“He can have it,” she said.
“I insist we buy it. How much do you think it’s worth?”
She took a deep, agitated breath. “Oh, make it twenty-five cents. It’s only a trumpery piece of nothing.”
“I don’t have any money on me right now,” Matt said, “but—”
“I do,” Ellen said, opening her purse. She counted out two dollars. “Thank you, ma’am, for being so understanding.”
“I wish I’d known,” the woman said. “I’d have given the poor boy his father’s watch the minute I paid for it. I can’t imagine Ermajean being so mean.”
Matt marveled that people could live in a small town for years and know so little about their neighbors.
“Here’s your money,” Ellen said, handing Mabel two bits. “If you don’t mind, Orin and I will accompany you home, so we can get the jewelry box and picture now.”
“Sit down and have a drink,” the judge said to Matt after everyone else had left. “You deserve it. Do you always manage to extricate your boys from trouble that neatly?”
Matt felt so relieved he allowed himself a smile. “No, but Mabel and Wilbur are so determined to take Orin from me, they pounce on any opportunity they find.”
Matt was never to learn what the judge would have said next. The door burst open and Toby practically fell into the room.
“Where is Orin?” he asked, breathless. “They said the sheriff was going to put him in jail for stealing. The sheriff doesn’t have him. I asked.”
“You can begin by apologizing to the judge for bursting into his room without knocking,” Matt said.
“Sorry, sir,” Toby said to the judge, “but they said Mrs. Jackson brought Orin here.”
“She did, but the trouble is all worked out,” the judge replied. “Why don’t you come in and have a seat?”
Toby entered, looking somewhat sheepish. “I’m Toby, sir. I—”
“I remember. You’re the one Mrs. Jackson’s daughter likes to wink at.”
Toby had the good grace to blush before he turned back to Matt. “I know I swore I wouldn’t let Orin out of my sight for a minute. I didn’t mean to lose him.”
“I hope she was very pretty,” Matt said.
“We can’t have any of you getting into any more trouble,” Matt told the four children gathered around the table. “Everything is hanging in the balance for us as well as Hank.”
“When can he come home?” Noah asked.
“I don’t know. Soon, I hope.”
It warmed Ellen’s heart to hear Noah call the ranch home. That was how she felt about it.
“If we want to be a family, we’ve got to start thinking like one,” Ellen said. “I’ve been just as bad as anybody else about letting Matt do all the thinking for us, but this is our family, too. We all have to take responsibility for it.”
“I don’t mind being part of the family,” Toby said. “I ain’t going to be adopted, but I’ll help you adopt the little ones.”
“That’s sweet of you,” Ellen said.
“I’m a sweet guy,” Toby said. “All the girls say so.”
There was no way to keep Toby down for long. He knew he should have kept his eye on Orin, but it was hard to blame him too much after Orin confessed he’d steered Toby toward a girl so he could sneak away. As far as Toby was concerned, if things ended well, they were forgotten. Ellen supposed that was best. It would certainly make for less strain, but she couldn’t forget. They were close to being able to adopt the children, but they weren’t out of the woods yet. She knew Matt would do anything he thought necessary to protect Hank. She just hoped nothing more would happen. Surely once Hank had been examined, there wouldn’t be any question of returning him to his uncle’s custody.
“Just see if you can stay away from girls for a few more weeks,” Matt said to Toby as he stood. “It’s time for everybody to get to bed. We’ve had a long day. Unfortunately, we didn’t get much work done on the garden. Tomorrow it’s up at dawn and no stopping until we get everything planted.”
The children trooped off to bed with a chorus of groans.
“You keep that up and I’ll plant a row of brussel sprouts.”
With assorted “Yucks!” and “Ughs!” the kids ran to their rooms, leaving Matt and Ellen facing each other across the room.
“We have a lot to talk about,” he said. “I’ll make Tess’s story really short.”
Ellen couldn’t keep her mind on the routine of putting the children to bed. She forgot to check behind Noah’s ears, tucked Mrs. Ogden in on the wrong side of the bed, and didn’t remember a word of Matt’s story. She undressed, pulled her nightgown over her head, and jumped into bed, her body stiff with apprehension. She didn’t know what Matt would say, but if he didn’t say he loved her, she was certain she would die.
It seemed like she waited twice as long as usual, but she knew that was nerves. Matt wasn’t one to avoid an issue. Yet when he came into the room, he didn’t say a word. He undressed without blowing out the light. She was so nervous, she couldn’t even enjoy looking at his body. She held her breath when he got into bed. Still, he didn’t put out the light.
He turned over to face her.
“What did you mean when you said you loved me?” Matt asked. His mind had been in a ferment since Ellen told the judge she loved him. He had a thousand questions, none of which he could answer himself. He had to have her answer, her explanation. He braced himself for the admission that she’d only said it to convince the judge to let them adopt the children.
“Just what I said. I love you. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you. I didn’t even know I had until today.”
There was no other way to interpret what she’d said. She had to mean she loved him. He remembered how she’d looked in the judge’s room, saw how she looked now. Still, he couldn’t quite believe it. “It’s not going to change anything if you don’t love me. You can still stay here.”
