by K. A. Hobbs
Jack is calling me, of course he is.
“Hello?”
“Carter, I’m… What the fuck are you listening to?”
“I’m out. What do you want?”
“Out where?”
“It doesn’t matter, what do you want?”
Carmen not having told anyone about us living together is proving tiring. It’s not my decision to tell anyone, she will when she’s ready, but sneaking around is exhausting. As is knowing she’s having one of the biggest, life changing operations a woman can have in a few days and hasn’t told her friends yet.
“I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come for something to eat on Sunday, we can watch the game? We’re heading back home soon.”
“I don’t think I can, I’m not sure what I’m doing.”
“Carter, the Bears are on. Don’t be a fucking idiot and come round. I’ll make burgers.”
“Fine, asshole. What time?”
“Six? Bring beer. Josie is going to see if Carmen wants to come over to Harry’s too.”
“Okay.”
“You’re acting weird, what are you—”
“I’ve got to go. I’ll speak to you later.”
I end the call before he asks any more questions. I can’t tell him, even if I’m able to come over on Sunday, Carmen won’t be. I can’t tell him because Carmen hasn’t told anyone yet and I promised her I wouldn’t tell anyone, that when she’s ready is good enough for me.
Except it isn’t.
I’m a really bad liar and I know if I see Jack, he’ll know something’s wrong.
“Carter?”
“Yeah?”
I look over and wish I hadn’t. She’s bending over, stretching I guess, her perfect ass is right in front of me and the pants she’s wearing look like they’re painted on and are leaving nothing to my perverted imagination.
Look into her eyes, Carter. Not at her ass.
“Jack asking questions?” she asks, straightening up.
“Yeah… Sort of… Not really…”
“He is or he isn’t?”
She walks over to where I’m sitting and to the refrigerator where she fills a glass with ice and water before coming to sit down next to me.
“He kind of is, yes. He asked where I was and he’s invited me to Harry’s on Sunday… Watch the game and stuff, they’re heading back to Chicago soon.”
“You should go. You don’t know when you’ll see them when they go back.”
“Carmen, you’ll still be in hospital on Sunday, I’m not going anywhere except there.”
“Carter,” she reaches over and takes my hand. “I really appreciate that, honestly I do. But if we’re going to stop people asking questions, you’re going to need to keep things normal and that means going round to Harry’s.”
“Josie is going to ask you over too.” I tell her.
“I’ll tell her I’m out with my parents that day,” she looks at me and I know she can see I’m struggling with all of this. “I’ll sort it Carter, okay?”
“I know, it’s just—”
“I know. I’ll tell them soon, but Meg’s just had Henry. They don’t need to know this yet, she needs to recover and bond with her son and Josie and Jack need to go back to Chicago and to their life, and they won’t do that if I tell them.”
“When are you going to tell Josie?”
“I don’t know… After the surgery, I’ll get Megan over and we’ll FaceTime or something… I haven’t thought that far ahead.” she rubs her head like she’s getting a headache.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be stressing you out.”
“Everything is stressful right now, whatever I do, I’m hurting someone. I can’t do right by everyone so I have to be selfish and do what’s right for me. I know that will hurt the people I love, but right now, I just need to think about me.”
She picks up her glass and walks into her bedroom, closing the door and effectively shutting me out.
I used to think I could deal with women, but tonight?
I’m not so sure.
Carmen and Lex have really hit it off and you’d think they’ve been friends forever. They’re both testing my patience and they are fully aware of what they’re doing. Both insist on dancing in the ridiculous heels and too short dresses, both seem to find it amusing to flirt with the many men who are clearly interested.
Honestly, the reek of desperation in this club is turning my stomach.
I’m standing at our table watching them, Carmen’s behaving in a very un-Carmen like way, I get it, she’s trying to forget, but Lex? She should know better. She’s currently letting some dick with too tight trousers grind himself into her and if she doesn’t stop it soon, I will. Carmen yells something to her and comes over to the table.
“Are you okay?” I ask as she wobbles a little.
“I’m fine, Carter!” she waves her hand around like it’s the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard.
“Will you have some water, please?” I hand her the glass and she takes it, downing the contents.
When a new song comes on, a song she clearly knows, she stands back up and looks at me.
“Seems pretty appropriate.” she grins at me.
“Carmen, what are you doing?”
“I thought that was pretty obvious, I’m going to dance. Are you coming with me?”
“Of course I am.”
There is no way she’s dancing on her own anymore.
I let her pull me onto the dance floor, I let her wrap her arms around my neck and move us both to the music and I smile, because I know that’s what she needs, but I know she’s scared, I know she’s hurting and I know I can’t do anything but what she asks of me tonight. She closes her eyes and lets the music pulse over us both, I meet the eyes of more than one interested male. If roles were reversed, I’m sure I would be just as interested in Carmen as they are.
What am I saying? I am interested, but my feelings don’t matter right now, all that matters is Carmen is okay, that she’s safe and protected and that she knows I’m here for her.
