by Mark Steel
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* I refer here to the woman to whom I am attached, although we’re not married; but what term am I supposed to use? ‘Partner’ is woefully poor, and could leave you unsure whether I’m talking about the woman I hold hands with while watching Newsnight, or the bloke I open the batting with for my cricket club. ‘Missus’ is wrong on several fronts, and I’m too old for a girlfriend, so to describe her as one could reasonably lead to an investigation as to whether I should be placed on the child protection register. So ‘my wife’ it is. In fact, I even considered getting married to solve the problem, which probably wouldn’t have been the most romantic proposal ever made, to be truthful.
* A couple of days before this book had to be completed, a few hundred residents of Croydon made the town part of the national news by burning a chunk of it to the ground. While some people lamented the apparently random destruction, and others grieved for their wrecked shops and homes, the demise of efforts lasting several generations, I watched the flames and thought, ‘Aaagh, I’ve no time to rewrite the chapter on Croydon now. They could at least have thought to do this a few weeks ago, the heartless callous fuckers.’
* The Bell is now on two levels, one still a pub, the other a branch of the Santander bank.
* I know you don’t believe me, so look it up on Google.
* I should add that Danny wrote to me afterwards and invited me back to do another show, and to enjoy a few pints, which seemed the best part of the offer. And he was never convicted of murder, which I’m glad about, although I wouldn’t want that detail to spoil a bloody good line.
* While there I went swimming for one minute at six in the morning, and as a result felt I’d achieved something with my life.
* Unless the Eton boys had their own version of ‘The Blaydon Races’ that went, ‘Howay the lads, you should have seen us punting, Sipping Pimm’s and finding ways to beat the ban on hunting, All the lads and lasses you can see they’re a disturbance, Walking down the private drive to sack two of the servants.’