"You made it clear by your actions last night in the hall that you would rather sleep elsewhere. I was simply enforcing your decision."
"That is no' what I want, Anice, and ye ken it."
"Then why did you leave with... that whore?" He could feel her anger bubbling out. Her tone of voice was filled with it. Once it flowed, there was no stopping it. "How dare you humiliate me in my own hall before the clan? You married me. You promised your protection to me. Is this how you give it? By getting drunk and dragging the village whore with you as you leave?" She stood and pointed at the door. "If you plan to have her, you may as well go to her now, for you will not sleep with her and then come back here."
Robert fought against the urge to laugh out loud. He knew she would not understand how happy this tirade made him. It would not solve their problems in the run of it; however, they stood a chance if she did not cower at his anger when it happened.
"Does that no' feel good, Anice? To shout out yer fury at me rather than living in fear?" He waited for her reaction.
She was enraged and, by God, she had reason to be. Her tears had turned to rage once she realized that he had gone with Robena to her cottage. He had asked her to be a wife and when she could not, he simply discarded her and took up with a whore. The worst of it was that she'd believed their tale of being friends. She'd believed that Robena was different. She'd thought Robert was different than other men and their boorish behavior when it came to taking their pleasures. She'd been wrong and now she was angry at how her foolishness had been exposed before everyone there last night.
"I do not understand you, Robert. Are you pleased that you have driven me beyond control?"
"Ye are no' beyond control, ye are simply too angry no' to say it. 'Tis fine with me if ye do. I think we will deal better with that rather than the constant fear ye carry." She was not fearful of him. What did he mean?
"I do not fear you. I have not been afraid of you since the first week of your stay here."
"Then why," he asked in a softer voice, "do ye walk around me as though ye wait for me to strike out at ye? Ye did no' treat me this way before we left Dunnedin, Anice, and I would ken why ye treat me differently now?"
Did he speak the truth? Did she treat him differently? Of course she did—they were married now and he was her husband. He was not the same man who had left Dunnedin.
"You are my husband now. You are not the same as before." Saying it to him made her wince at the absurdity of it. She thought about his treatment of her and her son and realized that he had been the same kind and concerned man as before he'd left to return to the MacKillops. It was only her perception and her anticipation of the change in their roles that made her fear him.
"Have I done something to make ye believe I would turn on ye? Is there something I said that frightened ye?"
"Other than your horrible behavior last night?"
"Aye, other than that." His mouth moved into that enticing smile that made her stomach nervous. He stepped closer to her, yet remained a few paces away. "Would it help ye to ken that I did no' sleep with her? I was too drunk and have paid a dreadful price for my stupidity in turning to wine instead of having this talk then."
"So, you did not have her only because you could not? Now that the effects of the wine have passed, will you turn to her once more?"
"Anice, in truth, ye are the only woman I want."
Her breath caught and she could not think of anything to say in response to his claim. He stepped closer again.
"I have wanted ye for months now, even when I never dreamed it would be possible. And now that you are my wife, I find that I dinna want to face the rest of our lives with only part of ye."
"I told you, Robert...."
"I ken what ye said, but yer lips say something different to me when we kiss. Yer gaze is always on me, I can feel it when we are in the same place. I ken that ye are confused, Anice. Just say ye will let me try?"
Oh, how she wanted to give over to him. A part of her that had been buried deep inside was pushing for release. There was fear, fear of pain, fear of rejection, but there was a glimmer of hope and a glimmer of the passion that had lain dormant within her for years. She'd felt it once for the impostor; it had driven her to sneak into his room and offer herself to him. 'Twas only his self-control that had prevented a catastrophe that night. And the feelings, the heat, the passion lay waiting for the right man.
Could it be Robert? Was she strong enough to conquer the fear and take what he offered to her now? A true union, as Lady Margaret had said.
"I am terrified at the thought of it, Robert," she admitted. "I do not know if I can be a wife to you in this way."
He held out his hand to her and smiled. "Just take my hand and say ye will try. 'Tis all I ask, Anice. Just that ye be willing to try."
Her hand moved on its own for she had surely not made up her mind to agree to this. But once she saw his face brighten at the sight of her hand moving, she could not, would not stop it. The least she owed him for all he had done for her and her son was an honest effort on her part. She'd trusted him with her life countless times, could she not trust him with her body now?
Her body shook as he took the final step towards her. Lifting her chin, he leaned down and touched his lips to hers. The same heat that happened with his kisses burned inside her again. Waves of fire pulsed within her and the feel of his tongue against hers made something tighten deep inside her core. With every movement, his mouth caused the heat to increase until she thought she could not take any more. When he lifted his mouth from hers, she knew she wanted even more.
His eyes were glazed and she could feel that his body was ready, and yet he did not throw himself at her as Sandy had done. She found it difficult to breathe at a normal pace.
"I want so much to touch ye. May I?" He watched her and waited, not moving until she gave him the permission he sought. His voice, now husky and deep, enticed her further. She nodded her head and closed her eyes.
