If she never forgave him, he’d have only himself to blame. “I’ve got something to tell you.”
“Don’t sound so serious. We don’t have to worry about children quite yet.”
“It’s not that. It’s about something I did a long time ago.”
“What was it?”
“You’re not going to like it.”
“Stop sounding so serious. You didn’t murder anyone.”
“That’s exactly what I did.”
Chapter Twenty-three
Ellen felt the breath go out of her lungs. “What?”
“I killed a man.”
She remembered Hollender and how much it had taken for Matt to become violent. “If you did, I’m sure it was in self-defense.”
“Not exactly.”
She felt her body go rigid. “What do you mean not exactly?”
“I stabbed him in the back eleven times. I wanted to make sure he was dead.”
Ellen could hardly believe what she was hearing. There must be some explanation. “What happened to him?”
“I threw him in the pigpen. I wanted to let the pigs have him, but Will was crying, so I buried him.”
Coming so soon after making love, the shock was like a dozen fists pummeling every part of her body. Her limbs went numb, and her body grew so cold she shivered. She saw again the man who’d murdered her parents, felt once again the hatred that had filled her after finding their bodies. She remembered that she wanted him dead, that she found a gun, that she …
She pushed the memory back into the corner where it had lain hidden for ten years. That was over. Forgotten. This was now.
Ellen sat up in the bed. She had to do something to make this nightmare go away. She realized she was naked, that she was gripping her arms across her breasts. She reached for her nightgown and pulled it over her head. She got up, slid it over her body. She stayed up, too jumpy to consider lying down again.
“Was it a rustler? You better not have scared me out of my mind over a rustler.”
“He wasn’t a rustler. He was my uncle.”
This had to be the uncle who’d abused him, but you ran away from people like that. You didn’t stab them in the back eleven times. This couldn’t be the man she knew. There had to be something more, some reason.
“Why did you do it?”
“He started after Will. I told him to leave Will alone, but he wouldn’t.”
“Why didn’t Will stop you?”
“Nobody could have stopped me. I wanted him dead.”
“Why didn’t you run away?”
“Nobody wanted a boy like me.”
Ellen started to say that was absurd, that not even young boys got that out of control; then the image of Matt with his hands around Wayne Hollender’s throat filled her mind. She saw Hollender’s face grow dark, his eyes protrude, heard his terrible gasps. She saw Matt’s face, a mask of pure hatred.
Was there a madman inside Matt? Had that attempt to kill Hollender been a warning she had not taken seriously enough, been distracted from too easily?
She looked at Matt. He was sitting up in bed, watching her, his face illuminated by moonlight coming through the window. He was a woman’s fantasy come true. He was gorgeous. He was strong. He was compassionate and caring. He was responsible and utterly dependable.
Yet inside him lurked a murderer.
The face of the man who’d murdered her parents in a fit of rage forced itself out of the corner where she’d hidden it. He had cursed her when she identified him. He had cursed her again when he was led to the gallows. He had said she would be damned for life.
Was this her curse? To fall in love with a man who had also murdered in a fit of rage?
“What did you do afterward?” She didn’t know how she managed to get the words out. Her throat felt strange.
“We burned his things and told people he went away and left us. That’s when they put us in the orphanage.”
Ellen felt numb. Too exhausted to think. Matt was a murderer, and she had made love to him.
She had to think. But the first thing she had to do was get out of this room. She couldn’t stay here, not with him looking at her like she was his last hope. “I’ll make some coffee,” she said, moving toward the door.
“You’re going to leave me, aren’t you?”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have to think.”
“I shouldn’t have made love to you. Then you’d never have had to know.”
With a sob, Ellen turned and fled.
The last few days had been a strain on the children. They knew something was wrong when Ellen moved Tess into the bed with her and Matt slept in the room with Noah. The kids had enjoyed it at first. Noah felt more grown up, sharing a room with Matt. Tess enjoyed snuggling up to Ellen when she felt scared. Despite their excitement at the new arrangements, they sensed the tension. Their smiles grew forced; their laughter disappeared.
Toby and Orin knew immediately. Orin talked less, didn’t smile at all, and stayed close to Matt. Toby became openly hostile to Ellen. Matt tried to soothe his anger by telling him the trouble was his fault, but Toby didn’t believe him.
“I’m no fool,” he shouted, looking from Ellen to Matt. “You been tiptoeing around her like she was a queen ever since she got here. Whatever she wanted, she got. She didn’t want to cook, you cooked. She didn’t want to clean up, Orin and I cleaned up. She wanted a garden, we dropped everything and put in a garden. She wanted a new dress, you gave her money. Everything was perfect until she came here.”
Ellen’s behavior didn’t help the situation. She avoided looking at Matt, spoke only when she had to. She took over all the housework, but Matt knew she did it to keep him outside as much as possible.
They’d only had one real talk since that night. One morning, after the children had left the breakfast table to attend to their chores, he’d asked Ellen if she meant to stay until the adoptions were final. She said she would, that Tess and Noah were just as important to her as Toby and Orin were to him.
“What about Hank?”
