What if she had a criminal record?
What if she was some deadbeat mom that had abandoned her kids?
What if she was a corporate-ladder climber who would hate everything she’d found happiness with in the last two weeks?
What if . . . what if she was married?
That thought was the worst one, and it was the one that tended to float into her mind the most often. She touched her unmarked ring finger to reassure herself, but it still went through her thoughts every now and then. Not everyone wore wedding rings. What if she’d married some hipster that didn’t believe in jewelry and that was why she didn’t have the mark of a ring?
Cass knew most of it was in her head. She didn’t think she was married—another gut feeling. But she didn’t know for sure. If she even had the slightest suspicion that she was, she’d have never touched Eli, because cheating was a terrible thing. But . . . what if she’d lost those portions of her memory so completely that she didn’t even realize? The thought had occurred to her a few days ago and now she couldn’t shake it.
So she avoided reality and lost herself in Eli’s arms. It was easy enough. All she had to do was close her eyes and kiss him. Lose herself in the feeding of chickens and the mucking of stalls and nights spent by the fire with the dogs and her man. And if she worried about things, well, she just wouldn’t let him know.
A thump thump thump caught her attention, and Cass glanced over at Frannie, who was lounging in her box, five wriggling puppies attached to her. Her tail was wagging, smacking against the side of the box. “What is it, girl?” Cass asked, but she knew the answer.
Two seconds later, she heard the door to the mudroom even as Bandit and Jim shot into the house, dancing around with glee and tracking mud all over the floors. She wasn’t even mad. They were far too cute. She bent over to rub Bandit’s muzzle, calling out to Eli. “Hey, babe. You’re done early.” It was barely three, and sometimes he was out much, much later. Of course, ever since they’d started sleeping together, he’d found a way to finish up a lot quicker.
It gave them a lot more time for kissing . . . among other things. “Everything all right?”
“Just callin’ it an early day today,” he told her as he came into the kitchen. He pulled off his hat and underneath was the silly-looking crocheted cap she’d made for him. It was a little too small and left a waffle-weave texture on his forehead, but he wore the damn thing every day like it was the best thing he’d ever seen, and every time she saw him in it, her heart melted a little more.
Eli was just so easy to love.
“Well, I certainly don’t mind,” she began, and her words ended in a squeal when he grabbed her around the waist and hauled her over his shoulder. “What are you doing?”
“Taking you into the shower with me.” He gave her ass a slap through her jeans. “Heard you were a dirty girl, so I thought I’d clean you up.”
Wild giggles erupted from her, and she squirmed atop his shoulder as he carried her through the house, making her feel as if she weighed nothing. She loved this side of him. She was always a playful, teasing sort, but Eli was far more serious. That he was starting to play back with her was amazing, and she adored it. Besides, them in the shower together usually led to good things, so she was all for a quick wash. “You’re in a good mood,” she called to him as he entered the bathroom. “How are the cows?”
“The cattle are fine. I’ll give them your regards.” He always thought it was funny that she asked about them, as if they were pets. She couldn’t get into her head that these were products and beef. They were just silly, smelly cows to her. She wasn’t quite a rancher just yet, it seemed. “And besides, I thought we’d make other plans today.”
“Wild shower sex followed by more wild shower sex?”
“Wild shower sex,” he agreed, “followed by a ride out to your car to get your purse. You ever been on horseback?” He gently set her down on the tile floor and then began to undress her.
“Oh,” she said. She tried to think of something else to say, and nothing came to her. The unpleasant knot returned to Cass’s stomach.
Eli gave her a curious look as he worked the buttons on the front of her borrowed shirt. “That all right?”
“It’s fine,” she told him brightly. “And no, I’ve never ridden a horse before, but they make it look easy in the movies. So the weather’s cleared up that much?”
He snorted, giving his head a little shake. “Movies. Riding a horse is not like they show it in the movies, Cass. You’ll have to hold on to me. On second thought, maybe we should wait another day and take the Gator, because I don’t trust you not to fall off the back of one of the horses unless I strap you to my back.”
