irresponsible of me because I could have, should have, helped with the families. Those children, whose mother was not with them, should have had extra arms to hold them." At this point, Katie wiped away some of the tears that were beginning to fall and she tried to control them.
"I was only thinking of myself in a selfish manner. I knew that physically, I would have been safe because I could see if there were any changes to the situation and quickly gotten out of there. The real problem was that I didn't want you to tell me to do anything I didn't first choose to do. If you had not said anything, I would have probably gone to the house to help with the families, but as soon as you said I should go, even ordered me to go, I decided no one tells me what to do. I was wrong." She calmed her increased breathing before continuing.
"So, I talked to Jocelyn to try to understand all of this. I know you don't trust me right now to follow your lead, to submit to your authority, but I will show you I can look at a situation and get the reasoning behind it. Then, if I can't see what you do, I will do what you say anyway and ask you later. This is what you said that night in the halfway cabin, but I just didn't get it. I thought I did, but I didn't. Ciarán, don't be angry. I honestly am not sure that I get it all, but I'm going to just do it." She paused and took a cleansing breath.
"Kind of, like when you take control when we make love, I just have to feel and experience it because it's your responsibility to make it a good experience and I always believe you will. I have to just allow you to lead and always trust and believe that you will do the best you can which will be good for both of us, we both have enjoyment. The responsibility isn't mine, but yours."
Ciarán mainly sat and listened. Finally, Katie said, "I'm sorry I have disrespected your love for me, your authority in our home, and unknowingly disdained our marriage. Please tell me what needs to be done to fix this so that I can do it."
"These are the perfect words, mo chroí, but hollow right now. I'll need to see you live them. In approximately eleven weeks, we'll have a precious baby to nurture, and I pray we are through all of this by then, but frankly, I'm skeptical. You will have to do just as you say; allow me to be responsible for the things that I need to be, and quit trying to be the husband. Let me take care of you."
Katie nodded. "I will try, but I need you to help me just trust you."
"For now, mo chroí, I'm going to help you remember the consequences of putting yourself in a compromising position when you do not have to. Even after a year and a half together, I know you are having a hard time putting your full trust in someone else, but until you do, we will have these sessions more often."
"Go upstairs and take off your clothes or put on a nightgown and find a comfortable position exposing your bottom to me because it will be a position you will need to hold for a while. Get pillows, whatever you need to be cushioned as needed, but leave your rear clear."
Katie nodded and reached up to kiss Ciarán that he deepened for a moment before shooing her upstairs.
Ciarán needed to prepare himself as well. He wanted to do anything but have a discipline session with his wife, but he didn't see any other way around it. Ciarán arrived at their bedroom. She'd used plenty of cushioning on every area around her belly and, as instructed, had her bare bottom upturned and prominently displayed.
"Katherine, no getting out of position, do you understand me?"
"Yes."
"Remember to use your word if you need it; yellow for a break, cricket when you reach your endurance."
"Yes, Ciarán. Ciarán, will this clear the slate?"
"I certainly intend that it does, mo grhá."
"Oh."
The lecture began with the first swat and while Ciarán never wanted to address this issue again, he was sure he would. What he hoped was that she would, at least, leave it until after the baby was born. He would have to use lower impact items besides his hand after this. Just in case, the jarring was too much. He hated that. While his feisty woman brought all sorts of joy to his life, he didn't feel happy in their marriage about this one thing. Trust.
Ciarán intended to spank her bottom raw. He was going to take her to her word. He was always careful to watch her signs and stop before she used her yellow, but this time, if she used yellow, he would stop and rest with her, asking her if she wanted to use her safe word but if not, then he would resume. If he didn't take it to the limit this time and stopped too soon, he would need to readdress the issue again to make sure this lesson was learned. If he took her to her limit, this time, he wouldn't have to readdress, they could be done with the whole distasteful incident, and they could move on. He decided that he would push her every time a safety issue arose so that he didn't have to do this often hoping the consequences alone would stop her.
'Yellow' was not a long time in coming because he made every swat count, with no warm ups and making solid connection each time. By the tenth very hard swat, she was wiggling and by the twentieth, she was cringing in anticipation of the next slap. By the thirtieth, she called yellow in a tearful voice. He stopped. His hand stung with the force he'd used to get his point cemented in her thinking and tattooed on her ass. A light sheen of sweat covered her body and her breathing was rough with unshed tears.
