Once Forbidden

by TERRI BRISBIN

  Mortified at his easy talk of such a personal event, she lay back down and scrunched her eyes closed, trying to ignore his chuckling.

  "Well?" she called out to him. He could not expect to make such a comment and then not answer the doubts it raised in her thoughts.

  "Aye, Anice, 'twas snug there for me. Ye fit around me like a falconer's glove is made to fit his hand, surrounding it wi’out space between skin and leather. That tight." His voice ended on a sigh and she heard him shifting around on the floor.

  It was then she noticed the wetness in the spot he spoke of, and how her breasts tingled again, aching for his touch on them. His words had stirred her to arousal just as he told her they could and now she lay, alone in her bed, trying to ignore the throbbing that built within her core.

  "Do you think that two times might lessen my fears, Rob?"

  "Two times? What do ye mean?" He sat up now as she did and gazed at her across the flame-lit room.

  "You said yourself that it would take more than one time at this to lessen my fears. Mayhap we should try the second time here on the bed instead of there on the floor?"

  Robert was at her side in a second, but he slowed himself as he got closer. She smiled; he was ever mindful of not frightening her. He stopped a step from the bed and waited for her signal. She slid back in the bed and lifted the covers. He held her gaze as he loosened the plaid still at his waist and let it drop to the floor. It was too tempting for her to ignore and, by his wicked smile, he knew what she would do. She moved her gaze down him to that part of him and watched as surged in size before her eyes. Breathless, she looked back his face.

  "As ye wish, wife." He leaned forward and slid into the bed with her. And it was as she wished it would be.

  * ~ * ~ *

  They drove each other to distraction and exhaustion as she became accustomed to his body and the ways in which they could join. ‘Twas quite easy, she discovered, to arouse her husband. With just a look or a glance at his groin or the slide of her tongue on her lips, she could draw that groan from him. He played the same game and she often found him waiting in dark corners for her approach. Her joy at being able to take pleasure from their joining and all that came before and after overtook her life and she found laughter once again filled her.

  Robert also helped her to discover the darker fears, the embraces and touches that she could not abide. He knew never to embrace her too tightly or hold her hands behind her and that even the feel of his hand resting on her head brought on the shuddering terror. Even though the remnants of Sandy's depravity still existed within her, Robert's gentle touches and concern were helping her to lessen its importance in their life.

  Each night he stayed longer in her bed, until he slept by her side the whole night through just a fortnight after their first time. She would come awake in a fright sometimes, but now the feel of him at her back soothed the fears for her.

  The clan noticed the change in their relationship, as did Struan. Although he never commented on it, she caught him smiling at their antics from time to time. The smile would always turn quickly to sadness and Anice was tempted to speak to him about it. He would wave her off whenever she tried to talk with him alone about any matter.

  Life was changing for her into something that she had longed for. She loved Robert—she knew that each time she looked at him or thought about him—and she thanked the Almighty every morning and night in her prayers for ever bringing him to her. She was practical enough to recognize that he did not love her back, but that was fine. He had given her his protection and she would make sure he never regretted his bargain with her.

  * ~ * ~ *

  The call came to her at the worst possible time. As she struggled through another contraction and her bairn forced its way into life, the wisdom pulled her to it.

  "Firtha, help me stand," she called out to her sister-by-marriage. "I must get to the hearth."

  "Moira, yer bairn comes. 'Tis no' the time to walk now."

  "Pol!" she screamed. Waiting a moment more, she called to her husband again and louder this time. Pol stood at the doorway, looking pale and uneasy, as every man did in a birthing room. "I must get to the flames."

  "She is delirious, Pol. Leave her and I will see to her."

  But thankfully Pol knew the importance of what she needed to do and came to her side. Lifting her in his huge arms, he carried her over to the hearth and helped her to kneel before it. Waiting until she had her balance, he did not leave her until she nodded that she was ready. Then, taking hold of Firtha's arm, he pulled her from the room over her very loud objections.

  She tried to take in the deep cleansing breath she needed, but the pain from her womb grew until she wanted to scream. Curling her body over, she waited for it to pass and hoped there was time before another began. Her daughter was impatient to be born. However, she knew from the strength of the call that the wisdom would not be ignored. The pain lessened and she stared into the flames and waited.

  The visions came upon her with the same force as her labor and she watched the flames as she saw the colors and faces and scenes appear. She tried to discern the message within the wisdom as she observed them before her. Just as they began to fade, a much more powerful contraction struck her and she fell to her side.

  "Pol!" she screamed.

  Her husband raced in to help her and Firtha followed him into the room. He must have explained how the wisdom worked, for she was much calmer now. But Moira knew she did not have much time. The message must be delivered before it was too late.

  "I must see Struan. Please call him here."

  "Moira, ye are about to give birth. Surely ye can speak to the laird after that?" Firtha tried to convince her.

  "It must be now, Pol. If ye dinna get him for me, I will walk there myself."

  His smile told her he knew she could not do that, but he left the room and came back a few minutes later. "I sent a boy for the laird, Moira."

