A Life That Fits

by Heather Wardell

  "Yes, you were," I said, but it wasn't satisfying since he'd already admitted it.

  He rubbed his forehead and the familiar gesture made my throat tighten. I had missed him. I so hadn't wanted to, but now that he was here I knew that I must have. Why else would it be so hard to see him?

  "I'm sorry. I started feeling like maybe we'd made a mistake being together so long. And then I met Kelly and she was so different and--"

  "You told me that before you left." I was trying hard to hold onto my anger at him, the anger I knew was justified, but it was so difficult in the face of what seemed like a sincere apology.

  "I shouldn't have. You didn't do anything wrong. You're great and you always were. I screwed up."

  We stood in silence for a long moment, then I said, "So why are you here?"

  "Just for that. To tell you I screwed up and I'm sorry. And I miss you."

  Before I could say anything else, he turned and walked away.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Needless to say, I had an awful weekend. I'd been enjoying my life so much without Alex, but now I wondered if everything I'd gained was worth not having him. Did I want him? Would he take me back if I did? I didn't know, and I couldn't stop thinking it through.

  We didn't usually have orchestra practice on the weekend, but David had had to cancel the upcoming Tuesday's rehearsal so he'd arranged an extra one on Sunday afternoon. I thought it might be a good distraction for me, but instead I made more mistakes than I had in all the previous rehearsals combined.

  George was at first amused, then annoyed, then worried. After rehearsal he insisted on taking me for coffee, and I eventually admitted my mind hadn't exactly been on the music. I told him why, and he was outraged that Alex had, in his words, "marched up and expected you to fling open your legs."

  "Classy."

  He shrugged. "Hey, that's how it looks. He's obviously playing you."

  "But he left. He didn't even give me a chance to say anything."

  "He will," George said. "I'm positive. He was just testing the waters. He'll be back."

  "Well, I won't take him back."

  George's silence spoke volumes.

  "I won't!"

  He hugged me. "I hope not. You deserve better than Alex."

  Whether or not I deserved better, I wanted to find better. I didn't want to let myself slide back into the old groove of a relationship with Alex. If I chose to go back, which I was not planning to do, it had to be my choice and an actual decision not just a default.

  Still, I spent the rest of the day, and night, wondering where he was and what he was doing, and I was actually relieved to go back to work on Monday.

  If only it hadn't been quite so early. I usually got in a bit before nine, but Loren and I had agreed to meet at seven-thirty so we could use the resources in the company library before the other departments came in and took over all the space.

  When I arrived, though, he was nowhere to be seen. I waited ten minutes or so, then went stomping down to my early-bird boss's office to see if she knew where to find my slacker coworker.

  She was on the phone when I arrived. I started to back out but she shook her head and held up a finger so I stayed put as she said, "Got it. Yes, she's here now and I'll tell her. I hope you find him soon. Keep in touch when you can, okay?"

  She hung up and turned her attention to me, no hint of her usual amused attitude visible. "Have a seat."

  I did, nervous.

  "That was Loren. His dad's missing. You know about him, I assume?"

  When I shook my head, she said, "He's got Alzheimer's. Fairly advanced, from the sound of it. Loren has a new caretaker for him during the day, and she turned her back for just a second, or so she says, while Loren was in the shower, and his dad walked out of the house."

  Trying to get my head around this, I said, "He takes care of his dad on his own?"

  She nodded. "Well, with the caretakers, obviously, so he can come to work. His mom passed away a while back. Loren visits him at lunch, and spends his evenings with him, so they can stay connected for as long as his dad can recognize him."

  My throat tightened. And I'd been begrudging him leaving work right on time. "Geez, Dana, the poor guy. Does he have any idea where his dad went?"

  She shook her head. "But they live by Sunnybrook Park and he loves it there, so..."

  She grimaced and didn't finish. She didn't need to, though; I'd spent hours at Sunnybrook as a kid and my mind had filled with images of the thick woods and boulders and the river that ran through the middle of the park. A disoriented older man stumbling through all that... it didn't bear imagining. "Is there anything I can do?"

