by Leigh Lennon
I try to keep my distance but it is no use; he is just too polite. I, however, never make it past the driveway because I can’t fathom ever being in his house.
“Hard to believe that spring is in full bloom,” he says to me.
I love spring, but it also marks the beginning of a new project I’d always take on with Lorelei. We enjoyed gardening and each year we would spend two weekends together. One at Lorelei’s and the other at my house, weeding and seeding and whatever else our yards needed. It was also an excuse to drink. We would get so much done, but we drank just as much. This would have been the time we would have done our annual whack the bush, as we called it. The name certainly got everyone’s attention.
“Justine, earth to Justine? You okay?”
Lord, I am not going to tear up in front of my sexy neighbor. “Oh, yes, it’s just that, well, I lost someone close to me back in February. We would take time to work on outdoor projects together every year. It is just getting through all the firsts.”
“Oh, I had no idea. I am so sorry. A relative?”
“Sort of, we took her in when she was sixteen, but I have known her since I was five. Lorelei was over here all the time.”
“Husband drives a mint condition 66 Mustang? Dark shoulder-length hair?” I laugh because this is the Mustang he replaced after Lore blew it up. I never knew the reason for the change in cars until recently, and this little fact makes me chuckle at the memory of my best friend.
“Yes, that was my best friend. You have a good memory.”
“Well, more like a love for classic cars. I am so sorry for your loss.”
“Thanks, Jake. We would have more of a girls’ weekend. It was our weekend to be silly but productive. We got a lot done, but we drank a lot. Well, more than a lot.”
“Well, if you need someone to drink with, I can surely help you in that department.”
I laugh. I can’t help indulging the memory of Nick bringing his bottle of whisky over to me that night he found me alone on the porch. I sit down on my steps as Jake sits near me. “Seriously, Justine, I am sorry. I don’t tell many people this, but I lost my parents at a young age. All I have left is my sister, who now lives in Florida. I threw myself into my business, a tech start-up. I had to leave my little small town in North Carolina because the walls started to close in on me with bad memories. I have done well for myself since their passing, but I certainly would give back all that success in order to have my parents back in my life, especially my mom. I do understand a loss that great.”
“Wow, I am sorry. I hate that you lost your parents so young.” This is another similarity that Nick and Jake have.
“I know. But, with all this sad talk, I think it’s time for a beer. Let me run over and grab us some.”
“I am pretty particular with my beer. I have some in my fridge, go ahead and help yourself, but be sure to grab me one,” I say.
I am in a daydream when I hear a familiar voice call for my attention. “Justine.” I look up to see Nick. I am speechless. “Hey there.”
Before I can get any words out I hear Jake walking out of the house. “You do it up right, Justine.” I see in his face that he immediately recognizes Nick.
I look at each guy, completely uncomfortable. Jake finally says, “Nick, right? I remember you from the closing.”
“Yes. How is the house treating you?”
“It’s a great house. I really like it,” he finally says. “Hey, I am going to leave you two to catch up, and we can do beers another day. Thanks for listening.”
All I can do is nod at him as he walks away and leaves the beers on the railing of the porch. As I look at Nick, he doesn’t seem bothered by my sexy neighbor being in the house at all, but why would he? He certainly has no claim to me.
“Nick, what are you doing here?” I say, clenching my jaw.
“I want to talk to you, but really talk with you this time. I know more than just talking, I need to listen, too. I am not ready to say goodbye to us, and being away has shown me this.”
Taking in a deep breath, I say, “I feel like a yo-yo with us. I never know when we are at a high or low until it is way too late.”
“Can we talk? I can’t give up on us without a fight. I know that because as I walked up here and saw your neighbor near you, I was fearful I lost you. I know I bear the majority of the fault, but I love you and I want to be with you.”
I laugh. To break the ice, I continue, “Apparently, from the day you bought the house, it was decreed that only hot, sexy singles can live there.”