  Caught up in the waves of contractions, she could only nod. She tried to do all those things she advised other expectant mothers to do during this process; however, the pressure of knowing the message must be delivered to Struan added to her pain and frustration. Finally, the laird entered their cottage and walked into the room.

  "I am here, Moira."

  "Struan, come closer. I must share the wisdom with ye."

  "Could this no' wait until after ye give birth?"

  "Dinna be foolish. The wisdom haes its own rules and its own time. 'Tis now ye must hear it."

  Waving Firtha from the room once more, she grabbed Struan's arm and pulled him close.

  "I warned ye about yer habit of sending yer sons away Struan, but ye did no' heed me," she whispered as another pain hit her. Gasping for breath, she pulled in nearer still. "The MacNab comes with his own solution."

  Struan looked at her and shook his head. "I canna control the MacNab. I warned Robert this marriage would no' stand."

  "Ye must stop trying to protect the dead, Struan. Yer promises to those who have died are no' as important as how ye treat those here now."

  "Ye dinna ken, Moira." He tried to pull free from her hold but she hung on tighter.

  "I do ken, Struan. I saw it. I saw it all."

  She saw the horror enter his face and knew that her visions had been true. Although she could not condone what he had done, 'twas not her place to judge him in the matter. She simply knew she had to convince him to change his mind.

  "Ye refuse him because of the promises ye made to Glynnis and to Edana. They are dead and gone—and the promises with them. For the good of the clan, Struan, and for yer immortal soul, ye must release yerself from the pledges ye gave."

  "But I swore... on my word, Moira. Yer a woman, ye dinna understand."

  She gasped as she felt the rush of birthing waters between her legs and another contraction forced the breath from her. Still, she would not release his arm. When she could draw in a breath, she forced out the words.

  "I do no' need
to understand, Struan. I see, and I saw what the results would be if ye continue to ignore the wisdom. Ye are the only one who can do this."

  She could no longer ignore the burning stretching happening to her. She felt the bairn move down and knew it was time. She let go of his hand and called out for Firtha. Struan stood and moved towards the door.

  "Struan," she called out to him once more. "Do no' fail the clan in this."

  Then with a scream of her own, she pushed the bairn out and into Firtha's waiting hands. Her daughter was born. A dark sense of foreboding came over her, whether due to the birth or what she knew was about to happen, she did not know. She only knew that dark days were coming for some in Dunnedin.

  Chapter 32

  She was in the workroom with Connor, discussing some questions of the harvest and food storage for the coming winter months, when the messenger entered the hall. She could hear his heavy marching steps as they approached the dais. If Struan were still at the table, she would know the news the messenger carried soon enough. Connor began to speak, but she hushed him and waited.

  "Laird," the messenger began, "I come from the MacNab."

  "What is yer message?" Struan commanded.

  "The MacNab is a short distance from here and comes to fetch his daughter, the Lady Anice. He asks that you make all arrangements so that they can leave before the sun sets."

  Anice was stunned by the news. Why did her father think he could come and force her out of here? Her son was here, her husband was here. This was the challenge she knew would come against their marriage. Robert had always promised to handle this and now it was time. She had to find him before her father arrived.

  Running out of the workroom and following the long corridor, she left through a posterior door where the messenger would not see her. Lifting her skirts, she hurried through the yard looking for any sign of him. Finally, after almost a half hour of searching, she found him in the stables. She stopped outside the stall where Robert was working but could not speak from her exertions. He took one look at her, handed the tools to the groom, and climbed over the fence to reach her.

  "What is it, Anice? Ye look as if ye have seen a ghost." He brushed the hair from her face and waited for her to catch her breath.

  Finally she could force the words out. "My father comes."

  "Here?" He looked past her and out into the yard. "Now?"

  "The messenger said he comes directly to take me home."

  "Ye are home, lass." His smile did not reach his eyes and did nothing to soothe the new fears that raged inside of her. Even his embrace did not settle her thoughts.

  "Rob, you said you would handle this."

  "And I will. Come, let us prepare for yer faither's visit."

  They walked side by side back to the keep. Climbing the stairs to the first level, they entered the great hall just after her father arrived. The large group in the hall included not just her parents, but several uncles, two priests, many servants, and even some MacNab warriors. Coming in behind them, she heard Struan call out to her. Everyone turned to watch as she approached.

  Her father separated himself from his entourage and came towards them. Pointing to two of his largest soldiers, he motioned them to her side. Instead of grabbing her, they took hold of Robert. She screamed and threw herself against him.

  "Is this the man who thinks he can interfere with my lawful control of my own daughter?"

  Her father grabbed her arm, wrenching her away from Robert and into another soldier's grasp. Then without warning he punched Robert in the stomach. She screamed again as Robert bent over at the power of the blow.

  "My lord?" her mother said, walking between the two men. "Should we no' pursue this in privacy? We do no' want to expose our daughter's shame to one and all."

  Looking around at the gathering crowd, her father relented and she found herself dragged towards the solar. Once inside, she was taken to a chair, where she sat and waited for an explanation of her father's words and actions. Robert, Struan, and a few of the elders of the MacKendimen clan entered and stood near the hearth. Her mother's hand on her shoulder told her she would not like what was to come.

