by Gina Kincade
“Tell me what?”
Hon’s smile drops. “I—” he looks at Ian. “You guys are close, right?”
“Yes. So? What’s this about?” I say and something odd happens to my voice. It’s like glass shattering, there’s all these horrible notes floating through the sound, almost making me shudder.
Hon straightens and looks at Ian again, making me so angry, too angry. “I figured since you’re making the rounds and now to me, that you and Ian are…really close. You’ve let him in. Next will be the folks, and maybe I’ll come with you guys when you meet them.”
“That’s very nice, Hon, but what the fuck is going on?” I’m getting madder and madder by the second, and I can’t stop it. I’m shaking. I’m blinded by this anger. At the same time, I’m afraid and sad and heartbroken.
Ian glances at me, concern written through his knitted-together brows.
But Hon is again looking at Ian, making me want to scream at him. Why does he keep glancing at Ian, as if trying to find some answer within Ryder? The answers are within me. All me. I need Hon to figure that out and stop looking at Ian.
Instead, Hon says to Ryder, “I figured that you and Asha are close and…you know what happened.”
God, I want the earth to swallow me whole. Even better, I want to hide under my covers in my bed. Forever.
I can’t look at Ian because I know he’s smart. He’s piecing things together.
“I—Asha,” Hon’s voice is pleading with me. “This isn’t just about making things up to you. I mean, it is, but it’s not. It’s what I want to do now. This place is for a better future.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? This place—what does it have to do with me?” I’m yelling and Hon is walking closer. But I back away.
“All these years working contract law—something so monotonous I thought I’d go permanently numb. And fighting, although I don’t mind the fighting so much. But all of it was for…well, kind of for you, for a better future.” After repeating himself, he steps closer again, but I back away once more. “Asha, this is going to be a rape crisis center, so no one will have to be alone when…after something like that happens.”
I scream. Really scream. It’s such a strange guttural sound, like an animal dying.
Hon races toward me and Ian is too, but I back away, my fists out. “No one has to be alone! No one has to be alone! But you leave me alone for years. You left me when I needed you the most. You just left me. You found me with—with that thing—that monster who hurt me, and you left me. You were so embarrassed of me, so ashamed of me, that you left me.”
Hon has instant tears in his eyes and he’s shaking his head. “No, Ash. Never ashamed of you. Always proud. I didn’t want to leave you.”
“But you did! You did!”
“They made me.”
“Who made you? No one can make you do anything.”
“Unless you’re in jail! Asha, I was in jail for eight months, doing everything I could to get out. Don’t you remember?”
I blink and stare at him, shaking my head. “Lona was the one arrested.”
“Almost arrested. Little lawyer talked her way out of that, but there was no way I could. Cops saw me. There were crowds of people, all witnesses.”
“Of what?”
He tilts his head to the side. “You really don’t know? Didn’t anyone tell you?”
“You know our family has a weird code of silence. Mom and Dad don’t talk about the fact that Lona is getting married to a woman. Why would they say anything that might be slightly negative about you? You were in jail?”
He slowly nods. “Yeah, the tribe considered bailing me out, but I didn’t want them to. If I was out, I knew I’d try to kill Anthony again.”
Again?
“You tried to kill him?”
He takes a step closer, his head leaning down. “I can’t believe that Lona didn’t tell you. But, yeah, when I caught him, I called the cops and threw him of out the window. Then I went down the stairs—”
“My room was three floors up.”
“Yeah, it didn’t kill him, the drop, but it broke his legs. He was wearing casts during the trial. Don’t you remember?”
I look down. “It’s all a blur.”
He nods. “The folks thought it best if I stayed away when I got out. I changed schools, did everything because I thought that, although you didn’t want to see me—”
“I always wanted to see you.”
