by Dan Gutman
“What does it do?” asked Michael.
“It throws flame,” said Mr. Tony.
“So it has the perfect name,” I said.
Mr. Tony pulled the trigger on the flamethrower, and a giant explosion of fire came flying out! We all jumped back. I could feel the heat on my face. Mr. Tony walked around the pizza crust, shooting fire all over it.
“That thing is cool!” we all said.
“Where did you get a flamethrower?” Neil the nude kid asked Mr. Tony.
“From Rent-A-Flamethrower,” he replied. “You can rent anything.”
After a few minutes of flamethrowing, the giant pizza crust had turned from white to brown.
“Okay,” Mr. Tony said as he turned off the flamethrower. “It’s cooked. Pour on the sauce!”
The truck full of tomato sauce backed up to the pizza and dumped its load onto the crust. The Six Moms used rakes and shovels to spread the sauce evenly.
“Bring on the cheese!” shouted Mr. Tony.
The Six Moms shoveled cheese off the truck and carried it over to the pizza.
“This is so exciting!” Ryan’s mom said as she scattered shovelfuls of cheese on top of the sauce. “Our first catering job!”
“What a way to start our new company!” said Michael’s mom.
“This is much more fun than making little sandwiches!” said Emily’s mom.
“And now for the toppings!” my mom said, taking a bucket out of her car. “Pepperoni . . . salami . . . baloney . . . pastrami . . .”
“Mom,” I complained, “pizza doesn’t have lunch meat on it!”
“It’s a fancy pizza,” Mom told me as she flung the slices of meat on top like little Frisbees.
“Go ahead,” Mr. Tony said. “You can put anything on a pizza.”
Finally, after a million hundred hours, the pizza was finished. We all stepped back to look at our masterpiece. We did it! We made the biggest pizza in the world.
Everybody in school came out into the playground to see what all the excitement was about. The teachers were taking pictures with cell phone cameras.
“I’m going to put this up on the school website!” said Mrs. Yonkers, our computer teacher.
“I’m going to write a children’s book about it!” said Mr. Macky, our reading specialist.
“What a mess I will have to clean up!” said Miss Lazar, our custodian.
“Where’s Mr. Klutz?” asked Andrea. “He should be here to see this.”
“Mr. Klutz told me he had to go to a meeting,” said Mrs. Patty, the school secretary. “He’ll be back soon.”
Mr. Tony’s cell phone rang. He answered it and spoke to somebody.
“It was a guy from The Guinness Book of World Records,” he told us excitedly after he hung up. “A lady will be here in a few minutes to measure our pizza and prove we broke the record. She came all the way from England!”
“Channel 7 News called, too,” Mrs. Patty said. “They’re coming over to cover the story. Our pizza is going to be on TV!”
Everybody was freaking out with excitement! Mr. Tony was going to be famous, and it was all because of my genius idea. It was the greatest day of my life.
That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.
But I’m not going to tell you what it was.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.
But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.
Chapter 10
Pizza Toppings
“The lady from The Guinness Book of World Records is here!” Mrs. Patty announced over the loudspeaker. “And so is Channel 7 News!”
Everybody was even more excited when two vans pulled up to the school driveway. The Channel 7 News team got out with cameras and microphones and stuff. We all ran over to greet the lady from The Guinness Book of World Records.
“Chip chip cheerio, old chap,”5 she said as she shook hands with Mr. Tony. “So where is this extremely large pizza I heard so much about?”
“Follow me,” Mr. Tony said.
“I can’t wait to see it,” said the Guinness lady. “I have seen some pretty big pizzas in my time, but—”
She never got the chance to finish her sentence because suddenly there was a loud rumbling sound over the playground.
“What’s that?” Andrea asked.
“Look, up in the air!” yelled Ryan.
“It’s a bird!” yelled Michael.
“It’s a plane!” yelled Neil the nude kid.
“No, it’s a parachuting ape!” I yelled.
It was true. High above our heads, an ape was floating down over the school under a big white parachute. The Channel 7 News team pointed their cameras up in the air.
