by K. A. Hobbs
“Sure,” he smiles, coming over. “I’ll have my phone, call me if you need me.” he whispers into my ear then kisses my head.
“Harry, leave Henry, please.” Megan tells him.
“Are you okay?” he looks completely lost and so serious, it’s not the usual Harry look at all.
“We’re fine, I promise you.” I tell him, trying to smile.
“I don’t believe you,” she frowns, taking their son from Harry. “But I want to know what’s going on.”
Harry and Carter leave, I can see from the look Harry gives us that he really doesn’t want to leave, but he does anyway. When the door closes Megan looks at me and refuses to look away. I take a deep breath and reach over for the laptop. The stretching causing pain to rip through my stomach and I wince and take a few steadying breaths.
“Carmen, tell me what’s going on. Now.”
She’s crying and getting more and more distraught as we sit there. I put the laptop down and hold her hand, trying to let her know I’m okay.
“We’re going to call Josie, okay?”
“Why? Can’t you just tell me what’s going on?”
“I can’t say it twice, Megs, please, let me phone Josie.”
I pull up the FaceTime app on the laptop and call Josie. The first call goes unanswered, so I try again. This time she picks up. Her beautiful face comes onto the screen and she squeals seeing us both sitting there. Then she must notice the look on Megan’s face and she frowns.
“What’s going on? Why is Megs crying and looking like she’s about to be sick.”
“She won’t tell me, Jose. I’m scared.”
“Won’t tell you what? What’s going on?”
I take a deep breath and then I tell them, I tell them everything; getting the diagnosis in Australia, knowing I had to come back and what I’ve been doing the last week. how Carter told me he would stay with me and not go back home so I have someone to help me. I tell them everything and when I’m finished Megan is holding Henry to her and sobbing and Josie is crying too.
“Why didn’t you tell us? We would have been there, we would have helped.” Megan looks between Josie and me, tears spilling over her cheeks.
“Because you just had a baby sweetheart, and you,” I point at Jose. “Were getting married. I wasn’t about to spoil two of the most important times in your whole life with something that I couldn’t change, it was happening, regardless of whether I told you or not.”
“But we could have been there.” Josie repeats the same words Megan said.
“I know and that’s why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you worrying about me, I didn’t want you spending the first few weeks of married life at the hospital with me, I wanted you to do all those things newlyweds do. And Megs, Henry needs you more than I do. I have Carter.”
“About that,” Josie suddenly looks serious, “You meet him at our wedding and suddenly you’re renting a place together? Living together? And you tell him everything but choose not to tell your friends who have been with you since you were at school? I know you’re fighting this fucking bastard disease but truly? I’m pissed at you right now.”
“That’s okay. I deserve that,” I tell her. “I’d be pissed too.”
“You stopped us being there when you really needed us.” Megan whispers, rocking Henry in her arms. “I’m so sad you went through your surgery and didn’t tell us.”
“I know, I’m sorry but I had to do what was right for me. I’m telling you now, I need you now. Have I lost the right to ask that?”
“No, never.” Josie looks at both of us and I can she’s hurting.
“I love you both, I really do, but I did what I thought I needed to… Mum and Dad weren’t there when I went into surgery either, just Carter.”
“What’s going on with you two?” Josie asks, wiping her eyes. “Are you in love with him?”
“It’s been a couple of weeks.”
“I didn’t ask how long it’s been, I asked if you’re in love with him.” she frowns at me.
“I might be… I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? You’re living together, he’s been there for you when we couldn’t, you better feel something for him Carmen or I really am going to fly back to England and kick your arse.”
“I feel a lot for him, but it’s all muddled and it’s too soon and I don’t have any space in my head to try and process what it is I feel for him right now.”
“You don’t need your head, listen to your heart.” Megan, always the romantic one, smiles at me.
“What does it say?” Josie leans closer to the screen eager to hear my answer.
“It says… He’s incredible and sweet. He’s caring and funny and being with him is as easy as breathing.” I admit.
“Megs, I’d say that sounds like she loves him, wouldn’t you?”
“Yep,” she grins at me, kissing the top of Henry’s head. “Totally in love.”
“Can you two please stop it!” I scowl at them.
“Hey, we’re not done being mad at you yet, Reid.” Josie scowls at me.
“Okay, okay…”
“When does radiotherapy start?” Megan asks.
“I’ve got my first appointment next week, but it’s just to plan everything out.”
“Will you lose your hair?” Josie asks.
“No, I don’t think so, it’s chemo that does that.”
“But…” Megan looks at me and her eyes are overflowing with tears.
“But?”
“You… You can’t have children.”
I look down at Henry asleep in his car seat and blink back tears too. I lost the ability to have children, that choice has been taken away from me, I’ll never be able to carry a child, it hurts, it hurts so much I don’t allow myself to think about it.
“No… Not naturally. But there are other ways, Megs, there are other ways I can become a Mummy.” I say it as much to remind myself as I do to comfort her.
“I’m so sorry, Carmen, I’m so unbelievably sorry.” Megan suddenly cries, leaning over to hug me.
