by Alan Keslian
We drove through vineyards in hilly terrain for an hour, staying with the motorway which took us up towards the Pyrenees until we turned off near the town of Carcassonne to climb into the mountains. As we followed the directions given to me earlier, the territory looked increasingly unpopulated and remote, until suddenly the imposing facade of the Grand Hotel appeared as we swung round a steep bend, the road continuing up to Luzenac to the right. To the left of the hotel an energetic river rushed down a narrow gorge.
The doctor was mainly concerned that we should not try to persuade Andrew to travel back with us. She said that his last seizure had been severe, causing paralysis on his left side, and that although out of hospital he was still in need of special care. In time he might improve sufficiently to return to London, but given his age we should not expect too much. The best thing for the present was for him to stay where he was; they understood his medical needs and were able to call in specialists if they were needed.
At last we were shown into the salon, a large communal sitting room on the first floor, where Andrew was waiting for us. He sat in a wheel chair and looked terribly thin and fragile. A broad smile reassured us that the illness had not left him dispirited. He put out his hands towards us in greeting. ‘You all look so well! How good to see you!’
We went over to him, touched his hands, and kissed him very gently on his cheeks. Tom rather clumsily asked, ‘How are you Andrew?’
‘How am I?’ He paused, shook his head, and said, ‘I’m like an old wreck held together by lengths of thin twine. Not beaten yet though. How was the drive up here?’
He told us to help ourselves to soft drinks from a sideboard. Behind the hotel, in the extensive gardens, the river had been dammed and diverted to form pools for bathing. ‘After we’ve had our drinks perhaps we could take a walk,’ he suggested, ‘if you don’t mind pushing my chair. The native flora is interesting, you probably saw something of it from the car, and of course there is the river. The water has a high mineral content and is supposed to contain a special type of algae that cures skin diseases. Nothing that will do me any good, unfortunately. Having the conservatory and the gardens to sit in is the great benefit of this place for me.’
We showed him photographs from the party, and he asked us about his staff and friends from the Beckford Arms. We said nothing of Jamie or about me being mugged, and noticing that we avoided mentioning any problems he said doubtfully, ‘Wonderful how smoothly everything runs when I’m not there.’
‘There’s nothing that’s worth worrying you about, really. They miss you at the garden centre, naturally, but they’ve got used to me and my naivety about horticulture. They didn’t have much option. The garden centre manager was a bit resentful of my interference at first, but we’re friends now.’
After we had talked for perhaps an hour we all went outside for some air. I wheeled Andrew to the lift, through the conservatory, down a ramp and into the gardens. Tom and Darren went off to look at a tributary stream that tumbled over rocks down a gully under the road, leaving Andrew and me on the broad central path. ‘Sit down here for a while,’ he said as we approached a bench. ‘Let’s talk now we have a few minutes to ourselves.’
The gardens were quiet and deserted. ‘Do they still use these pools?’
‘Yes, they have two or three sessions a week when little groups come to immerse themselves in the water. You must tell me honestly now, how do you feel about the hotel? Are you sorry you left your career in the City?’
‘No, I never belonged there. If the hotel had not provided a way out, something else would. The only question was when and how.’
‘And you and Tom?’
‘We’re fine. We know the worst about each other now, and we’ve never been better.’
‘The relationship has survived, then, despite everything, you’re still a couple. Not having known that kind of closeness to someone is one of the things in life I regret. That and not having children maybe.’ He spoke softly, his eyes sharp and clear under his fine white hair.
‘You would have made a terrific father.’
‘Families are just the result of basic animal instinct, aren’t they, dressed up as some kind of morally sound purpose in life? Of all the family groups you’ve encountered, how many would you volunteer to join, assuming that you could? Not many, I’m sure. Better like this, with friends with whom you have things in common, not stuck with people you don’t get on with because you happen to be related. Tom was always so sure you were exactly what he wanted. I’m enormously glad that you’re together again.’
‘And he’s what I want. Our being so different is part of the attraction. Our personalities complement one another.’
‘Good. That’s how it should be.’
‘You must have felt drawn to him, to have helped him when he came out of prison.’
‘There’s a sort of honesty about Tom, despite the car thefts. He’s practical, suspicious of things that seem too clever or too good to be true. He sees the quality of the joinery when we’re admiring our own reflections in the gloss paint.’
‘Yes. Doesn’t stop him picking up other men from time to time though, does it?’
