by Marilyn Grey
I love you.
Take it or leave it, I decided to love her whether she loved me or not. Not like I could help it anyway.
Ch. 3 | Heidi
I couldn’t sleep for the fifth night in a row. So I told Patrick to sleep on my bed and I’d wake him up an hour before he needed to leave for work. Seeing him in my bed was strange. Along with the help of my friends, Matt and Gavin, I painted the entire house in colors that reminded me of my relationship with Andy. I told myself I’d never let another man sleep in my bed. And I thought the meaningful paint in every room would help that, but it didn’t. Patrick was right. What we had was different. Special. I can’t even explain it, but whatever we had was better than what Andy and I had when our love story was in its cute stage. For a while I lived in denial about the last year of our life together. I erased the bad parts from my heart and chose to remember only the good, but Patrick, warm in my bed, the bed I shared with Andy, made me question all I ever believed about love.
I cooked breakfast. Perfect view of the snow-covered yard while I prepared two plates of French toast and scrambled eggs. Riley babbled in her high chair, banging wooden toys together and sipping my milk from her cup. I smiled at her. She smiled back. Andy’s smile. She looked just like her daddy.
I set the plates on the kitchen table, picked up Riley, and went upstairs to wake Patrick. He adjusted to the light, asked the time, and came downstairs with me. I put Riley back in her chair and walked to the front door.
Snow. I loved winter. I opened the door, stepped out in my bare feet, and inhaled.
“Are you crazy?” Patrick said from the kitchen. “Close the door.”
I took a deep breath again. The freshness of the white morning made me smile. I love winter like most people love spring. Something about icicles dangling from bare branches makes me feel like living.
A figure caught my eye in the vacant house across the street. I took a step.
“You coming?” Patrick said.
“Yeah.” I squinted. The figure backed away from the window.
I went back inside and sat across from Patrick. He took a bite and complimented my cooking. I looked around him to the front windows.
“Everything okay?” he said. “Are you that enamored with the snow?”
“I saw someone in the house over there. Looking at me.”
“You’re freaking out over nothing. Get those dreams out of your head.”
“The house is supposed to be vacant right now. No one lives there.”
“It’s probably a realtor or something.”
“Maybe.” I dipped my crunchy French toast in maple syrup and took a bite. “Maybe I am crazy.”
“Probably.” He smiled.
“Or maybe I’m not.” I looked around the room, then whispered, “Andy was in trouble with some people before he died. I can’t say anything else, but my fears are legitimate.”
Patrick stopped chewing and set his fork down. “Are you kidding me? What is this? A James Bond movie?”
“It’s not like that, but it involved a scandal and some money and, I don’t know, Andy got really into conspiracy theories the last year of his life and I think his paranoia is rubbing off on me.”
“What? You think the man behind the curtain is out to get you?”
“Don’t make fun of me.” I looked down. “I’m serious.”
He touched my hand from across the table. The hand that still wore Andy’s ring.
“Sorry.” He smiled. “I just have a hard time believing in nightmares. Try to forget about it. There’s nothing to worry about.”
Easy for him to say. He wasn’t alone in a big house with an infant most of the day. My own shadow made me jump nowadays.
We finished breakfast and I left when he did. At his request. He told me to get out of the house and visit some friends. I called Miranda, my friend Matt’s sister. She moved to Philly not too long ago and we became close really fast. Maybe because the other girls were married, but also because Lydia was too girly and Ella lived in Lancaster, almost two hours away. I couldn’t spend too much time around her without feeling jealous, so I kept it to a minimum. I know that sounds bad, but I didn’t want anymore reasons to be discontent. I needed to be happy for Riley.
Miranda and I met at a small coffee shop in the city. I didn’t recognize her at first. Last week her hair was the color of a plum, now bright blue.
“Doesn’t that dye ruin your hair?” I said, sitting down across from her.
“Tons of coconut oil and mayonnaise keeps it healthy,” she said in her pretend Irish accent. “Well, healthy-ish.”