I spend the next few minutes trying to get her to calm down. Megan is the sweet, sensitive one. The one who seems to feel everything so deeply, she is absolutely distraught and it hurts my heart to know I did this to her. When she stops crying, I wipe her eyes with my sleeve and look at Josie who’s crying too.
“I want you to promise me something,” she tells me. “Promise me, you’ll never keep anything from us again.”
“I promise, from now on, I’ll tell you everything.”
We stay chatting for another hour, not about me thankfully. Josie tells us about her honeymoon and how married life seems to suit her and Jack a lot more than she thought it would. She seems so happy and bright eyed, she’s glowing and it’s lovely to see her so happy.
“Where are the boys?” Josie suddenly seems to realise they aren’t with us.
“We sent them out, we should really call them back, Harry has text me ten times since he left.” Megan looks a little sheepish.
“Let him know he can come back.” I tell her.
“I’m going to go,” Josie sighs. “I’m going to go meet Jack at work and get a hug.”
“I’m sorry I had to tell you like this… But I promise from now on, I’ll tell you everything.”
“You better, and Carm? Fight this thing, fight it and get better. We love you, so much.”
“I love you too.” I tell her, she blows us a kiss and the screen goes black.
Ten minutes later, Carter steps through the door closely followed by Harry. Megan stands and rushes over to him and they wrap their arms around each other. She sobs her heart out again and Harry does his best to calm her down. Carter comes over to me and sits down, carefully pulling me to him and hugging me.
“It didn’t go well then?” he whispers in my ear.
“No, it did… They were both understanding, Megs is just… Well…”
“I know, you don’t have to explain it.”
“Did you tell Harry?”
“I had to Carm, he was asking what was going on.”
“It’s okay, everyone knows now. Megs, come sit down, please, it’s okay.”
“It’s not okay, it’s so far from okay.” she hiccups as she walks over with Harry and sits down.
“I’m so sorry Carmen, I don’t really know what to say, other than that.”
His sad eyes meet mine and I can’t help but feel sad. Harry has one of those faces that look a thousand times more sad than anyone else can.
“Thank you, you don’t have to say anything,” I tell him smiling. “But if you can stop your wife crying, I’d really appreciate it.”
“I’m trying to stop, I really am,” she chokes from Harry’s shoulder. “It’s just, they won’t stop.”
“Blame the hormones.” Harry chuckles kissing her temple.
Megan does eventually stop crying and comes over to give me another hug, I’m exhausted and the pain is starting to get bad again. I let them all know I need to go for a lay down but that they’re welcome to stay until I wake up if they want. Harry says they’ll go and come back tomorrow if I’m up to it, which I tell him I will be.
“We’re so proud of you, you’re incredible. I love you so much, I’m so glad you’re here.” Megs whispers as I say goodbye.
“I love you too.” I tell her, squeezing her tight.
“Look after yourself, we’ll see you tomorrow.” Harry kisses my cheek and then they all leave, Henry still fast asleep.
“That was the worst couple of hours ever.” I tell Carter as he helps me back to bed.
“But everyone knows now, you did it. Now you can focus on getting better.”
“Stay with me? I don’t want to be alone.”
“In you get then.”
He pulls the covers back and I lay back in bed. He climbs in next to me after taking off his shoes and I shift over so I can feel his warmth. I drift off to sleep, exhausted and in pain but happier that all the most important people in my life know what’s happening. It’s another hurdle over, each one a little easier than the last.
“Rest, beautiful.” Carter whispers to me.
“Thank you for everything, Carter.” I mumble, right before I fall asleep.
I get daily visits from Megan and Harry for the next few days, I also get daily hugs with Henry which I’m sure are more healing than anything in the whole world. Holding something so precious helps remind me to fight. My relationship with Carter gets closer, both of us practically living in each others pockets. He doesn’t seem bothered that he spends a lot of time inside or that I have zero energy or strength to do anything. We spend a lot of time on the sofa, snuggled under the white fluffy blanket watching True Blood which gets weirder and weirder but I’m still hooked and falling in love with the devilish Eric Northman.
When I’m starting to get cabin fever, Carter suggests we go over to my parents. Dad comes over to pick us up and I spend the afternoon with them while Carter spends the afternoon with his family. I feel incredibly guilty about stealing their time together away from them, but Hilary has insisted, they’ve had him for years, I’m welcome to steal him any time I like.
I’m sitting in the lounge with Dad watching TV, he’s reading the paper, looking up every now and again to make sure I’m okay. When an advert comes on and I mute the TV yawning, he puts his paper down and looks at me.
“When you were a little girl, you would sit in my lap and fall asleep. You would tell me you weren’t tired, but two minutes later you’d be snoring.” he smiles.
“You were, are, always so warm and safe. I’m too big to climb into your lap now even though, I want to more than anything, Dad.” I whisper suddenly feeling sad.
“Nonsense, you will always be my little girl, if you want to crawl into my lap, you do it.”
