“Oh, but you are, I mean coming into all of that, landing a hunk, and a younger one at that. I best he lasts longer than Lewis, you know what I mean?” She nudges me and winks. “You’ll have to share your secret, you can’t keep that one hidden away!” She winks at me again, I just stand looking at her, not quite open mouthed but nearly, lasting longer than Lewis, if only she knew!
“There is no secret Rachel, just a series of events.” I don’t want this conversation to continue, I know Rachel but not that well, we’ve never been closer than school gate mum’s, our link to each other being the children. I don’t think she’s any links to Lewis, but I’m on my guard and I don’t want to give her any information that she could potentially pass on.
I’m saved from continuing this chat by the arrival of Anna and Katie, Anna looks so well, so tanned her olive skin much darker than usual, Katie looks like she hasn’t been in the sun at all!
Anna approaches me, she’s almost running, her arms outstretched I pull her into a hug “Mum, I’ve missed you!” She shouts.
“I’ve missed you too Anna. Look at you, you look fantastic! The sun agrees with you, a lot! What’s with all the cases, you went with one – there’s four there! Have they bred or something?” I point towards the trolley stacked with four large cases and a couple of holdalls.
“I went shopping, you know the shops over there are ah-ma-zing, like totally awesome!” Her voice has changed, she sounds, well slightly American!
“So I take it you maxed out your card?” I raise an eyebrow as my daughter tries to explain why her suitcases have multiplied whilst she’s been away.
“No, I’ve got a bit left. I’m not that dumb,” she smiles “and anyway, you don’t mind, do you?” She pouts at me, lowering her bottom lip and opening her eyes so wide, the puppy dog look!
“I suppose not, but let’s wait until the bill comes before we discuss me minding about it. Come on, let’s get you home. James is outside.” I start to usher my daughter to the exit.
Anna turns and hugs Katie who is receiving what looks like a stern dressing down from her father, I smile sweetly at Rachel and mouth a “talk soon” as we leave and head for James.
We struggle with the over stacked trolley as we walk towards him, still propping up the wall. Seeing us approach he moves to help with the errant trolley that appears to have a mind of its own.
“Anna, good to see you.” He says.
She surprises me by walking over to him and giving him a big hug, “Good to see you too James. How’s my mum been?”
“She’s okay, really she’s been fine.” He looks at me as he reassures my daughter that I’m fine. Liar!
“I’m so glad to be home.” Anna says to us both as we head towards the car.
“Why?” I ask.
“Katie’s different, much different. She’s changed since we were at school and I don’t know if I like how she is now. She’s my friend and I’ll always love her, as a friend, but she’s, well I don’t like saying it at all, but mum, would you think bad of me if I described her as a slapper!”
“Really?” I raise an eyebrow, Katie a slapper? No.
“Yeah. mum, talk about dropping your pants for the first guy that comes along on the first night we were away, and the first bloke on night two and on night three, you get the picture. I reckon she must have had nine different blokes while we were away. Me, I had one!”
“Anna!” I snap, “Too much information, I don’t know if I want to know anymore. Let’s just hope she hasn’t caught anything nasty!” I now know why her dad was being so tough, her parents must have an idea that she’s been off the rails.
We arrive at the Jaguar “Nice car. What happened to the Audi?” Anna asks.
I tell my darling daughter about the vandalism to the Audi, the roof being slashed and the paintwork ruined, I explain that this is a hire car but that the Audi should be fixed before too long. I also update her on everything that’s been happening, about James agreeing to step down from the General Manager role and Robbie taking over from him, although the reasons behind me encouraging James along this route have changed today, in fact as of a few hours ago! I leave that bit out, because at the present time I don’t know what will happen with us, as a couple. The way I felt about him as I entered the terminal building, well he could have gone there and then, it would have broken my heart, completely, to see him go but I saw a side of him that I didn’t care for. Now that I’ve had a little time to calm down I’m still unsure how I feel.