“I don’t know,” she replied. “Maybe they’ll let Jake and Isabelle keep him.”
“You’ve changed your mind about running your shop from the ranch?”
She had looked at him then. “I can’t stay here, Matt, not knowing my husband is a … what you did.”
“It won’t happen again.”
“How do you know? You would have killed Hollender if we hadn’t pulled you off him.”
He didn’t think he would have killed him, but he didn’t know.
“The boys need you,” he said. “I need you. I love you.” He’d seen the pain in her face as she turned away.
“Don’t say that.”
“Not saying it won’t change anything.”
She’d gone to the window, looked out at Tess and Noah on their way back to the house with the eggs and a bucket of milk. “Matt, I can’t keep talking about this. If you make me, I’ll have to leave now. The thought of killing someone, especially with a knife, makes me sick to my stomach.”
“I was sick for a month afterward. I had nightmares for years.”
After that she refused to talk about it.
Matt told himself he should be relieved that all his questions were finally answered. He wasn’t even sure her love for him had lasted through that first night. She didn’t hate him, but she was afraid of him. A woman should never have to live with a man who frightened her.
He could forget any possibility of a real marriage to Ellen. He’d known she would react this way, but to know it and to experience it were two very different things.
And while his mind realized that she had been lost to him forever, his heart continued to hope she would change her mind. He felt that as long as she remained at the ranch, there was a chance, regardless of how remote.
He threw himself into his work to keep from thinking about what he’d lost. He was grateful Drew had sent him some particularly difficult hors
es. Concentrating on not getting killed helped keep his thoughts off Ellen.
The nights were the worst. There was nothing then to distract him. Not even fatigue. He could be so tired he wasn’t hungry and could barely drag himself to bed, but he lay awake half the night trying to devise ways to convince Ellen to stay. It didn’t matter that he knew it would be a greater torture to have her at the ranch than in San Antonio. He simply couldn’t let go. He’d come so close. His mind said no, that there had never been a chance Ellen would stay once she knew he had killed his uncle. But his heart wouldn’t accept that.
So the battle raged on. He got little sleep, less rest, and no peace of mind. He was almost relieved when the sheriff showed up.
“You’re not going to like what’s happening,” he said.
“I haven’t liked anything else,” Matt said, feeling almost too tired to care. “What is Wilbur up to now?”
They stood at the corral, watching Toby and Orin work one of the horses. A stiff breeze rustled the leaves of the maples and cottonwoods that bordered the nearby creek. Matt expected they’d get some rain before long.
“Wilbur talked Mabel Jackson into convincing her husband he ought to call in your loan.”
“He can’t do that.”
“Wilbur says you’re outside the law now that you’re sheltering a runaway. He says Tom Jackson can’t be seen to be supporting anyone like that. He’s even threatening to tell the townspeople to take their money out of Tom’s bank.”
“And where are they going to put it, given Tom’s is the only bank in Bandera?”
“That’s more than I know, or Wilbur for that matter.”
“What else?” Matt asked. “I can tell there’s more.”
“There always is when Wilbur’s concerned,” the sheriff said. “He was furious when the judge agreed to let Hank stay with your parents. He talked that Hollender fella into going to San Antonio and getting a judge there to overrule our judge.”
“When is the judge supposed to make his ruling?”
“He’s already made it. Hank is to go back to his uncle.”
Matt was surprised he didn’t feel panic and helplessness. All he felt was a simmering anger that Hank’s life could be sacrificed in the name of justice. He would go to San Antonio and lay the case before the judge. If that didn’t work, he’d decide what to do next.
Hank would never be forced to go back to the man who’d abused him.
“Thanks for coming. I know you didn’t have to.”
“I’m sick of Wilbur running people’s lives. If you see how to put a spoke in his wheel, I’ll be glad to lend a hand.”
“You can start by keeping an eye on these boys while I talk to Ellen. I’d like to ride back into town with you.”
In the few minutes it took him to reach the house, he marshaled his argument for why Ellen should go with him. He wasn’t surprised when she refused.
“I can’t leave the children,” she said.
“Leave them with Mrs. Ogden.”
“What about Orin and Toby?”
“We can send them over to Jake and Isabelle.”
“Who’ll do the chores, milk the cows? No, Matt, it’s better if I stay here with the children. Why don’t you ask Isabelle to go with you? She’s better at talking to people like judges. They make me nervous.”
“It’ll look better if the woman at my side is my wife.”
He’d argued the whole time he packed, but she remained firm.
“What will you do if the judge doesn’t change his mind? I know you won’t let Hank go back to his uncle.”
“I guess I’ll have to take the boys and leave.”
“Where will you go?”
“There are plenty of places out west. Luke’s out there somewhere. So’s Pete. Hawk and Zeke come and go at least once a year, and Bret has a ranch in Wyoming.”
“But you love your ranch.”
“I won’t have to stay long, just until Hank and Orin are old enough to be on their own.”
“But that will be five years. What’ll happen to your ranch?”
“Jake will take care of it. He’ll take care of you and the kids, too. You can stay here.”
“I couldn’t do that. I’d feel like I’d run you off.”