‘Does that make you unhappy?’
‘No. It’s part of his nature. I don’t think about it. Actually I am a bit worried about Darren. You know he’s split up with Cheung. Last night he picked up the waiter in the hotel. I’m not saying he shouldn’t have, but… ’
‘Difficult time for him, you’re right. Not sure what you or I can do about it though.’
‘He might listen to you.’
‘But what is there I can say? He’s grown up so much since I last saw him, not that many months ago, but he has grown up. It may have been selfish of me to get you to bring him here. This isn’t a place for someone of his age. I wanted to see him, once more. If you and Tom were able to come again that would be nice, but maybe choose a date when he’s otherwise engaged, sitting his exams or something.’
‘Of course we’ll come. What’s it like for you here? Can you talk to anyone?’
‘Oh I have a phrase book, and quite a few of the people speak some English, one or two are very good. We get by. I watch the gardeners from the conservatory and exchange the occasional word with them. There’s even a male nurse who flirts with me a little, at least, that’s what I like to think he’s doing. In one way my luck has held out, the holiday insurance is paying for all this. Everything I need is here. Take my advice, if your going to be ill, come to France. I’ve been lucky in life really – yes it would’ve been nice to see through another expansion of the business, but you have to let go at some stage. Remembering all the good people I’ve worked with at the garden centre and Ferns and Foliage gives me a lot of satisfaction, and for the future you and Tom will be there to steady things and keep the businesses running properly.’ He looked away from me, back towards the conservatory. ‘You know what I tell my fellow patients here when they brag about their relatives? I tell them I have good people in London to take over from me, that’s what I say to them.’
We talked about his travels until Darren and Tom joined us, when all four of us set off again down the path, Tom pushing Andrew this time, while Darren and I hung back to let them talk privately. At the end of the garden Tom and Andrew stopped to wait for us; when we caught up Darren produced his camera and had us pose for photographs, balancing it on a rock and using the time delay to take one with himself standing behind Andrew, and Tom and me at either side of his chair.
We took a more winding path back, and by the time we were approaching the conservatory Andrew was beginning to look tired. We passed a round pond with a raised stone edge where golden carp swam among water lilies. ‘This is one of the places I like to sit during the afternoons, here or in the conservatory, depending on the weather. There’s a little patch of waste ground over there covered in wild flowers that I’d like to show Darren, if you wouldn’t mind waiting for us for a few minutes in the salon on the first floor.’
Tom and I went to the window at the other end of the room and looked out over the roof of the conservatory. Darren was wheeling Andrew back from the patch of wild flowers, and they stopped near the pond. He positioned Andrew’s chair so that when he sat on the stone edge they faced each other. They talked, unaware of us looking down on them. Tom put an arm across my shoulders and pulled me closer. In the garden below us Andrew was saying goodbye to his protégé for the last time.
From the same author on Feedbooks
Closer Than Breathing - A Light Gay Odyssey (2010) “Closer Than Breathing” is a full length novel which, among the characters, includes gay men and lesbians leading busy lives. It tells the story of Ben, a young gay man new to the metropolis, who is confronted by a series of odd, eccentric people, including drug dealers, goths, psychics, veteran author Loyd Larcher and ageing rock musicians Rick Schwagger and Heath Prityards. Ben survives the dangers of the world of sex, drugs and rock and roll, engaging all comers with goodwill and good humour.
Making use of opportunities along the way to achieve success, he ghost writes a rock star’s autobiography, and finds true love with a level headed and down to earth boyfriend. Together they deal with life’s distractions, enticements and challenges. Whilst the ‘straight’ world around them becomes ever more weird and out of control, the couple are determined to be true to themselves and each other.
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Gay City (2010) In this futuristic short story, a gay refugee is persuaded to return to the country he fled on a diplomatic mission, where he encounters a man astoundingly similar to his earlier partner.
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A Breathless Story (2011) A teenage guy goes to a charity bike ride in the hope of catching site of his sports hero. The event turns out to be a lot tougher than he expected, but also proves worth the effort.
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A Gay Humanist Manifesto (2011) This non-fiction booklet gives a gay perspective on humanist beliefs. It discusses subjects such as monogamy and promiscuity, and counters the rejection of same sex attraction on moral and religious grounds. Touching on scientific and social arguments, it takes only an hour or two to argue for a positive outlook on the place of lesbians and gay men in the modern world.
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