“Why were you so uncomfortable when Tess took hold of your hand?” Now was a good time to ask him about that, anything to take her mind off his lying next to her.
“I’m not used to touching,” he said. “Boys don’t do it much.”
Something about the tightness in his voice hinted that there was more than unfamiliarity at work. She wondered what.
“You were right about Orin needing a hug once in a while. Children need touching to feel secure, especially girls.” But not grown women. The thought of him touching her practically scared her to death.
“Anything you want to tell me about today?” he asked.
“Like what?” She didn’t know where to begin. She was married. She’d promised to help him adopt Orin and protect Toby. She’d committed herself to sleep next to him. She didn’t know if she could survive that. Next to sharing his bed, everything else seemed easy.
“I know you didn’t want to marry me,” Matt said. “I want to make being here easier. Like I said before, if you have anything you want to change, let me know. I discuss everything with the boys, but we want you and the children to be happy.”
The sincerity in his voice touched her. She knew he had to be as uncomfortable as she was.
“We’ll get along all right. It’ll just take a little time to adjust.”
A silence ensued.
“You sure there’s nothing bothering you?” he asked.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Then good night.”
“Good night.”
She heard him turn, felt the mattress move as he shifted positions. He must have put his back to her. She wanted to reach out and be sure but didn’t dare. If she touched him, he’d probably think she wanted a whole lot more. Still, she had to know.
“Did you turn your back to me?”
“Yes. Why?”
“Nothing. I just wanted to know.”
She rolled onto her side, her back toward Matt. She couldn’t go to sleep if he was facing her, maybe staring at her while she slept. It was hard enough knowing he lay just a few inches away, possibly naked.
But she found as she relaxed, as fear melted away to be replaced by the heaviness of fatigue, her awareness of his being so near became more intense. She tried hard to think about what she had to do tomorrow, how to make the children happy living on a ranch, how to get to know Orin better, even how to overcome her dislike of Toby.
But it didn’t work.
Nothing made her forget Matt lying within arm’s length. How could any woman calmly drop off to sleep knowing that? She thought of what Tulip said and turned warm all over. She had to forget Tulip’s comments. She needed sleep. She had to face her in-laws tomorrow.
Matt woke out of a dead sleep. Someone had hit him.
“You said you wouldn’t touch me,” Ellen said. She punched him in the chest. “You’re just like every other man. You’ll promise anything to get your hands on a woman.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked, struggling to understand what was going on.
She punched him once more before rolling out of bed. “I’m talking about you grabbing me the minute we fell sleep.”
He couldn’t see her expression in the dim light filtering through the window, but he saw her outline in the shadows, her hand clutched to her bosom, a blanket pulled around her to shield her body from his gaze.
“I didn’t touch you.” He couldn’t have. He didn’t even touch people in his adopted family unless he had to.
“You most certainly did. I knew I shouldn’t have let the sheriff talk me into sharing a bed with you. And he thinks you’re shy. You’re just as brazen as any other man.”
“I must have rolled over in my sleep.”
“Don’t think I’m going to believe that story. You can march right up to the loft and sleep with the boys.”
Matt didn’t know how to convince Ellen any touching had been innocent and accidental, but he did know their scheme would be ruined if they started sleeping in separate rooms. “We have to talk.”
“We’ll talk tomorrow when it’s light and I can watch your hands. Tonight you sleep in the loft.”
“I can’t.”
“Then I’ll sleep with Tess.”
“You can’t.”
“What are you going to do, pull me back into bed?” She backed closer to the door. “If you try, I’ll scream loud enough to be heard in Bandera.”
“Light the lamp.”
“I’m not staying in here with you.”
“If you leave this room, all four children will know something is wrong. One of them is bound to say something that will get back to Wilbur. If you really want to adopt Noah and Tess, you’ll listen to me.”
She remained motionless for several moments.
“I know you don’t trust me,” he said, “but I’m going to keep Toby and Orin if I have to tie you to this bed.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Don’t try me. Believe me when I say nothing is more important to me than those two boys.”
She struck a match and lit the lamp. She settled warily on the end of the bed, obviously ready to jump up at the slightest provocation. She kept the blanket pulled tightly around her. “I didn’t have to get married to get a woman into my bed. I got married so I could keep these boys. I’m not stupid enough to jeopardize that for a few seconds of juvenile fun.”
“You grabbed me.”
“Weren’t you asleep when it happened?”
“Yes, but—”
“So you don’t know exactly what I did. Look, I don’t deny I might have touched you, but I didn’t do it intentionally. I expect you’ll touch me before long.”
“I won’t.”
“Maybe not, but if you do, I promise not to jump to conclusions. Is it too much to ask you to do the same?”
He couldn’t tell if she was considering his proposal or preparing to walk out. Her shadowy silhouette remained motionless. “I don’t know what your experience has been, but not all men make a grab for the first female within reach.”
“I’ve seen you in the saloon,” she shot back. “You know that’s exactly what happens every night.”
“Have I ever made a grab for you?”
“No.”
“Or anyone else you know about?”