“Fuck.” He shakes his head as two tears flow down his hollowed cheeks. “I stayed away because I thought you wanted me to. Mom said it was best not to talk to you because I would just upset you. So I thought of the ways to still protect you even though I couldn’t be around you. That’s why I saved up and got a grant and am going to run this organization. That’s why I’ve been doing everything. I thought it could get me back to you, back with my best friend and sister.”
I’m bawling and breaking. Shattering. In a good way, but breaking hurts all the same.
It’s then that I realize that all my fears, everything that I hide is out in the open.
In front of Ian.
I can’t look at him. I can’t see the pity that’s sure to be there.
Boyfriends and rape—I don’t know how they deal. If they deal. If Ian is the kind of man who could handle the fact that I’ve been hurt, that someone hurt me.
And I can’t stand here to figure it out.
I look at Hon, my one friend throughout my whole life. Even when he wasn’t there for me, he was still fighting to figure out a way back to me. I know my parents thought they were doing what’s best, but I am so going to lecture them. One of these days. When I get my strength back. If I get my strength back.
But for now, I just look at Hon, hoping he’ll be able to read my mind like he used to, saying, “I can’t.”
And I run.
Asha
“Housekeeping,” a female voice calls out after a loud knock.
I mute the TV in my motel room, thinking it weird I would get a second call for housekeeping today. Standing, I walk a little closer to the door, saying, “But you were already here this morning.”
“I have the towels you wanted, Miss.”
For a second, I remember I had asked for towels. But something is off. Something isn’t right.
It’s then I recognize the voice, although she’s trying really hard to disguise it.
Lona.
Leave it to my resourceful sister to find me.
It’s been almost two weeks since I ran away from Hon and Ian. I was so confused at the time that I ran straight into the bank and pretended that I was interested in getting a checking account, even going so far as putting a hundred dollars in one. Then I gathered my courage and walked out of the building, hearing Ian yelling for me somewhere down the street. Maybe Hon was too, but I only heard Ian’s strained voice.
I just couldn’t face him.
I know what it’s like to watch as my loved ones start to look at me differently. Some would look at me with pity, which only made me feel worse. Others looked at me with an odd combination of suspicion and sorrow, their changed gazes cutting deeper than any knife.
I couldn’t watch Ryder’s expression morph into something other than what I’d grown accustomed to. I think he really did like me. But how could he keep liking me after he found out I’d been sexually assaulted? Or even if he could, he wouldn’t look at me the same. No, he’d change. In his eyes, I’d no longer be the sexual creature he had gotten to know. He would shy away from that, and I wouldn’t blame him. If I were him, I don’t know what I would do.
So I packed more of my clothes into a backpack, thinking about my things at Ryder’s and if I’d ever see them again. Next, I called my supervisor and asked for a couple weeks off—family emergency was my excuse. And then I found this motel, on the outskirts of Laramie, and have made it my home.
“Those towels, ma’am.”
I smile despite being upset that my sister fo
und me. She’s got an accent. I think it’s German mixed with a little Russian. It’s really bad and makes me grin, no matter how perturbed I am at her.
Slowly, I make my way to the door, unlocking it and opening it. “Hi, Lona.”
She’s not alone. There’s my brother, who’s looking down at me with…well, he’s angry, that’s for sure. He pushes the door wider and lets himself in, my sister not far behind.
“Asha.” My sister’s voice is a sad whisper as she checks out the garbage I’ve left scattered throughout my room.
I don’t drink booze for comfort. I eat. Everything. There’s candy bar wrappers, cookie containers, ice cream pints, and pizza boxes all over the room. I have no idea how much weight I’ve gained. And I haven’t felt like cleaning up. I keep telling the maid that I don’t want her services. I kind of like the garbage everywhere. It makes me feel like the chaos that’s within me isn’t alone.
“I know.” I yank my greasy hair into a ponytail holder. “It’s a mess. Don’t you dare tidy up.”
My sister turns and looks at me. “But you’re always the clean one. So organized. I envied you that.”
My brother, though, isn’t listening. He’s picking up things from the bed.
