"'Tis of no consequence to ye now, Robert."
"No consequence, ye say? When lives have been torn apart and lost? When yer son lies dead and buried and his widow is scarred for life by his depravity? Ye could have chosen me as yer heir. I was older. I was worthy. I could have done ye proud. Why could it no' have been me?"
"I canna say any more than that, Robert."
The feelings of the night when he discovered the truth came rushing back to him. The shocking news, the longing to be called son, the sinking despair as the acknowledgment did not come. His stomach rolled and his eyes burned with the same fury as they had that night over eight years ago. And the anguish of something precious lost to him forever tore through him once more.
He pulled open the door and ran out into the hall. He could not face anyone at that moment so he left, running to the stables and reclaiming Dubh from his groom. Leaping on his back without the use of a saddle, Robert gripped the horse's mane and steered him by hand and leg out of the yard and gate and away from the village. Giving the horse his head, Robert stared through tear-filled eyes as the trees and bushes passed in a blur. Not even aware of his direction, Robert allowed the stallion to carry him where it would while he grieved for all he had lost.
Chapter 26
She spent most of the day pacing in her chambers. She waited for some sign of how the meeting between Struan and Robert had gone, but no one spoke of it. Anice had looked through the window and seen Robert racing away on his stallion. She feared what that meant to her, to them, and waited, as he'd said to, in her chambers. Surely, if Struan meant to punish her, he would do so while Robert was absent from the keep. When no one came to drag her down to face the laird, she felt some semblance of relief. She knew she would have to wait for Robert's return to gain the whole story.
The servants delivered her trunks and Robert's an hour or so later. Anice hesitated to rearrange her chambers to accommodate him. For all she knew, he was out riding to gather his courage to tell her that she could go with him back to Dunbarton but that her son would remain with Struan.
Her apprehension threatened to take control of her and she knew it was that fear and tension that made her unable to nurse Craig. She tried several times throughout the afternoon, but each time he refused to latch on and draw nourishment from her. He fussed and cried and screamed out with anger and hunger and she became more and more nervous. She was tempted to send him out to the nurse who'd accompanied her here; however, she feared never seeing him again.
The room grew quiet and Anice looked up to see Robert standing in the doorway. Searching his face for some indication of what had transpired between him and the laird, she waited for his words.
"I would like to speak to Anice in private."
The servants and Firtha looked to her for guidance. She nodded them out and watched as Robert closed the door. Craig still screamed on her shoulder, but she could almost block out the sound of his cries while she waited on Robert.
"Here now, Anice. What ails him?" Robert asked as he lifted the babe from her and placed him on his own shoulder.
"I cannot feed him. He will not nurse and he grows angrier by the minute. And I grow more and more full."
"Do ye have wine here?" She nodded and pointed at the jug of it on the table. Robert reached into his sporran and took out a small bundle. "Put a pinch of these in the wine and drink it. Ada said ye may need something to soothe yer nerves and release yer milk."
She looked at him in honest admiration. What kind of man would care about these things? Most men would simply demand that she turn the babe over to a wet nurse and bind herself until the milk was gone. And yet he had carried herbs with him that would calm her raging emotions and allow her to nurse more easily. Once more she felt in his debt.
She took the packet from him and added the herbs in as he directed; their aroma was savory and they added to the wine's sweetness as she sipped it. He watched her as she drank and although she wanted to shout her questions at him, she waited for him to tell her. He carried Craig around as though he belonged there and he motioned for her to get into bed. Once she leaned up against the headboard he came closer and leaned down to hand her the babe.
He smelled of outdoors and of horse and of that smell that belonged only to men. And he took care of her and her son before seeing to his own needs. Anice knew in that moment that no matter what else happened she would be grateful to him until the day she died. He looked up at that moment and caught her gaze. Then she looked at his mouth and wanted to feel his lips on hers. Anice saw him staring at her mouth and knew that although he wanted the same thing, he would not move first. So she tilted her face to his and pressed her mouth to his.
It lasted a few seconds, for Craig screamed out his frustration and startled them both. Smiling, Robert placed the babe in her arms and stepped away. She tugged a blanket over her shoulder and tried once more to feed her son. He turned to and fro, searching for her nipple, but he was not able to latch on due to the fullness of it. Anice reached in and massaged the nipple, expressing enough milk to soften it for Craig's mouth. He finally took hold and Anice found that she could relax and let the milk flow on its own.
Glancing up, she saw an expression of pain on Robert's face. Pain and something else. She could not understand it and when he looked quickly away, she wondered if she had truly seen it at all.
"I spoke to Struan and we will stay here at Dunnedin."
"What? Here? He gave his permission?" She tried to remain calm, for now that he'd started nursing, she did not want the babe to stop.
"He haes accepted our marriage." His voice carried no tone to tell her how he had accomplished this.
"And?"
"And what, Anice?" he asked. "Ye and yer son will remain together and we will remain wedded."
"How did you accomplish this? It looked so hopeless when I left the hall."
He paced in front of the hearth before he spoke. "I told ye that I would handle things with Struan and yer faither and I have. Let it go at that."