He smirks at my attempt to be funny, but ignores the statement about Jake. “Can we give it a try?”
I motion to the house and follow him in, leaving the two beers still on the railing.
He looks at the new décor, the polar opposite of his large rustic couch. In the den, I picked a loveseat and sofa set that looked as if it is out of the 1960s. Along with the sofas, I complemented the furnishings with vintage sixties artwork and Norman Rockwell paintings. “Very Mad Men,” he remarks with sarcasm. It is obvious by his reaction he hates the new look. Like I fucking care!
“I know. I was looking for something completely different. The kids hate it.” I don’t care about the sofa at this point or if Nick even likes it. I’m not ready to move on, but the physical ache he has left in me when he abandoned me is finally starting to subside. When I saw him, my heart overflowed with this same feeling again. As much as I still love him, I can’t seem to get over the pain.
He walks over to the mantle that still has a picture from Thanksgiving of the two of us. “You still have this out?” We weren’t together more than six months, but he left a forever imprint in my heart and that won’t go away in a matter of months.
“I couldn’t bear to part with it just yet,” I admit. Then anger fills my heart as I bite the inside of my mouth. “Nick, what do you want from me?” My voice mimics the bitterness I feel toward him.
“Another chance,” he says bluntly. “There is no need to sugar coat it. I miss you. I made a terrible mistake.”
“I can’t trust you, though. When it gets hard, you lash out at me or run. How can we build trust on that?” I tilt my head from side to side, as if I am actually weighing my choices. Deep breaths catch in my chest, acting as if my heart is acting up on me. Just the idea of him causing this type of hurt again creates great anxiety within me.
“Justine, I need to talk, really talk. Just me for right now.”
“All right, but it is only 11:00 a.m., and I can’t do this on an empty stomach.” I need strength and substance.
“Pizza?” he suggests and looks around. “Where are the kids?”
“Rose is with Jones. She took Margarite and Ryan’s boys to the circus. My mom has Madeline, and Kai is helping Rafe and Ryan set up the twins’ room.”
I place an order with my favorite Italian restaurant. “So, Hildy is having two girls.” He adds, “You two still not talking?”
“How did you know?” I ask as I widen my eyes. He has been gone for over a month.
“Justine, through you I became friends with these people. I don’t hear much from Rafe because he blames me for a lot of what went down, but Hildy and Ryan text me quite often. And by the way, Ryan is up my ass over the two of us.”
“I’m glad I am not the only one,” I say as I sit on the loveseat and Nick on the sofa.
He squirms and finally says, “Justine, these aren’t that comfortable, you know that, right?” Again with the damned sofas, there is so much more to discuss than them. It is as if Nick sees the look of frustration appear on my face. He looks at me and says, “I was so stupid. I think of Ryan and know he will never have a second chance, but we do.”
“If it were that simple,” I state in a matter-of-fact way.
Nick looks deflated. “You don’t think so.”
“I miss you, Lord help me I do. But Nick, you have hurt me, so badly. It’s about trust. I needed you and you left me.”
“But I am her
e now. Doesn’t that count?” He locks those fucking mocha eyes with mine and I have to look away or I will fall quickly into his trance.
“How do I know you won’t leave me again?”
“You don’t. I can tell you time and time again, but only regaining your trust will prove that. I am telling you, though, I won’t leave you again.”
“I thought I would be the one to screw up. Not you.” I laugh.
“It’s in your hands, sweetheart. I don’t expect to move my stuff back in the house today, but I am committed to making it work.” We sit with forced chit chat until the pizza arrives.
“No eating on the new couch,” I say as I walk to the dining room table. “I want to keep my uncomfortable couch pretty.” Grabbing cold beers, we sit down at the table and open the pizza. “You didn’t ask me if I’ve dated.”
He laughs at me. “I think I might have interrupted the beginning of something earlier.”