“Hon, I just said—”
“I’m cleaning off some space to sit,” he hollers. “Besides, now that we found you, I don’t plan to leave. I’m moving in, Sis.”
I shake my head. “No, you’re not.”
He makes the bed presentable again and stands, smiling hard at me. “Oh, yes, I am. I’m not about to repeat the last few years. I’m never letting you out of my sight again. Besides—” he swallows, “—I seriously need to apologize to you for—for saying anything in front of Ryder. I don’t mean this as an excuse, but to let you know my frame of mind. I blabbed because I felt like I was excluded from you, and everyone else was included. So I assumed he knew. I—that doesn’t make sense.”
I nod. “I think I understand.”
And I do. I know I do. He felt so much like an outsider to me he assumed everyone else just knew my secrets. I get that.
As odd as it sounds, I’m not mad at him for saying anything in front of Ian. And my heart doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it used to when I look at my brother. It only hurts because I doubt Ryder will want to be with me again.
Hon sucks in a sharp breath. “I made a lot of assumptions and made you severely uncomfortable, hurt you, by yet again not protecting you like I should have.” There’s a lot of pain and guilt swimming through his dark gaze.
I wish I could take that away from him. “You’re not—”
He doesn’t let me finish and covers his hurt expression with a plastered smile. Flopping where I had been laying, he fluffs the pillows behind his head. “Well, I plan to make it up to you by never letting you out of my sight. You and me are going to be spending a lot, a lot, lot, lot of time together. Now, what are we watching? No. No, I’m not watching cooking shows.” He has the remote and starts to surf while the TV’s still muted.
I growl, frustrated with the takeover. He looks up and growls back, even snarling his white, straight teeth, then genuinely smiling at me.
“Do you still like Molly Ringwald movies?” he asks, like he hadn’t just growled at me. “The Breakfast Club is on.”
I purse my lips. “Surprise, surprise, but I don’t want to watch TV at this very second. I want to know why my siblings are here and how you found me.”
“I went through your apartment until I found your credit card bills,” my sister says, nonchalantly. “Checked them online—by the way, you should rethink all your passwords—and found the card you were using for your hotel. Easy peasy.”
“And illegal. Total invasion of my privacy.”
She shrugs. “You weren’t calling any of us back. Ryder’s nearly crazy with worry. So I figured I could break into your apartment and invade your privacy. Bit showed me how to pick your lock. She’s the most exciting woman I’ve ever known. And so pretty. God, I’m lucky.”
I hold a hand out to her, loving how she talks about her fiancé with such reverence and love, even if she is talking about breaking into my apartment, but I need to know about Ian. “Wait, how do you know how Ryder’s doing?”
“He’s part of the family now.” Hon’s fiddling with the remote. “Of course we’re going to know how he’s doing.”
“What do you mean he’s part of the family now?”
Hon shrugs like my sister just had. “He’s my buddy. My friend. You know he looked for you all day when you ran away. All fucking day. And into the night. I had to sleep over at his apartment the first couple nights. He’s a mess.”
I have to sit down. I don’t care that I’m sitting on an old bag of powdered donuts that are making my butt white. I can’t believe what I just heard.
Ryder’s a mess. Without me.
God, it’s awful but that makes me so happy.
Lona tucks some of my hair behind an ear. “He thinks you don’t care for him.”
I glance up at my sister. “Of course I care for him.”
“That’s what I told him.” She smiles. “I said the only reason you’re such a chicken is because you care so much for him.”
“Gee, thanks.”
Her smile widens. “Bit says I’m a tad too blunt. Do you agree?”
I love Bit. I’ve never had the courage to say anything like that to my sister, always too afraid she’d fiercely, much too fiercely, defend herself. Lona’s tiny girlfriend is a lot braver than me.
I swallow and glance at Hon, who averts his gaze back to the TV.
Lona—always pristine, always cool even if she is yelling her point—growls like Hon and I did. But she’s loud and sounds a wee bit crazy. Hon and I stare at her.