Anice wanted to ask more questions—she had thought of dozens while waiting for his return. However, the expression he now wore warned her off. She nodded and turned her attention to her son, now suckling vigorously at her breast.
"I would have unpacked your trunks, Robert, did I know the outcome of your talks with Struan. I will see to them as soon as I finish with Craig."
"There is plenty of time for that, Anice. I need no more than the clothes on my back today."
"How will we do this, Robert? I think you will tire of sleeping on the floor every night."
He looked at her as though he wanted to say something and then stopped himself. Shaking his head, he smiled at her.
"Duncan sent along one of those carpets ye admired so much, Anice. Laying it over the rushes will be plenty of cushioning for me."
She wanted to offer to share the bed with him; it was on the tip of her tongue and she could feel the words forming in her mouth. A ripple of fear passed through her and she stopped. Even though she honestly wanted to, she knew that it would be impossible for her to invite him to her bed. The very thought of him lying beside her during the night, even if for nothing other than sleep, left her terrified.
"'Tis just not right, Robert. I do not know how to make it right, but I can feel the unfairness of this bargain we've made between us."
"Anice," he whispered. "We must take this one day at a time and all will be well."
Craig chose that moment to let go and gurgle his pleasure out to her. She looked down and laughed with him and when she looked up, Robert was gone. She lifted her son to her shoulder and rubbed his back as he cooed to the empty room. Anice did not know how to be a wife to Robert. She only knew that she would try everything within her power to take care of him and make him happy with their bargain.
* ~ * ~ *
The knock on her door surprised her when it came. She had already seen to organizing Robert's trunks in the room and had another chair moved into th
e chamber. Rearranging the furniture and changing the rushes made all the difference within the room and now there was space for Robert's makeshift bed to be placed by the hearth. Anice had eaten her meal there since she had not the strength or the composure to face the clan this evening in the hall. Tugging open the door, she found Moira and Pol standing in the corridor.
"Come," she said, inviting them in.
"I will wait for ye out here, Moira," Pol said in his deep voice.
"I will join ye in the hall when I am done here," Moira answered. "There is no need to wait by the door."
Anice could have sworn that Pol growled in reply. Moira looked at him and his expression did not change. With her hand on the door, Moira smiled at her husband.
"Verra well then. I will no' be long."
Anice stared at the woman who now waddled across the room and sat on the edge of her bed. Moira was now getting closer to her time and obviously Pol was not content to let her wander through the keep alone.
"The daft man thinks I canna see to myself now that I carry his child."
"He worries for you, Moira. I think he worries that you will face what your sister did all those times before this."
"Aye, he does. No matter what I tell him, he is happier worrying. But, he is a good man."
"Aye, he is that. Now what brings you here at this time?" Anice sat next to her on the bed.
"Struan said ye were hurt on yer journey. I came to see to yer injuries." Moira's gazed focused on her and moved from head to toes. Standing up before her, the healer lifted her hair and pressed lightly on the bruise that remained on her forehead.
"When did he say that?" Anice asked.
"Tonight at dinner when he announced yer marriage to Robert and Robert's new duties as castellan."
"Struan did that?" Anice was surprised. From the look on his face when last she'd seen him, acceptance was the last thing she expected.
"Aye. He told us that ye were hurt during yer journey so I thought a visit would be a good thing. Did that bleed?"
Anice touched the bruise. "I do not think so. Moira, I fell and hit my head. I did not wake until the next morning. Robert took care of it for me." Moira gave her a look filled with disbelief.
"Were ye dizzy or nauseous when ye woke? Any pain there now?"
"I have had an ache in my head for days, but I do not know if it comes from the injury or from what haes happened." Anice stood and walked to the hearth, not facing Moira.
"I have no' heard all the details yet, but 'twould seem to be an interesting story to hear."
She was using that voice again—the one she'd sworn to teach her to use when trying to make children and men obey her. Anice turned and smiled at her.
"My father and Struan were negotiating a new marriage for me, Moira. They planned to wed me to Angus MacLaren and Struan planned to keep my bairn." She looked over at the cradle where Craig now slept.
"To the Demon?"
"I heard him called that today in the hall, Moira, but not before this. Why is he named so?"
"'Tis rumored that he killed his wife for not giving him a son."
Anice shivered at the thought of another woman married to another man like Sandy. No wonder they called him a demon. And she thanked the Almighty that she had gathered enough courage to run away from that marriage.
"Do you believe the talk?"
"All rumors are made of mostly story around a few facts, Anice. I dinna ken what to believe."
"I ran without knowing that rumor. I ran because I could not face marriage and losing Craig. I did not think, I just ran."
"To Robert? And into married life once more?"
She paced before the hearth. "I ran for my life. Robert offered me protection as his wife. He said it would be only for that."
Moira did not say anything and Anice looked at her. "Did he say why he would do this for ye?"
"Only that he haes his own reasons. I asked him what he will gain from this, but all he does is scowl at me when I ask."