“It’s not an ape,” yelled Andrea. “It’s Mr. Klutz in an ape suit!”
Andrea was right! And he was coming down directly over our heads! Everybody was yelling, screaming, freaking out, and waving their arms trying to signal Mr. Klutz.
“No! Not here!” we were yelling. “Not here!”
Mr. Klutz was coming down right over the pizza!
“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid.
“Watch out!”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
That’s when Mr. Klutz hit the ground, right in the middle of our pizza.
Splllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttt.
It was a real Kodak moment. Everybody came running over to the edge of the pizza.
“Glub glub!” Mr. Klutz yelled. “Help! I can’t swim!”
“He’s drowning in tomato sauce!” Emily shouted. “We’ve got to do something!”
“I’ll save you!” shouted Mr. Tony. He dived headfirst into the middle of the pizza.
Mr. Klutz was flailing all over the place like a fish on the bottom of a boat. Mr. Tony kept trying to grab him, but they were both covered with tomato sauce, and they were just slipping and sliding all over the pizza.
You should have been there! Mr. Klutz was freaking out. We saw it live and in person. He had cheese all over his bald head. And Mr. Tony was full of baloney!
“I say, old chaps,” said the Guinness lady, “why are those blokes wrestling in your giant pizza?”
“The guy with the mustache is our after-school program director,” I told her, “and the bald guy with cheese on his head is our principal.”
“Ah, I see,” said the Guinness lady. “Pizza-wrestling must be some sort of strange American tradition, like baseball.”
Finally, Mr. Tony was able to pull Mr. Klutz off the pizza. The two of them were a mess.
“Who put that giant pizza in the middle of the playground?” asked Mr. Klutz as he wiped tomato sauce off his face.
“We did,” Mr. Tony told him. “We made it so we could get into The Guinness Book of World Records. Why did you land on our pizza?”
“It was windy,” Mr. Klutz said. “I saw the big red circle down below me. I got confused. I thought it was the circle on the roof of the school. From up in the air, it looked like a target.”
“It’s not a target!” Mr. Tony explained. “It’s the biggest pizza in the world!”
“Uh, don’t count your chickens until they are hatched,” said the Guinness lady. “I’m terribly sorry, chaps, but I cannot accept this record for The Guinness Book.”
“Why not?” we all asked.
“The rules state very clearly that people are supposed to make the pizza,” she said, “not wrestle in it.”
“Can’t we get into The Guinness Book of World Records for making the biggest pizza with two guys wrestling in it?” asked Michael. “That must be a world record.”
“Sorry, no,” said the Guinness lady.
“Doesn’t Mr. Klutz count as a pizza topping?” I suggested.
“I’m sorry,” said the Guinness lady. “Well, thank you. I’ve had a lovely time, but I’ve got to get back to jolly old England now. Chip chip cheerio, chaps!”
The Guinness lady left, and the Channel 7 News cre
w packed up their cameras and microphones.
Everybody at school was really sad. Our pizza wasn’t going to be in The Guinness Book of World Records. Mr. Tony wasn’t going to be famous. We wouldn’t even be able to give our pizza to the food bank. Hungry people don’t want to eat a pizza that two guys were wrestling in.6
Mr. Tony was really mad that his pizza was ruined. Mr. Klutz was really mad that his parachute jump was ruined. Miss Lazar was really mad because there was even more cleaning up to do, and she made us all pitch in to help out. It took a million hundred hours.
Finally, I got into the car with my mom to go home. We both smelled like pizza.
“I was sure we were going to get into The Guinness Book of World Records,” I told her.
“You shouldn’t count your chickens before they’re hatched,” she replied.
What do chickens have to do with it? We didn’t even put any chicken on the pizza.
Chapter 11
A Happy Ending
When we got home, the phone was ringing. My mom picked it up. She talked with somebody for a long time.
When she hung up, she said, “I just got some more bad news, A.J.”
“Your nose isn’t that bad,” I told her.