  She shrugged helplessly. "I don't know what. I offered too, but he says the police are watching for him but since he's not completely out of touch with reality they can't begin a full search for twenty-four hours. It's a shame. With missing kids they search immediately but for adults you have to wait. It could be too late."

  A memory prickled at the back of my mind. "I saw something somewhere..."

  "Okay..."

  "About missing adults. A way to find them...." It came back. The day I went to get my clarinet. "I was on the subway and saw an ad. There's a group in Toronto that helps with that."

  She spun her laptop around on the desk. "Search for it. It can't hurt."

  A few search terms later, I had the AdultAlert group's website on the screen.

  "Good girl. Let me call Loren."

  She quickly gave him the information. "Don't thank me," she said after a brief pause. "Andrea thought of it." After another pause she said, "Will do. Good luck," and hung up, and I wasn't surprised when she said, "He wants me to thank you."

  While she'd been on the phone I'd been thinking, and now I said, "I know that park really well. Would it be okay with you if I went over there and tried to find his dad? I'll make up the work time later."

  Her eyes softened. "Not only would it be okay, I think it's a great idea. Loren's afraid to leave home in case his father comes back confused, but he was trying to gear himself up for it. Send him a text so he knows he doesn't have to, okay?"

  I nodded and pushed my chair back, and was halfway to her door when she said, "Oh, and Andrea?"

  I turned back.

  "When you've found him, you'll both take the rest of the day off. With pay, of course. And don't even think about making up the time."

  "Why?"

  She smiled. "Because Loren has had a hell of a morning, and because you've been trying so hard to make yourself a great part of the team, and because you've both worked tons of overtime the last little while. You deserve it."

  *****

  On my way to the park I sent Loren a text message to let him know I was going to search. He wrote back immediately.

  Thank you. He's tall, skinny, white hair. Blue plaid shirt, jeans, running shoes. His name's Martin. Thanks for the phone #. They gave good advice.

  I responded, saying I was glad the hotline had helped and assuring him I'd keep in touch, then left the streetcar at Leslie Street and walked the short distance to the park entrance. I'd start at one end and check everything I passed along the way.

  My progress was achingly slow, since I left the path over and over to look behind trees and inspect the river, and having to stop every few minutes to answer another of Loren's hopeful text messages didn't help. I considered telling him he didn't need to bother, since of course I'd tell him right away if I found his dad, but I figured he needed to send the messages, to at least be doing something. I couldn't imagine how helpless he must feel.

  After walking for what seemed like forever, I saw something on the grass near a tree. A running shoe, a man's by the size, lay on its side as if it had been tossed or kicked off.

  No guarantee it was Martin's, but it could be, so I backed up about a hundred meters or so then moved forward again, searching even more intently than I had before. The trees by the water were so leafy it was hard to see the riverbed, but I did
my best.

  When I'd gone about a hundred meters past the shoe, I sank onto a huge rock by the water and sighed. What if I didn't find him? How would I face Loren?

  I took a deep breath, letting the gurgling sound of the river calm me, then just for completeness looked in both directions along the river before getting to my feet.

  Down, nothing.

  Up...

  Excitement pounded through me. Someone sat, feet in the water, on a rock a little upstream. The riverbed jutted out there, shielded from above by trees that prevented me noticing the person as I passed.

  I squinted but couldn't see the person clearly, so I picked my way along the river's edge, afraid to climb back up to the path and then not be able to figure out where to go. When I'd closed half the difference between us, I knew it was a man, and his plaid shirt and rolled-up jeans suggested I'd found Martin.

  He had his head down, too intent on the water to even notice my stumbling arrival, and I didn't want to scare him, so I took a few more steps then stopped and cleared my throat.

  He looked up. Definitely old enough to be Loren's dad, but his eyes were a basic blue instead of Loren's gorgeous aquamarine. Maybe Loren had his mother's eyes. "Hello there, dear."

  "Hi. Enjoying the water?"