I leave out the other bits from the last two weeks that are not so nice, the underwear going missing, the photographs, and as Anna is so wrapped up in telling us about her trip I don’t think she’s noticed that I’ve hardly spoken to James since we got into the Jaguar and started off on our way home.
Chapter 18
We arrive home I open the front door picking the post up as I go, James sets about carrying Anna’s four cases upstairs, heaven knows what she’s bought and Anna makes a bee-line for the kitchen, “I’m starving mum!” She announces as she walks straight through to the kitchen and sets about making toast.
“We had thought we’d eat out this evening sweetheart, is that okay? And, depending on how you feel we may go to Henry’s, we’ve a table booked!”
“I’m shattered, let me have a couple of hours sleep and I’m sure I’ll be okay, I want to be okay, I love Henry’s, but no Zombies!” She laughs, grabs a large glass of water and disappears to bed.
I spend the rest of afternoon avoiding James, sitting in my living room with my thoughts replaying the events of this morning over and over again in my head, was I wrong, was he wrong!
No matter how many times it goes around and around I can’t seem to find an answer. I know that it meant a lot to him, buying the ring but I’m also aware that until very recently his wage was stupidly low, I gave him that bonus and increased his salary but I don’t expect him to give it all back to me in the form of a stupid ring. Maybe, I over-reacted, perhaps I did, but the look on his face, the anger – it just threw me back to my time with Lewis, the difference being that Lewis generally followed through with a slap or a punch. Would we ever get to the stage where James would also become physical? Maybe my past is going to take me longer than I expect to get over yet, here am I thinking I’m doing so well, my therapist certainly thinks I’m progressing, maybe my subconscious has us all fooled and I’m going to be an emotional wreck forever. Do I want to ruin James’ life by hooking up with him long term? He’s too young to have to deal with me, the broken woman.
I must doze off in the comfortable chair as James wakes me at six with a cup of tea.
“Alex, Alex…it’s six,” he gently nudges my shoulder, “Alex.” He stands there with a mug in his hand.
I wake and take the tea and smile weakly at him, “Sorry,” I croak, half asleep.
He bends down beside me, “I’m sorry too baby, I just…well I’m supposed to buy the engagement ring and it’s supposed to cost a month’s wage!” He mumbles.
“That’s a bit old fashioned. Do people really still do that?” I don’t look at him and blow across the surface of the hot tea.
“I think so!”
I reach out for him putting my mug down on a small table next to me. He shuffles towards the front of me and wraps his arms around my waist, his head on my chest like a little boy having a cuddle from his mother, “I love you Alex,” he says “so very, very much.”
“James, I….I don’t know if I can do this.” I sigh, putting my hand to my mouth. My insides are churning, knotted – I’m a mess, emotionally broken yet, I know I’m doing the right thing, I really do.
“Do what Blossom?”
“This, this whole relationship thing. I don’t know if I’m ready to be…to be involved with anyone again. I’m ruined James. I can’t have another man, ever. I’m a liability.” I feel the tears well and start their slow decent down my cheeks, I know this is the right thing to do, the only thing to do.
“What ar
e you saying?” He whispers, he sounds distraught, pulling back and looking at me directly, his beautiful face contorted, painful, sad.
“I don’t think I can ever have another relationship, not a long term one. James, I’m damaged goods!” I breathe deeply through the tears.
“You’re not! You are not damaged, hurt, wary but not damaged!” He snaps, I swear there’s tears in his eyes as he stays on his knees in front of me. “I love you Alex, please don’t do this.” He begs.
“I am. I can’t do this. I can’t commit to a lifetime with anyone else.” I shake my head, “it would be wrong, so wrong of me. I’d ruin your life James, I really would.” It’s so painful to sit here and admit it, but having seen James angry today I just know that every time anything like that happens I’m going to be frightened, scared, petrified and I can’t go through life like that, I’d do something rash and end up hurting him too.
I feel myself flush, I’m getting hot. I focus on my happy place, in my mind I do everything that my therapist has told me to do but it’s not working, I feel hotter. I’m breathing faster, inside I feel totally destroyed, ready to end everything now, if I wasn’t for Anna I would!