I look at him and he holds his arms out to me. I don’t hesitate, the little girl in me urges me up and into my his lap. I sit down and he brings his arms around me and I snuggle into his embrace and sob. I sob so hard my muscles hurt, everything hurts lately.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I want to take this away, I want to make you better and I can’t. If I could go through this for you I would.” his voice breaks and I feel his tears fall onto my skin.
We sit there, holding on to each other, hurting until I fall asleep. I’m woken up some time later as Mum drapes a blanket over us and kisses my head. I keep my eyes closed and listen to them talk.
“Is she okay?” Mum asks.
“Not right now,” Dad tells her, holding me tighter. “But she will be.”
I wake up with the desperate urge to pee, but I’m so warm, so cosy, I don’t want to move. In my sleepy state, I snuggle closer to the warm body currently pressed up against me. I wrap my arm around her waist and snuggle myself into her a little more, it’s only then the sleep fog clears and I realise the person is Carmen and I’m now prodding her in the ass with my morning erection.
Shit.
“Morning Carter.” she chuckles.
“Ugh. Morning, you… okay?” I ask, everything going tense.
“I’m okay… You’re… Wide awake this morning.”
“Sorry about that,” I peel myself off of her and roll over. “Not really in my control first thing in the morning.”
“Are you blushing?” she teases me, rolling over to look at me.
“I might be. It’s a little embarrassing.”
“I guess it is for you… I’m flattered.” she grins at me.
“You’re teasing me?” I ask amused.
“Am I?” she fawns innocence.
“Yes.”
“Sorry about that, I just… I just find it amusing I guess.”
“Okay, enough talking about it, I’m going to go to the bathroom, could you, you know, not look while I do the walk of shame?”
She closes her eyes and turns her head in the opposite direction. I get up and start walking towards the bedroom door when she speaks.
“Walk of shame? Not going by what I felt.” she whispers, making me both grin, and blush further.
I choose not to say anything.
But I do walk away with a spring in my step.
When I’m a little more…. together, I head back into her bedroom to see she’s managed to get herself into the bathroom. I hear the flushing of the loo and water running. While I wait, I straighten the bed covers and sit down on the bed, when she emerges, I can’t help but grin.
“What?” she frowns.
“Those pyjamas.”
“What about them?” she looks down at herself.
“They suit you, I could get used to seeing you in Bears stuff.”
“Can you please help me get a change of clothes? I’ve had a quick wash, I can’t face a shower today.”
“Sure thing.”
The next ten minutes I help her get dressed and ready for the day. Mom, Dad and Lex are due to fly back home tomorrow so tonight, we’re all getting together. I’ve asked Harry and Megan to come over with Henry and Carmen asked her parents. She’s always happier when there are people around, I think it gives her something to focus on. We head into the kitchen and Carmen puts in a request of eggs and bacon for breakfast, one I’m only too happy to make happen.
“What time is everyone coming over?” she asks as she sips on her coffee.
“Late afternoon, they’re all bringing something to eat, they will not listen to me when I tell them I can cook.”
“Let them, Carter. You’re doing way too much, you need a break.”
“I’m fine,” I smile at her. “It’s fine, really it is.”
“I’m sure it is, but it must be tiring. I appreciate it Carter, like a lot.”
“I know you do.”
We sit and have breakfast together and when she’s finished, she looks tired again. I quickly load the dishwasher and settle on the sofa with her to watch the next few episodes of True Blood.
“I really don’t like Russell.” she frowns.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to, Carm.” I laugh.
“I know but… He creeps me out.”
“Again, I think he’s supposed to.”
“How did you not watch this when you were in Chicago?”
“I didn’t really watch anything other than football.”
“Really? You’re one of those guys.” she rolls her eyes at me.
“No, I’m not ‘one of those guys’ I just like football. It’s not like I don’t go out on a Sunday or something.”
“Okay, shush now.”
“Got it.” I grin.
Three episodes later, she’s fast asleep and I’m starving. I make a sandwich and sit in the kitchen on my laptop. My phone lights up with a text message from Josie.
Josie: How is she?
Me: Better today. Brighter. You both okay? Are you feeling better?
Josie: Still sick, I’m fine though. Will you tell her I love her and I’ll try and FaceTime her later?
Me: Of course. Say hi to Jack for me
“Hey, Mom.” I smile as she comes in and demands a hug.
“You look happy, baby boy. Are you happy?”
“Yeah, life is… If I say good it doesn’t seem right.” I frown.
“I get what you mean.” she smiles, releasing me and heading over to see Carmen.
I watch the two of them, Mom gives her a hug that she returns and they both sit and chat for a few minutes. I know they speak on the phone and I know Mom has helped Carmen since she’s been ill, but I didn’t realise how close they’ve become.
“You okay?” Lex asks, coming to stand beside me.
“Yeah, you?”
“I’m not looking forward to going home and leaving you both, you know.”
“We’ll be fine, Lex.” I laugh.
“I know you will, but do you realise, this is the furthest away you’ve ever been from me?”
“Yeah, I know. But when Carmen is better, I’ll bring her to Chicago and you can come visit.” I tell her.
“Is this it then? This is home now?” she asks a little sadly.