  He nodded. "Want to come see?"

  He didn't seem remotely surprised to see me, or bothered to be talking to a stranger, which strengthened my belief this was Martin. "Sure. Just let me send a quick message first."

  I held up my phone and snapped a picture of the man. The phone's shutter sound made me jump but he'd gone back to staring at the water and didn't react. I sent the picture as a message to Loren after tagging it with my phone's GPS. If it was his dad, he'd come find us. If not, he'd let me know and I'd somehow extricate myself from hanging out with a stranger.

  I slipped the phone into my pocket and approached the man. "I'm Andrea. What's your name?"

  "They're back!"

  I blinked. "Who are?"

  He looked up and waved me over impatiently. "You have to see. Don't step in the water, you'll scare them."

  I made my way to his side, and peered down to see tiny silvery fish darting around in the water near his bare feet. "Fish?"

  "What did you expect, a llama?"

  I laughed, and he looked up and smiled at me then returned his attention to the water.

  "Aren't you afraid they'll bite?"

  He shook his head. "They're just swimming around me. Put your foot in and see."

  In the water full of fish poop and who knew what else? "No, that's okay."

  He sighed but didn't say anything.

  Such an easy thing to reverse and it would make him happy. "Actually, you know what? I think I will."

  I shucked off my teal suede flats and set them on the grass so they wouldn't disappear into the river, then sat next to him and lowered my feet into the water. The fish scattered, then returned and danced around our feet.

  "See? They don't bite."

  "You were right. And the water feels great." My shoes were still a touch too tight even though I wore them a lot and my feet loved the cool touch of the water and the smooth stones of the riverbed. So soothing.

  He smiled at me, then his forehead creased. "How did I get here?"

  "I don't know. Have you been here before?"

  "Oh, my, yes, lots of times. But not for a while." He frowned. "I think I'm not supposed to be here now either. Are you?"

  "I should be at work."

  "Maybe I should too." He shut his eyes for a moment, then opened them and looked at me. "Do I know you?"

  "We just met. I'm Andrea. But you didn't tell me your name yet."

  "I'm Martin," he said, and relief flooded me. True, he was confused, but at least I'd found him. Unless there were two old men named Martin roaming the park, which seemed unlikely.

  "Nice to meet you," I said.

  He smiled. "You too, dear. What's your name?"

  Ouch. I took a breath to tell him again then heard Loren calling me. I stood up and carefully put both feet on the grass then took a few steps away from Martin so I wouldn't deafen him before calling back, "Over here!"

  "Again!"

  "Down here, by the water!" I thought Martin might question why I was yelling but he didn't seem to notice.

  The trees rustled and Loren appeared. At the sight of his dad, he rubbed his hand over his mouth and muttered, "Thank God."

  Martin looked up. "Hi there... Loren!"

  His confusion at first and then his delight in recognizing his son brought tears to my eyes and I blinked furiously as Loren said, "Dad, you scared me. Why'd you go out by yourself?"

  "But I'm not by myself. See?" He pointed to me.

  Loren and I looked at each other and he shook his head. "What do I say to that?"

  I smiled though my heart was aching. "He's smart. I see where you get it."

  Loren blushed, and his dad said, "Come put your feet in the water. The fish are nice."

  "Dad, we'll come back on the weekend, okay? I have to go to work."

  I remembered that actually he didn't, but before I could decide whether I should say so in front of Martin Loren added, "And you had that cold last week. You shouldn't be soaking your feet in cold water."

  Martin rolled his eyes at me. "He's so pushy." He got to his bare feet, though. "Where are my shoes?"

  "And your socks, for that matter."

  We found both socks stuffed into the one shoe he'd brought down to the water for some reason. Loren dried his dad's feet on his own khaki pants and put his socks on, and I went barefoot to let my feet air-dry while I fetched Martin's other shoe.

  "Come with us," Loren said to me once his dad and I both had our shoes on. "I'll take you to work afterwards."