The covers rustled and the bed lurched as Ellen propped herself up on her elbow, took him by the shoulder, and shook him. “I said I loved you, Matt Haskins. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure it out. You’re exactly the kind of man I was certain I’d never find.”
He wanted to believe her, but it was hard. “What kind of man were you looking for?”
“One who was kind, gentle, thoughtful—”
“Weak.”
“No. It takes a strong man to be kind and thoughtful, a man so sure of himself, he isn’t afraid to show gentleness.”
She had it all wrong. He hadn’t done anything like that.
“You’re the strongest man I know. You’ve stood up to Wilbur, Mabel, the sheriff, this town, anybody who threatened one of your boys. You did it regardless of the cost to yourself. Then you added me and the kids to your burden.”
“You’re not a burden.”
“That’s what makes it so wonderful. I felt like you wanted us here from the first. Now it’s your turn to tell me what you meant when you said your sentiments had undergone a change.”
Did he dare tell her the truth? Did he dare risk letting loose feelings that had been under tight restraint all his life? Most important, could he open himself up to hoping for things he knew he could never have?
He’d already lost that skirmish. Practically from the first day Ellen arrived at the ranch he’d been hoping to discover some way to get her to stay. Even though he knew she could only stay if she loved him—and she could never love him once she knew—he hadn’t stopped hoping that somehow things would work out.
But he couldn’t hold back. If he was ever going to have a chance at love, this was it. It would be terrible to fail to get what he’d never had, but it would be unbearable to think he might have won but lost because he didn’t have the courage to try.
“I meant I loved you,” he said, aware his voice sounded tentative, even breathy.
She remained silent; she didn’t move. She waited so long to respond, he became aware he was holding his breath
. He let it out slowly, forced himself to breathe normally.
“When did you start to love me?” she asked finally.
He couldn’t tell if she was happy or unhappy. “I always liked you, even through that uproar about the Lowells. I know what it’s like when people jump to conclusions, but I guess I fell in love with you because everything about your being here seems right.”
Hell, she didn’t want to hear that. She wanted to be told about her eyes, her nose, how her hair reminded him of corn silk. Why hadn’t he paid attention when Isabelle tried to teach the boys how to talk to women?
Taking care of the kids was as important to you as it was to me,” he said, desperate to find some reason that wouldn’t make her angry. “You even, learned to like Toby, despite his not wanting you here.”
This didn’t sound romantic. What did you say to a woman that would make her love you no matter what you’d done in the past? She wasn’t responding. She wasn’t even saying he was doing everything wrong. He searched his mind for something Isabelle would have wanted to hear.
“I like having you here,” he said. “You fit, like you’ve always been here. I find it hard to remember what it was like before you came. I like seeing you across the table when we eat. I like it when you kiss Tess or give Noah a hug. I like sleeping in this bed with you, especially when you let me kiss your forehead or put my arm around you. I don’t feel so alone then.”
She still hadn’t said anything. Fool! Couldn’t he think of anything to say that would make a woman want to love him? He’d watched Jake, Ward, and Buck for years. Even Chet and Sean had learned how to talk to their wives without sounding like tongue-tied cow-pokes. But he hadn’t listened. He’d been certain it would never apply to him.
“I don’t feel strong.” He was babbling now, saying the first thing that came to his mind. “I won’t back down from Wilbur—not when it’s to protect the boys—but it’s been much easier since you’ve been standing with me.”
Silence. She hadn’t moved. It was almost as though she’d gotten so disgusted she’d simply disappeared. He didn’t know what else to say. All his life he’d watched women but not talked to them. Not like this.
Then he heard her sniff. She was crying. Great. He’d made her so unhappy, she would pack her bags tomorrow, take the kids, and head back to Bandera. He reached over and took her hand in his. When she squeezed it back, he found the courage to speak.
“I don’t know how to talk to a woman. I didn’t think anybody could ever love me. When you said you did, I didn’t know what to say.”
She pulled his hand to her lips and kissed it. “What you said was just fine.”
“But you’re crying.”
“With happiness.”
Isabelle said women did that, but he never understood it. It made him worry they were trying to hide something they didn’t want him to know. He reached up to touch her cheeks. They were wet with tears. He panicked. “Are you sure you’re happy?”
“Blissfully.”
He felt like he’d been tossed twenty feet by a wild bronco. He was so dizzy, his brain wouldn’t work. “Do you think you’re happy enough to stay here on the ranch?”
“Just try and run me off.”
He hoped she meant she wouldn’t go if he did, but he wasn’t trusting his understanding anymore. “Does that mean you’ll operate your hat-making business from here?”
“If I can find the time.”
More panic. If she couldn’t find the time, she wouldn’t want to stay. “The boys and I can do more. I know having Hank here will mean more work, but it’ll also mean another pair of hands to help. We can handle the garden. You won’t have to do a thing. You can—”
“You don’t understand, do you?”
He felt like an idiot. This was his only chance, and he was messing it up without even knowing how he was messing it up. “What don’t I understand?”
