by Marilyn Grey
It took me a while to come to terms with it, but the more I emailed mystery woman, the more I realized I had to let Heidi go. Matt tried to convince me to shoot for the happily ever after, but I reminded him that my “ever after” is plenty happy, it’s just not what I expected it would be. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I settled for less. It doesn’t mean I gave up on something that could have been beautiful. What it does mean is that I came to terms with reality and gave room for a new one to form. Or so I thought. I needed to meet her to find out.
And so, I emailed her at 9:14p.m.
From: Patrick Wheldon
To: Secret Admirer
Subject: You can’t know until you know
Alright miss nameless wonder, I have a story for you. Once upon a time there was a boy. Silly, stupid boy. He spent his entire life alone, wandering about, kicking gravel, tossing rocks into the water. Waiting. For a girl to wander about, kick gravel, and toss rocks into the water with him.
Girls came. They went. They came. And well, you guessed it, they went.
Silly, stupid boy gave his heart away, not easily, but he did. But there was never a girl silly and stupid enough to give him her heart. So he almost gave up completely on girls, thinking they must all be too serious and smart for someone as stupid and silly as him. Then, some weird, silly, stupid girl walked—sorry, typed—into this life.
She may have been a creepy old man, or a prank played by friends, but he realized one day that he wasn’t happy until they talked—uh, typed.
He realized, you see, that he was stupid enough to fall in love with a woman he never saw with his eyes, but that’s okay, my dear, because the heart doesn’t need eyes to fall in love.
So, I’m ready to know you. To know your name. To touch you. To, dare I say it, kiss you.
If you’ll have me....
Skate park. Tomorrow. Sunset.
I stared at the email on my iPad, my finger hovering above the “send” button, the button that could instantly change my life. And would. Because I hit send and exhaled. A weight lifted. A huge weight I’d been lugging around for years. It lifted and vanished. I choked up, squeezed my forehead, and let one tear loose. A memory from elementary school appeared in my mind. The smell of crayons and construction paper. Glue smeared on my fingers. My teacher helping me wash my hands. The pretty girl next to me who needed her hands washed too. I let her go first. As much as I hated glue on my hands. My teacher smiled and said, “You’ll be a good husband one day.” I’ve made it my goal since that day to be a good man, a man worthy of a good wife. And perhaps, for once, I was about to fall in love with someone who loved me as much as I loved her.
I leaned against the headboard of my bed and waited what seemed like an eternity.
I couldn’t sleep. At all. The entire night. Finally at 8a.m. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until the afternoon. As soon as I got out of bed I checked my email from my phone. Nothing. What if I made the wrong decision? What if Heidi really was the one?
I glanced at the engagement ring on my nightstand, picked it up, and almost regretted my email yesterday, but I thought of Heidi’s words. She cared about me, a lot, but she didn’t love me the way a wife should love her husband, she loved me the way a best friend loves her best friend. Sorry, but I wasn’t interested in best friends anymore. I wanted a wife. My heart couldn’t handle the chase anymore. I wanted to stop running after women and sit down with one, sip lemonade, and enjoy life together.
So, I got myself ready, chewed on some mint gum, and drove around until about an hour before the sun would set. My stomach twisted up in knots when I parked. One other car. Had to be hers. I checked my reflection in the window of the car, then looked toward the skate park. Not a person in sight.
I looked around the park, careful not to look stupid, but saw no one. I waited an hour, skated around, sat in the middle of the park, skated more. Nothing. The sun started to hide its warmth from this side of the world as all of my hope left with it. She never showed up.
I called Miranda.
“Hey,” she said. “What’s up?”
“Are you guys playing a prank on me? This isn’t funny.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about.”
“Your secret admirer?” She laughed.
“It’s not funny. I’m seriously getting pissed now.”
“I talked to Heidi,” she said.
I blinked at the glowing sky, wondering if I wanted to know what she was about to say next. A heart can only take so much rejection.
“She’s doing good,” Miranda’s voice cut through the desired silence. “She said she is ready to tell you what happened soon, but she wants to make sure you know that you can’t be together. She’s been through a lot and she’s not ready for that yet. But,” she said. “I do know who your secret admirer is and let’s just say this . . . she will be there tonight. She left my house five minutes ago. Don’t worry. She’s coming. Just a little notorious for being late.”
“Who is it? Nora?”
“I can’t say.”
“Is it Nora?”
“If it was Nora would you be happy?”
I hung up the phone and almost cried. I didn’t feel that spark with Nora. I didn’t know if I could. Last thing I wanted to do was break another person’s heart. Only one option. I needed to leave before she arrived. Maybe face her later. I didn’t have the energy to crush her dreams. I guess I was hoping it was someone altogether new. Not Nora. Not Miranda. Just something new. Something good.
I stood in the middle of the ramps and rails, saturated in the hues of the golden sun. I looked to the West. Pinks, purples, blues, oranges. A surreal sky, like something out of Photoshop. Then it caught my eye. A single rose on top of an envelope in the middle of the park.
I knelt down, picked it up, and scanned the surroundings. Still no sign of Nora. So I opened the letter and read.