His mouth covered her again and as his kiss deepened, she felt his hands glide through her hair. It was thrilling in an unexpected way and it was the last place she thought he'd touch. In a way she was disappointed that he had not touched the place she thought he would first—her breasts. They ached and swelled, almost as though she was ready to nurse, but she knew this was different. His fingers combed down through her hair and she found it strangely exciting to feel the pull on her scalp. Just when her knees felt as though they would collapse, he stopped and looked at her.
"Are ye afraid? May I kiss ye again?"
"Aye. Nay." She heard the nervousness as she laughed. "I mean, I am not afraid." She did not know they could laugh while doing this and it felt good to do so. "Please, please kiss me again."
Robert leaned down but she met his mouth this time, eager to taste him the way he had tasted her. He was close enough for her to feel his body surge each time she slipped her tongue into his mouth. It was a heady, powerful feeling to know she affected him this way. She was so intent on his mouth that she nearly jumped when his hands glided over her shoulders, pushing her woolen shawl down her arms. Then she felt his fingers trace her collarbone and his thumbs moved down onto her breasts, tickling and teasing them as he went. The intensity of his touch on her nipples was almost painful and she drew in a breath as he moved over them.
"Not good?" he asked, lifting his lips from hers just enough for the words to fit through.
"Nursing makes them ache," she whispered back.
"But no' here?" He touched under her breast. "Or here?" He rolled his fingers around the fullness of her and drew circles around them.
The tingling grew until she knew her breasts were swelling in his hands. His touch was stirring sensations within her that she did not know existed. She arched towards him, increasing the contact between them and bringing her closer to the hardness of him. She raised her hands to his shoulders to keep him close.
He lifted his mouth from hers and traced the same path over
her neck and shoulders, however this time he used his tongue instead of fingers. Hot and burning against her skin, it moved down and down as he unlaced her gown. She thought he meant to touch her breasts in the same way, but he stopped for just a moment between them and looked at her. She could hardly breathe or focus her eyes on him; the feelings that rampaged through her made concentration so difficult. She let her head roll back as heat exploded inside of her.
His hands on her hips began to slide down once more, so slowly that she felt something within her tighten more and more with every inch of her that he touched. She felt a gush of wetness between her legs and she waited, nay, she wanted him to touch there. As he moved his hands closer and closer, and his fingers began to slip into the curls there, he kissed her neck. A moment later as his fingers slid deeper into that heated, aching cleft, he nipped at her shoulder, letting his teeth graze lightly over her skin there.
It was as though icy water had been thrown on her in that moment. Worse than that, flashes of Sandy and their wedding night poured into her mind, terrifying her with memories of his teeth on her skin. Bites and cuts and blood filled her vision until she could only scream out against them.
"No, please, no!" she screamed as she pulled from his embrace and ran to the other side of the room, backing up against the wall, as far away as she could get. Robert's face changed into Sandy's and back again until she felt as though she would faint. He approached slowly, holding out his hands to her, but her mind could not make out which one stood there before. Terror wracked her with tremors until she could not see anything at all in the room. The blackness covered over her.
Chapter 29
He caught her before she hit the ground. 'Twas becoming a habit he thought gone with her pregnancy months ago. Robert recognized the terror as her face drained of blood and her eyes rolled back in her head. If he had not witnessed it before, he would not have believed the speed at which she went from awake to unconscious. Scooping up her slight weight, he laid her carefully on her bed. He drew the edges of her gown together and tied them more securely so that her breasts were covered.
After tossing a sheet over her and then a blanket, he pulled one of the chairs close to the bed and sat to wait. Holding his head in his hands, Robert took some deep breaths and blew them out. His body still hummed with the passion she'd aroused. He was hard, rock hard, but that was dwindling by the moment. The sight of her face as some memory returned to haunt her was something he would never forget. And he hoped to never see it happen again.
The pounding in his head began anew and he thought about lying down. Looking around he realized that the bedding he used was not pulled out yet. He smiled half-heartedly as he comprehended that she meant her words—he was not welcome there. Robert reached under her bed and pulled the blankets and piece of carpet out, intending to place them before the hearth. Her gasp alerted him that she had awakened.
Before he could sit back up, she had scooted back up against the headboard on the other side of the bed and had dragged all of her covers with her. Her eyes were filled with fear as she watched him. He decided to wait and say nothing until she had calmed down. Every move he made startled her, so he sat as motionless as possible on the chair. Finally, after several minutes had passed, she whispered his name.
"Robert?"
Her breathing was still ragged and her face had not regained its color. Clutching the covers like a shield to her, she pushed the hair back from her face and looked around the room. He could see the confusion on her face.
"Aye, Anice. 'Tis me. How do ye feel? Would ye like something to drink?" He began to stand until he saw her shaking increase. He sat back down and waited.
"What happened? I remember your kisses and then the blackness. What happened to me? Oh, dear God, what did I do?"
Her question ended with her voice cracking. She started to cry and it broke his heart to hear. She had tried, she had tried for him, and now her pain was so clear and visible to him that he wanted to sob for her.
"Ye did nothing wrong, Anice. Truly, the fault is mine for trying to force ye to do something ye are plainly no' ready to do. Can ye forgive me?"