The song changes again and she beams up at me, clearly happy with the DJs choice. Some Indian beat starts to build and Carmen steps away and dances in front of me. I can’t take my eyes off her; dark hair around her face, her hips rotating in a way I swear I’ve only ever seen on the TV before. She steps right up to me and grabs my hands, placing them on her hips, I do what she asks and move to the music with her. It’s getting hotter by the minute in here, the packed dance floor seeming to get busier, there are bodies everywhere. I spot Lex and see her frowning at her phone.
“Drink?” she yells into my ear.
I nod and take her hand, guiding her off the floor and to the bar. I order us both a beer and she yells over the music for two shots of tequila. When the barman hands them to us, she calls over a toast of; to Harry and Megs and the little one they welcomed into the world, before tipping her head back and downing it. I haven’t seen her drink this much alcohol since we met, I’m not stupid, I know she’s drinking to forget, drinking so she doesn’t feel and that’s fine, but one of us is going to stay in control of this situation and it looks like it’s going to be me.
I guide us over to an empty table and take a seat, needing to practically place her on the stool to keep her with me. Her eyes are already glazed and I can feel them watching me. She holds her hand out and I take it, pulling her up.
She wants to dance, so we dance.
Lex finds us on the dance floor sometime later and lets us know she’s leaving. Alone, I’m glad to hear. She hugs Carmen and promises to come see her in the week, I tell her to text me when she gets back and she agrees, kissing me on the cheek.
The night passes much the same way, Carmen drinks and I don’t. When she stumbles in her heels and lands in the lap of a guy who’s been eyeing her up all night, I decide it’s time to call it quits. I lead her out of the club and into a taxi where she seems to have forgotten who she’s with and presses herself up against
me, before I have a chance to think, her tongue is in my mouth and my lips are responding purely on instinct.
“Carmen, stop.” I push her back and she glares at me.
“Why?” she huffs, pulling her dress down.
“Because you’ve had a lot to drink, this isn’t right and I’m not going to be that guy.”
“Fine.” she turns to look out the window and a few seconds later her shoulders are shaking and she’s sniffing.
“Carmen, don’t. Please.”
“I get it Carter, okay?” she sobs, not looking at me.
“What do you get?”
“That you don’t want to be with someone who…”
“Who?”
“Who’s about to lose everything that makes her a woman. Hell, I don’t even want to be with me, so why should you?”
“That’s not it at all.”
We arrive at the flat and Carmen leaps out. I pay the driver and head up the stairs after her, she’s standing, arms wrapped around herself at the top waiting for me. I let us both inside and she walks ahead and down the corridor to her room.
“Carmen, wait. Please.”
“It’s okay Carter I get it.”
“No, you don’t. You’ve got it all wrong.”
“Have I? You mean, the thought of me having this God awful disease ravaging my body doesn’t disgust you? Are you telling me it doesn’t gross you out, the thought of having sex with me knowing what’s happening inside of me right now? Because it turns my stomach Carter, it’s disgusting and it’s living inside of me and I can’t do a thing about it! So I understand why you don’t want to be with me, really I do.”
“Stop it.” I walk towards her and pull her into my arms, needing her to stop saying these things.
“I hate it. I’m disgusting.” she sobs into my chest.
“You’re so far from disgusting. It’s not why I said no. We can’t, there is so much going on right now, I don’t want anything we do to be a regret in the morning, okay?”
“I just want to forget, I want to remember what it’s like to feel wanted, Carter.”
“You are wanted, we don’t have to have sex for you to know that. I’m here for you, no one else. You. I’m leaving my family, I’m leaving my home to be with you, if you don’t realise by now you’re wanted, I don’t know what else I can do to show you.”
“I don’t need to be wanted like that, Carter. I need to be wanted, desired, I need to know I still turn men on and that I’m still a woman.”
I reach down and pull her face up so she’s looking at me, I push every inch of my body to hers and make her look at me, make her realise what she does to me.
“Can you feel that?” I ask her.
“Of course I can.” she blushes.
“I want you, I’ve wanted you from the first moment I saw you. But this isn’t about that, it’s more than that and you know it as well as I do.”
“I’m so scared after Thursday, I won’t feel like this. What if, when they take it out… I lose all feeling? What if I don’t ever feel alive again? What if I don’t ever find anyone attractive? What if I don’t ever get turned on? It sounds so stupid, but it’s so real to me.”
“I don’t know, I can’t answer those questions,” her hands come up and pull my face to hers, her lips are inches from mine when I find the strength to pull back. “But we can’t do this because you’re scared. There are thousands of reasons we should, and that isn’t one of them.”
“Carter, please.” she sobs, as I step back. “Remind me I’m still a woman. Please.”
“No. Not like this, you’ll regret it in the morning, I’m not—”
I don’t get to finish my sentence, she turns and walks into her room and slams the door. I let out the breath I don’t realise I’m holding and close my eyes taking a few deep breaths. I know she’s hurting and I wish I could help her, but not like this. I have so many feelings running through my body right now, I don’t know what to do with them.
I walk towards her door and press my ear to it. From inside I can hear her sobbing, it takes everything in me not to push open the door and go and comfort her. I know one thing will lead to another and the line I refuse to cross will become blurred.