She flings her hands in the air. “I asked you a question.”
“Which I feel really uncomfortable answering.”
“Ease up on Ash, Lon.”
She growls at Hon but then smiles. “And it’s about time you two started teaming up against me. Like you usually do.”
“We don’t—”
Lona scoffs with a snort. “Please. From the second the two of you were born, you were in your own world. You barely needed Mom and Dad you were so ensconced in your little twin universe. It wasn’t like you needed a bossy older sister.” Her voice cracks, and I realize she’s being serious. And vulnerable. Which is so unlike my sister, but it makes me want to hold her and comfort her.
I stand, looking at Lona, really looking at her gorgeous face etched with pain. “I—I’ve always needed you.”
“Me too,” Hon adds.
Lona turns away, snorting again. “Whatever. I was always the odd man out. Mom and Dad doted on the twin babies, while I got told to brush my teeth all by myself. Crap, I didn’t want to talk about this. I don’t even know what I’m talking about, brushing my teeth alone. I wanted to talk about the two of you, get you two to…gang up against me, because I know the two of you have missed each other. And I—god—” she sniffs and crosses her arms, looking at us again. “You know what sucks about getting in a serious relationship with a person who you adore? They bring a mirror with them. By getting so close to them, you see yourself all the better. Clearer. You see all the bullshit that you’ve tried to cover up. You see it in HD, you know? And it sucks.”
I glance at Hon. He has no clue what to say either, but he’s sitting up, listening. He glances at me, and I know it’s there, the connection we share. No matter how much time apart, no matter how angry I am at him, or him at me, we’re always connected. He knows my heart and I know his. We may not know each other very well now, but we’ll always know each other’s hearts.
I take a step closer to Lona. “I adored you when we grew up. I worshipped you. Ask Hon.”
Lona glances at our brother.
He nods. “She was always stealing your clothes.”
Lona glares at me. “I know.”
“That’s because I wanted a piece of you, even if it
wasn’t really you. You were always so busy and wouldn’t hang out with me or Hon—”
“Because you and Hon had your own little world. I—God, I’m a monster, but I kind of liked the last few years, the two of you not talking. It was the first time I felt like a real member of the family. Both you and Hon talked to me. I wasn’t the last to know something. I wasn’t the afterthought. You included me. And I liked that.” A tear rolls down her cheek as she looks at Hon then me. “I’m sorry. And I do realize how shitty I’ve been. It’s time I stepped out of the way.”
I shake my head. “I want you in the way. I want to do lunch with you or anything you want. I couldn’t believe you wanted to see me the other day.”
“I’ve been dying to see you. You’re my little sister. And I love you so much.” She smiles at Hon. “And I want to keep doing things with you too if that’s okay.”
He stands and comes closer, glancing at us with a worried smile. “I—I want us to be a family again. Only, this time I want us to talk. Really talk. And not through each other. But to each other. I want both of my sisters in my life.”
We smile at each other, but I think we’re all a little afraid of hugging. Besides, when we were kids, Lona wouldn’t let us embrace her, some weird aversion to physical affection. So Hon and I would do drive-by hugs, which is just as it sounds. It’s more of an attack than anything else, and Lona really didn’t seem to like hugs after that.
I glance at my brother and sister, a little amazed at the turn of events. I have my family back. Well, I’m sure it will take some time to get to know each other again, but we’re here for each other.
Still, I’m dying to know something. I reach out and touch the shaved head of my brother. “I can’t believe you did this. Did the folks freak? Did Dad yell at you?”
“Asha.” Lona’s tone is a warning, which I don’t understand.
“Seriously, Hon. Why’d you chop it off?”
He doesn’t look at me but down at his black boot. “Not good to fight with long hair.”
“How long have you been fighting?”
“That’s not the reason why he cut it.” Lona sniffs. She looks at me like I’m an idiot. “Come on, Asha, you know why. There’s only one reason why we cut our hair. When we’re grieving.”