“Why blue?”
“Haven’t tried blue yet. Thought I would.” She sipped from a steamy mug and nodded to the drink in front of me. “Got your favorite for you.”
“Thank you.” I warmed my hands with the cup. “How’s your brother?”
“Matt? He’s good. Work is good. Lydia is good. Baby in the belly is good.”
“What about Derek? Are you guys still talking?”
She smiled. “We’re friends.”
“Friends like you and me? Or friends like Patrick and me?”
“To be determined. I think I’m too much for him. He’s so normal.”
I laughed. “And we all know you can’t handle normal.”
“No, but Matt tells me it may be what I need, whether I can handle it or not. What about you? How’s Riley’s leg? What’s it called again?”
“Fibular hemimelia.” I smiled at Riley. Such a content and peaceful baby. “I won’t have another appointment until it comes time for her first surgery. In the summer.”
“What will they do for the first one?”
“Fix her ankle and foot, maybe lengthen a little bit. Then she’ll have another surgery when she’s almost three. That’s when they will start lengthening it more.” My eyes glazed over. “I’m really dreading it. I wake up every day wondering why her. What did I do wrong? I just want it to magically heal and be better. I can’t imagine putting her through all of this.”
“It will be okay. You have a lot of good friends now. What’s going on with Patrick?”
“He told me he loves me.”
“Wow. About time. And?”
“I never said anything back. I can’t.” I held up my hand. The ring glistened in the sunlight. “I’m still married.”
“Man, people think I’m nuts. How long will you spend your life being faithful to a dead man?”
“I said I would forever. I said no man would be worth taking these rings off.”
“Patrick isn’t worth it?”
I took a drink, ignored her question. She let me ignore it and we filled up the rest of our time with meaningless conversation. Which I needed. Too many serious things in my life. My mind needed a rest.
A text from Patrick popped up on my phone. You doing okay, butter?
He called me butter because I put butter on everything. He started calling me buttercup and somehow just went straight to butter.
I texted back. With Miranda. Talk soon.
Miranda and I finished up, cleaned our table, and said goodbye. I nursed Riley in the car and put her in her seat. Three minutes after I pulled out of my parking spot she fell asleep.
I drove around, letting her rest and watching her precious face in the mirror. She had no idea that in less than a year she would be getting the first of many surgeries. Her first birthday was coming up. She was already trying to stand and walk. Her right leg didn’t touch the ground, but that didn’t stop her. Poor thing. Only she didn’t see herself as poor. I needed to stop seeing her that way too. Raise her to see it as a gift and not a curse.
I sniffed. Somehow my life took too many bad turns. It all started with that stupid job of Andy’s. I told him not to do it. Too much stress. Too much time away from home. He insisted. Looking back I could almost see the life drain out of him.
I stopped at a red light and smiled at Riley. She woke and started playing with the toys hanging from her car se
at. I drove to Patrick’s chiropractic office and took Riley inside.
We sat in the waiting area. Television playing the latest news from Mwenye’s school shooting. A friend of Ella’s whose wife claimed he was innocent, but he pleaded guilty and she refused to speak up.
I texted Ella. How’s Tylissa doing?
She responded fast. She is okay. Mwenye’s arraignment or trial, can’t remember … it keeps getting postponed. The media seems to say they are leaning toward death penalty over life in prison. I’m actually at the hospital now. Just parked outside. Visiting Sarah for a few hours with Gavin and James. I’ll text you when I’m out. Love ya! :)
I could relate to Tylissa. I knew the feeling of losing your husband. But Sarah. I couldn’t imagine being burned that bad. I would’ve wanted to die. How horrible to finally get engaged and experience such tragedy before you shared the news with your friends. To lose everything you knew and all that you were. From what Ella told me, Sarah didn’t see it that way. She woke up thankful to be alive, whether she still had her gorgeous face or not. And James stood by her, barely leaving her side since their accident. He even wore her engagement ring on a chain around his neck. It would be a while before she could wear it again.