“Jake, well, he knew I was getting over something. He has been a friend, and I have been pretty lonely. What about you?”
“No, I couldn’t even think of anyone else. I am crazy about you. I’m moving back in a week. I signed a lease on a little house today.”
“Really?”
“Well, I am hoping it is very temporary.”
“Nick…”
“No pressure, but after sitting on that couch, I really wish I would have left my super comfy rustic sofas here.”
“Not one more mention of my fucking couches, Nick. You left me, so if you are uncomfortable maybe it’s your fucking guilt and not what you are fucking sitting on,” I say, not holding back my anger.
He doesn’t say a word at my ability to use that word so many times in one thought-provoking sentence. He looks at my finger, which is devastatingly empty, and sadness forms on his face.
“I still have it. I was never sure what to do with it. I guess I will eventually return it to you.”
“I don’t want it back. I only want you,” he says, grabbing my hand. “I was wrong on so many counts. I told you that I had a bad temper, and you were unfortunately on the receiving end. I buried that way beneath me, but I have realized through hurting you that I need help. And this will sound like an excuse, but I don’t want to hurt you, and my temper, it unleashes like the worst plague known to mankind.”
I take in a deep breath and look away from Nick for a couple minutes before I start to talk. “Do you know how much I want to believe you? My biggest fear in life is being left again and you promised me. No, it was more than a promise.”
I begin to really ponder the word that would fit. Finally, I say, “No, you vowed to me you would never leave me if it got so hard and rough, but you left.” I wipe away a tear. I refuse to cry in front of this man. “Then you left me here in a house we fixed up together. Do you not realize there is so much of you here? And you left me that damn big bed. I don’t know how to sleep in that huge bed by myself. For the first month, I slept up in Rose’s bed. I can’t stand you not being there with me. I love you, that hasn’t gone anywhere, and I am still sorting out how to live without Lorelei in my life. I was honest with you that I thought I would flake out, but your confidence made me realize that I could do anything with you next to me. I know I was wrong in the way I treated you, I do, but I needed you by my side. One more day and you would have seen that note.”
He sits there for several minutes to make sure I am done. He just looks down at the floor, knowing that he has failed me. “Would you be willing to try again?”
“I honestly can’t say that.” Everything in my body is telling me yes, but it’s fighting with the logical side. “The one thing we have is chemistry. It is taking all my willpower not to take you in that room and let you make love to me all night long.”
My words surprise him, and he instantly smiles. “I guess that is a no, then.” He tries to ease the tension with a little joke, and for the first time I crack a small smile. “Let me earn back your trust?” Nick asks.
“I can’t make any promises.”
“Okay, I understand that.” He walks toward my junk drawer where he finds a pen and some paper. He writes something on it. “Here is my new address and home number. I am flying back to Sacramento for a couple of days to finalize the rest of Annie’s buy-out of my business. I will be back next week.” He gets up, pushes in his chair, and takes his trash into the kitchen. This is still my Nick.
I continue to look at his paper he left in my hands when he grabs it from me for a second and writes something extra on it. “Justine, all I am asking for is a chance to show you I am the man you can trust.” He leans down to kiss me. As he walks away, I grab his hand.
“Love has never been the issue, either,” I say.
“I know.”
I open the note, and all it says beside his home phone and address is: Remember, we are good together. That is a truth that I have been trying to live with for the last couple of months. And it fucking sucks!
45
Justine
“Justine, damn it, you said you had beer, not this dark crap. Really?” Ryan complains as he is rummaging through my fridge, jostling Madeline on his hip, as I contemplate what to feed all of us for dinner.
“Ah, it’s good for you. It will put hair on your chest, Ryan.”
Matthew runs into the living room. “Aunt Tine, can we go up and play video games in Kai’s room?” he asks.
“Yes, but you know which games you can play, right? Kai has your games downstairs in the closet. Make sure you only use those, all right?”