"Perfect timing," he said as he stepped back t
o admire his work. Her bottom was crimson, with red hot imprints of his hands overlapping her cheeks.
It was time to change it up. It wouldn’t be long now before she was at her limit. He reached to unbuckle his belt, watching her tense at the telltale metal jingle and sliding of leather through the belt loops of his jeans. He had decided not to comfort her because he did not want to lower her level of alertness to the punishment. Her breathing had returned to a more even cadence and it was time to start the final lap.
He placed his hand on her hot bottom and then wrapped the buckle securely in his palm. He did not need to alert her to the change in the implement; her body’s response to the change was confirmation of her knowledge.
"Okay, Katherine, ready?"
"Um, yes." He watched her settle herself, burying her face in the comforter.
Taking steady aim, he laid methodical stripes over the handprint artistry, connecting each print with stripes one over the other. Soon, she was tearfully announcing her apologies and oaths never to repeat the unsafe acts again. Several more calculated placements of the leather and he could see the moment she released and had hit her limit.
"Cricket!"
The air crackled with the instant stillness of the room. He aborted the next swing and tossed the belt to the floor, in favor of gathering his woman to himself. She now knew, even in punishment, he would honor his word.
Before she dozed off, he made sure that she understood that if there was one hint that this spanking did not do what it was expected to do, he would go to the next level. He then showered and went to bed himself, utterly exhausted both physically and mentally.
The next week seemed to fly by with Katie much more subdued. Ciarán told Liam it was the quietest his house had ever been in, but he missed the sparkling Katie. He worried he had broken her spirit and said he should have not taken her to her safe word.
Liam seemed to understand but said that when Jocelyn purposely went to North Dakota and then down to Wyoming when he had been very specific, he had taken her to her limit and he was not sorry now that he did. At the time, and right afterward, he ached and agonized over it, but he never regretted it now because she had found a nice balance since then. He never, ever had to go even close to the safe word zone again. In fact, he said he has not even come close to her playing the 'yellow' card because almost every time now, and there weren't many, was for her release not for safety.
Ciarán prayed that is how it worked out for Katie. It was all he could do to not baby her and make everything so much easier for her because of the tanning session. However, he kept telling himself that if he didn't want to ever to have to repeat that lesson again, then he had to leave it. She had to trust him and while warming her butt was not the way to earn her trust, it was the way to let her know he wouldn't allow her putting herself in danger because she resented his placing a boundary around safety issues.
Katie stayed home for the next day and Jocelyn didn't even blink an eye, considering she had no doubt that it had been a difficult evening once Katie and Ciarán got home. The women were careful not to ask about sessions. Only rarely did anyone share openly because it was something that even sisters did not want to discuss.
Chapter Nine
A week later, all the Montana O'Connors were having dinner at Cheyenne's and Quinlan's house when the subject of livestock came up. It seemed to find its way into most conversations these days.
"So," started Liam, "do you have everything set up for the transfer and then transportation of those mustangs yet, Ciarán?"
"Got it all set. If we have any pregnant mares, then we are leaving them at Da's until they deliver. We aren't even going to worry about breaking them until they deliver and then we are going to bring them to the ranch. Otherwise, we are going to tie them down because they will need to be protected from themselves. That being said, we are going to have to make one very long run with them. We'll get there, work the herd for the best picks, load em, and move em back as quickly and safely as we can. Three days is the plan, one day up, one to herd and cut, one to come back so three full days.
What I'm worried about is the fencing. Strength and correct height are important, don't want them kicking or jumping the barriers. We are only going to get what we think are exceptional stock. If that isn't but ten, then ten is what we'll bring home. I don't want to waste our energy on any that aren't sound stock given the work we have to put into them."
The following week, Jocelyn's mother had come down to see Paddy and brought with her a larger meat grinder because she said they would need it now that they had more to feed. Ciarán and Liam searched out a larger dehydrator and built a larger smokehouse in one day, with the help of the boys, supervised by Shane and Andrew. They were down for the final specs and the first round of inspections and foundational work on the house that Cheyenne and Quinlan had decided on.
