Ok, if I concentrated hard enough I could keep my cheeks closed and the air in. The pressure was too much. It just needed to level off a bit. I released just the tiniest bit of air. It didn’t even make any noise.
Wanda hadn’t stopped what she was doing either and I felt myself getting closer. Since the last one didn’t make noise, maybe that meant it was odorless too. If it had smelled as bad as it felt, there would be no way in hell that Wanda would have stayed on task under the covers. My pelvis titled forward lifting my cheeks enough to let a little longer one out this time. Again Wanda continued as a woman on a mission.
The stabbing pains returned in my abdomen and I couldn’t hold it any longer. I knew it was bad when I felt Wanda starting to gag on my cock. When she frantically whipped the covers out of the way to escape, I got a whiff of the most horrific smell ever.
“What the hell is wrong with you Bill?” Wanda scolded.
“It was an accident.”
“That’s what I thought with the first one. Then you did it again and again.”
“I couldn’t help it. The mix of tacos and cheap beer got to me babe.”
“Well you could’ve tapped me or something to warn me to get out of the way. I was inches from it, your asshole.”
When I woke in the morning, Wanda still laid asleep beside me. Guess I’d be making my own coffee and breakfast today before my trip. As I left the house, I prayed that things would be cooled down by the time I got back.
Chapter 5- Bill
“Wait. You gave Wanda a dutch oven?” Charlie exclaimed.
“It wasn’t like I did it on purpose.” I explained. “Now I get the silent treatment.”
“Look brother, you’re going to be lucky if she wants to have sex with you again. It’s like an unspoken rule. You don’t let one out while you’re getting your knob polished.” Ted said.
“I know. I know I screwed up, but I don’t know what to do. I need to do something special for her.”
“I read in a magazine that women care more and more about the appearance of the spouse as they get older.”
“There’s not a whole lot I can do about things now. What do you suggest?”
“The first thing we need to do is spruce you up a bit.”
“What do you mean by spruce?"
“Look dude, I’m a firm believer in keeping it groomed all over. No woman wants to have to dig through the bush to find your dick or if you’re lucky enough to get her sweet lips wrapped around it, I promise you she doesn’t want to pick your hair out of her teeth” Ted said.
“I’d work on getting that pelt removed from your back. It’s pretty bad. Wanda can’t love it. Even I hate blocking you when we play basketball because I don’t want to touch it.”
“I've heard it's hit or miss, brah. I've tried shaving, that's a bitch when it starts to grow back. Trimming also sucks if you nick yourself. Walmart makes one of those for you to do your own back.”
“You know what, I know how ridiculous all of this sounds to you guys. I’m not like you. After all these years, I still don’t know how in the hell I won the jackpot when I married Wanda. All I know is that I’m not ready for it to be over.”
"When would I have time to do any of this it sounds like it would take a while.”.
“You can make time today, the meeting this afternoon doesn’t require all of us to be there.”
“Sorry for wasting your time.”
“Hold on a sec."
“Do you know what it’s like knowing that if you don’t do things right you could kiss everything you worked so hard to have goodbye?”
“No, I don’t. Didn’t plan to either. Anything my wife wants my wife gets. Happy wife, happy life.”
“Okay, let’s do this.”
“That’s my man. You won’t regret it.”
We left the restaurant and flagged down a taxi and made our way into the city.
***
Alright, how hard could it really be? I shaved my face every day for the last two decades.
“Welcome to Lotus Spa. How may I help you?”
“Yeah. I need to get waxed.”
“Well you need to know what you want. Do you want to do a BSC?”
“A BSC?” I asked confused.
Tom patted me on the back, “Yeah your back, sack and crack- that covers all of the bases.”
The back was one thing, but all those other areas? Wouldn’t they be too sensitive?
“Does it hurt?” I needed to know.
“Fuck yeah, it hurt the first time. Then I got used to it. Now I have a woody the entire time. “
“Um, I’m not looking for that kind of spa treatment.”
“It makes it a lot easier to get it done, it’s not like they’re there to take it for a ride. They’re professionals.”
“Okay, the BSC it is.”
I signed my name on the sheet of paper, then handed the clipboard back to the woman.
“Alright, follow me.” She said and I obeyed.
She brought me back to a private room about the size of my closet.
“Okay, I need you to remove everything, then sit on the table. I’ll be back in a minute.” She handed me a small towel about the size of a tea towel to cover myself with. I barely had five minutes to wrap my head around what I was doing here.
When she came back in, I sat proudly on the edge of the table with my junk covered with a dish rag.
“Lie down on your stomach and we’ll start with your back.” I laid down and turned my head to the side. I watched her move around the room, then she put on a pair of gloves and move out of sight.
“I’m putting this powder on first to stop the wax from sticking to the skin.”
A minute later I felt sticky like, warm bubble gum spread over my back with one of those tongue depressors from the doctor's office. She smoothed the warm liquid over my skin several times, then held the skin tautly and pulled.