“How rude,” she told him, mock offended. “And I don’t mind waiting another day.” In fact, she’d prefer it. It gave her one more day with him. One more day of bliss and no worries. When his hand went to her breast, she captured his mouth in a hot, hungry kiss.
She could convince him to go tomorrow, she figured. It’d be easy enough to distract him and buy herself another day.
* * *
• • •
She managed to keep Eli (and herself) happily distracted for the rest of the evening, and she prayed for snow the next morning. If it snowed again, she’d buy herself a few more days. Unfortunately, the next morning dawned as sunny and crisp as yesterday, which meant there was no delaying the inevitable.
It wouldn’t be that bad, she reasoned with herself. If she got her stuff back and was able to piece together who she was, great. It didn’t mean things had to change. It just meant that the missing gaps would get filled in. She told herself that over and over again, but in the end, she still wasn’t convinced. Something about this felt unsettling, and when Eli drove the Gator to the front of the house, she bundled up and then got in, forcing a smile to her face.
“You feeling all right, baby?” He pulled her against his side, tucking her under his arm. In the back of the Gator, Jim and Bandit paced, excited about the ride.
“I’m great,” she lied. “Just anxious to get my stuff from the car.” It wasn’t a lie, exactly. After all, there was good anxious and bad anxious. She moved closer to him, though, because being snuggled up against him was nice, and she told herself to enjoy the ride. The farm vehicle they called the Gator was something like a small Jeep or an overlarge golf cart, designed to truck through the worst sort of terrain, and the thing had a flatbed for hauling stuff. The dogs raced around as it puttered over snowy hills and through muddy slicks. Cass noticed that most of the snow was turning to patchy brown and revealing the wet earth underneath. The trees were uncovered from their white blankets, and everything around them was very pretty and very drippy and depressingly snowless. It meant that she couldn’t delay the inevitable any longer.
It also meant that the others would probably be returning soon. Eli had mentioned that they’d be coming back after New Year’s and that if the weather was bad, they’d just stay in town for a few days until the road cleared. If the road was clear, it meant their private idyll was over. That made her really sad. Like it or not, this felt like an end to what they’d had. She put her hand on Eli’s knee, just needing to touch him, and noticed that he wasn’t wearing the thick layers he normally did. He had on a coat over his jeans but no thermal pants—another sign that the weather was warming up.
It would no longer be an excuse to keep her here.
They traveled in companionable silence for a while. It must have been at least a half hour by Cass’s estimation, though she didn’t really have a good idea. She didn’t know this territory, but when Eli moved the Gator off the snowy hills down to a gravel road, she knew they were getting close. The road wound down into a ravine of sorts, the rocky cliffs of the mountains rising around them, and the snow grew higher here. “Almost there,” Eli told her.
She nodded, silent.
Th
en, a few minutes later, a beige and white mound came into view. Cass held her breath, realizing that it was her car. The front end was folded around the trunk of a tree, and she was shocked that she hadn’t been hurt more than she was. Her hand went to her breastbone and she rubbed it, thinking of the bruises that had been there until recently. She was so lucky.
The car was still covered in mounded snow on the top and the hood, though it had melted off of part of the window. Eli parked the Gator nearby and the dogs flung themselves onto the ground, running around with excitement as if there was nothing wrong. To Cass, everything felt wrong and strange. Her head felt floaty as she got out of the Gator and moved toward the car. Did she remember this vehicle? Or was it all still a blur? She couldn’t tell. The outside of the car was as bland and familiar as any sedan, so that didn’t help. She ran a hand over the trunk and noticed a rental company bumper sticker. That seemed . . . familiar. She’d rented a car. Right. Because . . . because . . .
Oh. Because she didn’t live in Wyoming. She’d flown in to stay for the holidays.