“I’m hoping it won’t come to that.” Then he told her about Tom Jackson’s threat to call in the loan on his ranch.
“He can’t,” Ellen exclaimed.
“I plan to give him several reasons why he shouldn’t.”
“This ranch means everything to you. You’ve poured your life into it.”
“It’s not nearly as important as you and the children. I’d give it up without a regret if I could have you.”
That had been the end of the conversation. Ellen had left him to finish his packing. She was busy working in the garden when he rode out.
Matt sat across from Tom Jackson. He’d refused his offer of whiskey but said he wouldn’t mind a glass of brandy. He knew Tom kept expensive brandy for himself. He also knew Tom hated to share it with anyone.
It was obvious Tom hadn’t expected Matt to come see him so soon, that he was uncomfortable facing him. Matt tried to feel sympathy for this man. It couldn’t be easy putting up with constant pressure from his wife and Wilbur. Instead he got angry. A man was supposed to have the courage to stand up for what he thought was right. A man who didn’t stand up for himself wasn’t a man. It was about time Tom found out what he was made of.
“I don’t know who told you I was going to call in your loan,” Tom grumbled. “It’s just something I’ve had to think about.”
Matt let him pretend. It didn’t change anything.
“I hate that this has come up,” Tom said as he handed Matt a glass with just a little less brandy than was polite to serve a visitor, “but a bank has got to back the laws of the community, and you’ve been stepping on them right regular recently.”
“I’ve broken no laws,” Matt said. “Everything I’ve done has been approved by the sheriff or the judge.”
“But you’ve gone against public opinion,” Tom pointed out. “A banker can’t afford to ignore public opinion.”
So that was the tack he was going to take. Matt smiled to himself. Tom had just waded into swampy ground. Few things were more undependable than public opinion.
“Tom, I didn’t have to come to you for this loan. Jake offered to pay cash for my ranch, but I wouldn’t let him. My brothers offered to put up the money, but I refused that. I could have gone to the Randolphs and gotten a loan at half the interest I’m paying you. I didn’t do any of that because I wanted to stand on my own two feet. I wanted to be part of this community. I also came to you because I thought I would be working with an honest man.”
Tom Jackson had the decency to turn red.
“I still think you’re an honest man who tried hard not to give in to pressure from his wife and his minister.”
“It’s nothing like that,” Tom said, jerking up in his chair. “This is a purely business decision.”
“Tom, I’m not a fool. I know exactly why you’re doing this, and so does everyone in the whole county. You do it, and it’ll ruin you.”
“One loan won’t ruin me,” Tom said, angry. “I could forgive every cent of it right now and hardly feel it.”
“I’m sure you’re right, but I wasn’t talking about that.”
“What were you talking about?” Tom asked irritably. He clearly didn’t like being forced into a corner.
“If you call in my loan, everybody in Bandera County—no, everybody from as far north as Fredericksburg, south to Uvalde and San Antonio, and east to Austin—will know you’ve broken your word. Nobody will want to do business with you because they’ll know their loans wouldn’t be safe, either.”
“Now see here, Matt, don’t you threaten me. I’ve got a solid reputation with every man who’s ever walked into my bank.”
“You won’t if you cancel my loan for no reason.”
“I didn’t
say I was going to. If I did—”
“If you did, I’d have to look somewhere else. Of course, before I could do that, Isabelle and Jake would know what happened. Jake would probably limit himself to getting the family to withdraw their money, but Isabelle’s not one to let things lie. She’s generally a peaceable woman, but she doesn’t like injustice. Nor is she one to shrink from calling a spade a spade.”
“I’m well acquainted with your mother.”
“I don’t think you are. In fact, I’m quite sure you don’t want to be. I love the woman dearly, but I’m a little afraid of her myself.”
“I didn’t think you were afraid of anybody, even Wilbur Sears.”
“Wilbur doesn’t come up to Isabelle’s knees.”
“I’m sure he’d love to know your opinion of him.”
“Getting back to my loan,” Matt said, “if you were to cancel it, I’d have to go look somewhere else. The most likely place would be the Randolphs. I’m sure you know who they are. Jeff and Madison are the two most connected with business, but I expect Hen, Monty, and Tyler know a thing or two. Of course, George keeps an eye on everything.”
Tom swallowed his brandy in one gulp and poured himself some more. “What’s your point?”
“Well, they’re old friends of the family. Jake and George served in the war together. We’ve been on several cattle drives with them. I rode on three myself.”
“Okay, you’re friends.”
“They’ll be glad to give me a loan. Probably wouldn’t even charge me interest, being family friends and all, but I expect they’d be right irritated. And sort of pleased at the same time.”
“That doesn’t make sense,” Tom said.
“Well, they’d be irritated you called in my loan. You see, they’re right big on justice, too. But they’d be pleased, because they’d be getting all the family’s business then, not just part of it. And of course they’d probably see it as an opportunity to open their own bank in Bandera.”
Tom tried to down his second glass of brandy, but apparently his throat was too tight. He sputtered and set the glass aside. He knew he couldn’t compete with the Randolphs.
Matt (The Cowboys) Page 29