I wanted that kind of love. So bad. I knew I could have it with Patrick if I wanted it, but does love have room for second chances? Does the heart have the ability to give itself fully to two people? I didn’t want to divide myself in half. I didn’t want to be the second wife. And I didn’t want Patrick to be second best either. I almost wished I would’ve met him before I met Andy, but he’s so much older. I would’ve only been eighteen at the time. He would’ve been mid-twenties. Might not have worked at that point anyway.
What would it be like to let myself fall in love again? I wondered. Would I have another big wedding? Would I wear a white dress? Could I wear a white dress?
No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t imagine. It seemed unnatural. Yet, being with Patrick was the closest thing to natural I’d ever felt.
I sighed, smiled at Riley, and wondered if she would accept Patrick too.
Ch. 4 | Patrick
I finished the last client before my lunch break and walked out to the front desk. A familiar beautiful face smiled at me. Make that two familiar beautiful faces.
I lifted Riley and kissed her cheek. She smiled and tried to grab the chain around my neck.
“Didn’t expect to see you two lovely ladies here,” I said.
Heidi gave me a hug and leaned against the counter. So beautiful in so many ways. Some girls pile on makeup in an effort to try to seem more beautiful than they really are. Not Heidi. She wore light makeup, so light I couldn’t see it, but she swore she put a little on. Enough to highlight her features, but not enough to change them. I loved that about her. She always looked bright and natural, even when she seemed sad. Like now.
“How was your time with Miranda?” I said.
“Good,” she said. “Just talked to Ella in a text. She said Mwenye is probably going to get the death penalty.”
“Doesn’t surprise me. That was the worst school shooting our country has ever had.”
“But he didn’t do it.”
“Well, that’s what Tylissa says. Maybe it’s just a coping mechanism. The guy said himself that he’s guilty. Several times.”
“Yeah. I don’t know. Weird when something like that hits so close to home.”
“He had a pretty interesting past. From what I know at least. All that escaping Africa stuff. Maybe he went crazy.” Riley reached for Heidi. I handed her over. “Wanna go get lunch?”
She nodded. The weight of life bearing down on her. I could see her strength wilting along with her shoulders. I would’ve given anything to make her happy, but she wouldn’t let me.
We drove to a local pizza shop, ordered a Philly cheesesteak, a large cheese pizza, and an order of fries, then talked sparingly between.
I finally axed the small talk. “You never talk about Andy.”
She handed Riley a toy and pretended not to hear me.
“If you want to stay faithful to him then why don’t you talk about him?”
“You don’t talk about Emily either,” she said.
I held up my hand. “I threw my ring out the window last night.”
She almost laughed. “What?”
“I’m serious. Look, I’m not going to pretend to be Gavin’s grandfather, being faithful to his late wife for decades. I loved Emily. I married her. I wanted to grow old with her and die with her.”
“But?”
“But I....” I looked at Riley, then back to Heidi. “I don’t know. I would’ve died for Emily, but she died instead. We never had a normal relationship. I didn’t know my wife would die so young. But she did. And my dreams died with her.” I took her hand in mine. “This is a new dream. It’s like a new life, Heidi. I did love Emily, but my heart died with her and it’s almost as though I’ve been given a new one. I didn’t ask for this. It just happened the first time I saw you. I’m alive again and I want nothing more than to be alive next to you.”
She inhaled and exhaled. “My dreams never came true, so maybe that’s why they won’t die with Andy.”
“What do you mean?”
“We had a romantic beginning. Doesn’t every beginning start off that way? But he started hanging out with his friends more, getting into his job, obsessing over weird things. I kept romance alive by making myself believe what we had was beautiful even when it wasn’t. In my own eyes, I had what Gavin and Ella have. In Andy’s eyes, I don’t know, he just distanced himself from me. I knew he loved me though. It never made sense. Then one day my life changed. He got up for work and I never saw him again. No goodbye. No chance to make it right. Nothing.”