Gee, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I can do this. She repeated the process several times until the entire back was hair free. I needed to remember to give her a big tip when this was done. She showed me each piece of hair covered cloth until my back was smooth and hair free. We used so much wax on my back, she needed to get more supplies. She left the room for a moment, then was soon back with more heated wax.
When she moved lower down to the crack of my ass, OH GOD. I expected it to feel slightly different. Let me tell you my muscles immediately tensed up after the first swipe of wax coated the area.
“Sir, I need you to relax.”
That’s easy for you to say I thought as I laid with my ass spread wide open on display. I worked to calm myself down. Next thing I know- rip. I screamed. She tried to show me the paper and I was uninterested. I swear there was flesh left on the paper. It scared me to look.
There was no turning back now. I prayed that this would go quickly. It didn’t. The next two swipes of wax and the yanking on my ass had me in tears. Tears, I tell you. I had a high tolerance to pain. The only thing painful enough I could compare ass waxing to would be childbirth. In fact, I tried to use the same skills we learned in Lamaze. The deep breathing in and out didn’t work. It did cause me to feel severely light headed. I thanked god when she finished. Already determined to save my sac from the same torture.
“Ok. Hold still I need to get the tweezers.”
What the fuck?
Yes, she proceeded to take tweezers to pull any remaining hairs in crack valley that didn’t pull off with the wax.
“I'm done!” I tapped on the table letting her know I meant it.
When she left the room, I never dressed so fast in all of my life. I needed to get the hell out of there asap.
“Was it that bad? I can’t believe you screamed.”
“I can tell you that was my first and last visit for waxing. I stopped after back and crack.”
“Okay. Well what about?”
“I don’t care. I’ll
pay for the entire thing. Doesn’t matter. I just want out of here. I think I can handle the rest of the redo myself.”
“Well, since I’m here I may as well get myself done.”
“Be my guest. See you back at the hotel.”
When I left through the glass doors I saw the neon sign of a pharmacy across the street. Now why didn’t I think of this sooner?
I slipped into the shaving aisle and searched. My eyes stopped when I saw what I was looking for depilatory cream. I’ve seen this stuff in Wanda’s bathroom cabinet where she kept an ample supply of all things beauty.
Still feeling the discomfort in my back, I knew this is what I needed to do. I mean there would be no hot concoction dripped over my junk, let alone the ripping of hair and skin when it came time to pull the wax off. This would be easy and then I’d be ready on my way back to the hotel.
I skimmed over the back of the bottle, more or less looking at the pictures. Got it rub on the skin then rinse the hair off with water. No muss no fuss, how hard can it be?
The evening started with room service. I planned to finish all of this grooming before I got home.
In the bathroom I smoothed the lotion over my chest, getting the patch of hair on my chest. Within two minutes, I noted the wilted look of the hair and knew this was going to be simple. I slid my underwear down and stared at my reflection. I rubbed the cool mixture over my dark pubic hairs until there was nothing but a sea of white. Then using the same procedure, applied a good amount on my sack and at the base of my cock. Another few minutes, then I will be hair free.
I spoke too soon. Suddenly I felt like that scene in Terminator when the metal is dissolved off of him by the acid. I looked down expecting to see a pile of flesh at my feet. Oh my fucking God it hurts.
I hopped around the bathroom not knowing what I was going to do.
What the fuck? I’m an engineer. Why the hell would I put harsh chemicals on my scrotum?
I knew how unbearable hell was. Because all of the blazes of that depth now burned my balls. I jumped into the shower, turning on cold water wanting to ease the pain.
I stood in the shower spray and rubbed my soapy hands over my chest to get rid of that mess as well. My mind wasn’t fully equipped to think about what I was doing. As I pressed the water, chemical mixture ran down my chest and water ran down my nether regions. I started to feel another intense burning. This one on the tip of my penis.
This shit needed to stop right where it was and not go any further. The only thing I could figure out to do was to pee. If I managed to pee hard enough, I could flush it out; make the pain stop.
With the cold water still running over me, I forced a small stream out.
Mother…I screamed loudly. Everything was on fire. I stepped out of the shower and waddled around trying to let my balls air out. I gritted my teeth as I took a look in the mirror to assess the damage.
Okay enough of this. I need to see a professional.
I grabbed my iPhone and pressed the button to call Siri.
“Depilatory cream.”
“Here’s what I found.”
I look down to see an article from Wikipedia defining what the chemical is along with uses. Ok, let’s try this again.
“Nair on balls.” I say slowly.
"Did you ask for Aaron Balls?” Siri replies.
Oh my fuckin god. At this point, I started to cry. The pain and burning was too much.
All I wanted was a hair free pubic region and smooth balls.
"Nair on scrotum." I say.
“Here’s what I found on the web for Mayor on scrotum”
Ok, I gave it one last try. “Nair on Scrotum”
I hit the jackpot. Siri responded with a list of questions that other men wanted to know as well. I saw the words permanent damage, chemical burn, seek emergency medical assistance.