"Mayhap he hopes for the wealth yer faither planned to bestow on yer husband? Mayhap a title from the king, as yer faither gained in marrying yer maither?"
"It could be that, Moira. I just do not know his reasons."
"Well, mayhap 'tis best to leave it be for now. Once ye ken him better, he may explain himself to ye. The bairn is well?"
Anice smiled at Moira. "Aye, Craig is well. And growing like the weeds in the garden. I think his first tooth may come soon."
"And the nightmares? Do they come as often as before?"
Anice frowned, trying to remember the last time the dreams came. "Not since Sandy's death. Do you have some reason to think they'll return?"
"Now that yer married again, yer fears may give rise to them."
"Fears? Now that all seems settled with Struan as Robert promised it would be, I have nothing to fear."
Moira simply stared at her in that assessing way of hers and said nothing. The sound of voices outside the room drew their attention. The door opened and Robert entered.
"How do ye fare, Moira? Ye look well."
"I am well, Robert," she said, glaring past Robert at Pol, who stood watching her from the doorway. "Welcome back to Dunnedin. I did no' think to see ye so soon after yer departure."
"I had no' planned to return, but plans change." Robert met Anice’s gaze as he spoke to Moira.
"Well, I will take my leave of ye. Anice, do ye want some herbs for the pain in yer head? 'Twould be no trouble at all to get them for ye."
Anice started to answer, but another growl from Pol interrupted her. Instead of being concerned about Pol's obvious anger, Moira laughed. Pol took her hand and began to pull her from the room.
"My thanks for your visit, Moira. I will call on you if I need anything for my head."
Moira started to speak, but the door slammed before she could get the words out.
"He thinks she is being stubborn and doing too much so close to her time," Robert said, laughing. "Much like ye were while carrying Craig."
"You think I was stubborn then?"
"Oh, aye. Stubborn is a polite way of saying it."
She thought back to some of her behavior near the end of her pregnancy and realized he was right. She also realized that he had shared much of that time with her.
"'Tis just like a man to expect a sweet disposition from a woman who cannot sleep, cannot tolerate certain smells and foods, and can no longer see her feet when she stands."
He grunted and she laughed at the sound. She knew now that he did that when he knew not what to say. Robert grunted, Pol growled. Changing the direction of the conversation, Anice sat on the bed and pointed across the room.
"I put your clothes in that trunk and your belongings in the small casket next to it. The plaids you brought from Dunbarton are in that one over there, along with the ones I already had. Is there anything else you need here in our chambers?"
He looked at the trunks and then around the room.
"Nay. I will keep my weapons in the armory."
"I brought in another chair so that you can eat here if you wish. And I plan to use the antechamber for bathing.... At first I thought to make it into a nursery for Craig, but I am not ready to have him so far from me. If it meets your approval?"
"Anice, this is fine." He walked to the table and sat down in one of the chairs next to it. "Or..."
"Or what?" He looked at her and waited. She took a breath and offered another choice to him.
"We could use separate rooms, if you'd rather not sleep in here at all. 'Twould not be such an unusual arrangement for a married couple."
She regretted the moment the words left her lips. She offered it because she did not want him to be uncomfortable sharing his chambers with her. But she hoped deep inside that he would not choose that way. Confused by her feelings, she waited for his response.
"Is that what ye wish? Yer own room?" His face darkened and she noticed that he kept clenching and unclenching his hands into fists on his
lap.
"I... ah... 'tis truly up to you, Robert. I offered it only as a way to give you some privacy and a bed to sleep in."
He stood and walked nearer. "I think we should keep up the charade of a marriage for a bit until everyone is accustomed to it. My thanks for making these changes to yer room to accommodate me."
"'Tis our chamber now, Robert."
"So 'tis," he answered. She watched as he checked on Craig and then he approached the door. "I have some duties to see to before I retire. Ye dinna have to wait up for me."
All she could do was nod in agreement as he left. Once the door closed, she changed into her sleeping gown and arranged his bed on the floor near the fire. Duncan's carpet would be well used.
Chapter 27
The routine happened by itself, without much planning at all. He left early in the morning, before she or the babe rose, and he returned to the chamber after they'd gone to sleep each night. He joined her for a few meals, but his new duties really did keep him busy and outside most days and into most nights. If she minded, she never said. The only response she ever gave him was the same—it is your decision, Robert, just say so.
He never bathed in the chamber's outer room and so far, thank the Almighty, he had never entered to find her in the large wooden tub kept for that reason. Robert had enough difficulty sleeping in the same room with her; the image of her naked in that tub was more than his poor body could handle. He found it necessary to never enter the chamber until he had exhausted himself physically. At least then he could get to sleep without his mind wandering.
The fact that his wife slept just a few feet from his miserable bed and he was not welcome there in hers ate at him. Some nights when he could not sleep, he stood next to her bed and watched her breathe. He ached to feel the touch of her lips again, to run his fingers through her fiery hair, to hear the sound of her laughter. He would even enjoy hearing her use that imperious tone of voice to him. But his wishes were for naught, for if she had somehow discerned his feelings for her, she never gave any indication of it.
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