"But you did not force me, Robert. I wanted to try... I wanted to try for you and..." Her voice descended into sobbing once more. "Wait," she yelled, kneeling up in front of him. "I know what it was! Your teeth! You bit my shoulder and the blood..."
She grew nearly hysterical now, grabbing and tugging on the laces he had just tightened. Tearing the gown from her neck, she rubbed her neck and shoulders and looked at her hands. Obviously, she did not believe what she found, for she repeated it over and over until she was shaking and sobbing so badly she could no longer control her hands. Realizing that she was far past his abilities to help, he strode to the door and walked into the hall, calling for a servant. Sending the man off to bring Moira as quickly as possible, he returned to find her still rubbing her neck and still examining her hands.
"Anice, I have summoned Moira to help ye. All will be well, I promise."
She rocked on her knees and clutched her hands to her chest. The only word he could understand was blood. He could only imagine, and only if he forced himself to it, what Sandy had done to engender such a reaction in her to the touch of his teeth on her skin. Robert knew without a doubt that he himself had not bitten her. His teeth did nothing more than rub over her shoulder, something that women in his past had found to be pleasurable. Some memory of some horrible act had flooded back to her in that moment and brought the terror alive in her again.
Not for the first time, he wished Sandy were alive so that he could kill him in some torturously slow way. His hands clenched to fists as he continued to watch her frantic motions. He would like to hold her securely in his arms until Moira arrived, but he feared that an embrace of that kind would scare her even more.
After what seemed to be an eternity, he heard a soft knock at the door. Anice was kneeling, still mumbling, on the bed. He crossed quickly to it and opened it for Moira to enter. Pol nodded to him and did not try to enter. Closing the door, he pointed to the bed across the room. Moira looked at him for a moment and then walked to where Anice was on the bed. Using that calm, commanding tone of hers, she asked Anice what had happened.
"He bit me, Moira. Can ye no' see the blood on my neck and on my hands?" Anice held out her hands to Moira. There was nothing on them.
"Let me see yer neck, lass. Here now, I will clean it for ye."
Robert watched grimly as Moira went through the motions of cleaning a wound that did not exist. He clenched his teeth together, all the while fighting the urge to roar out his own anger.
"He tore my skin, Moira. With his teeth. He bit until I bled. Promise me ye will stop him. Ye canna let him do this again. Struan promised me...." She rattled off the words, never pausing, and with an accent that he had not heard from her before. Robert realized that she normally spoke in a very unaccented, formal Gaelic, but she slurred her words now as most people he knew did.
"Sit back, Anice. I will fix ye a brew to help ye with the pain," Moira directed as she poured a cup of wine from the pitcher on the table and took out a packet of herbs from the leather pouch she wore around her waist. "Drink this, lass, and let it rid ye of yer pain." Moira lifted the cup to Anice's mouth and Robert watched as she drank every drop of it without resistance.
"Will ye have to stitch it again, Moira? Haes he torn it open?"
He shivered at her words. She was clearly in the past, reliving the days after her wedding. She did not look at him at all, focusing only on Moira. 'Twas a good thing, for he was not certain he could even speak to her. He crossed his arms to control his own horror.
Nothing could lessen his guilt.
He had brought her to this state. Oh, he had never expected something like this to happen; he truly would never want her to suffer in this way. But his lust for her and his demand that she try to be a real wife to him had caused this. He was just as responsible for her pain now as Sandy was all those months a
go.
"Nay, lass, no' this time. 'Twill heal quickly enough," Moira reassured her. "Lie back now and let me fix the covers around ye so ye can get some rest. Let the brew warm ye inside, Anice."
He watched as Anice followed the healer's instructions, first sliding back and climbing under the bedcovers and then lying quietly. He watched in silence as her eyelids started to droop and some of the tension left her face. She still mumbled words that he could not understand, but somehow he knew it was better that he not. Sometime later, only the sound of her breathing, now low and easy, could be heard.
Moira checked her several times before gathering her supplies together. She made several small bundles of herbs and left them on the table. Then she turned to him.
"We thought this was past."
"This haes happened before?"
"The night terrors leave her confused and reliving some of what happened to her. It haes been months since anything like this."
Robert walked to the chair and sat down in it. He lifted one of Anice's hands and smoothed out her fingers from the fists she held. The herbal concoction must have helped for there was no resistance in her at all.
"'Tis my fault, Moira." He could not look at her as he spoke.
"I dinna believe that ye bit her, Robert."
"I pushed her too fast. I wanted her and I did no' think about the problems it could cause her."
"Robert, ye put too much guilt on yer own shoulders. This haes happened before and I fear it may happen again. Some small word or some small gesture simply brought back the memories to her."
"But I...."
"Ye would not force yerself upon her, Robert. I ken ye too well to think that of ye. Give her some time to adjust to ye and yer marriage and things will be fine."
He let out a long breath and nodded his head. Moira was probably correct—Anice simply needed more time. He would not pressure her again about his desires.
"Now, I should go. If she wakes during the night and is distraught, mix one of these packets in a cup of wine and make her drink it. She should sleep through until morning, though, so dinna expect her to wake."
Once Forbidden Page 26