  After checking to make sure Martin wasn't listening, I said quietly, "Dana gave us the day off with pay. For all the work we've been doing."

  He shook his head, a smile growing. "She's always trying to give me time off. Says I need a break. She must have figured it'd work better if she sent it through you."

  I smiled back, touched by our sweet boss. "Did it?"

  "Guess we'll see."

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Martin insisted I sit in the front seat of Loren's obviously old but clean car, and he chattered away from the back as Loren drove us without speaking to their townhouse a little north of the park. Once we arrived, Loren handed Martin over to his caregiver, who'd clearly been crying, then gave her shoulder a squeeze when she tried to apologize yet again. "It's okay. I know he's fast. But keep those locks on, okay?"

  She sniffled and nodded.

  "Bye, Dad. See you tonight."

  Martin looked up vaguely. "Okay. Bye." He turned to me. "Bye."

  I smiled and said goodbye, then the caretaker closed the door and Loren and I left. He paused on the steps, though, his head cocked to one side, then came forward and said, "Wanted to make sure she locked the door."

  "I doubt she'll forget again. Ever."

  "You're probably right."

  We stood on the driveway looking at each other, then he said, "I can't thank you enough."

  I shook my head. "You don't have to thank me at all. I'm just glad I found him."

  "Yeah. Me too."

  He looked so tired, and so miserable, that I couldn't stop myself taking a step toward him and wrapping my arms around his neck. As I did, I wondered if it was too forward, but he pulled me close at once.

  I held him tight and closed my eyes, overwhelmed by the feelings rushing through me. Relief at Martin's safe return home, happiness I'd been able to help, sympathy for Loren, amazement at how safe and protected I felt in his arms and how right holding him felt...

  And a desperate desire to kiss him.

  I couldn't believe how strong it was. I'd never thought of kissing him before but now my mouth burned with longing. But I couldn't, of course. You can't just kiss a coworker because you feel like it. Not to mention, I'd never kissed anyone but
Alex and changing that would be such a huge sign I'd moved on. I had moved on, but was I ready for that?

  I pressed my cheek to his chest and refused to let myself do what I so wanted, and we held each other for a long moment before he squeezed me a little closer then let me go.

  When I looked up at him, his eyes were suspiciously bright. Tears tightened my throat and I looked away to give him a chance to recover. I couldn't imagine how he was dealing with everything.

  "Thanks," he said gruffly after a few seconds.

  I cleared my throat. "Hey, it's the least I could do after you got me to pull the handle on the bungee ride."

  He chuckled. "Hardly the same thing, but if you say so. All right, what should we do with our day off?"

  I blinked, surprised he wanted to spend it with me.

  He flushed. "Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Of course you don't have to--I mean--"

  I shook my head. "I was just surprised you didn't want to relax on your own. I'd love to hang out with you. But are you sure?"

  His face began to return to its normal color. "Definitely. I'm always at work or with Dad. I'd enjoy spending the day with you. If you want to."

  Did I want to spend a whole day with a man I longed to kiss? "Absolutely."

  *****

  Since he hadn't eaten yet, we decided to head to the Eaton Centre for breakfast for him and a snack for me and then see what we wanted to do next. The shopping center wasn't open yet, but he took me to a tiny coffee shop that was and insisted on paying for my snack, the best croissant I'd ever tasted. We stayed for ages since everyone else was rushing in to buy things before work and didn't need the chairs, and chatted non-stop. No topic was off-limits, and he made that clear right after we sat down.

  "Look, I think I owe you an apology." His neck reddened. "You'll probably hate me but I have to tell you. You used to work with Tina, right?"

  I nodded. Oh, please, don't let him want to date her.

  "She was with my friend Brent for a while, and she was bitching about her job and how some girl was standing between her and the job she wanted. I..." The flush deepened. "I got frustrated listening to her gripe about how messed up this person was after a big breakup and said, 'Maybe she'll just quit and you can take her job.' She seemed happy and it shut her up, but when we talked at Wonderland and I realized how you came to work with us... I've felt terrible."