“I want to do the housework. I want to help Tess with the cow and Noah with the chickens. If you try to keep me out of that garden, my garden, you’re going to have a fight on your hands.”
Matt couldn’t believe it. If he was interpreting what she was saying correctly, he hadn’t messed up at all.
“I don’t want you to do everything for me,” Ellen said. “You just said it was nicer to stand up to everyone when I stood with you. Well, the same goes for me.”
“You really want to stay here?”
“Yes.”
“You won’t mind if they let me adopt Hank?”
“I’ll be delighted if they let us adopt Hank.”
“But you’ll want to keep making hats?”
“If I have time. But there will be the children to look after and babies to take care of.”
“Babies?”
“Yes, babies. Our babies. You do want children, don’t you?”
No man could ask for greater proof of a woman’s love. She hoped to have his children. It was like saying she loved him so much, thought he was so wonderful, she wished to surround herself with more of him. “Yes, I do want children.”
She reached over and blew out the lamp. “Then why don’t we do something about it?”
Chapter Twenty-two
Ellen couldn’t believe she had practically asked Matt to make love to her. It was ironic, considering how she would have acted if he’d so much as touched her a few weeks earlier. Considering how she felt now, she didn’t know how she’d managed to sleep in the same bed with him all this time and keep her distance.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
It was sweet but rather frustrating that he needed to be assured she wanted him to act like a husband. “Very sure.”
At least she thought she was. She’d never made love to a man. April said it wasn’t anything special. Tulip said it was dreadful if it wasn’t with the right man, but Tulip had never found the right man. Ellen’s cousin had said it was a bother, but you had to put up with it. Maybe Mrs. Lowell thought it was nice. She’d certainly kicked up a fuss when she thought her husband had begun to look elsewhere.
No matter the truth of it, Ellen had committed herself. She couldn’t turn back. But she didn’t want to turn back. She loved Matt. She couldn’t think of anything more wonderful than giving herself to him completely.
“I’ve never made love to a woman before.”
Ellen couldn’t believe her ears. “But you’re thirty years old.”
“I couldn’t stand to be touched. It made me think of my uncle. It made me feel sick or so angry I wanted to hurt somebody. Why else do you think I could agree to share my bed with a beautiful woman like you and not touch you?”
“But you have touched and kissed me. You’re touching me now.”
“That’s when I knew I loved you.”
It was a little unnerving to realize Matt didn’t know any more about making love than she did, but it was wonderful to know that she was the first woman he wanted to touch. After a lifetime of being pushed willy-nilly by people and circumstances, it was empowering to know she alone could bring this man into the full realization of his physical nature.
“It can’t be so hard,” Ellen said. “Even teenagers figure it out.”
“Maybe I should wake Toby and ask him.”
Ellen giggled. “Don’t you dare. Do you think…”
“I hope not.”
Matt moved his fingers over her face, touching it, brushing it with his fingertips, as though trying to memorize it the way a blind man might. He caressed her lips, feathered her jaw, brushed her eyebrows, and skimmed along the curve of her nose. “You’re beautiful.”
“You can barely see me in the dark.”
“You feel beautiful.”
She didn’t think that was possible, but she didn’t intend to argue with him. She pulled his other hand down to her bosom. She didn’t understand how it had repulsed her so when Eddie Lowell put his hands on her or one of the men in the saloon touched her. When Matt touched her, it was wonderful and exciting.
She l
iked the idea of sharing something with him no other woman could ever share. She might not be the only woman he would make love to in his life—she didn’t want to think about that—but she would always be his first. And he would be her first.
He continued to run his fingers over her skin, along the side of her neck, across her shoulders, down her arm, back up across her breasts. Her body shivered with excitement. Chills chased each other across her skin. Her muscles went all tight and achy. It was an odd feeling, but delicious. Her breasts became more sensitive to the feel of the fabric across her nipples, to Matt’s hand between them.
Matt leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. She took his face in her hands and pulled him down until their lips met. Like two butterflies, their lips brushed softly against each other, then pulled back, hovering. Ellen ran her tongue over her lips, certain they had been changed forever.
Matt again lowered his lips and took her mouth in a gentle, lingering kiss. Once again they pulled back, tasting, savoring, yet eager for more.
Another kiss, this more like exploration—tasting, nibbling—their tongues reaching out for more. Ellen was certain she could never get enough of Matt’s firm, sensual mouth. She had waited so long, admired him so much, she’d built up a hunger that couldn’t be satisfied quickly. She wanted to spend hours and hours exploring.
But Matt had other ideas. Without warning, he withdrew his hand from her grasp, pulled her into a crushing embrace, and kissed her with the hunger of a man who’d been allowed to see the prize but not seek it for himself. There was nothing gentle or self-effacing about him now. She felt like he wanted to devour her. He crushed his mouth against hers with such force, she was certain her lips would be bruised. He held her body so tightly, it threatened to crack her ribs. She knew he was strong. She hadn’t known how strong.
But while her brain took time to adjust to what was happening, her body knew immediately. It magnified every sensation until she thought she might explode. How was it possible to feel so much from a single embrace?
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