Dearest Patrick,
Did you really think I’d let you get away? The first time I saw you I knew you were something special. I’ll never forget the first time our eyes locked across the room. Before we had our first conversation I knew we were meant to be, and it scared me, everything about it scared me. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t expect it. Naturally, it made me want to run, but I couldn’t. Something pulled me to you and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since that first day.
So maybe you’ll understand why I had to take the secret admirer approach. There was no other way for us to be together. Not with your heartbreak. Not with my issues. So I figured we could keep in touch this way. Get to know each other in a different way. Maybe then you’d understand how much I love you, how much I need you more than I’ve ever needed anything in my life.
Patrick, I’ve been waiting so long to say this. It’s killed me. I’ve wanted to tell you how I’ve felt, but the timing was never right.
It’s right now.
Some love stories don’t make sense, so let’s not try to make sense of this.
Sweet Patrick, you are my life. I can’t wait to be yours. I’m nervous. It feels like the start of my life. And to think . . . all this time we’ve been best friends too. Falling in love inside out.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Confused, I stood and looked around. In the soft light of the sunset, I saw her standing by the gate. Arms at her sides. White shirt hanging off one shoulder. Skateboard at her feet. I squinted. Paralyzed, I couldn’t move closer to see her. To find out if I made the right decision. She didn’t move either. I wanted to run in the opposite direction.
But I took a step, trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach from flipping out. Until I saw her eyes. Then I knew.
I could no longer control myself as I flipped out along with my insides.
I shook my head. “Am I dreaming?”
She shook her head. Tears. All over her face. Her beautiful, precious face.
“How?” I said, inching closer. “
It was you the entire time?”
She nodded. “Pat, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry for everything.”
I fell to the ground, kissed her feet, kissed her ankles, tried my hardest not to cry. She grazed my head with her hand, then tugged my hair and forced me to look at her.
“I love you,” she said, then knelt on the ground in front of me and looked through my eyes, to that place inside a man only the right woman can find. “I gave you my heart a long time ago, Pat. I needed to take care of some things and I feared losing you. So I created this secret admirer. It was all an act. I needed to talk to you, but the timing wasn’t right for us to be together. I’ll explain everything soon, but just know that I lov—”
“Stop, Heidi. Just stop. I don’t think I can handle all of this.” I held back tears and coughed. “Is this real? Am I dreaming?”
Our fingers locked. She closed her eyes and I finally let a few tears go. Still kneeling on the ground, my hand linked with hers, I touched her face with my other hand. Took in every feature from the fullness of her lips to the way her cheekbones highlighted her eyes.
“You’re everything I’ve ever wanted and so much more,” I said as I ran my fingers down to her lips and held them there. “I thought I’d never see you again.” She opened her eyes. The pink and orange sky reflected in them. For a few minutes we stared at each other in silence, her hands enveloped in mine. I wasn’t sure if she wanted me to kiss her. After all we went through, I didn’t want to offend her, but I couldn’t take it anymore. The way she looked at me, through me, like I was a mirror of her very self, an extension of her very soul, made me want to burst into flames so we could melt into one.
I wanted her to be mine. Only mine. For the rest of eternity.
I moved my face closer to hers, then moved back and looked down. Saw the rise and fall of her chest. Her breathing, rapid yet drawn out, proving the passion between us was about to explode.
I grabbed the back of her neck with both hands and pulled her into me. She collapsed in my arms, face pressed into my neck. The softness of her lips lingered on my skin, half-open with her breath sending waves of electricity down my body. Heat pulsed through me, shocking every part of my tired heart from its slumber. We squeezed each other until we could barely breathe, then she pulled back and started to talk, but I moved toward her mouth, tossed my hat to the ground, and steadied myself centimeters from the lips I’d been dying to kiss for so long.
I feared the beginning of our first real kiss, knowing within minutes it would be over. So I stayed there, our breath heavy and slow, mingling with each others in the lavender-scented air. I took it all in. Her lips, begging for mine. Her eyes, gently closed in anticipation. A dogwood tree shedding its white flowers around us. The sun, now rising on the other side of the ocean, offering us a final ray of amber light before saying farewell. Butterflies danced around my stomach, desperate for an opportunity to fly.
I took the opportunity. There, in the sweet passion between us, our lips touched. And touched. And touched. We said goodbye to our history and hello to a new life together. Our paths finally crossed, and with this one action, this one amazing kiss, I knew the two paths would never diverge again. I’d see a thousand more sunsets in her eyes.
Together.
It felt so right. To love. And be loved. All in the same moment.
We stood back. Laughed. Cried. And hugged again and again. The butterflies left us, fluttering up past the trees, somewhere else, to land inside another person longing for love. Another love story to ignite.
We stared at each other under the stars, still on the pavement at the skatepark, reveling in the aftermath of our first kiss, and knowing that there would be so much more to come.
Life never felt so good.
Ch. 31 | Heidi
Days turned into weeks and I swear I felt more in love with him every other millisecond. I told him what happened to Andy, how I finally let go, and how horrible and guilty I felt for falling in love with him while still married. I gave him the full truth and it felt so good to release every chain shackled to my heart. Patrick understood. He sympathized. Encouraged me. And told me he’d help me through everything else in life. Never again would I be alone. He almost made me forget about Riley’s first surgery, but sure enough the day had come. We packed everything for a trip to Baltimore. Pat took off work to come along.