They both nod as they run upstairs. “That’s nice that Kai collects games for them. He is a good kid, Justine. You and Rafe did well.”
“Yep, the odds were against Kai with us as parents, but he turned out to be a great kid.”
“So what’s for dinner?” he asks as he places Madeline on the floor to explore.
“Well, you know me, Chinese or Italian. My delivery people have started to miss me.”
“Chinese. But since you bring it up, have you seen Nick since he moved back?”
I really hadn’t brought up Nick. However, I am not surprised this subject is a topic he pushes me to explore. “He stopped by last week, though I have a feeling you know that. He went back to Sacramento, but I think he is back now.”
“Nick is a good guy, and I like him. Yes, I know for a fact he is back.”
“So this is why you suggested this little impromptu dinner?” He texted me an hour ago to meet for dinner, but I know how restless the kids get at restaurants. I instead invited them in for the night, knowing I wouldn’t cook.
Ryan slides in a little grin. “No one will argue he messed up, especially him. There is no disputing that, Tine. All right, so he really…” He leans down and covers Madeline’s ears for a second and whispers, “Fucked up big time. But Tine, really, I guess I just have a different perspective. I wish Lore was here to fuck up big time. That would be the least of our issues.”
Perspective is the right word for it. “I wish the same thing, Ryan, I really do.” I fucking miss everything about Lorelei. I wish she were here now to give me hell about feeding her family Chinese food laced with MSG. I would welcome the mocking more than ever.
“Don’t make the mistake of a lifetime,” Ryan warns me.
“I just need time.”
“Yes, I get that in a way, but time is not on your side.” He leans down to pick up Madeline. He kisses her affectionately while starting to tear up. “I miss Lore so much! Taking trips, sharing our dreams together, sharing that look only we could give to one another when the kids did something that made us laugh. Nick once said you were his best friend. And though I know you were Lore’s, I was closest to her and we shared everything together. I want that for you, Tine. My chance is gone, I will never find someone like Lore ever again, but you have it. You don’t have to trust him. Do you think Lore trusted me after I hit her, or that I trusted her after she cheated on me? We got that back eventually by opening up with each ot
her. It took time, but I trusted her more than anyone on earth.”
I am the first to admit Ryan and Lorelei’s marriage was not always easy, but to hear him talk about it with such conviction brings me goosebumps and memories that leave me wordless. In this second, it hits me like a ton of bricks: they got through the issues that would break most marriages.
Now I find that tears make their way down my face as Ryan continues, “You aren’t the only one that feels guilty.”
“What? What do you have to feel guilty about?” I ask, shocked.
“When the highway patrol called Derrick, they told my brother that both Madeline and Lore died. He then came to the shop to tell me I lost both my wife and daughter. As I walked in the house, still in shock, I got a frantic phone call from Hildy concerned over the sirens she heard up the road. Rafe had driven by the wreck, afraid it was Lore’s van. I can’t tell you how relieved I was to hear Madeline crying in the background. I asked Hils if that was my daughter in her arms. I feel guilty because I was relieved at that moment that it was only Lore that died. Then I thought about it, only Lore; she’s my whole world.”
“Lore would have wanted to die in place of her children, and you know that! And as a parent, if it was reversed, I would feel the same way.”
“Yes, you’re right. But Tine, I can’t stress to you enough how fragile life is. Just think about it, Justine. In the long run, if Nick were to die tomorrow, wouldn’t you want to spend one more night with him?”
I hide my face because if Ryan sees it, he will know my answer. I can’t reply to him. He then presses me harder. “You can’t answer that, can you? The truth hurts too much, Justine.”
I look at my watch and before I can say anything, Ryan continues. “Go. I know my way around here enough. I will let the kids play. I can make them some dinner. I have become quite domesticated.”
Leaning over to kiss Ryan on the cheek, I say, “Thank you, Ryan.” I am at the door when I begin to rattle off food options. “I have all the comforts of home—macaroni and cheese…”