Cass held her breath, tense with anticipation. That was a new stray thought. She couldn’t even call it a memory, because now that she’d put it out there, it felt like it had always been there. It wasn’t a missing piece, but what were the missing pieces supposed to feel like? Were they supposed to be surprising or just feel like this? She didn’t know. She didn’t have anyone else that had lost their memories that she could ask. Cass glanced over at Eli. He leaned against the Gator, his long legs crossed at the boots, arms folded over his chest. His hat shielded his eyes so she couldn’t see his expression. She didn’t know what he was thinking. Was he as weirdly nervous as she was?
“You all right?”
She nodded.
“Want me to get anything out for you?”
“No, I’m okay.” For now, anyhow. Cass trailed her gloved fingers on the snow that clung to the sides of the car, sending it sprinkling down to the ground. She found the door handle and tried it, but it was iced over. With a few yanks, she was able to get the handle to move, and the door of the car creaked and groaned as if in pain before it opened up. The car interior yawned before her, and Cass stared at it.
It looked like a mess. The steering wheel had something that looked like a deflated balloon sagging out of the center of it. Airbag, she mentally told herself. There was no glass shattered, at least, but there was a bloody spot on the windshield where she’d smacked her head and somehow torn it open. She touched the scar on her brow, then leaned in, peering at the rest of the car. Her purse was on the floorboard on the passenger side, and the contents were spilled all over the car. She hesitated a moment, then slid inside the car, sitting in the front seat.
Her things were everywhere. They must have gone flying when she hit the tree, and she gazed out of the windshield, trying to recognize this spot. Didn’t ring a bell, but would it? If she’d known the tree was there, she wouldn’t have hit it, of course. Cass picked up a lip balm tucked in the seat, knew it was vanilla flavored before she opened it, and put it into her pocket. The car wasn’t familiar, but the things she was seeing were. That blue wallet was hers—given to her by her parents two Christmases ago. That mirror compact she’d won at a fair when she was twelve and had used ever since. Her favorite sunglasses. Her cell phone in its pink, girly case. She picked it up and held her breath, then clicked the button at the bottom to activate the screen. Here it was, the moment she’d started to dread.
The phone’s screen remained black.
Dead.
She let out a deep breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. Of course it was dead. It had been out here uncharged for almost two weeks. Leaning over, she picked up her purse and started to put things inside it. As she did, they felt familiar, and the twinges of memory in her mind grew stronger. She’d gotten this package of almonds at the airport. She’d packed extra hand lotion in her purse because her fingers got chapped in the cold and she’d known . . .
She’d known she was going to the cabin for the Christmas holidays.
Her parents’ cabin. Memories flashed through her mind, filling in the blanks. Of summers spent running through the woods with her cousins, of campfires behind the house and roasting marshmallows. Of the time she’d twisted her ankle and had to spend the entire week sitting on the ugly plaid sofa in the cabin while her parents and aunts and uncles skied. She knew that cabin. Knew this road—well, kind of.
And she swallowed hard, because the vague feeling of unease was returning. She’d gone up to the cabin for the holidays alone, because she’d wanted to hide. The answer of why she wanted to hide was somewhere in her phone, because just holding the damned thing filled her with dread. She ran her fingers over the screen absently, lost in thought. She didn’t come to this cabin often. It seemed odd to want to spend Christmas alone—but that was right, her parents were in Italy and she couldn’t stay in New York.
Aha. New York. Of course. She lived there! And all at once, she could see her tiny apartment just above the corner bodega, the trees on the sidewalk, the subway stop just a short block away. It was as real as the breath frosting in front of her face.
“Cass?”
She jumped, startled—and a little guilty—at the sound of Eli’s voice. He leaned in the open driver’s side door and peered down at her. “Everything all right? You’re quiet.”
“I think so.” She let out a long breath. “I’m starting to remember things, Eli. I’m from New York!”