“No, but that doesn’t mean—”
“Do you know any Maxwell man who grabs at women in saloons?”
A pause. “No.”
“Do you know one of us who lies?”
“No.” The admission sounded reluctant.
“Everybody, even my family, says all I care about is my ranch and these boys. If that’s true, do you think I’m going to risk it all for a bit of a romp in bed?”
“No.” An even more reluctant admission.
“You don’t have to like me, but you can trust me.”
“It isn’t that I don’t like you.”
“You’re afraid I think what Eddie Lowell said is true.”
Silence.
“I believe you.”
“Why should you?”
“Because I know what it’s like when people tell lies about you.”
More silence.
“Look, we both want the same thing and have gone to unusual lengths to get it. Neither of us is willing to risk it foolishly. If I touch you, wake me up and I’ll move away. If I keep doing it, I’ll sleep on the floor. But you can’t leave this room. It would jeopardize what we both want.”
More silence. “Don’t you trust anybody?” he asked.
“No.”
“Could you learn to trust me?”
More silence. And people said he didn’t talk. “Okay, I’ll sleep on the floor.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Yes, I do. Give me that blanket. It gets cold before morning.”
“You don’t have to sleep on the floor. I trust you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” She didn’t sound sure.
“You p
romise to wake me right away if I touch you?”
“I never met a man like you.”
“You’re a beautiful woman. I’m sure hundreds of men want you. I just want something else more.” He’d probably made her angry, but at least she lay down.
“I don’t understand you,” she said.
“You don’t have to. Just remember I’ll do what I must to keep those boys and you won’t go wrong.”
That wasn’t quite the whole truth, but he had to make her believe it was.
Matt lay in bed, all desire for sleep gone. He ought to get up, feed the livestock, and start breakfast, but he didn’t move. He lay in bed with his wife. While she was his wife in name only, he found comfort in her presence. Her warmth reached his body. The soft sound of her breathing soothed him. Her presence banished some of the loneliness that had been his constant companion for so many years.
But that wasn’t his only unexpected discovery. His body had responded to Ellen’s presence. Even more important, he hadn’t experienced any revulsion when he touched her.
He’d never had any trouble imagining a physical relationship with a woman. There had been times when he thought he would explode from the pressure inside him, but any physical contact conjured up memories of terror, pain, and humiliation, and all physical desire vanished. Yet he’d spent half the night in a state of arousal, inflamed by Ellen’s presence rather than terrified by it. He’d wanted to touch her. He still wanted to touch her. He could imagine the softness of her skin, the warmth of her caress.
But he kept his distance. If he didn’t, she would leave, and his chances of adopting Orin would sink out of sight. The boys were more important than his physical needs. He was probably having an atypical reaction, because he’d never been this close to a woman for such a long period of time. Probably the moment he touched her when she was awake, the old revulsion would come down on him with the force of a rockslide. Better to think he had overcome his inhibitions than to prove conclusively that he hadn’t.
Besides, it wouldn’t do any good. Ellen didn’t want him to touch her. She’d clung to the far side of the bed with the tenacity of someone clinging to a cliff. He felt shunned, and he resented it because he didn’t deserve to feel that way. He’d upheld his part of the bargain. He’d kept his distance.
But he didn’t want to. He wanted to—
Matt sat up. There was no point in staying in bed. He would either do something he shouldn’t or be miserable because he didn’t. It was not yet dawn, but he eased himself out of the bed, stood, and pulled the nightshirt over his head. Despite his frustration, he couldn’t help but grin as he realized that for the few seconds it took him to discard his nightshirt and step into his long underwear, he stood naked in the bedroom with his wife. That was something he wouldn’t have thought possible just a couple of days ago.
As he buttoned up, he thought of Ellen standing naked as she discarded her nightgown and reached for her chemise. It had the result of making his arousal more painful than ever. No other woman had had this effect on him. He didn’t understand why Ellen should.
Matt dressed quickly and left the bedroom. He knew his weakness now. By tonight he would have himself under control.
He’d better. He couldn’t go months without sleep.
Ellen decided if every morning was going to be like this, she’d have to take the kids and run for it. Breakfast was becoming a nightmare, and it was everybody’s fault except Matt’s. He never lost his temper, though considering she had lost hers several times, she was in no mood to consider that a virtue.
“This biscuit is hard enough to knock a horse senseless,” Toby complained as he ladled peach jam on a biscuit he’d practically torn to pieces. He knew Ellen had made the biscuits.
“If you don’t like it, don’t eat it,” Matt said.
“I can’t be expected to wrestle wild horses without a decent breakfast.”
“Wake up,” Matt said to Orin, who stared absently before him. “The horses will be here soon.”
“He didn’t get much sleep,” Toby said. “That floor is too hard.”
“I’ll get some more blankets,” Matt said.
“Toby took all the jam,” Noah said. “I wanted more jam.”
“There’s more in the pantry,” Matt said.
“I’ll get it,” Toby said, getting up with a great show of self-sacrifice. “The brat would probably knock one of the jars off the shelf. It would be a shame if he got hit in the head.”
“I’m sure Noah has excellent coordination,” Matt said.