“Alex! Alex! Breathe slowly, focus Alex – Look. At. Me!” He’s still in front of me steel kneeling, his face is level with mine. He holds both of my hands and I breathe with him, in and out, in and out, slowly. He never takes his focus off me, despite both of our feelings, the hurt and the sorry, we breathe in time, in and out. I start to feel cooler, more composed. Maybe the therapy is working, who knows?
Once I’m back in control I try to tell him how I feel, to finish it for good. “I think you should go James.” I say quietly, “It’s not going to work, be realistic - It’s not anything more than a fling!”
“Go! What do you mean?” He asks, the painful look returning to his face.
“Leave, move out. I’m no good for you, I’d just be a burden. You can have the pick of the crop out there. I’m just an infatuation of yours. I think we should finish it!” I’m short, adamant.
He just looks at me. “You are joking?”
“No, I’ve never been more serious in my life. I’ve already said, I’m not ready for any sort of relationship and probably never will be. I’d ruin you James, ruin you for life. I’m doing this for the best, it’s best for you.” I sigh deeply, “No…I’ve made my mind up, I want you to leave.” I say firmly.
“Alex, I love you more than you’ll ever know.” He murmurs looking broken, completely and utterly ruined.
“And you’ll get over me very quickly James. The moment some lithe young thing comes your way, you’ll be over me. You’ll see!” I stand, fighting back a further wave of tears and walk to the kitchen leaving him on his knees in the living room. I mess with some leaflets that have been left on the island as he follows me through.
“I don’t understand.” He says.
“I can’t make it any clearer James!” I snap. “What don’t you understand? I’m not ready for a long term relationship with you, or anyone else. I’m ruined, broken and I’ll ruin everything around you.” A sudden wave of confidence fills me, I face up to him my arms outstretched in question, “What we had was good, very good but it can’t go any further. Please leave. I’ll have Archie pick up your clothes and bring them to the hotel. Your job will be there for as long as you want it but we can’t have a relationship any more, it’s over!” I shout.
“I don’t understand,” he mumbles, “why?”
I look at the man who until a few moments ago was my lover, my beautiful lover. He looks destroyed, oh my God, what have I done? I should never have got involved with him to begin with, I’m broken and useless. Lewis was right, my parents couldn’t wait to off-load me, everything I come into contact with, it all gets ruined. I turn towards him, he has to go, before I ruin him completely.
“How can I make it clearer James?” I stand there, facing him, “Would you like me to write it down, maybe email it to you, text it. I’ll say it as simply as possible! I’ll never be ready for a relationship because I can’t trust men, not any more.” I mess with the junk mail and leaflets, avoiding eye contact. “Today, this morning you looked so angry. I backed away because I was fully expecting you to hit me, to beat me down, we can’t have a relationship where every time you get angry I feel like that! It’s best for both of us if we part now, before it gets any more serious.” I speak slowly, calmly in the hope that he will get the message, inside I’m breaking, no – I’m broken. My insides churning, I feel sick to the stomach, I want to turn and run away from it all, away from the whole bloody lot.
He sits on one of the stools, his head in his hands.
“Alex, how can I make it right? Tell me what I need to do?” He begs.
“There’s nothing you can do. You’re perfect in every way, it’s me. I’m just totally ruined, broken, fucked up and if it wasn’t you it would be some other poor bastard sat there I’m sure.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” He mutters. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Totally. I’m going to shower. Once I come down…please be gone. You can stay at the hotel for as long as you want and you’ll always have a job there.” I’m firm, almost barking my orders, it’s a front because inside I’m sobbing my bloody heart out.
I leave the kitchen breathing deeply, fighting back the tears, there’s been very little shouting, few raised voices just words spoken from the heart yet my insides are wound up so tightly. I’m choked, I feel empty, hollow. I’m devastated because I truly do love James with all of my heart but I’m doing this for him, not me. He’s much too young to be dealing with this, with me and my excess baggage.