I will not let that happen.
I sink to the floor, my back to the wall and listen to her crying, I can’t make it better, I can’t go in there, but I won’t let her be alone either. I take my phone out of my pocket and text her, letting her know I’m outside if she wants me. I hear the message ping on her phone and then I hear her throw her phone to the floor.
She doesn’t reply.
And she doesn’t open the door.
“No. Not like this, you’ll regret it in the morning.”
He’s right.
I do regret it.
“There are thousands of reasons we should, and that isn’t one of them.”
Right again.
“You’re so far from disgusting. It’s not why I said no. We can’t, there is so much going on right now, I don’t want anything we do to be a regret in the morning, okay?”
It would have been a regret, but so is what we didn’t do. I guess, this is the lesser of two evils. I lay in bed listening for any sound in the flat. There is none, so I guess I’m safe to go and get some coffee and pain killers for the pounding in my head.
I remove last night’s clothes and make up, pull my hair back and slip on a pair of pyjamas. I look in the mirror and groan. I look horrendous and it’s all my own doing. Why did I think it was a good idea to drink so much? Is Alexis here? Why don’t I remember? Groaning, I pull open my door and step out, my feet come out from under me and I land on a very warm and shocked looking Carter.
“Sorry.” I mumble, scrambling to my feet.
“Don’t worry, I should have gone to bed. I just didn’t want you to be on your own.” he stretches and his t-shirt lifts, revealing his taut, tanned stomach.
I look away.
I really can’t deal with that today.
“I’m sorry about last night, I shouldn’t have acted the way I did.”
I’m so embarrassed, I can’t meet his eyes. I regret everything about last night; drinking, flirting with random guys but most of all, I regret saying the things I did and acting like that with Carter. I need him, more than I think even I realised before now and now, I can’t even look him in the eye.
I’ve ruined everything.
He stands and squats in front of me, his hand comes up and he pulls my face to look at him giving me no chance to escape those brown eyes.
“I don’t care about an apology, Carmen. All I care about, is that you’re okay. Are you okay?”
“I don’t know.”
My breath catches in my throat and I’m crying before I can even stop it. He pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around me and I feel immediately safe and protected and it’s the most welcome feeling in the world.
“Everything is so messed up right now and the one thing that was okay was me and you and now… Now I’ve gone and messed that up too.” I sob into his chest.
“There is nothing wrong with you and me, last night… It was a strange day, there are a lot of emotions running around and I don’t think either of us wanted the night to end like that.”
“I just…”
“You don’t have to explain anything, it’s okay. As long as we’re okay, I’m okay… Are we okay?”
“Yes. We’re okay.”
“Good, will you look at me?”
He steps back and tugs at my chin. His brown eyes are alive again and I lose myself in them for a few seconds before I realise I’m staring.
“Everything is going to get a little crazy, neither of us know what to expect, so we’re going to have to work it out together. You and me. Got that?” he smiles, that all American smile and I can’t help but smile too.
“Got it.” I nod.
“Now, we’re not going to talk about it again. We’re going to have breakfast and we’re going to get the
last few things you need for tomorrow, because whether we want to admit it or not, it’s happening and I want it to be as easy as it possibly can be for you.”
“Thank you, Carter.”
“No need.” he smiles, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.
We sit together eating toast and drinking coffee and it’s like nothing ever happened. Being with Carter is so easy, he doesn’t expect anything and he genuinely wants the best for everyone. I load the dishwasher while he heads into the bathroom for a shower. I make my way into my bedroom and pick up my hastily discarded phone from under my bed, I plug it in to charge and head for the shower. After a good ten minutes under the hot spray, I feel a little more human. The mirror is fogged up when I get out and I run my hand over it a few times until I can see my reflection. Carter is right, whether I want to admit it or not, tomorrow is going to happen.
I need to be strong.
I need to fight and I need the love and support of my family and friends in order to do that. I repeat six little words over and over in my head until I start to truly believe them.
I’m going to beat this thing.
I’m going to beat this thing.
I wasn’t expecting food shopping to be so much fun, but everything with Carter seems to be fun. He’s like a child when put in charge of pushing the trolley; he races it down the aisles when they’re empty, he throws junk food into it and has way too much fun looking, in depth, at all the different lubricants the shop has to offer.
“I had no idea you could buy your cherry flavoured lube when you buy your bread.” he grins, putting the tube back on the shelf while I look for toothpaste.
“They sell all sorts.” I laugh.
“And,” he leans closer to me and whispers. “Vibrating cock rings, seriously? I thought the English were supposed to be prudes?” he raises an eyebrow at me and I laugh.
“Myth.”
“You all sound like the Queen?”
“Again, myth.”
“You all drink lots of tea?”
“We do drink lots of tea, that one is true.”
I select a tube of toothpaste and a new toothbrush and push the trolley down to the shower gel. I’m not sure how long I’ll be in, but I’m going prepared. I throw in my favourite foam burst shower gel and continue to the face wash. Once I’ve got my face wipes and wash, we head to the back of the shop for snacks.