“Well, I won’t hold that against you, baby.” He gave her a little grin. “But I’m real glad you’re starting to get your memory back. Sounds like it won’t be gone for good.”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“You want to take this stuff back to the house with us?” He gestured at the back seat, and she turned around. There were boxes of supplies back there, junk food of all kinds, packages of cookies and snack cakes and packets of hot cocoa mix. Off in one corner, she saw the CD wallet that held all her Christmas music, and her favorite ugly Christmas sweater. She was a few days late for all that stuff. “It’s okay. I don’t think I need most of it. It was supplies because I was going to stay at my parents’ cabin up the road.” She pointed off behind him, where the narrow gravel-covered road forked in the opposite direction of the ranch. “We have a cabin up there.”
He got a funny look on his face. “The Horns’ cabin? Greg and Martina?”
Horn. That was her last name. Her eyes widened. “Oh my god, that’s me, Eli! I’m Cass Horn. Those are my parents!” She fumbled her way out of the car, because she wanted to throw her arms around him and hug him. He stepped backward to let her out of the car, and as he did, she dropped the contents of her purse all over the slushy ground. He put a steadying hand on her elbow and she stumbled into his embrace. “You know my parents?”
“Met ’em a time or two. They had car trouble a summer or two back. Needed a jump, so I came over to help them. Didn’t know they had a daughter.”
“That’s me,” she breathed, giddy. Even now, she could picture her parents’ faces. Oh, they’d be so worried . . . well, actually they probably wouldn’t. If they got her voicemail, they’d just assume she was out having a great time for the holiday and go back to their vacation in Italy without thinking too hard about it. They weren’t due to return until the middle of January, and if she wasn’t back by then, they’d worry. But someone else was expecting her to check in . . . She frowned and rubbed her head.
She didn’t know who. Or she didn’t want to know who. And that bothered her almost as much.
Eli leaned in and snagged the keys off the floorboard and handed them to Cass. She put them in her purse and then began to scoop up the contents from where they’d fallen on the ground. “You want anything else from this thing, baby? Clothes? Shoes?”
“Oh. Yeah.” She shoved her hairbrush back into her purse and stood up, frowning at the car
. “You think we should call a tow truck?”
“Not yet. Give it another few days to melt. No one’s going to come up the mountain until then.”
“All right.” She bit her lip as he picked her phone up from the ground and offered it to her. “It’s dead.”
“You have a charger?”
“In my suitcase.”
“Let’s get your suitcase and head back, then.” When she didn’t say anything, he paused. “You all right, baby?”
For some reason, that made her eyes well up. She loved it when he called her baby . . . and she was terrified she wasn’t going to get to hear it very often anymore.
“Cass? What is it?” He moved toward her, cupped her face in his leather gloves. It wasn’t the same as being touched by his warm, callused hands, but it was still nice. “You don’t seem like yourself.”
She swallowed hard, then forced herself to shrug as if it were no big deal. “I guess I’m . . . afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“That something’s going to change between you and me.” She dropped her gaze, clutching her purse to her chest. Her eyes blurred, and she realized with horror that she was about to cry. Oh damn it, not now.
“Hey,” Eli murmured, and his gloved thumb stroked her cheek. “Do you like what we’ve got?”
“Yes,” she managed to choke out.
“I do, too. I love you, Cass. Doesn’t change if you’re Cass Nobody or Cass Horn. You’re still my Cass, all right?”
She looked up at him in surprise. “You love me?”
He gave her one of those crooked half smiles. “Well, yeah. I thought that was pretty obvious.” When she shook her head, he leaned in and gave her a fierce, brief kiss. “I love you, Cass. I know it’s sudden, but I feel like that doesn’t matter. I love you, and whatever happens after this, we’ll figure it out.”
“I love you, too,” she whispered, her heart thudding. She didn’t know if it was fear or pleasure. She loved his words—loved him, too—but she couldn’t rest easy. Not yet. Not until she knew what it was on her phone that filled her with so much dread.
All I Want for Christmas Is a Cowboy Page 18