“You’re saying it feels unresolved?”
“I’m saying I gave my heart to him and never got it back. I’m no longer pretending that what Andy and I had was so amazing that no man could make me want to take this ring off.” She made eye contact with me for the first time since we started talking about our ex-spouses. “You are worth it, Patrick. You are more worth it than I ever thought possible.” A tear settled in the corner of her eye. “But I don’t have a heart to give right now.”
I let go of her hand, paid the waiter, and cleaned up the table to make less work for the guy. Riley fussed, obviously bored with the restaurant scene. Heidi took her outside and I came out shortly after.
She sat on a bench, bundled up with Riley. Hat on top of her wind blown hair, she shivered. I helped them to the car and sat in the passengers seat. Emily never let me touch her, and somehow I was okay with that. Initially I was attracted to her, but her problems made me focus more on fixing her than desiring her. I thought I had pretty good self-control, and considering most guys out there, I definitely did, but something about Heidi attracted me to her without my permission. I couldn’t look at her without wanting to hold her hand or pull her into me and kiss her until morning. I hated it though. Pure torture.
Everything about her made me question everything I knew about love. I loved Emily. I know I did. But what is love if the heart falls for someone else so fast? Was it real? Did I even know what love was? Why couldn’t I stay faithful to Emily like Heidi did to Andy, even in the midst of new love staring her right in the face? Does true love stay faithful even after death?
Question upon question. No answers. More than anything, I guess what I feared was if the heart was capable of loving twice and, if so, is it possible for someone to marry the wrong person?
Ch. 5 | Heidi
Patrick and I decided to stop talking about whatever relationship existed between us and live without asking so many questions. Weeks passed as we ignored the growing passion between us. I hid my feelings well, or so I thought, but not well enough. He knew how I felt and that killed me. I couldn’t choose between Andy and Patrick. I almost wished someone could choose for me. I’d wake up two years from now and the decision would be made.
&nb
sp; I washed the dishes as Riley played on a blanket by my feet. Andy’s mom kept leaving messages on my phone asking about her surgery, but I couldn’t bring myself to respond. She never asked about me, only Riley. And my daughter’s leg wasn’t about to become a topic for the gossip train to pass along.
After washing the last dish, I took Riley to the living room, set her down with some wooden blocks, and checked the mailbox. Another cold day. Freezing, really. I grabbed the mail and noticed a figure in the house across the street again. It moved from the window, like the last time.
I closed the door, locked it, and grabbed my phone from the couch. Just as I started to text Patrick I saw a realtor walk out with an older couple. Really losing my mind, I thought.
I sat on the floor with Riley, thinking about my past and considering my future. Earlier in the morning I had looked up the word “love” in the dictionary app on my phone, but I wasn’t satisfied with the results. Defined as either a deep affection or sex. Everything I found reduced love to a feeling. That’s it. A simple feeling or emotion. Nothing more.
I thought of Gavin’s wedding speech. How he described love as Ella, his bride, and life. He said the two went hand-in-hand. It sounded nice. She cried. He cried. His dying grandfather listened from a cot set up beside them. It was romantic and I was happy for them, but it still didn’t make sense to me. This thing called love. Well, it did make sense, but it stopped making sense the day Patrick walked into my life and tempted me to walk away from the life I lived for so long. The life that made sense. At least to me.
Oh, if only Andy could tell me that it’s okay to move on, I thought, then looked at Riley. She smiled and crawled toward me. So much of Andy lived and breathed inside of that little girl. And outside too. Could I really take my rings off?
Too many “what if’s.” Too many disconnected lines. How could love make sense to me? Nothing did anymore. Nothing.
I called Ella.
“Hey, Heidi,” she said, sounding a little too happy.
“I’m so sorry I haven’t returned your call. It’s been a little crazy.”