As I get to my en-suite I hear the front door slam, hard. I’m so pleased that Anna is asleep although I’ve no idea what I’m going to tell her.
I turn the shower on and let it warm up whilst I undress. Looking in the full length mirror I see my scar, the one that Lewis left I also see the strawberry tattoo, it’s healing up very quickly. I know the letters J.A, for James, are now there permanently marked on my body but I don’t regret it one bit, despite me deciding that we should part, go our separate ways I will always love him for what he has helped me do over the past few months.
I step into the shower and let the warm water caress me. What have I done? You stupid bitch I curse myself mentally. The one good thing to happen to you since God knows when and you’ve turned him away, sent him away, dumped him. I sigh deeply, really deeply and despite by best efforts to keep myself together I sob. Letting my knees bend I sink to the floor, I sit for ages under the running water, sobbing, breaking my heart. My body shaking as I let the emotion of the day out. I’ve no choice, I must end it all, I will end it all and put myself out of this miserable life. I am drawn from my desperate state by Anna who’s standing the other side of the glass screen, her hands to her face.
“Mum! What’s happened?” She gasps. “Where’s James?”
“He’s gone!” I sob feeling like a fool, feeling like shit, feeling like my world has yet again crashed around me.
“Since when, he was here this afternoon!” She lets her knees bend so that she’s at my level.
“Just now Anna. I told him, to…to…go. I’ve been a fool.” I break down further, sobbing hysterically, letting loose with rage I thrash my arm out and smash into the shampoo, conditioner and body wash bottles sending them flying everywhere. It doesn’t make me feel any better. Inside I’m broken, completely. You stupid bitch, what have you done?
Anna reaches for one of the fluffy bath sheets and holds it out for me. I reach for it and wrap myself up, turning the water off as I move from behind the glass screen. She hugs me.
“Oh mum, what happened?” She sounds so concerned and a little sad.
“I said something that offended him and he, his look, he was angry he looked just like your dad did before he launched at me. Anna, he scared me and, and I don’t know if I can live like that again. So…,” I sob aga
in, trying to get the words out, “So, I told him to g…go. I don’t want to ruin his life, I’ll always be on my own Anna, nobody will ever want me, I’m broken.” I feel weak, so very weak and collapse on my bed. Sobbing, wrapped in nothing but the bath sheet, my wet hair making me feel cold now.
She hugs me, she shouldn’t be comforting me, she’s my daughter I should be hugging her.
“I’m ringing him mum.” She says firmly.
“No, Anna please…..don’t!” I beg, “Anna, please don’t, please just leave him, let him go!” I sob.
“No, I’m ringing him. You were so in love. He worships you mum, you do know that don’t you?” She leaves me lying on my bed, my eyes red and puffy.
I feel like crap, really, really crap. Lewis did a fine job, a complete job of breaking me, keeping me as nothing more than a domestic slave and certainly moulding me so that I will never, ever be able to live with another man, ever again. I can’t keep up with the pace that my mind is running at, events from the past charging through my head. The brand, the iron, the beatings the humiliation, how in the hell can I ever move on from it? I can’t.
Chapter 19
As I lie there I slowly start to pull myself together, I feel a little calmer now although I still feel like shit for what I have done and mentally kick myself over and over again, you stupid woman, what the hell have you done? I don’t think that James would ever hurt me I really don’t, it was just the way he looked, it scared the hell out of me.
I hear the front door open and the unmistakable sound of James’ footsteps running up the stairs. He bursts into my room, arms outstretched, eyes full of tears.
“Oh Baby. Alex, Alex I love you so fucking much, you silly girl, I would never, ever hurt you, you have to know that!” I don’t move, huddled in my towel, feeling absolutely freezing. The bed dips as he eases himself beside me, his big arms around me tightly. I turn and bury my face in his shoulder, “I’m sorry!” I sob again, shuddering in his arms, “I’m so sorry, I’m a stupid cow, I don’t know why, why I did it?”
Loving Alex (The Alexandra Drake Series) Page 17