Ciarán was checking on his part of the ranch and keeping the breeding and training schedules for the puppies and horses. Stabling horses and starting the trail rides again was a busy task. Liam was getting his guide work back into the season leaving the ranch in Ciarán's hands when he was gone. They had relieved the managers of the accounting part of managing the business and had given it to Cheyenne, but Ciarán was working on a ranch employee structure that made the running smoother.
"Lots going on this summer, huh?" asked Katie one evening in May.
"Yep. Busiest summer we have had that's for sure. I'm finding that I'm doing much more managing of workers and their jobs than working myself with the animals and the clients."
"So how do you feel about that?"
"Good question. I'm not sure yet."
"Well, as one of the bosses, you could always give the work you don't like to one of the guys who do like it."
"True, I should look at that. How are you feeling?"
"Fat, bulky, tired, and kind of queasy sometimes."
"When do we go to the doctor next?"
"I go this week, but I thought you would be too busy to go, with so much going on."
Ciarán reached over and tangled his fingers in her hair, pulling her to him to kiss her lips possessively. "There will never be anything so important that I won't be at the doctor appointment with you for our baby, not this one or the next one or any after that. I do all of this for you and our children. I'm not sacrificing my time with you. It's a pleasure, my pride, to go with you. So, máthair beag, when this week?"
"Mmm, I like it when you call me mother, not little mother as much, because that is a miss on the adjective, but okay. I go Wednesday morning." She returned his kiss as though he were the lifeline that kept her afloat, and when she was honest with herself, she knew him to be just that.
Katie was getting so tired that she couldn't get through a day without a nap. She did her job at Bhaile Haven with plenty of energy but by the time, she came home and had lunch, she would need to take a nap. Then she would work in the garden a while and sometimes take another nap, this time on the couch so she could hear Ciarán come home. She had decided to give up the public nurse job. She knew she would reconsider it after things slowed down because she loved it.
"Ciarán, I feel as though I'm never rested more than a few hours at a time."
"I know, muirnín, so I want you to listen to me and not get upset. I don't want you to go with me to the mustang roundup." Ciarán put his hand up trying to anticipate her response and said, "Let me finish. I have watched you get so tired and I'm worried that you won't get enough of what you need and will be miserable."
Katie crawled into his lap and cuddled in as much as her beach ball belly would allow. "I know. I want to go so badly, but I'm so tired and wretched now, at home. May seems warmer than last year and I'm just beginning to feel like I can't have the bathroom very far away and driving that far would be hard. My butt aches and my bones are hurting. On the other hand, I don't want to stay here and not see you do what you love to do. I feel that I'm missing something that I will never get back."
Ciarán tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and drew her into his chest. Katie put her head on his shoulder and sighed. "I know, I will miss you too, but we'll go again, honest, muirnín, and I'm apprehensive about you going this far and how bad it will make you feel."
Katie laughed. "Don't you mean how crabby I will be?"
Ciarán laughed with her. "Maybe."
She punched him and then was drawn in for a deep kiss that progressed into a gentle and comforting snuggle. "Katie?"
"Hmmm?"
"Will you stay home while I'm gone?"
"Stay and not go with you or stay at the ranch you mean?"
"Yes, and yes, and away from the stables?"
"I need to go to Bhaile Haven in the mornings."
"Katie, will you stay home?"
"But what if I need to see someone there?"
"I don't know really. I just don't want you off the ranch because that is the safest place for you when we are all gone."
"Ciarán, I didn't even agree to stay home and not go." Then when Ciarán gave her a look of 'ready to go to battle', she smiled and gave him a quick kiss. "I won't go because I can't imagine being comfortable enough to go. I can even promise to stay on the ranch unless I'm called to the Haven and then I will call Andrew and tell him since he will be the one here, or even call Parker. You have to give on this for me."
Ciarán appeared to be battling the fact that Katie was making a valid point but his fear for her while so many of them would be gone, made it hard for him to agree. He had never quite recovered the fact that she so effortlessly was placed in harm's way just outside of their gates.
"Please, Ciarán, I promise to not go off the ranch unnecessarily if you will give me the option of doing my job if needed. Please?"
"Deal, but you have to do your best to stay on the ranch. It's only three days. You try not to go, but if you really need to, then let Andrew know when you go and when you get back. He will be at Liam's anyway, do you want him to stay with you, or better yet, why don't you stay at Liam's as well?"
Katie Consents (Ciaran O'Connor Book 3) Page 13