We arrived the night before and unpacked our stuff in a nearby hotel. After putting Riley to sleep I curled up on Patrick’s chest. He swept his hands up and down my arm, finally resting on my hand.
“You okay?” he whispered.
I pressed my fingertips to his. “I’m scared.”
“She will be okay.”
I shook my head. “I’m scared of a lot of things. Of her being put to sleep, of life getting too complicated, of myself. What if I’m making the wrong decision? What if she suffers too much and would have wished I had her leg amputated instead?” I sat up and looked at his concerned eyes. “What if I fail her? What if I can’t do this?”
“I wanted to wait.”
“Wait?”
“I didn’t want to do this right now. I wanted to wait. Make it special. Romantic.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Some love stories don’t make sense. They don’t top the best sellers lists or become classics. People don’t rave about them. They are the three star reviews. Neither here nor there. They don’t go over the top, but they don’t go under either.”
I laughed and kissed his cheek. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, you see, some love stories don’t have a thousand rose petals and pianos in the middle of nowhere to set the mood. They have a dingy hotel room with a sleeping baby about to endure hardships. But it doesn’t matter, right? Because the beauty is inside of us. You and me. Who we are together.” He reached into his pocket. “So I don’t need all that five star shnazz to ask you to be my wife.” He held a box in front of me, then opened it to reveal a sparkly ring. “Heidi, I bought this ring a long time ago. We’ve been through so much and I thought I’d never get to ask you this.” He knelt down on the bed. I sat cross-legged in front of him with an enormous smile on my face.
“Will you be the woman to make me the happiest husband in the world every day for the rest of my life? Will you walk this road with me, even—no, especially—when it gets hard? Will you smile at me every morning for the rest of your life, no matter what happens?” His smile brightened the dim room. “Be my wife, Heidi. Forever.”
I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t cry either. Not even happy years. It was like my happiness reached so high that it surpassed even the joyous tears that normally come on occasions like these. I could only stare back at him, nodding my head and smiling. He slipped the ring on my finger. Beautiful ring, almost looked vintage, but I didn’t notice details. I wanted to look back at him instead.
“Thank you for loving me,” he said, hiding his tears behind a laugh. “You’re the first girl to really love me, all of me.”
“Same to you, Pat.” I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I’ve never experienced anything like this before. It feels so uncanny, to have such a mutual connection. I still can’t believe it.”
He held my face. “Listen to me, we are a team. Everything you face in this life . . . I will be with you. None of that self-sufficient mess anymore, we’re together in everything. Don’t try to hold in your pain anymore. If you’re feeling sad, come to me. If you’re frustrated with me about something, tell me. If you’re happy, smile with me. Okay? I need you and you need me. This is the start of our life together.” He kissed me, still holding my face. “And it’s going to be amazing.”
The doctor explained some things to us as Patrick listened. I tried to, but failed. Riley rested her head against my shoulder as I swayed by the window, shaking. They allowed me to take her to the operating room, but Pat needed to stay behind. I got dressed in the clothes they gave me so I wouldn’t carry germs to the room, then waited
and dreaded putting her to sleep. They gave me the breathing mask to put over her face to induce her sleepiness. A wave of pain crashed against my heart as my babies eyes struggled to stay awake. Her little face staring up at me with no idea about surgeries and pain and machines.
In a little while they would cut her body open and fix her crooked leg. Hurt me almost as much as it would hurt her. Trembling, I willed myself not to cry until Riley fell asleep.
Then her eyes closed and her body went limp.
Through tear-laden eyes I saw the nurse urge me to leave, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let my baby go.
“This is too hard,” I said.
The nurse held my arm, but didn’t say a word.
After a minute, she finally said, “Sweetheart, it’s for the best. Just think, after she heals she will be able to wear a shoe lift on that foot and finally walk and run.”
I kissed my little girl, wetting her cheeks with my tears. A thousand men could break my heart, but it would never compare to the pain I felt for my daughter.
Escorted by a kind nurse, I left my sweet little love bug and met Pat in the waiting room.
I looked at him and immediately burst into tears. “You were the only one with me when she was born, and now you’re the only one here as I say goodbye to her for the longest amount of time I’ve ever been away from her. The two hardest days of my life.”
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. The feeling of being wrapped in the man you adore. No comfort better than that. I took a deep breath and motioned toward the seats in the waiting area. We sat down and he pulled a bunch of things out of our bag.
“What’s this?” I said.
“Well,” he said, handing me a large book. “I can’t take credit for this. It was Ella’s idea, but I thought it was a good one.” He pulled a stack of papers from a bag. “I figured you wouldn’t want to leave the waiting room while she was in surgery, so I thought it would be nice to do something fun. I also wanted it to be memorable, so Ella told me to buy a bunch of craft stuff and we could create a memory book for Riley. We can start at the beginning and leave room for our future together.” He looked into my eyes. “The future of our family. Then once a year we can come back to it and make a page together. The three of us.”