  She looked to Robert as he whispered something to Struan. No longer in the hold of the soldiers, she was disappointed that he did not come to her side.

  "MacNab, let the women retire and we will come to terms among ourselves."

  "Nay. She will hear the truth of what brought her to this shameful reckoning. Then she will see the wisdom in my arrangements."

  "Father, what shame is upon me?" she asked, looking from her father to Robert and trying to understand his words.

  "Haes he told ye his reasons for marrying ye, Anice?"

  "He married me to save me from your plans to take my babe and send me to the MacLarens." Her voice shook now in fearful anticipation. "He married me to protect me."

  "He married ye for his own reasons, Anice. He married ye for his own plans."

  "But, Father, he had no other reason to marry me. He will not use me as you plan to—for the good of our clan." She fought for control, but felt it slipping away.

  "Is that what ye think, Anice? Women are used all of the time by men. That's what God placed ye here for. We use ye to secure property and title, we use ye to produce heirs for those lands, and we use ye for our comfort and pleasure. 'This the way of it and he does the same thing with ye."

  "Nay, you are wrong, Father. Robert married me for none of those reasons." She turned to Robert and waited for his added denial to these charges of her father. It never came. She tried to rise, but her mother's strong hands on her shoulders kept her in the chair.

  "Do ye tell her or do I?"

  Time slowed down around her and she saw flashes of anger pass between the two men. Robert did not face her.

  "Tell me now, Robert. Explain what my father hints at. I trust you."

  "Yes," her father goaded. "Tell her how yer so-called marriage haes stained her soul with a grievous sin."

  She began to shake as she waited on his words. Did he know of her sin? Or did he speak of something else? The room became silent as they waited for Robert's words.

  Robert took in a deep breath and expelled it loudly. Walking closer to her, he squatted down next to her chair and spoke quietly to her. "I am sorry that ye must hear this news told this way, Anice." He leaned closer and spoke again. "I am also Struan's son."

  Anice recoiled from his words. She couldn't have heard him correctly—he was Struan's son? That would make him...

  "Yer dead husband's brother, Anice. And uncle to yer own son. And he drew ye into an incestuous marriage for his own gains." Her father filled in the missing words. But he didn't stop there. "Do ye ken he will be heir to the clan if any harm should befall yer bairn? A nice cozy position to be in, would no' ye say? The wolf guarding the sheep?"

  Robert lunged forward to challenge the MacNab, but Anice cried out in distress. It couldn't be true, could it? Did Struan know? He must if her father knew. And he kept it from her? And the clan?

  One look at Robert and Struan was enough to tell her it was true. She had married her husband's brother, breaking one of the rules of God and church. How many marks could her soul take on it? Even now she was in peril of eternal damnation.

  Robert said to trust him; he said she was safe with him. Was she? Was the bairn? Did he truly have designs on inheriting his rightful place in the clan at the cost of her babe's life? Nay, he would not. He could not. He had saved their lives when he could just as easily have not given her aid and watched her and the bairn die.

  "Anice," Robert said as he started towards her, reaching out to grasp her hand. "Let me explain."

  She pulled out of his grasp, shaking her head. "Explain? Does my father speak the truth? Did you know when we married that I was your brother's wife?" Even as she asked him, she knew the answer. It was not the lack of banns and witnesses that had him search out the old priest, it was her previous marriage to his brother. In the eyes of the church, she
was his sister-by-marriage and even after his brother died, she was still beyond his reach.

  "Aye, Anice," he answered in a defeated tone. "I sought out Father Cleirach because I kenned we could no' marry otherwise."

  Tears filled her eyes as she faced the end of everything good in her life. All the changes he'd brought about, all the joy, all the love.

  "I did no' do it to hurt ye or yer babe, Anice. Ye will ken that if ye think about it."

  "So, you did not think about the position you would hold here when you offered me your bargain?"

  The look of guilt was so clear in his eyes that it hurt her to look at him. She could feel her hard-won control slipping away from her... control of her emotions, her choices, her life. She hadn't felt this way since that night months ago when Struan first told her of her father's plans to marry her else where and to turn her son over to Struan and the MacKendimens to raise. But where Robert had been her refuge from the insanity of that night, today he was the cause.

  Mayhap if she had obeyed then, this crippling pain would not be hers to bear now. And now not only did her soul carry the dark sin of trying to take her own life, but now it also carried the mark of incest on it. Mayhap if she repented and confessed her sins and promised to obey, she could be forgiven? Blinking away the flood of tears that blinded her, she turned to her father.

  "What would you have me do?" She heard Robert's anguished groan and tried very hard to ignore it.

  "Return with us and wait out the handfasting. I have already applied to the bishop for an annulment of this marriage on the ground of incest. Once the year and a day haes passed, we will find another suitable husband for ye."

  She almost feared to ask, but forced the words out. "And my bairn?" She thought Struan would answer; instead Robert's voice interrupted.

  "Struan, let her take the babe with her. I'm certain ye can arrange for a guardian to accompany them and see to his well-being while he is with the MacNab."