God, how the hell was I going to put clothes on, let alone go to the Emergency Room and tell one of the nurses what I did?
And how was I going to drive there? Right about then, I felt my vision starting to blur. I called the front desk and asked for a taxi.
“Where are you headed, sir?”
“Mercy Medical, please.”
***
It was shocking, she was supposed to be a professional and I heard her laughing, loudly. I look over at the table next to the bed. My phone is flashing Wanda’s picture. I can’t really take a chance of talking to her now and someone coming in. I can never tell her what I did. She’d never let me live this down. What kind of man am I anyway? I click ignore and send her call to voicemail.
She called two more times and I did the same thing, sending her to leave a message. She didn’t. I knew there would be hell to pay later, but assumed I could play it off as having late meetings or dinner with clients.
The doctor took my member in hand and it looked like some type of reptilian scales or a really bad STD.
Superficial 2nd degree chemical burns. That was the diagnosis. He gave me a low dose steroid and a powder to apply to help with the chaffing. He gave me an antibiotic also just to cover all bases, along with a scornful warning not to use it for at least the next two weeks to give it time to heal.
I stared dumbstruck at my pimple covered peeling penis and balls. How the hell was I going to go two weeks without Wanda finding out?"
Chapter 6- Wanda
I checked my phone again. No texts or missed calls. What an asshole! That was so unlike him to ignore all of my calls. Not that I’m a needy wife, but we always checked in with one another in the evening. If something came up that stopped one of us from taking the call, we always sent a text.
I felt guilty, maybe getting mad about the gassy blow job was too much for an already delicate situation.
I told myself there was nothing to worry about and Bill would be home in a couple of days. Then he wouldn’t travel for another three weeks. That would give us some much needed time together.
To my surprise, Bill wasn’t coming home. He came home basically long enough to tell me he was traveling again for the next two weeks.
“But Bill honey, you promised me you were going to start being home more.”
“I know. I know. It’s just another two weeks and I’ll be home. Besides, we can use the money.”
My husband hadn’t realized that I knew him well enough to know when he told me a bold face lie. I spent the last twenty years with him and perfected my bullshit detector. Let me tell you, the kids came up with some good ones over the years. Even if I didn’t suspect the lie, the fact that he wore a full set of pajamas around was enough to alarm me. I needed to know what my husband was hiding and why.
Part of my skills included spying 101. Some considered it an invasion of privacy. Not where my kids were concerned. When they lived at home, it was my job to stand watch and keep them out of harms way.
I started with our bank account and credit cards. Nothing unusual jumped out when I balanced our checkbook and personal accounts. Then it hit me. What about the credit card Bill used for work? I had the information for it, as I paid the bill for him several times when he wasn’t able to.
I logged in waiting for the page to open. My heart thudded when I clicked the tab for recent transactions. In bold letters were the letters S-P-A. He paid $200. $200 fucking dollars to the Lotus Spa.
I didn’t have to imagine what kind of services he received for such a hefty fee.
My heart fell into the pit of my stomach. Was this the reason he was in a hurry to go out of town again? I perused the rest of the charges for the last two months. Nothing odd popped up.
I did the unthinkable. I looked in his bag. Normally Bill would take his dirty clothes and place them in the laundry room or ask me to take something to the dry cleaner. He hadn’t done this. Which heightened my suspicions. I rooted around through the stacks of clothes and came up empty. Then I noticed his shoes. Bill never placed his shoes in the same bag as his clothes. I slipped my hand
inside the left shoe and came up empty. In the right, however I found a bottle of pills.
Bill had been to see a physician on this trip as well. I read Bactrim on the bottle. What the hell was going on? If he was sick why didn’t he say something? I put the bottle back in the shoe and put the bag back where I found it.
I went into the bathroom and pulled open the app on my phone. I searched for the drug and the first thing I saw in bold from WebMD said was that physicians prescribe this drug to treat certain types of sexually transmitted diseases. Oh my God! How could he betray me like this?
I turned out the light and slid into bed.
“Goodnight sweetheart.” I said.
“Goodnight honey.” He replied.
I slid my hand over to touch his cock. Something he always enjoyed. He jumped.
“Come on honey. I’m tired. Let’s just get some sleep. I have to be back on the road Sunday night.”
There was only one reason for him to react like this. I turned away not wanting to let on that I knew.
What was I going to do? I felt so helpless as my life spun out of control right before my eyes.
***
I met up with Ruby and a couple of our other friends for Wine Wednesday. Another welcomed change since our home became an empty nest.
“I still can’t believe he farted while you had him in your mouth. He should consider himself lucky that you didn’t bite him for doing that.” Melissa said.
An uncontrolled giggle erupted out of me, and the ladies joined in. Before I knew it I was sobbing.
“Oh honey what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. Have you ever gone through life thinking you knew something as fact, then something happened to make you doubt everything?”
“Tell me what you’re talking about.”
I was scared to say it aloud but these were my friends. If I could tell anyone what was happening it was them.
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