“Mr. Klutz is very angry about what happened,” she told me. “He says he’s not going to pay us for all that tomato sauce, cheese, and crust The Six Moms bought to make the pizza.”
“So?” I said.
“So my company is bankrupt,” Mom told me sadly. “The Six Moms is out of business.”
“Wait a minute,” I said. “If The Six Moms is out of business, that means . . .”
“It means I have to take you out of the after-school program,” she told me.
“Hooray!” I yelled. “I can watch TV again! Yippee!”
I was running around and jumping and going crazy. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I ran to the TV like I was in the Olympics. It had been so long since I watched TV that I almost forgot which remote control turned it on. Finally, I got the TV working. There was a man and a lady on the screen. Below their faces it said BREAKING NEWS! I turned up the volume.
“This just in,” the news lady said. “A crazy man in an ape costume jumped out of an airplane today over Ella Mentry School. He landed in an enormous pizza that was in the playground. It turns out the man was Mr. Klutz, the principal of the school. Can you believe anybody would do such a crazy thing?”
“I guess this Mr. Klutz is nuts!” said the newsman sitting next to her. “He’s just another pathetic person trying to get famous. Like that guy who said his son was in a hot-air balloon. It’s just so sad that people want to be famous so badly.”
“This story has a happy ending though,” the news lady said. “The crazy principal was rescued by Mr. Tony, the after-school program director of Ella Mentry School. He dived right into the pizza and pulled Mr. Klutz out before that nutty principal drowned in tomato sauce.”
“Mr. Tony is a real hero,” the newsman said, “like that pilot who landed the plane on the river in New York City. Mr. Tony is the one who deserves to be famous, not that crazy principal.”
“In fact,” the news lady said, “we understand that Mr. Tony will be writing a book about his life story that will be made into a movie. So I guess he will be famous when this is all over.”
Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe I’ll start liking asparagus. Maybe me and the guys will count some chickens before they hatch. Maybe my mom will get a new job as a brain surgeon. Maybe somebody will invent a homework machine. Maybe Mr. Klutz will grow some hair on his head. Maybe we’ll tunnel out of the school. Maybe pogo-juggling, egg-jogging, and pizza-wrestling will become Olympic sports. Maybe Mr. Tony will stop smoking chains. Maybe we’ll figure out why army guys say “Ten-hut.” Maybe Mr. Tony will take us boating. Maybe the sequel to Halloween will become a real holiday. Maybe Mr. Tony will break some other record to get into The Guinness Book of World Records.
But it won’t be easy!
About the Author
Dan Gutman has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
Jim Paillot lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
For exclusive information on your favorite authors and artists, visit www.authortracker.com.
Copyright
Mr. Tony Is Full of Baloney!
Text copyright © 2010 by Dan Gutman
Illustrations copyright © 2010 by Jim Paillot
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
* * *
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Gutman, Dan.
Mr. Tony is full of baloney! / Dan Gutman ; pictures by Jim Paillot. — 1st ed.
p. cm. — (My weird school daze ; #11)
Summary: The After-School Kids’ Kare director wants to get into The Guinness Book of World Records, and A.J. and the gang jump in to help him.
ISBN 978-0-06-170400-0 (lib. bdg.) — ISBN 978-0-06-170399-7 (pbk.)
[1. Schools—Fiction. 2. World records—Fiction. 3. Humorous stories.] I. Paillot, Jim, ill. II. Title. III. Title: Mister Tony is full of baloney!
PZ7.G9846Mrq 2010
[Fic]—dc22
2010015905
CIP
AC
* * *
10 11 12 13 14 CG/CW 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
First Edition
EPub Edition © 2010 ISBN: 9780062025159
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1. What are you looking down here for? The story is up there, dumbhead.
2. Why is it called an assembly? We don’t put anything together.
3. Board games are boring. That’s why they’re called bored games.
4. How did people come up with any ideas before the lightbulb was invented? Maybe candles appeared over their heads.
5. British people always say “Chip chip cheerio.” Nobody knows why.
6. But Ryan would. He’ll eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.
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