“He wouldn’t if he’d spent half the night trying to get comfortable enough to sleep.”
Tess started to whimper. She always did when people around her were angry or upset.
“That’s enough,” Ellen snapped, her patience finally at an end. “You can have your bedroom back. Noah and Tess will sleep in the loft.”
“Pay no attention,” Matt said. “Toby’s always out of temper in the morning, and Orin always stares into space. Noah and Tess are too small to sleep in the loft.”
“I’m not too small,” Noah protested. “I want to sleep in the loft.”
“You’ll have beds soon,” Matt said.
“A bed won’t make any difference,” Toby declared. “I—”
“It’s time you and Orin made sure everything is ready for the horses.”
They jumped to their feet, put their dishes in the sink, and practically raced out of the kitchen. Matt got up more slowly and took his plate to the sink. “I’ll have a talk with them. I want everybody to be happy.”
Ellen doubted anything could make this family happy. Though she felt sorry for Toby, she was glad he didn’t want to be adopted.
“I know it’s hard to be orphaned and unwanted, but I won’t let Toby attack the children,” Ellen said. “They’re too small to defend themselves. Besides, they didn’t create this situation.”
“Neither did Toby and Orin,” Matt said. “When they start feeling threatened, they forget they’re not the only ones. They’ll adjust. Are you sure you don’t mind cleaning up? The boys and I will help.”
“No. You do the horses. I’ll do the dishes.”
Matt’s smile was almost enough to banish the dark mood of the morning. “You’d better be careful. I might get used to it.”
“I’ll cook and wash up after every meal as long as I don’t have to come near a horse or a cow.”
“You sound like Isabelle.”
“She must be a sensible woman.”
“I’ve got to go,” Matt said. “You want to come with me?” he asked Noah.
“Yeah,” Noah said, jumping up so quickly that he knocked his plate onto the floor.
“Noah’s staying with me,” Ellen said. “You’ll be too busy to watch him.”
“I want to go with Matt.” Noah puckered up, ready to cry.
“Tell you what,” Matt said. “If you help Ellen clean up, I’ll have my brother Will take you with him. Then Ellen won’t have to worry about you.”
Noah looked like he was trying to decide whether to throw a tantrum or accept Matt’s offer.
“If you throw a fit, you’ll stay inside all day,” Ellen said.
Noah’s shoulders sagged. “Okay, but I don’t like you, Ellen.”
Ellen turned toward Matt.
“I’m not sure—”
“He’s got to learn sometime,” Matt said. “You can’t keep him inside forever.”
“But he’s so young.”
“I’m almost six,” Noah said.
“I’ll send Orin to tell you when the horses are close to the house,” Matt said to Noah. “After I break the horses, we’ll see if there’s one good enough for you. Watch them very carefully when they go by to see if there’s one you like.”
Ellen had to bite her tongue to keep from saying something just to irritate Matt. It annoyed her that he remained so calm when she was about to explode. It was like being married to a shadow. You could see him, but you couldn’t get y
our hands on him. “What do you want me to fix for dinner?”
“Isabelle will be here soon. You can decide together.”
“Why can’t I go?” Noah wailed as soon as the door closed behind Matt.
“You’re too young, and you don’t know anything about being around wild horses.”
“I’m not afraid of no horses.”
“Wild horses are dangerous. They don’t like being put in a corral. They try to get away. Sometimes even big men like Matt get hurt.”
“Orin’s helping.”
“Orin’s been living here for over a year. When you’ve been here that long, you can help, too.” But they wouldn’t be here a year from now. The adoption would have come through, and she’d have her hat shop in San Antonio.
“I think you’re mean.”
“Let’s get breakfast cleared away.”
“Matt would let me help,” Noah said. “I like Matt.” Ellen didn’t respond. She gave Matt credit for trying to include Noah in everything, but he had to remember Noah was a child.
“I like Matt, too,” Tess said. “He told me a story.”
Tess had been so frightened by the flaring tempers, she hadn’t said a word all morning.
“Matt’s very nice,” Ellen said, feeling more out of charity with him than ever.
“Matt likes stories,” Tess said.
“No, he doesn’t,” Noah said. “He just told you one because you’re a scaredycat.” He puffed out his chest. “Men aren’t afraid of the dark.”
Ellen didn’t know if she could stand much more of Matt’s being idolized. He was just a quiet, unflappable man who acted like she didn’t exist. She didn’t want him fawning over her, but she didn’t like being ignored. Men had admired her for so long, she’d taken it for granted. Now she wasn’t getting any attention at all, and that worried her.
The kitchen door burst open. “They’re here!” Orin shouted. “Jake must have brought at least twenty horses.”
Orin’s head disappeared immediately. Noah jumped to his feet and raced to the door.
“Stay on the porch,” Ellen called. “I don’t want you trampled.”
She doubted Noah heard her. Only Tess seemed immune to the magic of wild horses.
“Do I have to go outside?” Tess asked. She’d been content to sit in her own chair during breakfast, but she’d jumped down and clutched onto Ellen the minute Matt and the boys left.
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